A summer experience at Goldman Sachs

Thought you guys might appreciate this. I found it on a torn-out journal page at Ulysses when I was over there seeing a friend a couple days ago. I wonder if anyone knows someone who might have written it?

June 5, 2006: My first day at Goldman Sachs! I trembled as I stepped through the holy doors into the temple of global finance. The lobby was cool and hushed and everything was made of marble and gold, just like I always knew it would be. I walked through the lobby with my head held high. It was the proudest moment of my life so far. When I got into the elevator I pushed every button, knowing that somehow, at some time, the legendary banking masters I read about had pushed some of those very same buttons. The other people on the elevator looked at me, seemingly with great approval for my ardent, respectful behavior. Amazing! I was already making a good impression on the bankers of Goldman Sachs! As the elevator rose through the clouds into the great historic tower, I secretly slipped my button-pushing fingers into my mouth. Yes! I could taste the culture of success!

June 12, 2006: The great challenges have begun. They are trying to frustrate us but I know it is only a test, a very subtle test to determine which of us are Goldman Sachs material. Some of us are told to go to one floor for training, and some of us to a different incorrect floor, where we are yelled at for being off-schedule. Others of us are yelled at for being late even though we were early based on the schedule. Then we are given assignments that are unfinishable because the supplied template is for an entirely different model. When we do not finish them, we are yelled at and told we may not be given jobs. Some analysts are grumbling, but not me! I bow my head, understanding the wisdom of such unusual Goldman Sachs methodology. I am trying to find a way to show the program coordinator that I see through to the truth of what she is trying to do, but I am uncertain whether or not to risk it. What would a Goldman Sachs banker do? I will remain silent. I can only hope that my humility will shine like a beacon amidst these cretins, these weaklings unsuited for employment at Goldman Sachs.

July 25, 2006: The trials are growing unbearable. My great dream of working for Goldman Sachs in London is slipping through my fingers. I had resolved to apply for consideration there as a part of the mobility process they are discussing. I had even asked twelve times (promptly every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, of course) when we would be given the forms, and when the deadline was. Finally they told me, "Don't worry. We will let you know. We know you want to apply for mobility. Please stop bothering us." Now I am told that I cannot apply because the deadline has passed! They did not tell me, and now they will not consider my application! Perhaps this is yet another test to determine if I am good enough? Or could they really have chosen to do this to me? Is it... is it because I have been judged insufficient?

No. No, that is impossible. Who among the analysts has proven himself to be more flawless, more respectful, more humble? Goldman Sachs is the best, and it wants only the best, which I am. Could I have failed to measure up in some critical way? Perhaps when the senior analyst asked me for six months of research I should have given him five years instead of three? Perhaps when they tell me to go home at 3 AM I should refuse and stay resolutely in my desk to prove my undying commitment? Should I include bagels and doughnuts along with the venti caramel lattes I bring to each banker's desk every morning? But then... hmm. Plain or poppyseed? Chocolate-filled or regular? Maybe I should include an assortment for each banker just to cover all the bases? Maybe in a little basket, with those raffia bows I saw at Kate's Paperie last week...?

Stay on topic, stupid boy! A Goldman Sachs banker never lets his mind wander!

No, I know that Goldman Sachs is wise. Goldman Sachs knows what they are doing. Surely they are reserving me for a far more critical role somewhere... yes. Clearly there is an organization here I do not see, a great plan I cannot comprehend. I must keep the faith. I believe. I believe in Goldman Sachs. I believe.