Assault on Wall Street: It's As Bad As You Think

I'm not sure what compelled me to see Assault on Wall Street over the weekend. I guess I just figured "How bad could it be?". Well, consider that question answered: it's truly execrable, but not without a few unintentional redeeming qualities.

We all know the basic premise of the movie: big evil banks drive some poor bastard into the poorhouse and he shows up on the trading floor with an Uzi and exacts sweet revenge on the behalf of little guys nationwide. For a ham-fisted propaganda piece, the movie is just what you'd expect. Where the movie fails to get it's anti-Wall Street message across, however, is in just how unlikeable the main characters are.

The movie centers on an armored car driver and his sick wife. Neither one of them is memorable in any way, and to prove this I can't even remember what her malady was. Leukemia, I think. Anyway, these two knuckleheads make a series of idiotic decisions which lead to financial catastrophe. The funny thing is that their problems weren't even caused by Wall Street.

Where evil Wall Street comes in is what happens to their savings account. The producers of the movie got so much wrong about this that it's laughable. First of all, the scenes with the big bad Wall Street CEO (played by John Heard) are a direct rip-off of Margin Call. They didn't even attempt to mask it. The bank has shitty assets and needs to dump them. Cut to trading floor where traders are offered big bonuses to clean house. It's almost word for word Margin Call.

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals. Of course all the paper goes pear shaped, and he gets a $60,000 margin call on top of everything else.

I'm just gonna stop right there, because I can feel myself getting pissed off again at how stupid the movie was. I mean, for fuck's sake, the actual assault in Assault on Wall Street didn't even start until 68 minutes into a 98 minute movie. The first two-thirds of the movie was just this dipshit making one low-IQ move after another.

It's gratifying to know that Main Street thinks this movie is a piece of shit, too. It's got a Rotten Tomatoes score of 14%, which puts it in the company of such classics as Gigli and Battlefield Earth. I'm frankly baffled as to how dreck like this gets made.

Here's the trailer if you're bored:

 

It's Uwe Boll...this is what you get from government subsidies.

I laughed when the wife killed herself...I'm a terrible person, but come on. That's reaching too far. It was getting ridiculous 30 minutes in, and just spiraled downwards.

Unfortunately, I think the average person probably believes this. If somebody ever does wage war on "Wall St", it will either be bombing some bank's back office on actual Wall Street or some regional brokerage office.

 
West Coast rainmaker:

I laughed when the wife killed herself...I'm a terrible person, but come on. That's reaching too far. It was getting ridiculous 30 minutes in, and just spiraled downwards.

Oh my God, that's so funny. I thought I was the only one. I was sitting there thinking, "Jesus Christ, lady. You couldn't help a brother out and kill yourself a half hour ago?" lol.

 

I have to say, I know everyone hates Wall Street right now but when I saw this preview on youtube last month I thought this movie took it a little far. I didn't see the movie nor do I intend to but I think telling people the guy who goes in and takes out his financial advisor because his portfolio got creamed in the crisis is the good guy is not a responsible message to send.

Glad to hear it was as bad as it looked.

Give me a kid whose smart, poor, and hungry...............
 

For some reason I was expecting a replica of the scene in Zoolander where Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson bust in and try to steal the files that are "in the computer." Except this time some schmuck busts onto a trading floor, guns everyone down, and demands to know where the money is. Classic awful.

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Edmundo Braverman:

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals.

hahahahahha
Maximum effort.
 
Edmundo Braverman:

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals. Of course all the paper goes pear shaped, and he gets a $60,000 margin call on top of everything else.

Wait a minute hold the phone. You're telling me Joe6Pack was NOT the biggest loser of Main and SovX blowing up at all time wides? o.0

Downloaded this and will watch it at some point when am extremely bored, but lol @ what the director thought was a good idea (i.e. too intricate for a regular joe watching to understand while too blatantly wrong for people in the industry)

 
Edmundo Braverman:

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals.

10/10

“Elections are a futures market for stolen property”
 

This is definitely a terrible movie.

I was surprised how there was literally no justification for his killings. I mean they could have made him at least turn crazy or something, that would have been a little more believable. But the whole time he is portrayed as some hero-vigilante. I'm also glad main st. isn’t buying this crap -- that would actually scare me. Hopefully this doesn’t spark some bright idea in the mind of someone who is mentally unstable. Damn.

 

Liz Warren actually has a cameo as this guys partner in the assault... she takes on sort of a xena princess warrior role, wearing camo booty shorts, bullet chains and shit.

On a side note, I bet this movie has some great one-liners, like: "I'm about to restructure... your ass" before setting off a bomb in the one of the buildings.

"Yes. Money has been a little bit tight lately, but at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums."
 

This has to be the worst wall street themed movie I've ever seen. The first 4mins put me off completely. "All right people, Listen up . .. . .blah blah".

Funny how these guys just throw around a couple of jargons in these movies.

 

When things in this country really hit the fan, expect alot of weirdos to come out of the woodwork.

I read an article about some 1%'ers in The Hamptons who were honestly scared for their safety because America is doing so bad thanks to Wall Street.

alpha currency trader wanna-be
 

Hopefully this movie doesn't give the wrong people any ideas. The last thing we need is some psychopath investor thinking this is the blue print for revenge. However I will certainly stream it online for free because that's all it's worth. I definitely thought it was a parody when I saw the trailer on WSO though....

 

OP, stop being such a baby.

"For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen."
 

Movie doesn't even make any sense. He loses his job and house so therefore he goes around killing equity traders. The character should shoot himself for putting 0% down and taking on an ARM loan.

Array
 
TeddyTheBear:

Movie doesn't even make any sense. He loses his job and house so therefore he goes around killing equity traders. The character should shoot himself for putting 0% down and taking on an ARM loan.

lol

Commercial Real Estate Developer
 

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"That dude is so haole, he don't even have any breath left."

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