14 Steps to Being the Worst Person in the OfficeO
Every office has them - the guy who unapologetically eats the smelly lunch food, the one who sends 3 emails within a 15 minute span about the same thing, the least funny person in the world that always feels the need to be “on” and goes “amiright or amiright”.
Whether you’re an offender or have to deal with some of these people I thought I’d gather all of these annoying office quirks in hopes of helping someone be the worst coworker possible. Read on to learn how
Follow these steps and you're sure to become everyone's least favorite person in the office in no time.
Step 1: Pepper your conversations with gems like “that’s a quick win”, “pick off some low-hanging fruit”, “one team, one dream”, and "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"
Step 2: When on a crowded elevator making several stops be the first person to say “i guess we’re on the local today” and then look around for laughter to validate how funny you are
Step 3: Always reply-all to all of your emails. Including but not limited to emails where you’re saying “Thanks” to a single person on the chain, and generic emails sent to all employees. Bonus points if you’re the person to reply all asking everyone to stop replying all
Step 4: Have really loud personal conversations at your desk about that mysterious bump that you found but have no idea where it came from or why it looks so angry
Step 5: Always follow up your emails with an IM to confirm that your email has been received - Outlook is a tricky beast and I’ve long suspected my emails don’t get delivered.
Step 6: Pop into random cubicles and drop little gems like “Someone’s got a case of the Mondays” and “working hard, or hardly working?”
Step 7: When your co-workers leave you out of something they clearly didn’t want you to join - drop in and say “Guess I didn’t get the memo” or “Guess my invite got lost in the mail!”
Step 8: Let everyone know about your crazy weekend plans: (warning Old School reference) We're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
Step 9: Eat lunch that smells like cooked dog poo and tabasco.
Step 10: Label said lunch in the communal fridge with phrases like “Na-cho Food!” or “Pawz Off!”
Step 11: Suggest that your group have a pot luck
Step 12: Bring fruit cake, carrot cake, or cheese cake to said pot-luck
Step 13: Guilt trip coworkers into buying stuff for your kids fund raisers. Negative points if they are girl scout cookies - everyone loves these. Bonus points for selling stuff no one wants like a month supply of Ultimate Butter Popcorn (I’ve had to buy this before and its awful)
Step 14: When exiting any room always give people the wink and the gun
I may or may not be guilty of number 10. What are some things you think could make someone the worst co-worker imaginable. Share yourand tips in the comments section.