A horrible surprise after Bring Your Kid To Work Day

Back from a late summer hiatus, monkeys. I like to take some for myself during this season and get out to the Catskills to detox my liver and clear my mind.

Just kidding. I was catching major shit sandwiches from my boss about taking vacation this summer so I basically spent every night in the office for a week and only went outside to fill my Addy script, plus on Wednesday night I spent two hours wandering around Times Square in a fugue state asking people for cigarettes until a cop told me to go home and change my shirt.

But let's bring it back around to present day. I posted two weeks ago about bringing a kid to NYC to see how life is done right. Today I'm going to talk about literal children, at my workplace, clogging toilets and unplugging important shit while I'm trying to work.

Back in my childhood, the event was called "bring your daughter to work day." I think this thing probably started because of feminism, but I can't be bothered to look that up. All I know is I was not allowed to participate. Thank god for that. I was a little hellion and if my dad had brought me to work at his firm I would have ended up sitting barecheeked on the Xerox machine or drilling holes in a women's bathroom stall.

But at some point, boys were allowed to participate as well, and this was a fatal mistake. If you take a bunch of prepubescent, overprivileged boys and let them loose in a giant financial institution, there is literally no end to the damage they can do. Hell, a group of them could probably manage to tank the world markets if the wrong person let them "play banker."

So what started out as some sort of misguided experiment in workplace equality has turned into "bring your kid - fuck it, ANY kid - into your office and let him ruin the day for everyone."

But Bring Someone's Asshole Kid to Work Day is in April!! Why am I so mad???? Did I just guzzle preworkout and Shake for ten minutes while reading Trent Reznor's wiki page???!! Yeah. So what?

It may have been April that some delinquent in a blazer and shorts was last crawling around on my office floor (unless you count me, of course), but I just this past week found a little gift that was left behind. I was reaching into the forbidden dust-covered recesses of the labyrinthine shitstorm that is my desktop computer setup to see if I had a spare USB port that I could charge my new Apple Watch that my gym pal practically forced me to get so we could compare calories and reps (no homo, I'm pretty sure).

It was taped (!) to the pathetic piece of Velcro that does nothing except join some of the cords at one point. A green army man covered in shit. There's really no other way to say that. It was a classic green army man toy, and it was covered in crusty dry shit that I touched with my bare fingers. I wasn't thinking, so I went ahead and gave my fingers the smell test to confirm.

Next time you think about participating in this meaningless farce of a childhood rite of passage with your kid, give them some advice. Tell them dirty tricks have a time and a place: revenge against an ex, for example, or professional sabotage when they become a summer associate.

But whatever you do, you better make sure you tell them straight to their face, with an icy stare of death, that what happens on Bring Your Kid to Work Day, stays on BYKTWD, and shall NOT be discovered four months later under any circumstances.

 
Best Response

That is disgusting and the take your daughter to work day that used to be held in the old WTC was legit. I went every year and it was quite an event. They had sports stars, movies (for some reason one year they showed 'Selena'- I guess the lesson to be learned from that was, no matter how high you rise, some other lady is going to hate you for it and take you out), food, and goodie bags. Seeing the pneumatic tubes was kind of fun (where they would handwrite orders and send them to the traders), but every year they would get some high ranking MD to come in and speak very unexcitedly about his job. Usually about his work load or about how this new fangled email was making them work longer hours or something like that.

********"Babies don't cost money, they MAKE money." - Jerri Blank********
 

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