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WARNING - This post may contain emasculating content and expose the author to ridicule

Yesterday was the start of a new month, which for me is my 'grooming' day. I'm sure most male monkeys here have a grooming routine; after all, we need to keep ourselves in tip-top condition. So, let us bare all, reveal our souls and describe what we do to look sharp.

I'm fully aware that some people view male grooming as "OMG GAY" or lacking self confidence but I disagree. Women take time to put on makeup, do their hair, get facials etc. so I don't see why men shouldn't take some time to put effort into their appearance as well.

For me it's a facial exfoliation followed by an ear clean with olive oil and then to finish up, plucking some unsightly nasal and eyebrow hairs. If you havn't done it before, be aware that plucking your nose hair is by far the most eye-watering thing you can do from the safety of your own bathroom.

I think doing my routine every day would be overkill, but I could perhaps increase it to every week.

So, for you like-minded monkeys wishing to make the change from ape to gentleman, what is YOUR male grooming routine? What is the worst part?

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Comments (39)

  • BTbanker's picture

    I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now.

    After I remove the icepack, I use a deep pore-cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb mint facial masque which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine.

    I always use an after-shave lotion with little or no alcohol because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing "protective" lotion...

    Rinse, and repeat.

  • Going Concern's picture

    Putting in the obvious response before everyone else does.

    In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.

    “The new day brings new hope. The lives we’ve led, the lives we’ve yet to lead. A new day. New ideas. A new you.”

  • In reply to Going Concern
    Going Concern's picture

    Damn beat me to it

    “The new day brings new hope. The lives we’ve led, the lives we’ve yet to lead. A new day. New ideas. A new you.”

  • UFOinsider's picture

    Son, let me give you a piece of advice.....if you want to continue to work here, lay off the drugs.

    Get busy living

  • Ron Paul's picture

    I use lots of moisturizer for my face, b/c the shower dries it out, no homo, and also use it as after shave b/c it has no alcohol (no American Psycho reference intended). I fucking hate shaving with a passion and often cut myself but found the greatest blood stopper on the planet, works literally 2-3 seconds after you put it on, even on bad cuts, stings though - looks like a chalk stick, does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

    I spend a good while on my hair when it gets long. Any other guys afraid of their hair starting to thin? Mine has slowly started and I'm mid 20's.

    Also, I shove a cucumber in my pants on days I meet with HR chicks.

  • In reply to Ron Paul
    UFOinsider's picture

    Ron Paul:
    looks like a chalk stick, does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

    Glycerine
    Ron Paul:
    Also, I shove a cucumber in my pants on days I meet with HR chicks.

    Harold was in the South of France, and could not understand why Rich had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he had no luck.
    So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

    Rich replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

    So Harold stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.

    Harold went to see Rich again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"

    Rich looked at Harold and said "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

    Get busy living

  • In reply to UFOinsider
    turtles's picture

    UFOinsider:
    Ron Paul:
    looks like a chalk stick, does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

    Glycerine
    Ron Paul:
    Also, I shove a cucumber in my pants on days I meet with HR chicks.

    Harold was in the South of France, and could not understand why Rich had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he had no luck.
    So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

    Rich replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

    So Harold stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.

    Harold went to see Rich again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"

    Rich looked at Harold and said "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"


    that's great hahaha
  • In reply to UFOinsider
    DontMakeMeShortYou's picture

    UFOinsider:
    Ron Paul:
    looks like a chalk stick, does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

    Glycerine
    Ron Paul:
    Also, I shove a cucumber in my pants on days I meet with HR chicks.

    Harold was in the South of France, and could not understand why Rich had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he had no luck.
    So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

    Rich replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

    So Harold stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.

    Harold went to see Rich again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"

    Rich looked at Harold and said "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

    +1 hahaha

    stealing that

  • Spin Control's picture

    Asatar:
    plucking some unsightly nasal and eyebrow hairs.

    Damn, how do you manage to pluck your nose hairs? I tried it once and decided I'd trim them instead. Any pro tips?

  • DontMakeMeShortYou's picture

    Hair: don't just go for what's easy - you'll get respect for a nice-looking, well-styled head of hair. Girls love that shit. If you're style-retarded, let your hair grow out, then go to a stylist and have them design the right look for you. For a cheaper alternative, look at what kind of hair people with your facial structure tend to have.

    Clothes: Fit. Fit. Fit. Get your stuff tailored. Go for simple looks over crazy patterns/colors. Look at the guys considered best-dressed: they don't wear anything particularly unique pattern/color-wise... instead, they get all the details and fit right.

    Face: make sure you're moisturized and get rid of the acne, etc... you're not 15 anymore. If your facial hair grows in patchy, keep it clean-cut. If not, you can probably get away with a little scruff, particularly when you get out of banking.

    Shoes: nothing box-toed. pay up for 2-3 pairs of nice shoes (1 pair each of black and brown, at minimum) and keep them clean and polished. I've found that girls pay a ton of attention to shoes... hopefully that's somewhat of an incentive to make you get your shit together.

    Working out/nutrition: don't eat like a slob... no girl wants to imagine herself under you while your flab flops all over the place. You don't need a 6pack. Also, avoid the emaciated look... girls don't want to be able to overpower you. If you're somewhere in the middle, you're fine. Also, guys, get off the fucking treadmill and lift weights. You're not doing yourself any favors burning those 400 calories 2-3 days a week on your 30 minute run (you reverse all that with a single night of drinking). Also, you burn muscle along with fat. Lift so that (1) your workouts matter... even if your lack of discipline causes you to overeat, at least you've been creating muscle and you're not backtracking on progress and (2) your resting metabolism will be higher

  • In reply to Spin Control
    Asatar's picture

    Dying's For Fools:
    Asatar:
    plucking some unsightly nasal and eyebrow hairs.

    Damn, how do you manage to pluck your nose hairs? I tried it once and decided I'd trim them instead. Any pro tips?

    Pair of tweezers works a treat. Grab hold and then you have a decision to make; do you go for the fast and clean pull or the slow extraction. Both hurt about the same amount and achieve the same effect. Personally I go for the slow extraction.

  • In reply to Ron Paul
    cphbravo96's picture

    Ron Paul:
    I fucking hate shaving with a passion and often cut myself but found the greatest blood stopper on the planet, works literally 2-3 seconds after you put it on, even on bad cuts, stings though - looks like a chalk stick, does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antihemorrhagic#Styptics

    Regards

    "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so."
    - Ronald Reagan

  • In reply to Asatar
    Anacott_CEO's picture

    Asatar:
    Dying's For Fools:
    Asatar:
    plucking some unsightly nasal and eyebrow hairs.

    Damn, how do you manage to pluck your nose hairs? I tried it once and decided I'd trim them instead. Any pro tips?

    Pair of tweezers works a treat. Grab hold and then you have a decision to make; do you go for the fast and clean pull or the slow extraction. Both hurt about the same amount and achieve the same effect. Personally I go for the slow extraction.

    Every time I pluck nose hairs my eyes water and I sneeze like a motherfucker. Shit is crazy.

  • In reply to AndyLouis
    Febreeze's picture

    AndyLouis:
    where do you draw the line between metro and well-groomed?

    probably when you start to wonder which side you're on

  • Human's picture

    Haircut - once a month by a Japanese stylist, http://www.hairmates-ny.com/newyork/location.html
    Eyebrow threading - twice a month
    Face - used to do facial once a month but cut it off, just used toner, moisturizer and sun screen. Face cleaner - http://www.aveeno.com/facialcare/ultra-calming-foa.... Shave - daily
    Body Wash - twice a day, cold shower in the morning, warm shower at night
    Gym - 5 days a week, at least 2 cardio sessions (Karate + MMA) on top of that
    Shoe - Cole Hann, no allen edmonds, no aldo
    Suit - Brook Brothers and Charles Tyrwhitt
    Work Shirts - Charles Tyrwhitt Slim Fit Only
    Casual Clothes - Zara and Club Monaco (when they are on sale)
    Fashion Advice - GQ and The Sartorialist (http://www.thesartorialist.com/category/men/)

    "I am the hero of the story. I don't need to be saved."

  • In reply to Febreeze
    historiclegend's picture

    Febreeze:
    AndyLouis:
    where do you draw the line between metro and well-groomed?

    probably when you start to wonder which side you're on

    Your personality decides if you're metro, not how good looking or well groomed you are.

  • In reply to historiclegend
    AndyLouis's picture

    historiclegend:
    Febreeze:
    AndyLouis:
    where do you draw the line between metro and well-groomed?

    probably when you start to wonder which side you're on

    Your personality decides if you're metro, not how good looking or well groomed you are.

    I disagree - i think there's a quantifiable point at which you can say a man is metro, for example someone who spends more time getting ready / primping than his significant other

  • In reply to AndyLouis
    Ron Paul's picture

    AndyLouis:

    I disagree - i think there's a quantifiable point at which you can say a man is metro

    so if i tivo 1 episode of E!'s "Fashion Police" per week but watch it 3x each week thats 1.5 hours of watching the same episode per week + 1 hour of taking notes on the episode + 3 hours doing follow-up research on new fashion/makeup trends = metro or gai? no homo
  • In reply to UFOinsider
    CDNdude's picture

    UFOinsider:
    Ron Paul:
    looks like a chalk stick, does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

    Glycerine
    Ron Paul:
    Also, I shove a cucumber in my pants on days I meet with HR chicks.

    Harold was in the South of France, and could not understand why Rich had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he had no luck.
    So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

    Rich replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

    So Harold stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.

    Harold went to see Rich again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"

    Rich looked at Harold and said "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

    hahaha +1

  • In reply to AndyLouis
    historiclegend's picture

    AndyLouis:
    historiclegend:
    Febreeze:
    AndyLouis:
    where do you draw the line between metro and well-groomed?

    probably when you start to wonder which side you're on

    Your personality decides if you're metro, not how good looking or well groomed you are.

    I disagree - i think there's a quantifiable point at which you can say a man is metro, for example someone who spends more time getting ready / primping than his significant other

    Yea I guess that would fall under that category then. Hard to imagine it taking any guy longer than 30 minutes to be as ready as they'll ever be.

    But I don't see anything wrong with doing your eyebrows, nose hairs, tanning, moisturizing. Anything that can enhance your already natural look is ok to me. Once you start changing it with eyeliner and eye shadow then yea, you're pushing it.

  • In reply to Human
    CDNdude's picture

    Human:
    Haircut - once a month by a Japanese stylist, http://www.hairmates-ny.com/newyork/location.html
    Eyebrow threading - twice a month
    Face - used to do facial once a month but cut it off, just used toner, moisturizer and sun screen. Face cleaner - http://www.aveeno.com/facialcare/ultra-calming-foa.... Shave - daily
    Body Wash - twice a day, cold shower in the morning, warm shower at night
    Gym - 5 days a week, at least 2 cardio sessions (Karate + MMA) on top of that
    Shoe - Cole Hann, no allen edmonds, no aldo
    Suit - Brook Brothers and Charles Tyrwhitt
    Work Shirts - Charles Tyrwhitt Slim Fit Only
    Casual Clothes - Zara and Club Monaco (when they are on sale)
    Fashion Advice - GQ and The Sartorialist (http://www.thesartorialist.com/category/men/)

    thanks! useful and concise!

  • SirTradesaLot's picture

    Head and Shoulders and Irish Spring.

    adapt or die:
    What would P.T. Barnum say about you?

    MY BLOG

  • In reply to historiclegend
    SirTradesaLot's picture

    historiclegend:
    Anything that can enhance your already natural look is ok to me. Once you start changing it with eyeliner and eye shadow then yea, you're pushing it.

    Make-up is not pushing it, it's 'it'.

    adapt or die:
    What would P.T. Barnum say about you?

    MY BLOG

  • In reply to SirTradesaLot
    historiclegend's picture

    SirPoopsaLot:
    historiclegend:
    Anything that can enhance your already natural look is ok to me. Once you start changing it with eyeliner and eye shadow then yea, you're pushing it.

    Make-up is not pushing it, it's 'it'.

    I'm not really too familiar with all the types of makeup but I'm sure there is a middle ground. What do you call that acne stuff that's tinted? Isn't that acceptable but still similar to makeup?

  • UFOinsider's picture

    Metro = more than 20 minutes to get ready in morning (including shower). I'm up at 7 and out the door at 7:20. Anything or anyone that slows me down is metro...and I know a few chicks that are faster and have no idea how they do it.

    Get busy living

  • MoneyKingdom's picture

    Only advice you need:

    Clothes: Go for FIT. For daily work clothes, go to Jos A. Bank, get some "traverlers" shirts that don't wrinkle, get them tailored. This is a cheap, but very effective way to have 15-20 daily shirts. For nice shirts/suits, go to a discount store where they sell high end shit, like Last Call, OFF5th, Nordstrom Rack, etc. Buy a nice suit/shirts, ALWAYS TAILOR.

    Shoes: Best shoes are Ferragamo. Buy one. Justify the cost by the # of hours per day you'll wear them. Only wear them when NY weather is nice. Don't ruin them in the snow/rain, etc. For other shoes, go with Kenneth Cole or Cole Haan. Both offer good value.

    Grooming: I like Kielh's products. Get a pre-shave oil. This eliminates all razor nicks (I have a thick beard). I get a facial once a month, along with a massage. This is a 200 dollar expense, but it's worth it. Or as my buddy puts it, "Only half a bottle of Goose, bro". Don't wear cologne in the office, but leave a bottle for when you are about to leave the office. Get some eye-cream as well, it does wonders to dark circles that you'll inevitably get.

  • mdk6c's picture

    Shit, Shower, and Shave. In that order.

    The moment when a friend of mine admits to eye-cream, tanning, eyebrow threading, or japanese stylists is the moment when we stop being friends.

  • In reply to BTbanker
    huanleshalemei's picture

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  • In reply to Human
    Senvik's picture

    "You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." - IlliniProgrammer

  • BlackHat's picture

    I hate victims who respect their executioners