Family Obligations - Struggles of a First Generation American

Hello my fellow monkeys,

This issue is something that I have been struggling with for a while now. But now that I have graduated college and am about to start an IB gig next week it has become something that I constantly think about. So a bit of background, I am the oldest of four and my parents are immigrants from Eastern Europe. My siblings and I were all born and raised here in the U.S. Both my father and my mother have always instilled in me the merits of hard work and perseverance.

While we did not have much (interestingly as a child, it never occurred to me our family's low income status, I knew we weren't super wealthy but I was not immediately aware of the poverty that surrounded us either) they did everything to ensure that we would have "the best"--after school programs, enrichment activities, summer camps, tutoring, etc. Needless to say, my parents have invested a tremendous amount in me and then some. And for that I am eternally grateful! What concerns me is that as I get older my career plans, dreams, goals, etc will surpass them, creating a disconnect between myself and my family. Let me explain...

While I love my parents dearly, they have become complacent. Complacent with our living situation (let's just say we are not in the best or safest part of our city), their jobs, etc. It is so unfortunate because they came here with huge dreams and goals, over the years they were eventually forgotten. I do credit my folks for working extremely hard to provide for my siblings and I, even working two jobs at some point when things became really difficult. But that hunger and drive that they once had is gone perhaps due to age, responsibilities to family back in Eastern Europe, or maybe due to a cold and hard dose of reality that not everyone 'makes it' in America. They supported me endlessly while I was in college even with the few resources that they had available and not once did they complain. Even though some might look down at the jobs/fields they have been in, they did what they had to do to make sure we were fed, clothed, and had a roof over our heads.

And now it is time for a return on that investment. To be frank, my base salary will be more than what both of my parents make combined (yeah I know... le struggs). And although it is something that they are not proud of, they view it as a blessing. Of course I have absolutely no problem at all helping my family financially and I do not plan on stopping any time soon. But let me ask this, when can I start to live or plan my life independently of the family that has been there for me and supported me for my entire existence? Being born and raised here I have friends (not from immigrant families or foreign backgrounds) who were 'pushed from the nest' right after graduation so to speak. For some of my closest friends, once they leave their parents, they are expected to be financially and socially independent.

I am not sure if I can say the same. Although some may say that I am too young to be making any serious lifestyle and financial plans/decisions right now, I have been doing some planning for my immediate future. But for some reason, out of obligation (or perhaps guilt) I cannot seem to makes these plans without considering my entire family-- including immediate family in Eastern Europe. I really do not want to view this as a burden but it is becoming difficult not to do so. Community cohesion and collectivism are things that I have been taught to value since childhood. However, I am not entirely sure if I can support my entire family and myself at such a young age. I hope I do not sound selfish to you all. I am just a confused soul looking for some helpful advice and insight.

Can anyone here speak to what I have been experiencing? For those of you that can identify with what I've expressed here how have you dealt with it? What are the challenges you have faced in doing so? At what point did you realize it was time to start 'living' and 'doing' for yourself? Or maybe some of you can't relate at all but would like to contribute, feel free...

 

Firstly, your parents did make it. They came to America, which most don't realize is really difficult to do, and raised four kids. You have opportunities they never had. I doubt they expected to be ballin out at any point. I was born in Ukraine and came over here with my mom and sister. My mom was a math professor and she's a programmer now. She's relatively miserable despite making 20x what she made there. She can't adapt to the culture, among other things. The only reason she brought us over was to get away from our situation in Ukraine and give us opportunities for a good life. This is the case for a lot of immigrants.

Secondly, what do you mean by immediate family? Your immediate family are your parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, and kids. Also, quit being fucking secret squirrel over here; where are your parents from? Just because your second cousin back in (Romania/Hungary/Bulgaria) doesn't have as many opportunities as you do doesn't mean you owe him anything. Especially if he never helped you out in a meaningful way. Chances are you'll be working at least twice his hours; homeboy can find a second job.

Your family has made it without your financial assistance all these years. Chances are they just wanna see you succeed and will be fine. I mean, you wanna talk numbers? Do they own a home? Is it paid off? You could help with that. Send them on vacation with your bonus. What are you trying to do though, cop a (Benz/Bimmer/Jag) for pops?

heister: Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad. https://arthuxtable.com/
 

Don't know about this exact situation. All I'll say is make sure you're financially secure before you start helping other people and don't stress yourself financially to help others. Once you start doing that you're working against yourself and that's not good for anyone in the long run. It's a marathon and the better you, the more you can ultimately help them,

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
 

At this point, the biggest help and difference you can make for your family is by being financially independent. If they don't support you anymore, that frees up a significant percentage of their income. I would look at it like this: Their income freed up > the couple of hundred bucks you can barely afford to throw their way each month (based on living in NYC and first year base salary)

*Not saying you shouldn't pay for dinner or buy groceries here and there.

If you build and maintain healthy financials early on, the quicker you'll be able to kick back any help without disrupting your lifestyle. Focus on doing well in your career, keep getting that annual increase in compensation, and then you'll be able to make a much bigger difference in their lives within a couple of years.

 
Best Response

I'd just ignore anyone who's ever helped you in the past. You're right, your parents are losers because they're not finance ballers. Fuck them.

Absolutely kidding. I'd largely ignore extended family back in the home country. There probably are too many of them and they'll all start spawning or already have so there will only be more in the future and I doubt you want to become rich Uncle Ivan in the States who always gives them money. And as @corporatefinanceguy said, as an analyst living in NYC you won't really have a ton of extra money to give.

Regarding your parents, help them and treat them anytime and in anyway you can. You said they're complacent and gave up on hopes and dreams of making it big in the US. No, they left their home country and most likely all family and friends to give their children a better life. They sacrificed and worked hard in shitty jobs and spent the money on you. And their first born got into a good enough college and had the work ethic to get hired by one of the most selective industries in the country. For most people that aren't consumed by measuring success solely by counting how many dollars they have, that is the definition of success: giving your children a better life than you had. You don't have to separate your life from them at all and you shouldn't want to. Share with them what you have because they sacrificed for you. That doesn't mean buy them a house with your first bonus (not that you could) but help out when you can. Buy groceries, dinner, a case of beer, whatever. Buy them decent Christmas presents, something they wouldn't buy for themselves but would really enjoy (and again, I don't mean to say that if your dad is an Italian sports car fan you should buy him a Ferrari when you're 23).

I was raised by a single mother who sacrificed absolutely everything for her children and worked in shitty jobs (and I mean literally shitty-cleaning houses and offices at times) that I was embarrassed of when I went to college where half of my friend's annual boarding school costs were more than she made a year. She would go without what most people consider basic things so that her children could have those things, and do things (like living in a good school district which was more expensive, extra curiculars that even though are cheap were expensive to her relatively) that would enable us to do better. One of the best times in my life up to that point was when I had my first job and could help her. The first year I was working her tv broke right before Christmas. I bought her a tv as a present and she cried. Proudest moment of my 22 year old life. If you stay in finance long enough you'll be able to help with larger things, and you should. When you start making more money you will drift away from some friends who don't simply make as much because there's a good chance you live in a more expensive town or area, you end up doing things that cost more and a whole host of things (some people will resent you) but family, especially parents, are the people that you never have to worry about that with.

Now, if they're expecting you to live at home and turn over your paycheck to them that's a different story altogether.

 

I think some great perspective has been offered up by the posts above. All I would add, is what some friends of mine have done, the "mother-in-law apartment", if you have kids and a family one day. I know it is pretty common to build a guest house for the parents to live in (especially when they get much older), which to be honest is actually a sweet deal. Basically, the parents get a free place to stay and start their retirement while being around the grand kids. In return, they generally help out with cooking + cleaning + watching the kids. Strictly from a financial perspective its probably 'cheaper' to hire that done if you need help, and it can be frustrating to have your parents living on the premises, butttttt you wanted to give back right?

Figured I would share, something to think about that is a long way off.

 
wdb:

1. they made it.
2. immediate family as said above is your parents, grandparents + siblings (you're not married and have no kids now) [may be some others who really helped you if any]
3. your financial independence already helps them a lot.
4. just don't miss any chance you can help them.

This right here. Especially number 1 and 4. They made huge sacrifices for you, the small sacrifices you will make from here on for them will not only help them finally live without the immense pressure, but also help them realize number 1.

"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
 

thank you for all the responses guys, many of them have been eye opening. I do plan on doing more than my fair share when I start. a good point about the 'immediate family' thing...I've only met my uncles/aunts/cousins back in Romania once and we're barely in touch. My priority now is to do my best with this new job and help out my folks whenever they need it.

 

This is a great post. I've also had these thoughts before. As a second-generation American with strong ties to my mother land in Latin America I've witnessed this issue first-hand. It is so easy to become disconnected from your non-immediate family who you barely see & interact with. I was also raised as a single mother so I know what it is to struggle. Looking back those times built a lot of character. I am thankful for all the sacrifices my mother made for me. My life has been built off the platform she provided.

As for your non-immediate family or anybody who didn't explicitly help you out, you don't owe them. And even though you don't owe them help them out or give them a little gift. It goes a long way but most important of all they won't have the opportunities & experiences you do.

I plan to break into banking and build wealth. At the moment my immediate family seems to be doing comfortably but in their time of need I want to be able to help them with any problem big or small without hesitation.

Work hard, work clean, & most of all do not give up.
 

Hi OP, I also come from a similar background. Immigrant family, dad walked out, lived in bad parts of town, received government subsidies, etc. My mom worked a ton of hours and all of that typical hardship sob story.

I'm also the oldest and it can definitely becomes very difficult balancing your life with your family. However, if your family sees that you're successful then they'll be happy and know that everything they've worked for was worth it. As long as you're not one of the deadbeat kids (you know what I'm talking about) that end up in jail for most of their lives despite their parents' sacrifices.

Buy them little things to show your appreciation. Be successful in what you do because you're a reflection of their dreams.

 

My family immigrated from Russia when I was five, and I largely grew up in poverty as well. As far as I am concerned, your parents are very successful in that they were able to bring you and your whole family here and worked tirelessly to provide you with the opportunities to grow and settle the next generation of your family here. I respect my parents everyday for accomplishing that, because doing that is one of the hardest things a parent can do, especially in their early twenties with no money, language, connections or support. Growing up this way you have gotten to see the true struggle and merits of hard work, which many people that grow up here never understand - I see this in my own younger brother who was born and grew up here when my family was already settled and a lot better off. Use this first hand experience to your advantage and let it motivate you.

Your parents don't expect anything back from you at the moment, just as you wouldn't from your children at the age you are currently at. All they want to see is that you are working hard and doing the best you can just as they did, while making sure you can also spend time with them and keep your family bond strong. You are the next step in the American Dream they came here to seek, and now it is your job to continue that for them and make them proud. When you work your way to the top and have the means to support them, then you can start showering them with gifts to express your gratitude for everything they have done for you, but at this point in time, it is important to do your best and set yourself up for a great career, so you have the opportunity to do just that in the future.

 

Hi OP, you say it's time for return on investment and you probably truly desire to help your family who worked hard and would like to give back right away. Perhaps you put a little bit too much pressure on yourself. Just focus on your career right now, and help your close relatives whenever you can. The better you do for yourself, the more help you will be able to offer in the future. Always appreciate that your parents sacrificed a lot in their lives, mostly to help you succeed, and if they see you are doing well and also remain a good person, then it will make them happy. Care about your family and help when you you can.

Not sure about the relatives in the home country, I don't see any obligation here -- it is your parents who wanted a better living and came to this country, and gave you everything they had -- not those relatives from E. Europe.

I have experienced similar feelings, when you grow up and think that your family is quite wealthy and you have pretty much anything you want/need, and then at some point you realize that your family is not wealthy at all and all their funds were being spent to make sure that children would have a better life than them. Then you start realizing how deep the parental love is, and having this in life is quite important as this experience can teach you a lot about yourself and your goals/motivation/priorities.

 

I take it your family is from an ex-Yugoslavian country? If not, where from? I come from a very similar situation. Parents left a war torn eastern European country in 1998 when I was 3 years old to move to the USA. They've always emphasized education and hard work, so I think that's where my ambition comes from. I'm still in school right now, but I know after I graduate I'll be in more positions where I'll be away from home. While it is a strong part of my culture (and many other eastern Euro countries) to keep family close and take care of your parents, I think being independent in your 20's and maybe 30's is the way to go. That being said I still plan on helping my parents out in whatever way I can, but I do not want to live the most important years of my life with my parents constantly over my shoulders. Don't forget about your friends and family, but don't live your life the way they wan't you to live it either.

 

You do not owe anyone anything. The money you make is yours because you've worked hard and you deserve it. Focus on what you want to do in your life first and then, if you are capable, help out others as you see fit. Do not let guilt guide your decisions.

 
Second_Chances:

You do not owe anyone anything. The money you make is yours because you've worked hard and you deserve it. Focus on what you want to do in your life first and then, if you are capable, help out others as you see fit. Do not let guilt guide your decisions.

I disagree. My parents came from Latin America, and made tons of sacrifices so that my brothers and I could go to better schools, wear nice clothes, eat, etc... Now that I am older do I realize we were never wealthy, but they made these choices for us to have better lives. You owe your parents a lot.

As has been said before, your parents probably already think they have "made it" because you received an education and now have a good job. I think "the american dream" that a lot of immigrants talk about is coming here to secure a better life for their children, and then their grandchildren, so on and so on... at least thats how I think about it.

But regarding the family back in e. europe.. Idk about all that... especially if you dont even know them. Just me though.

 

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