Are people too picky nowadays in choosing someone to settle down with?

I expect a lot. But, since I know there are girls out there that expect the same, I'm sure it will not be an issue when I'm ready to settle down.

Depends on what you are looking for. If its relatively general such as nice guy, stable career, nice bunch of friends, etc, shouldn't be too hard.

If you are looking for all that plus ppl from similar culture/religion, etc, it can become tricky, and you have to be v proactive and v patient.

"When people try hard to grow professionally and personally, they expect a lot of themselves and of their future mates.

But are we being too picky at our own detriment?

Is the "I can do better" mentality affecting our search for "the one"?

Sometimes I feel like I am too picky.
"

Yup. In NYC in particular there are so many people and so many choices. It engenders a "trading up mentality". It's much more to a woman's disadvantage than to a man's. Especially given that men can essentially have all the benefits of marriage without taking on any of the responsibilities leaves a lot of girls who want to get married very frustrated. For this reason I really think the feminism women has been more "emancipating" for men than for women. just my two cents.

I'd advise you to isolate the few things that are really important to you and be flexible about the rest.

honestly, not being extremely selective with a decision of this magnitutde would be foolish

x13, it's not nearly that easy for girls...at my age lots of chicks are entering "the panic years", and worried about being able to get married and/or have kids.

I suppose I'm coming from strictly a men's perspective. Funny because my girlfriend offhandedly commented on how men just kept getting better looking with age, like fine wine. You could be 60 years old and still be "sexy" compounded with improved social perception (experience/maturity/wisdom) as well as advances in career/financial situation.

With that said, I still think you should be fairly picky. If anything, this means women need to work faster, lock down your man early and don't sign a prenup while men...can take their time...

Seems rather sexist but I suppose equality is still but a pipe dream across the board isn't it

And I can't wait for the 2nd season for Californication

Barbara Einrenreich was making in her book about marriage and men. She said the same thing you did. Have you read it?

"Barbara Einrenreich was making in her book about marriage and men. She said the same thing you did. Have you read it?"

No I haven't, which part did see agree on?

I'm trying hard not to have a set of criteria. There's no checklist for me from now on - but she has to meet a certain threshold of intelligence and physical attractiveness. Other than that, I'll just spend time with her and see where it goes.

Sure does not help, when one of the main way to meet people these days. Is using an online website, where you have to answer 1000s upon 1000s questions, write a profile, send im's back and forth. Before finally meeting the person. Ofcourse you are going to reject 90% of the people too, since these sites have about 10,000 upon or so "matches".

somewhat tangential but a close friend of mine actual tried out one of the more popular sights and went on a couple dates and its much less gimmicky than I imagined. then again, if an online dating membership is your main medium for mate matching, you've already failed so there will inherently be a higher rejection rate but not necessarily more "picky-ness"

Funny how many girls start to freak out in their mid to late 20s - the tide suddenly turns and men have the upper hand. A lot of girls I know who are looking to bag outgoing guys have been using J-Date - including a good number of shiksas.

I think starting to develop a criteria is vital. Towards the end of college, I decided that I absolutely did not want to date somebody in finance or law - I'm too competitive (I blame a finance project I worked on with my then-girlfriend for ending the relationship). My first relationship out of school helped me rule out dating girls who grew up in 1-child households (I'm from a huge family - not used to people demanding so much attention). My last relationship turned me off - but not completely - to youngest children, for a lot of the same reasons. I have other less-objective criteria (personality fit, etc), but those are the make-or-breaks

I'm not picky, but . . . 34D-23-35 - No compromise.

(For those who don't know: http://www.google.com/search?q=marisa+miller+measurements)

I've never been a Marisa Miller fan - something about her having been in Perfect 10 turns me off

the world needs more people like you so people like me can prosper

I may be a complete dbag, but I thought the "I can do better" actually helps our "search for the one." I mean in every relationship you have, every date you go on, every girl / guy you take home, you take away what you like and don't like about that person. And after so many relationships and dates, you really figure what you want in somebody else. You figure out what positive attributes you really need in someone else (ex. blonde, above 120 IQ, likes dogs, whatever), what negative attributes are dealbreakers for you (ex. smoking, hates outdoors), and what negative attributes you can live with (ex. she snores, she likes the rolling stones and I like the beatles).

Am I technically using girls, knowing that it may not work out, for my own selfish reasons to find out what I would like/dislike in "the one"... probably.

(insert obligatory Wall Street quote from Gekko to Darian on love)

I don't know if being picky is the entire problem. I think the variety of people you meet substantially decreases as you grow professionally.

In college this problem doesn't exist because there is a greater variety of people you meet and it's easier to find people that you click with. Just think of all those psych and poli sci classes populated by semi-intelligent datable women who will take their careers into directions where they will never interact with bankers. You have to meet them in college or else your shot with them dimishes because of decreased exposure.

Meeting them in college, means starting a job in a relationship. It's true that it's tough to be in a relationship while banking. Honestly, i have only just started working and it's already taking a toll on my relationship, but my girlfriend, who I met in college, is probably the type of person I wouldn't be likely to meet ever again because of the direction she is taking with her career, so I'm willing to tough it out and see how it goes. Also, her group of friends, who are pretty awesome people, have nothing to do with banking and I would not know them if I didn't know her either(and there are definitely some datable girls in that bunch of arts majors).

Anyway, my point is that you only feel picky later on becacuse you are meeting less people who are different from what you know you don't want.

Men now have the benefits of sex without having to commit to marriage.

And how the image of the Playboy lifestyle shaped the desires of men and what they want, etc. I read it a long time ago, so don't remember all the details, but basically she said women are having to deal with this now despite our newfound liberation, blah blah blah.

Wow, you would ask her about her IQ scores and she has to be blonde? I thought I was picky!

OT but are IQ scores really that accurate in measuring intelligence? I have heard some controversy about it, but people still seem to refer to it.

My friend David told me that all guys want a girl with a good personality, however he stated, "a good personality consists of a chick with a little hard body, who will satisfy all sexual demands without being too slutty about things, and who essentially will keep her dumb fucking mouth shut."

Personally, I thought he was out of line.

Sounds too self-serving.

i love how everyone in this thread is totally awesome, fucks girls all the time, is a "total package", has so many options etc. etc.

and yet, here we are on an internet message board talking about banking.

not saying you guys are lying, just kinda funny. everyone is awesome on the internet. haha

I am God's gift to woman, they just haven't figured it out yet...

Honestly, I don't think the problem is that we're too picky. I think the main problem people have is that they themselves do not know what they want. You see people cycle through relationships, 1 every couple months, yet they always end up with the same "type" of guy/girl. Note: I am not referring to the "Nice guy always wondering why the hot chick dates assholes syndrome." What I mean is that people are terrible at assessing their own qualities and what they look for in others -- or at least what would be compatible. It is really easy to say: "I'll only date blonde european supermodels from uber rich families," but believe it or not, this is not the person you are looking for in the long run.

Chill, not supposed to be taken literally, that's why I put the "ex." down. Pretty much myself, and lot of other guys, are looking for a girl with a good head on her shoulders. Do I need a 1600 or a 1200, no, but I need a girl who can keep up with me in conversation.

Real talk.

These fools are acting like they dominate the scene when we all know that they're at home jerking it to Damodoran or some equally gay shit.

"oh baby, that valuation is so hot! Oh shit depreciate the assets, OMG INTEREST EXPENSE CIRCULARITY!!!!!!! IM CUMMMINNNNGGGGG!"-Average User in this thread talking like they're hot shit

You're such a funny jerk.

This reminds me of my decision making class in college where the professor told us how bad humans are at making decisions.

Also relates to Daniel Kahnemann's research on humans' poor decision-making skills.

Damn, I hope that's not me.

I recommend everyone here read the book "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert. The book talks about how we frequently make decisions that we think will make us happy but in reality it won't. We're constantly looking for happiness in the future rather than being happy with what we have now.

Example: Children. In the book, Gilbert talks about how people have children because they think it will bring them happiness. In reality, most people have -less- happiness as a result of their children, but they don't realize it. Wish i could give more details, but it has been a couple years since I've read it.

Agree or disagree, you can get this book on amazon and read it in 5-6 hours.

Seems like an interesting read. Thanks.

However, I personally cannot imagine myself without at least one kid. I have several nephews since my siblings are a lot older than me, and I get to see how hard parenting is, but I think it is totally worth it.

Certainly, the more successful I become, the higher my standards become. I guess it's human nature, the better you are the better of things you want.

That reminds me of the quote "True happiness comes not from what you can get, but satisfaction with what you have."

I have heard this repeated in many forms over the years, but I still struggle with it.

Doesn't that basically mean stop trying, revel in mediocrity and you'll be happy? That is the way it comes across to me anyways.

It's opportunity cost.

kinds of books that seriously. Books like these are just compilations of one person's ideas about stuff. In this case, it is one man's notion of happiness.

He may have some valid points, but that doesn't mean that his whole book is "right" or that you should try to live by it.

It is true that we tend to overestimate our emotional reaction to certain things. But does that mean that we should stop seeing things in an important light, because we'll "just adapt to it" anyway, good or bad? I don't think so. To do so would be to trivialize our lives.

I think this book's point helps you gain a better perspective if you are the type that gets anxious about small things that won't make much of a difference in the long run.

But does it mean that when I find "the one", I shouldn't or won't get too excited because I'll just revert to my "baseline" level of happiness? Hell no. I'd still be a happy little shit.

Woman,

I don't think the point is that we should all just give up and stop trying. I think the point is we should think critically before we make life-changing decisions as to whether or not this is what will truly bring us the most happiness. You should still be excited about finding "the one" because this is an occurence that will enhance your happiness. I'm not saying that people can't be happier than others or that we'll just adapt so it doesn't matter, I'm saying people fail to understand what things truly make them happy and therefore they make poor choices in life.

I'll take a situation most people here can relate to:

A lot of people enter into the investment banking field thinking that is what they want. They see the glamour, large paychecks, and recognize the time commitment. However, very few sit back and think about what it will REALLY be like to live this life. To wake up every day, go straight to work exhausted, work all day, and go to bed. This is probably not the best example, but people are prone to blinding themselves into only seeing the upside of choices and minimalizing the downside. As a result, so many people make decisions that they believe will make them happy when in reality it is isn't what they are looking for.

I didn't read the book yet, so I may have misinterpreted its message through the little that I have seen of it.

You bring up a very valuable point that most people miss. It's a point that is at the heart of the research on people's decision-making skills.

I saw some NYTimes articles relating to this as well. So if any of you out there want the short and simple version of it, you should search Daniel Kahnemann in the NYTimes archives. I think the articles that come up refer to Kahnemann, but are actually about newer research on this topic.

Picky?!? C'mon.

Of relationships I've had that had a potential to evolve into marriage and did not, I have not one regret. Looking back at what these gentlemen and their lives turned into... heck no regret. Haven't missed out on "the one".

Generally, I don't think the issue is as simple as that when a woman gets older that the pickings are slim. I think as a woman gets older she matures in both confidence and independence and the NEED to get married for the sake of getting married evaporates. Ofcourse the opportunity cost for a woman is much greater than for a man! Therefore, most single women in their 30s/40s come to realize that it's far better to remain single vs. tied down in a futile marriage, doing all the work, carrying all of the responsibilities of marriage.

Today a woman in her 30s/40s realizes that the supposed "biological clock" is bogus. A woman does not need to get married to have children. A woman with financial means and a strong desire to have children can chose to become a single mom - either by "accident", using fertility or by adoption. What options does a man have?

A single man in his 30s/40s will likely decide to get married more for the anxiety of being alone... and we all know... men cannot be alone! So whatever random chick is there at that precise time when a man makes up his mind to get married is the "The One".

On the otherhand, a single woman in her 30s/40s who decides to get married will likely do so solely because she is confident she found a man who makes her life better in all respects - emotionally, financially, spiritually etc. etc. She will not settle for anything less than a total package which makes sense.

A man will see only two choices, i.e. marry or be alone. Ergo, a man must marry. Tic toc. Tic toc.

aadpepsi, I think you may have done a great job of describing a certain type of man, but I strongly believe the majority of men do not fall into that category. You may be correct regarding women in their 30s/40s, but that is only because the insecure women who are desperate to marry the first thing that will propose to them have all been married off before hitting age 30!

this one article from The Atlantic called "Marry Him!". It's from a woman who just stated the opposite of what you have said.

I think you'll have plenty to say after reading her article. LOL.

aadpepsi, I think you have it reversed ;). How many women are even in associate level positions? Obviously your view is not representative of the average woman. You might be on the upper echelon of women if you're intelligent, financially well-off, and attractive (you probably meet the first two characteristics, obviously I don't know how you look like.)

When you're at the top, yes, you can afford to be picky. But the majority of women are not in your position, not even close. I'm sure most people would agree that women usually desire marriage more than men. But again, most women are not in your position and usually have to settle for what they can get.

From my perspective, I would say the women that can afford to be the pickiest would be the most attractive ones, and then the financially stable ones, and then lastly the intelligent ones. The degree to which you can be picky and not wind up alone depends on how much of those three traits you possess.

The traits are a bit different for men, but same thing applies. How picky you can be depends on what you can offer and how important the thing you offer is, if that makes sense.

it has to be some combination of the things you mentioned. I'm not sure if that's what you meant. But a very pretty but dumb and emotionally unstable woman would not be able to be that picky.

http://www.someecards.com/upload/movies/i_hope_sex_and_the_city_retains_...

Not to get cliche, but men get more attractive with age (along with wealthier, more intelligent / cultured). A majority of women don't age like wine (most women's personalities actually deteriorate with time also, more depressing).

Although the cougar phenomenon is somewhat a new fad (gone by next year), how many times have you gone to a W bar (insert other awesomely bad bar with good martinis), and saw a 20-something guy go home with a 40-something woman? How many times have you seen the reverse.

Girls in finance are outliers to the norm. Men who are single, independent, confident, and wealthy in their 30s / 40s far outnumber women with those same attributes. Men in that spot don't think "marry or be alone," they think "marry or bang 20 year olds." Not sure whether or not that actually happens.

Yeah, I probably couldn't disagree more with aadpepsi as far as sweeping generalizations go. I've worked with far more 35 year old male bankers that are perfectly content being single. Many of my friends older sisters approaching 30, 31, 32 are literally scrambling to find husbands and wear their insecurities on their shirtsleeves. The most hilarious thing is watching women near or over the 30 year old mark who see online dating as a perfectly normal alternative - mostly because they don't want to be seen as the cougars in the bars. I know my friends and I have had numerous conversations about dating older women and through sharing experiences have come to the conclusion that most women at or above 30 (bankers, lawyers and other career intensive types aside) that aren't married and are attractive flow into the following categories: just getting out of a long term relationship (read: engaged), divorced, or crazy.

That being said personally I'd be a little worried if I wasn't married by 30, but not too worried. I'm not the type that fears commitment and like GnT said, it's far more acceptable for a 30+ male to date younger women. Generally speaking there's no ticking biological clock like there is for women (pregancies becomes significantly more complicated after age 35, for example). Hell, I'm 25 now and I date younger women (the last girl I dated was 20...oops).

My general thoughts on that are if you weren't banging 20 year olds when you were in your 20's, you aren't going to be banging them in your 30's unless you've experienced significant appreciation in your finances (or you've somehow become famous).

Ok, send me a link to the article. I promise I'll read it.

Her article is also being made into a movie. Toby McGuire bought the rights to it.

So coming to a theater near you...

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

The author has previously written a book on battling an eating disorder also, so there might be some skeletons in that closet.

"Settling is mostly a women’s game. Men settle far less often and, when they do, they don’t seem the least bit bothered by the fact that they’re settling."

This is about the only thing I agreed with in that article!

A very LONG article I might add. Definitely did not have time to read it, but I did. Because I said I would. Now that I have, it hasn't changed my perspective at all. If anything I think the author represents a woman with very serious emotional trauma.

Personally, my tits aren't sagging, I look 10 years younger than I am, I'm in better shape now than I ever was, I'm well adjusted, have a generally positive outlook on life, I don't have baggage, I'm fertile (I've had that checked)... so nope, not settling. Then again, I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect either, so I think I have realistic expectations.

When I read that article, I thought it had more to do with the author's emotional issues than with a societal phenomenon. But it does offer an interesting perspective.