I've had some super eventful last couple of weeks, dead laptop, shattered phone screen ,admissions events, canceled travel plans, canceled admissions events, midterms, some anxiety, stupid friends, stupider professors, where did my paycheck go? Was I supposed to feed the fish?
All this, including the dead fish is one thing- and this one client of mine is another. For the sake of this post, I would like to call her: ClientWTF.
ClientWTF was introduced to the fund the day I started my job. The introduction went something like this:
Partner: WTF, this is Dis, the newest addition to our overwhelmed analyst collection. She loves cats.
ClientWTF: Oh really? I knew this is a great day, karma is in the works. I have 11 cats.
WTF actually has a very solid business plan, her numbers blew us all out of the water and her projections and trajectory show a huge promise in the near-medium future. Her entire idea revolves around cats and their lovers, and it would be foolish to underestimate the power of the kitty after she had presented us with sound market research which was backed up with our own research.
I was assigned the project and have since became an expert on all things cat. I know about their food, their health, their poop and their breeds. Cute cats, ugly cats, stray cats, pregnant cats, gay cats, and transgender cats. I know it all. I can now speak intelligently about the psyche of cat lovers, cat haters, cat neutrals and the other type of cat "lovers" . Ask me a question, go ahead, I dare you. I know the answer to cats. Almost 145 hours of my employed time were dedicated to cats.
I've given my final presentation on the project this MMM (Monday Morning Meeting) to my team and the other senior personnel who made it uptown only to hear about cats. Between chuckles, dirty jokes, and looks of admiration mixed with genuine concern; I have managed to give my recommendation. Hell Mother Effin NO, and the team seemed to agree with me.
The next step was the hardest for me. I hate to be the bad news bearer. It felt like I was about to breakup with a bad boyfriend. The kind of boyfriend who sends you a forward email every day, who texts you at 9:30 am on a Sunday, the delusional boyfriend.
After a few email exchanges, I met with ClientWTF today at 8:00 for breakfast and I delivered our rejection decision, gave her some feedback as on how we arrived to that synonymous No and waited for her to form her thoughts and say something.
I sipped my $ 13.29 coffee as she let out a sigh and said: I understand, Mercury is in retrograde. I should've waited until at least Saturn is out of Scorpio.
I gathered my tail, thanked god for my IQ, and looked up the planetarium references she uttered. MIND=BLOWN.
At times when I was curled up in fetal position in the corner of my dark, cold room at night; I would think to my self that this was a prank, that my cruel team was hazing me and that tomorrow they will ask me to stop digging in cats, but unfortunately, reality was stronger than my thoughts.
N.B.: I have never liked cats.