Advice to everyone working in MO

Monkeys,

I'm working under an alias today to preserve my most identity. Here's a little background on me - I work MO risk at a major bank (BAC/C/MS), have been working there for a over couple years and actually enjoy my job. Just recently go an offer for credit trading on the buy side so that should be fun.
As I finish up my career on the sell-side, I wanted to give out a little advice for all you incoming analysts/interns. Part of the motivation behind this post is we just brought on a new hire, he goes to a non-target school in the area and thinks he’s the s*&t. He violates every one of the following rules…
1) You are a NEW hire – don’t walk around like you own the place. You have to earn the right to complain out hours/work/team members. I don’t care if we bring you on as a analyst, AVP, or VP, you are still a new hire. Low man on the shit –pole.
2) Clothing:
a. Buy a suit that fits. I’m tired of people in the MO not giving a shit because they are in the MO – buy a suit that fits properly and have it tailored.
i. Colors: Charcoal/Navy
b. This goes with the point from above. Buy shirts that fit.
i. Brand: CT/BB anything that fits, it’s been well discussed on this site.
ii. Color: Again stick with the conservative colors: White/LIGHT blue/stripes/maybe checkers. NO black, dark blue, purple, or red.
iii. Collar: Depends on the neck type but I personally prefer the English spread collars from CT.
c. If you are going to buy a nice shirt/suit please buy a good tie.
i. Color: Stick to your blues/reds/pinks(maybe) please avoid gold ties, dark purple/blue, black ties.
ii. They are supposed to go with the shirt/suit. NOT match..
d. Shoes:
i. Allen Edmonds, black – park ave.
e. Watches:
i. You haven’t earned the right to wear a 5k watch. Find one for 1k and not to flashy. Please avoid Michael Kors, Guess, Kohls.
ii. Just get a silver watch with either a leather strap or silver/steel band. DON’T WEAR ALL GOLD WATCHES. I’ve seen it numerous times from new hires(especially this new guy) and it pisses me off to no end.
3) Fitness:
a. If you are fat, hit the gym(especially if you are short and fat).
i. We get it the hours are long and it’s tempting to get very fat. But please hit the gym. I’m tired of seeing your fat ass every time I need something from you.
4) Etiquette:
a. Take an etiquette class… learn how to eat in front of people.
i. This is probably the most annoying thing in my list. Learn how to eat.
1. Napkins
2. Forks
3. Not eating with your mouth open
4. Don’t talk with food in your mouth
ii. Be polite and stop being a cocky fuck. Don’t keep trying to one up me or the MD it pisses us off
5) Excel:
a. Stop using your mouse so much
b. Learn basic formatting rules
c. Leave notes for me to follow

That’s all I feel like typing right now. It’s been a long week but I’m hoping this helps out all you newbies and in particular I hope the kid this is meant for sees it.