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Don't Ask An Investment Banker What They Do
 

Aaron Burr's picture
PE
(Gorilla, 558
 
Points)
 on 10/18/12 at 11:00pm
I don't care about your job, you shouldn't care about mine

When you’re meeting new people, even in casual social situations, the topic of work is never far off. Maybe this is a general commentary on The Texting Generation’s lacking conversation skills, but I always find myself getting asked about my work shortly after being introduced to someone.

    “Sooo… what do you do?”

It's a question I never want to answer...

During the bad ol’ analyst days, I’d be at a friend’s apartment or a bar, trying to pound booze as quickly as humanly possible so for a precious few hours, I could transport my mind away from the endless vortex of minutiae that dominates the life of every junior banker on Wall Street. Despite my borderline sociopathic drinking routine, some chipper friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend would always find a way to spark up conversation. For whatever reason, the topic of that conversation always eventually pivoted toward work.


Please shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

In between gulps of cheap beer and/or badly mixed whiskey and Diet, I’d catch on to the fact that the nameless mouthpiece currently distracting me from my systematic brain cell murder had a day job involving corporate sales, law clerking, or something else vaguely generic. After jabbering on about how awesome it is to live in New York City and how great living in the West Village is, inevitably, the ball would be volleyed back to me:

    “Sooo… what do you do?”

During my time in investment banking, I answered this question hundreds of times, in as many different ways. As a third party, I’ve seen it asked and answered many times more than that. Generally, the answers were a variation on the following:

    1. I’m in finance. [FYE-nance]
    Usually, I was concentrating on getting my mind off work, not talking about it. Given that literally millions of New York City residents work “in finance” in some capacity, this answer could have been interpreted as “I am a bank teller at the BofA on Canal Street,” “I am the real Bess Levin,” “I am Henry Kravis and today is wig day,” or anything else in between. Frankly, it didn’t matter. I answered tersely, and with a “let’s talk about something else, please for the love of fuck” type of tone.
    2. I’m in finance. [fin-NANCE]


    I wipe my ass with Benjis. Baleedat, son.
    What a difference inflection makes. Sarcasm is like Tabasco – it’s meant to be used sparingly, but sometimes you just gotta lay it on thick. After replying with just the right dose of pomp, I’d launch into a long monologue about my days growing up in southern Connecticut, playing on the Exeter lacrosse team, and cruising through the Wilson school at Princeton before moving on to my current gig in banking. Of course, none of these things were true.
    3. I’m in banking.
    When I was feeling polite enough to actually answer the question rather than 1) dismiss it, or 2) troll it, I’d still be pretty vague. The bottom line was, talking about work always led to conversations that led me deeper into the abyss of cynicism. What does one say to someone who’s essentially just told you he’s decided to celebrate his college graduation with 730 days of torture? In my experience, something equally depressing:

    My dad was a banker. I never saw him when I was growing up.

    You know, coffee stains your teeth.

    Really? I thought you said you were a philosophy major. How do you live with yourself?

    … or something so stupid it’s offensive:

    Oh, I hear you guys work a lot. Do you, like, do a ton of coke to stay awake?

    You work for a bank? Great! The other day, the ATM ate my check. Can you help me look into that?

    I think it is SO wrong that you guys don’t have to pay taxes. AND you got bailed out!

    … or something infuriating:

    I know how hard that must be. I worked till 7 today.

    Hey, at least you get a free Blackberry!

    You must be learning a lot.

    … or, perhaps most wrenching of all:

    Me too.

On the one hand, it’s depressing to see the sad, hollowed-out reflection of yourself standing in front of you. The downtrodden tone of voice, the rumpled dress shirt and creased slacks held up by a worn belt that’s one loop away from useless. Hell, you might even catch a glimpse of a laptop bag somewhere in the corner of the room.


Word, bro. Fuck those wussy consultants.

On the other hand, you get the strong sense of camaraderie that comes with meeting another one of your own. There are thousands of analysts on Wall Street, but one of the worst parts of the job is feeling like you’re very much alone in the uphill battle of corporate survival.

Bumping into a fellow analyst is a reminder that there are others that understand where you are mentally and emotionally. I find that this is what binds the WSO community itself - young financiers reaching out to others in the same shoes, in search of a common bond forged through the shared experience of working on the Street.

As for me, I’ve been out of banking for awhile and I still dance around the topic of work. Aside from writing these columns about my experiences on Wall Street, I rarely broach the subject – as it was, I spent more than enough time at work already.

How do you respond to people who ask you about your work, and how do you feel about meeting other bankers on your rare nights off the job?

Aaron Burr is a retired investment banking analyst and currently works as an associate at a private equity fund. Email him at [email protected]

See my other WSO blog posts
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Comments

bankerella's picture

Aaron, this post is good.

IB
(King Kong, 1,863
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:03pm

Aaron, this post is good. Don't get me wrong. But it made me want to shoot myself and/or drink before noon.

Come on, you know the code: if you're having a bad day, don't share. You never know who else is hanging by a thread that day. Just douche extra-hard, troll some poor scrubs, and wait for tomorrow to come.

This is why, if I walk into a bar or restaurant full of bankers, I walk out. I want to be with people in S&T, hedge funds, MBA programs, consulting, accounting, whatever... fuck, I'll take PR, politics, media, even art school over bankers any day. Junior bankers are shit conversationalists. There's very little left in them once the bank finishes taking its cut.

Monkeys, for what it's worth, approach #2 in Aaron's post is what you should be aiming for when people ask you what you do on those rare nights you get to yourself. Troll the world, kids. Do your auntie proud.

See my other WSO blog posts

HWF's picture

Just tell people straight up

(Monkey, 49
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:04pm

Just tell people straight up you don't talk about work. Especially useful if you know you get a negative reaction once you say you're a banker. Then while you are talking about work, you are also being told how bad your decisions, and how low of a person you are. Awesome!

George87's picture

Can someone please remove the

IB
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:26pm

Can someone please remove the ads above?

Unforseen's picture

^^^ what I love this post. My

(King Kong, 1,099
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:28pm

^^^ what

I love this post. My friends in college used to be fun and now all we talk about is work and/or how much work sucks. i will use this post as my inspirations to bitchslap everyone who talks about work at social gatherings

Check out my Blog

AllDay_028's picture

Even though I don't work in

CF
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:28pm

Even though I don't work in banking, number 2 is always my response. I don't think i've told the truth about what I do/my life to a single female i've met in a bar since I left college.

TheLastCall's picture

bankerella: Aaron, this post

(Baboon, 134
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:36pm
bankerella:

Aaron, this post is good. Don't get me wrong. But it made me want to shoot myself and/or drink before noon.

Come on, you know the code: if you're having a bad day, don't share. You never know who else is hanging by a thread that day. Just douche extra-hard, troll some poor scrubs, and wait for tomorrow to come.

This is why, if I walk into a bar or restaurant full of bankers, I walk out. I want to be with people in S&T, hedge funds, MBA programs, consulting, accounting, whatever... fuck, I'll take PR, politics, media, even art school over bankers any day. Junior bankers are shit conversationalists. There's very little left in them once the bank finishes taking its cut.

Monkeys, for what it's worth, approach #2 in Aaron's post is what you should be aiming for when people ask you what you do on those rare nights you get to yourself. Troll the world, kids. Do your auntie proud.

Don't know what city you're in, but don't S&T/hedge funds/PE/bankers all hang out at the same joints? I would think that finance professionals making decent money congregate at the same watering holes. This is certainly true in manhattan.

George87's picture

Awesome. Thanks. I usually

IB
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:38pm

Awesome. Thanks. I usually just use a combination of the above. The topic always comes up nowadays, and as Aaron mentions about this generation, I find myself doing it (can't stop it even though I think to myself how retarded I am for falling into that cycle). I usually start of with finance (fye-nance), then if they press on it, i'll say banking (at this point most people quit or assume I'm a teller, either of which is fine if I'm drinking), and then if they press more I'll assume they have a clue (been wrong here many times) and go into a spiel about what I do and consequently, if they're not bankers themselves, blow their f*cking minds! haha Sometimes though, asking that question will get you talking to people walking a whole different path in life (i.e. artists, musicians, formula 3 drivers, etc.), so the conversations can become interesting and quite fulfilling. I hate doing this rodeo in a club or bar, where the music is pumping hard, and I can't hear a word ppl are saying... most times I'll just smile and nod.

AndyLouis's picture

great stuff burr, +1

 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 1:46pm

great stuff burr, +1

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.

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Magilla's picture

You think having that

(Monkey, 37
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 2:10pm

You think having that questioned asked to you as a banker is bad? Try having that asked to you when your job title is: U.S. Marine. Holy shit stick was that the one question I prayed I was never asked... Anywhere... Ever. Why? Because all of those stupid answers above x1000. Oh.. And people look at you like you're poor.. Because you are.

blastoise's picture

just say screw up the

O
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 2:24pm

just say screw up the economy, people will go oh those people

TechBanking's picture

Easy answer to that question

EN
(King Kong, 1,105
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 2:31pm

Easy answer to that question - Rodeo clown (we're doing a show at MSG) or architect that specializes in something really random, like next gen porto potty design or restoring gargoyles

CaR's picture

When I go to vegas Im the

O
(Gorilla, 643
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 3:03pm

When I go to vegas Im the inventor of FarmVille

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.
Kurt Vonnegut

miz03's picture

Magilla: You think having

CO
(Monkey, 30
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 3:13pm
Magilla:

You think having that questioned asked to you as a banker is bad? Try having that asked to you when your job title is: U.S. Marine. Holy shit stick was that the one question I prayed I was never asked... Anywhere... Ever. Why? Because all of those stupid answers above x1000. Oh.. And people look at you like you're poor.. Because you are.

It only sucked to answer if you weren't combat arms or do any good deployments.

miz03's picture

Magilla: You think having

CO
(Monkey, 30
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 3:14pm
Magilla:

You think having that questioned asked to you as a banker is bad? Try having that asked to you when your job title is: U.S. Marine. Holy shit stick was that the one question I prayed I was never asked... Anywhere... Ever. Why? Because all of those stupid answers above x1000. Oh.. And people look at you like you're poor.. Because you are.

It only sucked to answer if you weren't combat arms or do any good deployments.

Tommy Too-toned's picture

So people slave away to

(Gorilla, 505
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 3:20pm

So people slave away to become investment bankers because it's prefteejus, and then once they're bankers they don't want to talk about being a banker because it's embarrassing or irritating?

Makes everyone seem a bit .....

Otter.'s picture

TechBanking: Easy answer to

CD
(Gorilla, 554
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 3:27pm

Hi, Eric Stratton, rush chairman, damn glad to meet you.

Otter.'s picture

Double post.

CD
(Gorilla, 554
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 5:42pm

Hi, Eric Stratton, rush chairman, damn glad to meet you.

Bobb's picture

TheLastCall: bankerella: Aa

AM
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 3:35pm
holla_back's picture

Bobb: TheLastCall: banker

O
(King Kong, 1,091
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 4:23pm
mr_gondola's picture

"day job involving corporate

O
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 4:32pm
kyleyboy's picture

I'd probably answer this

HF
(Gorilla, 740
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 5:12pm

I help people with the tough situation of not knowing how to respond to emails.

SirTradesaLot's picture

kyleyboy: I'd probably answer

O
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 6:15pm

Turbo leverage for capital explosion -- BD Capital

My WSO Blog

honeyoak87's picture

great post, its nice to see

 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 8:41pm

Morpheus: Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?

TerpStreeter's picture

TechBanking: Easy answer to

HF
 
Points)
 on 9/27/12 at 9:05pm
TechBanking's picture

Tommy Too-toned: So people

EN
(King Kong, 1,105
 
Points)
 on 9/28/12 at 2:36am
buybuybuy's picture

Murders & Executions

AM
 
Points)
 on 9/28/12 at 7:33am
neomanxllp's picture

TechBanking: Tommy

 
Points)
 on 9/28/12 at 8:29am
Bobb's picture

holla_back: Bobb: TheLast

AM
 
Points)
 on 9/28/12 at 10:36am
DonVon's picture

SirTradesaLot: Other person:

IB
(King Kong, 1,914
 
Points)
 on 9/28/12 at 4:56pm

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Check out my blog!

Ron Paul's picture

I like to tell them I'm a

 
Points)
 on 9/28/12 at 8:14pm
sandsurfngbomber's picture

This absolutely shatters all

IB
 
Points)
 on 9/30/12 at 6:49pm
SirTradesaLot's picture

sandsurfngbomber: This

O
 
Points)
 on 9/30/12 at 6:59pm

Turbo leverage for capital explosion -- BD Capital

My WSO Blog

holla_back's picture

Bobb: holla_back: Bobb:

O
(King Kong, 1,091
 
Points)
 on 10/3/12 at 2:24am
Don&#039;tyoudoit's picture

Magilla: You think having

O
 
Points)
 on 10/5/12 at 2:23am
lostmonkey007's picture

whitemamba1309: TechBanking

(Chimp, 9
 
Points)
 on 10/6/12 at 12:19am
bankerella's picture

No way. My first year, I

IB
(King Kong, 1,863
 
Points)
 on 10/7/12 at 5:23pm

See my other WSO blog posts

SECfinance's picture

I interned in the IB arm of a

IB
(King Kong, 1,414
 
Points)
 on 10/18/12 at 11:15pm
Sandhurst's picture

Aaron Burr: “I am the real

IB
(King Kong, 1,235
 
Points)
 on 10/18/12 at 11:32pm

"There are three ways to make a living in this business: be first, be smarter, or cheat."

Stringer Bell's picture

Here's your answer: Sell shit

PE
(King Kong, 1,679
 
Points)
 on 10/18/12 at 11:37pm
Disincentivy's picture

"I am a secretary" This

VC
(Gorilla, 713
 
Points)
 on 10/18/12 at 11:47pm

I may not be on the Jedi Council, but I sure am great with the Force.

See my WSO blog posts

gammaovertheta's picture

holla_back: Bobb: holla_b

ST
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 2:46am
mikesswimn's picture

SirTradesaLot: Other person:

O
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 7:19am

"My caddie's chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested."

BlackHat's picture

Why tell the truth? I've

HF
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 11:12am

I hate victims who respect their executioners

Follow BH & Co. on Twitter: @DumbLuckCapital
twitter.com/DumbLuckCapital

In The Flesh's picture

"I'm not at liberty to

HF
(Neanderthal, 2,801
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 1:49pm

Head of Metal Website: www.headofmetal.com

https://twitter.com/headofmetal2012

BlackHat's picture

In The Flesh: "I'm not at

HF
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 1:53pm

I hate victims who respect their executioners

Follow BH & Co. on Twitter: @DumbLuckCapital
twitter.com/DumbLuckCapital

In The Flesh's picture

BlackHat: In The

HF
(Neanderthal, 2,801
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 2:46pm

Head of Metal Website: www.headofmetal.com

https://twitter.com/headofmetal2012

Bondarb's picture

When someone asks me that

HF
(Neanderthal, 2,283
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 7:30pm
SirTradesaLot's picture

Bondarb: When someone asks me

O
 
Points)
 on 10/19/12 at 10:28pm

Turbo leverage for capital explosion -- BD Capital

My WSO Blog

International Pymp's picture

Wow, I'm so glad my young

RE
(King Kong, 1,882
 
Points)
 on 10/20/12 at 7:57am
BlackHat's picture

Bondarb: When someone asks me

HF
 
Points)
 on 10/20/12 at 9:50am

I hate victims who respect their executioners

Follow BH & Co. on Twitter: @DumbLuckCapital
twitter.com/DumbLuckCapital

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