Feedback on JPM cover letter
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It's fine. Honestly, most people don't read these... the only times I've seen a CL matter were when people wrote wrong names in the letter and therefore looked like idiots.
First, you are missing a word in the opening sentence. "As very dynamic and top performing firm in its industry"
I would say try to make the letter more simple; your attempt at changing up sentence structures makes the entire thing come off as stiff and awkward.
Examples.. "Preparing pitch books, drafting information memoranda, preparing data rooms and gathering market data are activities I am familiar with" "contributed towards strategic considerations and the obtaining of mandates."
The third paragraph is just a string of statements with no flow to it. I understand that you are trying to sell yourself here, but consider rewriting this one to connect the sentences and form a meaning behind the paragraph.
A cover letter is exactly that, a letter. Try to make it more personable.
Second what was said. Also, misspelling of organization in the third paragraph. On the whole, the cover letter is awkwardly worded and needs serious revision to make you not sound like someone struggling with English.
He's from the UK, believe the spelling of "organisation" is acceptable.
Honestly this reads like English is maybe your third or fourth language.
Thanks for the honest feedback guys. I guess it's too obvious that English is not my mother tongue (I'm from Belgium). Would the following approach be better:
Paragraph 1: As "a" very dynamic and top performing firm in its industry, J.P.Morgan is the bank I want to work for. Paragraph 2: Use more linking words Paragraph 3: Identify 3 main traits and list them in bullet point format
Thanks for all the help!
Hi Guys,
I updated the cover letter. Any opinions?
xxx deleted xxx
Needs to be way simpler. Have a friend who speaks English as a first language help you write this. It does not flow well at all and sentence structure is wonky.
Bump
That letter is way to long
Keep it short & simple
I agree with this. I wanted to take a nap a couple of sentences in. What I did, and what I guarantee the people reading this will do, is scan for words that jump out. 90% of the things you reference are words that are used a bajillion times by bankers throughout the course of the day.
It's true that these usually don't matter for much, but if there's something interesting (read: uncommon) about you that's pertinent to the case you're making for employment, definitely reference that, because the word will jump out at the reader and make the message more memorable.
Bottom line: put yourself in the reader's shoes and write something that WON'T make their eyes glaze over
Start again. I couldn't get past reading the first two sentences. Throw this away and start again
As one novice to another, I couldn't make it to the end of the first paragraph and the first sentence hurt my brain. I think the length is not a problem if the read is interesting. If you want to specifically leave an impression with CL as a junior, I would recommend going out of the box. Add a narrative to your whole cover letter, so that it's not an official letter but a very good official-short-story. It will definitely get some attention. For example, start off straight with what made you interested in banking in the first place and build from there. Write what you have learned/done to actually live in your passion and how you have made progress (describing progress generally fits very well with the narrative style). You need to start with an act, a memory from history, whatever. You need to have their attention from the first sentence, if you wish to impress with CL. Be brave. I put a lot of time into mine, i rewrote it 7-8 times. I made a good short-story and received good feedback. Also in the end "I hope the above pointed out that I am very eager to join J.P.Morgan." - this is not how you close. You need to tell them that you are The Man, you see yourself as the perfect candidate, not "hope that the above pointed out!"... Tell them exactly how you will benefit the firm and you don't have to "hope they understood it". Good luck and all the best!
Did you end a sentence with a preposition?
As well, I think it's spelled 'madame'.
Actually, in English, it's "madam".
Why would you post your cover letter publicly on a forum?
Now, some random dude might copy bits and pieces of your cover letter, and you, yes you, might be accuse of copying this cover letter if someone spots the similarities.
Too long IMO. Can't see it in word but shouldn't be more than half - 3/4 of a page in size 10 font of actual content.
Also don't just summarise your CV, I will have that next to me. Tell me more about you, why you want to work for us and why we should want you to join.
Whole first paragraph is a waste of space IMO. The bank doesn't need to hear about how great it is, or aspects about them... they are them.
DIIIING
Yep - stopped reading after you ended your first sentence in a preposition. Next.
Please use the Resume/ Cover Letter service. Guaranteed to improve your sentence structure and flow.
Also, using terms like 'proof' on something as subjective as hard working isn't advisable. I would consider not suggesting that you are 'stress resilient' until after working in S&T/IBD.
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