Best Joke You've herd
So Monkey's what the best joke you've been told or tell on a regular basis.
I'll list a few that I found pretty entertaining.
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy
Dyslexics Of The World Untie
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
Guy walk into a bar and says, "HEY, do you have giant penguins around here?" Bartender says, "NO, why do you ask?" Guys says, "Crap, then I just shot a nun."
DISCLAIMER: Told to me by a black guy, so DON'T GET ON MY CASE and just laugh [or better yet, throw out a whiteboy joke]: . . A giant, black sailor with a parrot on his shoulder walks into the bar with a giant, colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Holy shit, where did you get that thing?"
The parrot says, "AFRICA, there's millions of them".
http://sickipedia.org/
NSFW (words not images)
A fire is raging and the ACME company is burning to the ground. One, two, then three fire companies come to fight the inferno. The CEO of the company shows up and shouts, "In the safe in my office is the patent that I built this company on. Whoever saves my document gets $100K!".
The firefighters work harder, but still the fire rages.
The CEO gets very nervous and shouts again, "$500K to whoever gets to my safe before it's destroyed! I MUST have that paper!!"
The firefighters work harder, but still the fire rages.
Suddenly, an old Norse firetruck roars down the hill and pulls right into the middle of the burning building. Ten ancient firefighters jump out of the truck, put out the blaze, and save the CEO's precious documents. Astonished, the CEO hands $1MM in cash to them on the spot.
A newscaster approaches old Sven, the leader of the Norse fire company and asks what they are going to do with the reward money. Sven scratches his slightly burnt beard and says, "Vell, da first ting ve going ta do is fix de brakes on dat focking firetruck...."
A man is walking a 10 year old boy through the forest. The boy says, "mister, I'm really scared."
The man replies, "you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
Two investment bankers are leaving the office late one night. As they're walking down the street, a mugger comes up to them with a knife and says "both of you give me all the cash you have right now." The bankers pull out their wallets and start taking out their cash. One of them suddenly pauses, turns to his friend, and says, "by the way, here is the $100 I owe you."
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
What's the most confusing holiday in Harlem? .......... Father's Day
Why is everyone saying we should send aid to Japan? Last time I watched the news they were showing a bloke with two boats in his driveway.
A refuse collector is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn't have a wheelie-bin outside. So he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes, an old Chinese man comes to the door. "Where's your bin?" the refuse collector asks. "I bin upstairs," the Chinese man replies. "No! Where's your dustbin?" he says. "I dust bin upstairs havin' a shit," the guy says. "NO! WHERE'S YOUR WHEELIE-BIN?" he continues. The old man thinks for a minute then says: "Okay, you got me, I've wheelie bin having a wank."
Sarah Palin.
a drunk guy leaves a bar, and sees a nun standing across the street waiting for a bus. He walks back and forth up the street, looking at the nun the whole time.
finally, he walks over and punches the nun in the face knocking her over.
he leans over and says: you're not so tough, Batman!
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
"It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick."
How many MIT engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two to design and build the nuclear reactor, and a UMass grad to realize they've already got electricity and flip the switch.
How many Chicago Democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place, one to drink until the room starts spinning.
How many UAW members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
WAIT WAIT WAIT, THAT'S NOT AN APPROVED WORK CATEGORY.
A first grade teacher repeatedly has trouble with one of her students. Everyday, this little boy sits in the back of the class and makes trouble and distracts the other students. She is determined to teach him and decides that the best way to keep him focused is to appeal to his interests.
One day, the teacher is giving a lesson on basic arithmetic and the little boy is goofing off in the back of the class again. She asks him to settle down and says, "I have a problem I think you might like. There are 5 birds sitting on a telephone wire. You take your BB gun and shoot one. How many birds are left?"
The boy answers, "None. Once I fire the gun, they all fly away."
The teacher replies, "That's not the correct answer, but it's very clever. I like the way you think."
The boy then says, "Oh well then I have a question for you. Three women are eating popsicles. One is sucking on hers, one is licking hers, and one is biting hers. Which one is married?"
The teacher thinks for a minute and answers, "Well I would think it'd either be the one sucking on her popsicle or the one licking her popsicle."
The boy replies, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like how YOU think."
Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
RE: title
"What happened to the lost cow?"
Nobody herd
"were in a sustainable recovery"
Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden and George Bush are all sitting in Hell. The devil is in a good mood so he tells them that they each can make one phone call, although they will be charged a monetary value. Putin makes the first call, he talks for 30 minutes and hangs-up. The devil tells him that his call cost $1 million dollars, Putin is a little surprised but the devil reminds him that a long-distance call from Hell isn't cheap, so Putin pays him. Next, Osama Bin Laden makes a call, he is on the phone for 45 minutes and hangs up. The devil tells him that his call cost him $2 million, so Osama says that is fine and pays him. Last, ole' W gets on the phone and he is just talking and talking for hours. Osama and Putin start discussing how much his bill is going to be, they cannot believe how long he is talking. 6 hours later, ole' W hangs up. The devil comes up and says that'll be $1.50. Up in arms, Putin and Osama complain to the devil, how can that be, he talked for 6 hours! The devil responds, ever since Obama took over, the country has gone to Hell, it's now a local call.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She forgot to wear her seatbelt
A guy tattooed his fiance's name "Wendy" on his penis before they got married to prove to her that he loved her so much. However under normal circumstance only W and Y can be seen on his penis.
One day he saw another guy in a bar's toilet with the same letters on his cock so the guy got curious and went "hey man that looks cool. i have my fiance's name here. what have you got on yours"
The other guy didn't give a fuck. But the guy kept on going and said "how about i give you $100 and you show me?" The other guy agreed so he gave himself a hard-on.
Then it showed "Welcome to the united states and have a nice daY"
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's an obscure number, you wouldn't know
when i was born, i was so ugly, the doctor punched my mom in the face.
when i was born, i was so ugly, the doctor punched my mom in the face.
Why do black students fail in school so often? Because they think going 5 for 10 from the field is solid.
*DON'T GET MAD I AM HALF BLACK
What is 5 for 10 from the field?
I invested all my money in shoes but lost it in the sock market
put a 2 liter of pop in the oven and ask your roommate what it is
(baking soda)
ok shitty shitty but last one
what is kabobs (what you have for dinner) short for?
karoberts
Don't ask Lebron for change for a dollar.
He's only good for 3 quarters.
A wife says to her husband "I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear"
To which the husband replies "Kitchen, bathroom, livingroom"
Nick Clegg.
Two friends are driving on the highway. Suddenly the police gets behind them and force them to stop. The police man steps off its motorcycle and walks to the car. The one person opens the car window and ask 'what seems to be the problem officer?'. 'Well', the police man says while he graps his notes, 'I am looking for two traders who (as he reads from his notes) commit insider trading and fraud, rape a girl at the office, and murder the boss'. The person on the driving seat shuts down his window and talks to his friend. After 10 seconds he opens the window again and says 'We'll do it!'.
How many Chicago economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None ... the market will take care of it if the government does not mess up market dynamics.
Haha
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