Dear Sheryl Sandberg, Part 2

Dear Sheryl Sandberg,

I’m sure you enjoyed reading my last letter to you about the merits of quality leadership transcending stereotypes. It played right into your “lean in” message of confidence and speaking up.

And people really dug it. You were on the cover of Forbes, and Facebook’s continued success as a company has fed your success as an executive.

But lately, we’re obviously having some failure at communication. I’m referring to that ridiculous op-ed you took out in the WSJ.

Let me be…”direct” with you here (not “bossy,” because you don’t like that word): You are wrecking your cause by doing this.

If you want to change people’s attitudes towards women in the workplace, is banning certain words the best way to do it? People’s minds will remain unchanged, and they’ll switch to other words like “direct” or “blunt” to mean the same thing. Will you want those words banned as well? At a minimum, “speech codes” undermine your independent image and makes people think you can’t handle criticism.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to just forget the haters and let the quality of your work speak for itself?

Think about other very successful women, like Oprah Winfrey. Angela Merkel. Margaret Thatcher.

Do you really think they’re kept awake at night wondering, “I just wish I knew why people think I’m bossy?”

Well, let me ask the late Mrs. Thatcher about that…

By telling people what they can and cannot say about you, you aren’t “leaning in.” You’re reverting to the temper-tantrum tendencies that made the other little kids call you “bossy” in the first place. That may work well on the kindergarten playground, but it doesn’t work out so well on grownups. In fact, you’ll get the same response: “You’re not the boss of me!”

Leading by example is much better. Make wise decisions and be confident in them. Crack the whip if you must. Forget the haters.

Being called “bossy” obviously hasn’t stopped you. And it hasn’t stopped other women, either. Simply put, there’s never been a better, more opportune time to be a professional woman in America—you’re proof of that. And as long as you encourage each other to tough it out and forget the haters, there’s no reason it can’t continue.

In this world, as I’m sure you’re well aware, there are people who will criticize and hate everything you do just because you are a woman. There are also some people who will support and cheer everything you do just because you’re a woman.

Don’t make it easy for either of those people. Be your own boss instead.

 

Hahah, LOVED the Margaret Thatcher video. The Brits toss aside all bullshit when they're in Parliament. They don't beat around the bush like us Americans - and, to your point, they would never sink to banning certain words in certain places.

 

lol, 2 legit fo realz dawg

And agree on the post. She's a clown (is that better than bossy?).

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
 

I hate this lady, she looks a younger greenspan with a wig. I'm tired of hearing her bark and woof all over the place..... she hit the zuckerberg lottery but i'm sure she would attribute her success to solely her own doing..... I wish these types would just crawl back into their caves and never bother the civilized world again

 

If you're so concerned about being called bossy, maybe it's not the word that's the problem, but you. Figure out why people are calling you this to your face, and see if there's something negative in your demeanor that's causing you to be perceived this way. If you don't like it, change your behavior to seem friendlier. If you don't care, move on. It's not that hard.

 

Woah. If you want to disagree with the campaign, that's totally reasonable - I'm not sure I'm entirely on board with it either. However, let's at least get the arguments straight. The campaign is not about adults who can and perhaps should be expected to brush labels off and carry on - though clearly Sandberg is implying that there are ripple effects that perpetuate for all ages. This is mostly about children. And that's a very different situation. Calling a 5 year old 'blunt' or 'direct' has a very different connotation than calling her (or him!) 'bossy'.

In her book, she does a decent job of laying out her case - citing studies that show that teachers use different word choices when talking to girls v boys, interrupt them more, etc. Though Ban Bossy has a touch of extremism and it's certainly a very simplified message that runs the risk of being overly one-sided, it's about more than just banning bossy and there's a whole lot more to support (and criticize) behind the catchy slogan.

 
mehtal:

Woah. If you want to disagree with the campaign, that's totally reasonable - I'm not sure I'm entirely on board with it either. However, let's at least get the arguments straight. The campaign is not about adults who can and perhaps should be expected to brush labels off and carry on - though clearly Sandberg is implying that there are ripple effects that perpetuate for all ages. This is mostly about children. And that's a very different situation. Calling a 5 year old 'blunt' or 'direct' has a very different connotation than calling her (or him!) 'bossy'.

In her book, she does a decent job of laying out her case - citing studies that show that teachers use different word choices when talking to girls v boys, interrupt them more, etc. Though Ban Bossy has a touch of extremism and it's certainly a very simplified message that runs the risk of being overly one-sided, it's about more than just banning bossy and there's a whole lot more to support (and criticize) behind the catchy slogan.

Agreed... if there's anything more our children need it's additional coddling. It's not enough that they live in a world where everyone is a winner, we also have to now consider how harsh words like bossy can have devastating effects that will ripple through childhood and into adulthood...... but wait let's not stop there... let's tell all of these kids that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up, including working in PE of all things! All they have to do is try hard enough and they'll get their shot because everyone's a winner. Flash forward 15 years and little Christy Barton is a senior finance major at Ball State boasting a 2.9 gpa and a summer internship at Edward Jones.... she had to walk door to door all summer pitching mutual funds for the advisor she was working for, but the advisor assured her that her hard work would pay off once she graduated. It's two weeks before graduation and Christy stumbles upon WSO with an introductory post titled "Which PE Firm Should This Fresh Ball State Grad Apply Too?". The sharks smell blood within minutes and tear the poor sheltered girl apart!! Christy is presented with the real world for the first time in her life :(................... Maybe little Christy would have been better off if adults would have leveled with her as a child so she could prepare adequately?

In other news, the artist Kelis has denounced Sandberg & Co.

 

If an eight year old can't take being called bossy, well I have some bad news for them. Life isn't a fucking fairy-tale.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne
 

I don't understand how "bossy" became a negative word towards women. I always thought that it just meant that a person from the age of 1-100, male or female, was telling other people what to do. When did this have to do with women only? To me, it's just like the PC police changing sexual harassment to sexual "hairessment" because they thought that harassment sounded like "her ass." Well, it didn't sound like that until YOU PEOPLE pointed it out. People just need to let things be. I've always been an advocate of free speech, but if you want to start banning words, pick a worse word to ban. Beyonce is all on this campaign, but doesn't her and her man's music use worse language than bossy??? Geez, if I had the time to sit around and dream up some campaign to get behind. Too bad the rest of us are out there trying to make our way in the world and don't have time for such nonsense (as I post in attempts for more bananas...)

"Decide what to be and go be it." - The Avett Brothers
 
wareagle4230:

I don't understand how "bossy" became a negative word towards women. I always thought that it just meant that a person from the age of 1-100, male or female, was telling other people what to do. When did this have to do with women only? To me, it's just like the PC police changing sexual harassment to sexual "hairessment" because they thought that harassment sounded like "her ass." Well, it didn't sound like that until YOU PEOPLE pointed it out. People just need to let things be. I've always been an advocate of free speech, but if you want to start banning words, pick a worse word to ban. Beyonce is all on this campaign, but doesn't her and her man's music use worse language than bossy??? Geez, if I had the time to sit around and dream up some campaign to get behind. Too bad the rest of us are out there trying to make our way in the world and don't have time for such nonsense (as I post in attempts for more bananas...)

Beyoncé is a mental midget and her involvement should pretty much end this discussion where it is.... sad that Condoleezza Rice got pulled into this mess, I actually semi-respected her before.

 

@heister : see, here's what I don't get--if it's as systematic as the studies she cites says it is, wouldn't women advance much less dramatically than they already have? Obviously it isn't stopping them...

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 

@In The Flesh (great handle by the way) - Who seriously does a study on this kind of garbage???

@m56 - Exactly my point. I think she's a talentless moron, propped up by a music industry that feeds garbage to lap dog 13 year olds, but should be able to use whatever language she wants to. But don't go parading around selling sex and saying things like "bitch" and then tell me what I should and shouldn't utter. That is actually bossier than anything I've ever said. What a bossy bitch.

"Decide what to be and go be it." - The Avett Brothers
 

@wareagle4230 : You'd be surprised what people spend their time studying. And thanks...from your remarks about Beyonce, I assume you think she's the greatest after Pink Floyd? :)

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 

@In The Flesh - 3rd, gotta put Lady Gaga on top. Seriously though, gone are the days where concept albums and lyrical creation mattered. I'm only 30, but I shake my head at what they call music these days. I could only probably tell you two of Beyonce's songs... thank God. I like to quote Wilco sometimes... "The best band won't ever get signed, Kay-Settes starring Butcher's Blind, so good you won't ever know, they never even played a show, you won't hear em on the radio." The nightmare on the FM radio waves that is Clear Channel depresses and frightens me...

"Decide what to be and go be it." - The Avett Brothers
 

I'll look it up so I can tell my three kids, "So it was a Tuesday in March, and I was on this message board..." I'm hoping that my kids will be taught better than Beyonce. My oldest is 6, and she always tells people that her favorite drummer is Keith Moon. I allowed my 4 year old to stay up and watch the Super Bowl halftime show because her favorite band is the "Red Holly Chili Peppahs"... never a dull moment with kids.

"Decide what to be and go be it." - The Avett Brothers
 

I work with a chick that talks like both of them, and I usually end up jokingly saying "Please shut the hell up". If you want to do something, just do it. Don't make everything about you being a woman.

People that make it about sex, race, creed, etc don't get any respect from me because I see it as some passive aggressive bullshit to take the heat off of themselves by turning things into something they are not. BE WHO YOU ARE. Don't apologize for yourself, get it right, and get it on. Period

It's that simple.

Get busy living
 
UFOinsider:
I work with a chick that talks like both of them, and I usually end up jokingly saying "Please shut the hell up". If you want to do something, just do it. Don't make everything about you being a woman.

People that make it about sex, race, creed, etc don't get any respect from me because I see it as some passive aggressive bullshit to take the heat off of themselves by turning things into something they are not. BE WHO YOU ARE. Don't apologize for yourself, get it right, and get it on. Period

It's that simple.

you'd get a silver banana from me for this is I had any

 
UFOinsider:
I work with a chick that talks like both of them, and I usually end up jokingly saying "Please shut the hell up". If you want to do something, just do it. Don't make everything about you being a woman.

People that make it about sex, race, creed, etc don't get any respect from me because I see it as some passive aggressive bullshit to take the heat off of themselves by turning things into something they are not. BE WHO YOU ARE. Don't apologize for yourself, get it right, and get it on. Period

It's that simple.

This.

 
UFOinsider:
I work with a chick that talks like both of them, and I usually end up jokingly saying "Please shut the hell up". If you want to do something, just do it. Don't make everything about you being a woman.

People that make it about sex, race, creed, etc don't get any respect from me because I see it as some passive aggressive bullshit to take the heat off of themselves by turning things into something they are not. BE WHO YOU ARE. Don't apologize for yourself, get it right, and get it on. Period

It's that simple.

Most women also have an uncanny ability to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

Please don't quote Patrick Bateman.
 

Usually I would be reluctant to adress something like this but I think it's neccessary because so many other's are subscribing to it.

People that make it about race, sex, creed, religion etc. often are people who genuinely face uphill battles predicated on race, sex, creed, religion etc.

When you are a man in a paternalistic society it's a little easier being a man When your a Christian in a Juedeo-Christian society...it's easier being christian When your heterosexual in a predominantly heterosexual society..it's easier being straight When your White in a predominantly White society..it's easier being White

The list goes on...life is easier for skinny people, tall people, agressive people, extraverted people.

So to make a blanket statement that dismisses actual biases in the workplace and real life is silly.

It's also short sighted to list several promintent women as validation that women are doing just fine in the workplace..and all they have to do is work hard to get where these women are at.

Let's be real..what's the most typical response by someone after they make a racist or sexist or biggoted comment. Basically they throw out the names of the two people they know that fit that demographic (i.e. Oh I can be a biggot cuz my wife's nephew is Gay and we get along fine).

This is just rhetoric that people use when they're in a place of privelage and don't realize it.

When you have advantages that you are born with...it's very difficult to recognize it. It creates an emotional reaction of cognitive dissonance becuase everyone wants to believe that their success is purely of their own doing...thus others failures are their own fault.

No one is saying you're not smart, ambitious, hardworking.

I think Sandberg doesn't do a very good job of being inclusive and is really just a message to upper middle class (highly educated) women who have the opportunity to speak up and the choice of how to best raise thier children.

But...As oppsoed to shunning the concerns of other's to help validate your own esteem, actually listen and try to empathize from another's perspective other than your own.

 

I actually think that women do have it a lot tougher in the office than guys, for a variety of reasons. Lashing out about it won't do them any good, which is the whole point of Sheryl Sandberg's book. But as smart men, we should be looking to recognize our own biases. All sorts of psychological studies have shown that for most people, it's definitely present. No reason to trumpet crass chauvinism as 'being real.' That's just reveling in ignorance.

 

where do these biases originate from? why DID the workforce evolve to be predominantly male? If men and women are the same in this respect, where are all the female entrepreneurs? Where have they been historically? With all that time sitting around the kitchen table gossiping (ha ha)? maybe that is a better starting point than just saying "men are biased because ideally men and women are identical and are equally suited to everything".

 
In The Flesh:
she started saying that a female’s likability goes down the more successful she becomes.
In Miller's case, yes, she's killing a very popular program and talking out of all sides of her mouth to take the heat off of that. She made a decision, now stand by it like a big kid while the rank and file throw a tantrum. If her program turns the company around, she gets the credit. If it fails, it's not because people are sexist. And to be fair to her, Yahoo is fucked up in so many ways that I don't expect any one person to turn it around quickly...so if she does she's a hero.

Saying that women are less liked when they get successful is not true. Lynn Tilon, Hillary Clinton or Margaret Thatcher (take your pick), Condoleeza Rice, Martha Stewart, lots of actresses, female news anchors...these are extremely successful women with huge fan bases. Do more people dislike someone as they become famous? Yes, but more people like them too. I'm just pointing out that it's a matter of perspective.

LOL how about the grumpy old men that no one likes: Carl Icahn, Rupert Murdoch, or Vladimir Putin? Is that sexist? Seriously, this is a case by case basis and while it's harder for women (currently) to rise up to such a level, once they're there it really is about whether or not they gitRdone

Get busy living
 

Whenever I hear someone say "I can't do well in work because I'm X". All i hear is "I'm a pussy that makes excuses".

And Sheryl Sandberg proves the point why girls become less likeable as they rise in power, they think too highly of themselves because they are "empowered women".

 

Honestly, if a guy and a girl are equally qualified for a position, it usually goes to the girl, especially at the entry level since the girl is usually hotter in her early 20's. Men are hiring and they won't say it, but they will tend to hire a hot girl in most cases.

Additionally, in the UK and US they can't find enough women to fill the top positions and people bitch all the time because of that so you have to be a pretty stupid to not get a C-suite position as a girl. The Financial times had an article last year about how the UK firms were pretty much only hiring women for executive positions so they could boost the amount of women in top positions to meet the EU soft quotas. Even if you were a super qualified guy, a moderately qualified girl would get the position. So when I hear about how hard it is to climb the ladder as a woman, i call BS.

 

Dude, started a business in college. My co-founder was a chick. I tried to make it work .... then we fucked. Kid you not, she was like 'I thought you were guy for not fucking me sooner.' Boom, bada-bing. Zing.

 

I am surprised there are so many haters... why don't you just do a sex change surgery, start to have babies, and undertake 2 full-time jobs simultaneously (one inside the other outside of home)? It's not easy and I hope you start show some appreciation to the other gender.

That being said, everyone hates whining butches. But Sheryl Sandberg is not one of them IMO.

The Auto Show
 

I read mayer is trying to make yahoo run like google & a carciature of wall street. She was quoted wanting only kids from top schools with top grades. Wonder how that's working out for yahoo to fill 8% of its workforce.

 
huanleshalemei:
I am surprised there are so many haters... why don't you just do a sex change surgery, start to have babies, and undertake 2 full-time jobs simultaneously (one inside the other outside of home)? It's not easy and I hope you start show some appreciation to the other gender.

That being said, everyone hates whining butches. But Sheryl Sandberg is not one of them IMO.

EVERYONE becomes less popular when they become a boss, it's just the nature of things. Women are finding this out and guess what...they're no exception. Miller is especially unpopular because she gets executive privelages with help for her child while she "struggles", while simultaneously ending work from home programs that really help other single moms....so she's kind of fucking other women over and then bitching about the blowback and implying that this is somehow women being persecuted. Spare me. She's a woman who's selling out other women, and this isn't going to help with moralle at an already struggling company. She should have started off by focusing on productivity metrics instead of who's sitting pretty in a cube or working remotely. Studies clearly demonstrate that productivity is much higher when people work from home because they are more focused on the task at hand instead of office politics, waiting on line for the copy center, etc etc etc and they just WORK. Her caricature of people sitting around doing nothing collecting a check is very ignorant. I know this because I spend some time working remotely and my numbers are a lot higher because there's no distractions. So if you can do a task from home you're getting CLEARLY DOCUMENTED better results...she killed this in the name of better results? And improving moralle? Child please, this is about CYA.

I'm not sure why you think anyone is hating because they disagree with you. I'm not a chauvanist at all, but I'm certainly not a feminist who will blindly take the womans' side on everything just to do it. I'm weighing the merits of each perception against the reality, not hating. If someone wants more support, then be a big girl and ask for it...but bitching about not being popular enough is juvenile crap. Look at seriously powerful women: Hillary Clinton, Martha Stewart, Margaret Thatcher, etc etc etc. Do you think they give two shits about who likes them? Not at all. They do what they have to do and don't take any crap.

Psychologically, women with higher IQs tend to suffer from depression more than men with high IQs because women have tended to be more aware of those around them, especially their problems. If this is a hardwired biological difference, then this empathy could actually be turned into a huge positive in light of the many male leaders who have thoughtlessly ignored those around them and run their organization into the ground. So in this sense, women could have the upper hand, and just need to make this attribute work for them. If it's just a cultural thing, then see my first comment: please shut the hell up.

This is directed at them, not you, so take this at face value.

Get busy living
 
UFOinsider:
I'm not sure why you think anyone is hating because they disagree with you. I'm not a chauvanist at all, but I'm certainly not a feminist who will blindly take the womans' side on everything just to do it. I'm weighing the merits of each perception against the reality, not hating.

Wow, UFO I do like your ability to expand the argument. But here all I am saying is trying to put yourself in women's shoes and be more understanding. Of course being a woman doesn't automatically grant one the privilege of contantly whining or taking less responsibilities. If I have to work with someone like that, I would ask them to shut the hell up as well.

I rarely see the world as either black or white, or blindly take a side for the sake of taking side. I respect one aspect of someone's personality and may despise the other aspect(s). That's how I feel about Sheryl Sandberg.

The Auto Show
 

The way this post immediately degenerated into some straight sexist bullshit IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM. It's always hilarious to read these posts about women, minorities, etc and see the ignorant douchebags immediately let their sexist ("nobody likes that bitch") racist ("affirmative action baby") bullshit fly.

Jonmorris and DBcooper, please go kill yourselves. The world has no need for you and you have no chance of being half as successful as Sandberg or Meyer.

As for Meyer's no working at home policy, its not bitchy - ITS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. As someone who has worked on really high functioning teams where the work could easily be done from home (its all on a computer), it is OBVIOUS that for the most part, it shouldn't. People collaborate better, work more efficiently, and are more focused when they are at WORK with their colleagues.

This isn't to say work from home doesn't or can't work, only that if you want to create a really high performance small-team culture colocation is key.

 
dazedmonk:
The way this post immediately degenerated into some straight sexist bullshit IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM. It's always hilarious to read these posts about women, minorities, etc and see the ignorant douchebags immediately let their sexist ("nobody likes that bitch") racist ("affirmative action baby") bullshit fly.

Jonmorris and DBcooper, please go kill yourselves. The world has no need for you and you have no chance of being half as successful as Sandberg or Meyer.

As for Meyer's no working at home policy, its not bitchy - ITS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. As someone who has worked on really high functioning teams where the work could easily be done from home (its all on a computer), it is OBVIOUS that for the most part, it shouldn't. People collaborate better, work more efficiently, and are more focused when they are at WORK with their colleagues.

This isn't to say work from home doesn't or can't work, only that if you want to create a really high performance small-team culture colocation is key.

Get busy living
 

Fuck no.

[quote]The HBS guys have MAD SWAGGER. They frequently wear their class jackets to boston bars, strutting and acting like they own the joint. They just ooze success, confidence, swagger, basically attributes of alpha males.[/quote]
 

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Disclaimer for the Kids: Any forward-looking statements are solely for informational purposes and cannot be taken as investment advice. Consult your moms before deciding where to invest.
 

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