Networking With Alumni: Cold E-Mail?

Don't post your real name online, if that is your real name. If it is not, change it to something obviously fake like Warren Buffett or something so people like me won't post comments like this.

Typo in your last paragraph: "I am looking for switch my current..."

Overall it's good, but try to cut it down. I got bored after the first paragraph, and I'd imagine someone more senior than me with greater responsibilities would feel the same.

I would use the active voice and rearrange a couple of things. This is how I would do your first paragraph:

Dear Mr. / Ms. X,

My name is Elijah Price, a fellow alumni of X University (Class of 2008). I found your contact information in X's alumni directory and felt that you would be a suitable person to contact. I have a strong interest in finance; your firm, Barclays Capital, is known for its strong bond trading desk, an area I would love to pursue.

Caveat emptor : I'm still in high school, I probably should not post on this but I'm just trying to help.

make it short

How about this:

Dear Mr. / Ms. X,

My name is Elijah Price, a fellow alumni of X University (Class of 2008). I found your contact information in X's alumni directory and felt that you would be a suitable person to contact. I have a strong interest in finance. Although I currently work in the finance industry in a reporting role, I am looking to switch my current function. I would love to pursue a career path in Sales & Trading. It would be extremely helpful if I could better understand your career path and perspective on the finance industry. Is there a time when I might schedule a brief 20-30 minute call or visit with you at your office? Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, Elijah Price

Here is my redone version of the entire thing (I dropped all that stuff about high school. It does not seem very relevant. or impressive.) Do double check my punctuation, i've got an English paper to write so i kinda rushed this. It is very very long though. I just changed what you wrote but did not add or subtract anything other than the high school stuff. If I were you I would cut this down. Take out the things you think are weak (particularly from your second and last paragraphs). Good luck !

Hello Mr. / Ms. X,

My name is Elijah Price, a fellow alumni of X University (Class of 2008). I found your contact information in X's alumni directory and felt that you would be a suitable person to contact. I have a strong interest in finance; your firm, Barclays Capital, is known for its strong bond trading desk, an area I would love to pursue.

I graduated with a double major in ABC and Business Administration. While in college, I demonstrated my interest in finance and pruned my leadership skills. Several of my classes reflect my interest in finance, such classes include: Finance I and Team Strategy. My interest in finance is further demonstrated by my active participation in the school's finance club. My leadership abilities were further augmented through a number of venues. For instance, in my Team Strategy course, I lead a team of my peers through many challenges; as a result of my leadership my team received a top ranking. On top of my academic pursuits, I was also heavily involved in Varsity Swimming team. Swimming competitively taught me integral lessons about teamwork, leadership, and discipline; all of which are attributes I hope to bring to the work place. Despite my heavy extra-curricular involvement, I was still able to maintain a 3.5 GPA in college. After college, I demonstrated my financial aptitude by passing the first level of the CFA Exam. In June, I shall take the second level of the CFA exam.

Currently, my work in the financial industry is limited to a reporting role; however, I would like to move into bond trading. I am eager for an opportunity to make that shift, if your firm has any Analyst positions available, I would love to get in contact with you HR department about possibly filling that role. Given your experience in the industry, I'd love to hear your perspectives on career progression and about your experiences in the financial industry in general. Perhaps I could call you at a time of your convenience sometime in the future for a brief chat? Or perhaps you would prefer that I pay you a visit at your office?

I would love to chat sometime,

Thank you,

Ali Baba Black Sheep

Heres how mine usually go.

Hello Mr. XXX,

My name's xxxx and I'm currently a sophomore at xxx university majoring in quantitative economics. I'm currently looking into careers in management consulting and finance. I saw your listing in the Career Network as a managing director at xxxx bank and was wondering if you'd be willing to spare some time to talk about your experiences and the industry in general. If you're interested, please let me know.

Regards, xxxxx.

keep in mind that a lot of these guys will be reading your e-mail from their blackberries and dont want to read a 3-paragraph long story about your life. itd be better to save your story for when you actually talk to him--being able to pitch yourself is better done over the phone or in person.

also, ive noticed that most of the replies i get are short and simple ones like "sure. my number's xxx-xxx-xxxx. call me friday afternoon." that can give you an idea of how concise you should be.