A Real Trophy Wife

Dear Monkeys,

It's been a while and a lot has occurred. I'm kinda pissed I didn't have the chance to chime in on certain topics of the past few months. That said, I don't know of any other place online where the audience will not have jokes about Sandy Weil and Russian slutbutantes fly straight over their heads.

Spilling the Stout

It was a clear white night, a clear black moon...

I may be Almost Human but I feel like a Baboon.

The cold beer streamed off the side of my leg as I cursed that blasted spillage. The lit spliff in my left and the barely legal gaggerette bobbing for apple made my free right hand of little use.

To be or not to be?

To huff or not to puff?

To blast or to make it last?

Those were the sorts of thoughts running through my head as that frigid coldness made me shiver. Not to be outdone, my company had to stop and give commentary.

Not something I'm fond of.

If only there was a way they could keep their tongues, but only use them for good...

In response, I offered:

Robertson's Return

With all of the big names who have left the industry over the past few years, it is good to see a legend rise out of retirement and jog back on the playing field. All of you guys know Julian Robertson by name, but many weren't far past diapers when he was one of the rulers of Wall Street. To many of you, he was just a big name from yesteryear.

Weekend Wars: Drones vs. Moans

Over the past few weeks, I have been dealing with a very annoying neighbor. She can't shut up, moans, bitches and whines about every damn thing, but she's a good lay so I tolerate. It got me thinking about the workplace and how terrible it is to deal with annoying co-workers. You know what they say "co-workers, can't fuck'em, can't kill'em."

So many of you guys are putting in 80+ hour work weeks, dodging hipster turds on your way to work and getting the doormat treatment from your MDs, already. Can there be anything worse on top of that than a pain-in-the-ass colleague?

The Multi-Million Dollar Tip

So after talking about some nasty shit for Thanksgiving, today I would like to discuss how we show our gratitude. There is nothing easier than saying "thanks" and pretending to care. Actually showing that you are humbled by what you have and giving back is truly admirable. Earlier this week, a once in a lifetime good guy did just that.

Turkey Day Throw Down

Happy Thanksgiving boys and girls. As we all know and should remember, there's a lot more to be grateful for, than there is to be whining about. Still, some of us moan and bitch 'till the morning light. That's just how it is. You never know what you've got 'till it's gone.

With that thought in mind, I am going to share a Thanksgiving day story from my past, with you. Please keep in mind, some parts will get nasty and severely inappropriate by societal standards. If you have butthurt tendencies or the skin thickness of a hymen, please do not read any further. For the rest of you, please enjoy and don't try this at home...

The Imaginary Hedge Fund

Wouldn't it be great if we could go back to being kids? Or at least, if we could bring the wild imaginations we all had. You remember how it was. Picking up a water gun made you a cop, a blanket around your neck made you a superhero and some chocolate smeared all over your grill qualified you for the toilet inspector, but all of that changed. You grew up.

Weekend Wars: Miners vs. Bankers

Ok, so you guys have read me ranting on the subject of physical labor and commodity related endeavors for a while now. For those who do not know, I prefer the outdoors and manual labor to the white collar world. For the better part of the last American century, this sort of career choice would have placed me in the proverbial panting and pussified 99% of today.

Things have changed greatly over the past few years, however, and it does seem that working hard in the field is once again becoming the average guy's best chance at striking it rich.

Supper Mario Bankali

So I did a good bit of traveling this past year, specifically over the summer months. One hot ass day I was sitting in the gazebo of a Mediterranean beach house trying to enjoy the waves, the wine and the women...but something was impeding my relaxation.

It was the television and the ass clown on it. It was one of those slow motion car crash scenarios where you know you'll regret looking later, but just cannot help to stare right then and there. I went online and tried to find the program but I couldn't so take my word for it...or don't.

Goldman Sackless

It's pretty safe to say that not a damn thing surprises me, anymore. Open outcry communism markets trading heavy volume on the streets of America. Gender swapping toddlers investing in collateralized divorce obligations before they're old enough to buy Sunkist. Multimillionaires comparing themselves to indentured cave servants at the onset of the Bronze Age. We officially have it all in America, today.


WallStreet Prep Master Financial Modeling