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I've had some super eventful last couple of weeks, dead laptop, shattered phone screen ,admissions events, canceled travel plans, canceled admissions events, midterms, some anxiety, stupid friends, stupider professors, where did my paycheck go? Was I supposed to feed the fish?

All this, including the dead fish is one thing- and this one client of mine is another. For the sake of this post, I would like to call her: ClientWTF.

ClientWTF was introduced to the fund the day I started my job. The introduction went something like this:

Partner: WTF, this is Dis, the newest addition to our overwhelmed analyst collection. She loves cats.
ClientWTF: Oh really? I knew this is a great day, karma is in the works. I have 11 cats.

WTF actually has a very solid business plan, her numbers blew us all out of the water and her projections and trajectory show a huge promise in the near-medium future. Her entire idea revolves around cats and their lovers, and it would be foolish to underestimate the power of the kitty after she had presented us with sound market research which was backed up with our own research.

I was assigned the project and have since became an expert on all things cat. I know about their food, their health, their poop and their breeds. Cute cats, ugly cats, stray cats, pregnant cats, gay cats, and transgender cats. I know it all. I can now speak intelligently about the psyche of cat lovers, cat haters, cat neutrals and the other type of cat "lovers" . Ask me a question, go ahead, I dare you. I know the answer to cats. Almost 145 hours of my employed time were dedicated to cats.

I've given my final presentation on the project this MMM (Monday Morning Meeting) to my team and the other senior personnel who made it uptown only to hear about cats. Between chuckles, dirty jokes, and looks of admiration mixed with genuine concern; I have managed to give my recommendation. Hell Mother Effin NO, and the team seemed to agree with me.

The next step was the hardest for me. I hate to be the bad news bearer. It felt like I was about to breakup with a bad boyfriend. The kind of boyfriend who sends you a forward email every day, who texts you at 9:30 am on a Sunday, the delusional boyfriend.

After a few email exchanges, I met with ClientWTF today at 8:00 for breakfast and I delivered our rejection decision, gave her some feedback as on how we arrived to that synonymous No and waited for her to form her thoughts and say something.
I sipped my $ 13.29 coffee as she let out a sigh and said: I understand, Mercury is in retrograde. I should've waited until at least Saturn is out of Scorpio.

I gathered my tail, thanked god for my IQ, and looked up the planetarium references she uttered. MIND=BLOWN.

At times when I was curled up in fetal position in the corner of my dark, cold room at night; I would think to my self that this was a prank, that my cruel team was hazing me and that tomorrow they will ask me to stop digging in cats, but unfortunately, reality was stronger than my thoughts.

N.B.: I have never liked cats.

4

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Comments (30)

  • BetForValue's picture

    So what can you tell us about cats?

  • WallStreetOasis.com's picture

    SB +1 ...make me laugh. and reminded me why I prefer dogs....and monkeys.

  • In The Flesh's picture

    Watch, the next client will be obsessed with monkeys!

    Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

  • amufb1's picture

    Disincentivy:

    I sipped my $ 13.29 coffee as she let out a sigh and said: I understand, Mercury is in retrograde. I should've waited until at least Saturn is out of Scorpio.

    I gathered my tail, thanked god for my IQ, and looked up the planetarium references she uttered. MIND=BLOWN.

    Should of replied with this:

    Saturn comes back around To show you everything Lets you choose what you will Will not see and then Drags you down like a stone Or lifts you up again Spits you out like a child Light and innocent

    "Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

  • Dimethyltryptamine's picture
  • In reply to guerrillagrrl
    Disincentivy's picture

    guerrillagrrl:
    Can you recommend a cat food that is nutritious but works on a budget?

    What kind of cat? How old? Any pre-existing medical conditions?

    Oh...Oh... I see what you did there

    I may not be on the Jedi Council, but I sure am great with the Force.

    See my WSO blog posts

  • mehp's picture

    In your opinion, what is the most prestigious brand of kitty litter?

  • Nouveau Richie's picture

    Damn. And here I was expecting an expose on the dynamics of gender politics and sexual favors in the workplace...

  • captainkoolaid's picture

    i like pussys

    Disclaimer for the Kids: Any forward-looking statements are solely for informational purposes and cannot be taken as investment advice. Consult your moms before deciding where to invest.

  • In reply to Nouveau Richie
    Going Concern's picture

    Nouveau Richie:
    Damn. And here I was expecting an expose on the dynamics of gender politics and sexual favors in the workplace...

    Maybe that's what it was, you have to read between the lines...

    “The new day brings new hope. The lives we’ve led, the lives we’ve yet to lead. A new day. New ideas. A new you.”

  • In reply to Going Concern
    Whiskey5's picture

    Going Concern:
    Nouveau Richie:
    Damn. And here I was expecting an expose on the dynamics of gender politics and sexual favors in the workplace...

    Maybe that's what it was, you have to read between the lines...

    Maybe that's what it was, you have to read between the legs...

  • In reply to Whiskey5
    Going Concern's picture

    Whiskey5:
    Going Concern:
    Nouveau Richie:
    Damn. And here I was expecting an expose on the dynamics of gender politics and sexual favors in the workplace...

    Maybe that's what it was, you have to read between the lines...

    Maybe that's what it was, you have to read between the legs...

    hahahaha

    “The new day brings new hope. The lives we’ve led, the lives we’ve yet to lead. A new day. New ideas. A new you.”

  • TheKing's picture

    Was never a cat person till my girlfriend got a cat, and I honestly love it. Sometimes I think I should give up any other professional dreams and build a cat toy empire.

  • In reply to TheKing
    Disincentivy's picture

    TheKing:
    Was never a cat person till my girlfriend got a cat, and I honestly love it. Sometimes I think I should give up any other professional dreams and build a cat toy empire.

    I will put you in touch with WTF.

    I may not be on the Jedi Council, but I sure am great with the Force.

    See my WSO blog posts

  • fearless's picture

    Why are the cats so catty at night? I prefer dogs, you can pet them forever and ever.

  • VanillaGorilla's picture

    Disincentivy:
    I've had some super eventful last couple of weeks, dead laptop, shattered phone screen ,admissions events, canceled travel plans, canceled admissions events, midterms, some anxiety, stupid friends, stupider professors, where did my paycheck go? Was I supposed to feed the fish?

    All this, including the dead fish is one thing- and this one client of mine is another. For the sake of this post, I would like to call her: ClientWTF.

    ClientWTF was introduced to the fund the day I started my job. The introduction went something like this:

    Partner: WTF, this is Dis, the newest addition to our overwhelmed analyst collection. She loves cats.
    ClientWTF: Oh really? I knew this is a great day, karma is in the works. I have 11 cats.

    WTF actually has a very solid business plan, her numbers blew us all out of the water and her projections and trajectory show a huge promise in the near-medium future. Her entire idea revolves around cats and their lovers, and it would be foolish to underestimate the power of the kitty after she had presented us with sound market research which was backed up with our own research.

    I was assigned the project and have since became an expert on all things cat. I know about their food, their health, their poop and their breeds. Cute cats, ugly cats, stray cats, pregnant cats, gay cats, and transgender cats. I know it all. I can now speak intelligently about the psyche of cat lovers, cat haters, cat neutrals and the other type of cat "lovers" . Ask me a question, go ahead, I dare you. I know the answer to cats. Almost 145 hours of my employed time were dedicated to cats.

    I've given my final presentation on the project this MMM (Monday Morning Meeting) to my team and the other senior personnel who made it uptown only to hear about cats. Between chuckles, dirty jokes, and looks of admiration mixed with genuine concern; I have managed to give my recommendation. Hell Mother Effin NO, and the team seemed to agree with me.

    The next step was the hardest for me. I hate to be the bad news bearer. It felt like I was about to breakup with a bad boyfriend. The kind of boyfriend who sends you a forward email every day, who texts you at 9:30 am on a Sunday, the delusional boyfriend.

    After a few email exchanges, I met with ClientWTF today at 8:00 for breakfast and I delivered our rejection decision, gave her some feedback as on how we arrived to that synonymous No and waited for her to form her thoughts and say something.
    I sipped my $ 13.29 coffee as she let out a sigh and said: I understand, Mercury is in retrograde. I should've waited until at least Saturn is out of Scorpio.

    I gathered my tail, thanked god for my IQ, and looked up the planetarium references she uttered. MIND=BLOWN.

    At times when I was curled up in fetal position in the corner of my dark, cold room at night; I would think to my self that this was a prank, that my cruel team was hazing me and that tomorrow they will ask me to stop digging in cats, but unfortunately, reality was stronger than my thoughts.

    N.B.: I have never liked cats.

    Laughed my ass off. Think I will share this with a friend I fear is close to becoming a cat hoarder.

    If her plan/projections were solid and backed up by your own research, and aside from being a crazy cat person, why the rejection?

  • ST Monkey's picture

    I thought you were gonna tell a story about how you use your "kitty" to manipulate your way up the ladder. Guess my mind is too deep in the gutter. Funny story tho.

  • roofstreet's picture

    cool story bro

    "...the art of good business, is being a good middle man, putting people togeather. It's all about honor and respect."

  • SirTradesaLot's picture

    +1

    I was expecting something vulgar, but left satisfied anyway.

    adapt or die:
    What would P.T. Barnum say about you?

    MY BLOG

  • karypto's picture

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  • In reply to karypto
    qwerty2012's picture
  • In reply to karypto
    design's picture
  • duffmt6's picture

    "For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen."

  • Tha Game's picture

    You're walking around blind without a cane, pal. A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.

    Gordon Gekko