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Mod Note: Best of Eddie - click here to see the 2013 version.


The Street Before Christmas 2012



by Eddie Braverman

'Twas the Street Before Christmas Two Thousand and Twelve
And everyone on Wall Street was hustling like elves
We've got a Mayan apocalypse we have to deal with
And if that doesn't pan out there's a big fiscal cliff!

It's been a strange year, these twelve months gone past
A year marked by scandals and fortunes amassed
Let's take a random walk down Memory Lane
Recounting the moments, both losses and gains.

We'll start with the big stuff; the moments of pith
Like the New York Times Op-Ed by Goldman's Greg Smith
He resigned citing greed running through the whole clan
I guess he stayed there twelve years for the great dental plan.

And speaking of Goldman, I'll bet Lloyd was hangdog
At the retirement party for Lucas van Praag
The Vampire Squid will never be the same
Without LvP's gift for shifting the blame.

Morgan Stanley proved that we have much to learn
About IPO pricing and money to burn
If you want Morgan Stanley to give you the goodies
You better start with Asperger's and a wardrobe of hoodies

What about Citi? That smelly dumpster fire.
They got beat on Smith Barney and forced Vik to retire
It's a mystery to me how those guys avoid jail
We should just break them up; you can ask Sandy Weill

Who should we hit next? Whose epic fail?
How 'bout Jamie Dimon and his big London Whale!
Iksil bought SWAPs with reckless abandon
When he was done JP Morgan was barely left standin'.

And while we're discussing losses a-mounting
Who the hell was doing MF Global's accounting?
"Where's all our money?" the customers whined
Congratulations, you fools, you all got Corzined!

If that's not enough, they cleared PFG Best,
Now Russ Wasendorf, Sr. is under arrest
At least he tried to do something for the clients he crossed
Hey Russ, does this garden hose smell like exhaust?

Knight Capital got killed when their algo ran wild
I guess the coder was drunk when that one compiled
Now Getco owns 'em; they were bought for a song
Two HFTs merging, what could possibly go wrong?

HSBC was fined ten cents a share
For a crime that would probably earn most of us the chair
It's this kind of bullshit that made Dylan sing:
"Steal a little, they jail you; steal a lot and you're King."

We can't finish this year without mentioning the election
A cause for much GOP introspection
The big lesson here with millions being spent:
Don't get caught on tape belittling 48 percent.

That's it for this year, from Borneo to Berlin
Have a happy and safe holiday with your kith and kin
Here's hoping Santa stuffs your stocking with bucks
As he flies past your house yelling, "Dodd-Frank SUCKS!!!"
16

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Comments (21)

  • RichardPennybags's picture

    haha, great)) sb:)

    "Every man should lose a battle in his youth, so he does not lose a war when he is old"

  • LetsGoSailing's picture

    As always, another great Christmas poem, Eddie. Merry Christmas to you, Mrs Braverman, and the Bravettes...

    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

  • duffmt6's picture

    Another classic. Good work Eddie.

    "For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen."

  • eignenvector's picture

    Nice!

    "When you expect things to happen - strangely enough - they do happen."
    - JP Morgan

  • barbariansatthegates's picture

    Nice poem Eddie. +1

    PE is the new black.

  • Working9-5's picture

    Good one

    CNBC sucks

    "This financial crisis is worse than a divorce. I've lost all my money, but the wife is still here." - Client after getting blown up

  • Bobb's picture
  • stoudemire1's picture

    no mention about Hurricane Sandy? Barclays?

    The Knicks are back?

  • atomic's picture

    This was the best end-of-year summary I've read, on any site, period.

    The verse on HSBC was just genius.

  • BTbanker's picture
  • twinb's picture

    Awesome post. My last SB, but we'll earned.

  • In The Flesh's picture

    ***Standing ovation***

    Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

  • c_z's picture

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  • er's picture