For those in IBD: Dumbest things you've seen in a resume?
(Orangutan, 290
Points)
on 8/11/12 at 5:00am
Here's one I came across this morning from a kid from an Ivy.
"GPA: 2.45 / Major GPA: 2.6".
Why he put his major GPA if it still sux my left nut is beyond me. I was thinking of drafting him the following email:
"Dear [ ],
Thank you for your interest in [ ]. Unforunately, we will not be moving forward in the process with you. Our cafeteria is hiring, though. Can you make a mean panini? If so, I will be happy to forward your resume along.
ps. I hear Jefferies is hiring.
Best regards,
[ ] "






Lots of dumb shit on resumes...
Even dumber shit on cover letters! Ay vay.
(Yes, I read them)
e.g. resume shows an accounts payable position while in undergrad and the kid spins the experience on his cover letter to say he's done "transactional level" work.
Ah ja... I get it, I get it... A/P, shoving paper along, from this person to that person, yup transactional!
I've seen objectives where
I've seen objectives where they say something like "to obtain investment banking analyst position at ________" which is lame in and of itself, but on top of that, they get the name of the bank wrong...
I personally misspelled
I personally misspelled "Bear Stearns" in an old cover letter (left out the 'a' in 'Stearns'). Name of the bank is probably the first thing you should get right.
Otherwise, I've seen plenty of pompous cover letters before. Usually not the best idea, even if you may be God's gift.......
when people put CEO or
when people put CEO or something along those lines of some bullshit company they founded...i mean give me a break
Yes, I agree...
The CEO bit is played out too much...
Excerpts from letters received this week - either with generally poor writing, punctuation or just desperately stretch experience:
"I reguarly contact and interact with CEO's, CFO's, and Presidents of company's to discuss various available M&A and Exit strategies."
"I supplemented my academic work with
Lies
I've seen kids lie on their resumes and to me that's the DUMBEST thing you can do.
One loser said he worked for Piper Jaffray's tech investment banking group in Seattle, WA, which was bullshit. I had interned at Piper so I knew the company. They only have muni/public finance up there.
Objective Statment
"To find a challenging position in a hungry firm that will leverage my entrepreneurial drive and experience."
Nice!
Just for shits 'n giggles... let's examine that statement a bit.
Why would anyone want to seek a position in a "hungry firm"? At first pass, the expression implies firm is not bringing in any business. Would you find a challenging position joining a sinking ship?
I might be a wee bit tired this afternoon so perhaps I'm missing something else. How does entrepreneural drive match IB? Entrepreneural drive fits VC, but IB?
Haha, exactly. To top it
Haha, exactly. To top it off, under interests, the applicant listed high-energy physics and phantom racing...
Self assessments
What the hell is high-energy physics?
All the same...
What the hell is low-energy physics?
Crap...
So confusing, my brain hurts
I certainly have no
I certainly have no idea...but as far as interests go, I would file it under the socially awkward category.
I'm just paging through a
I'm just paging through a recent book of college seniors:
"I have a real passion for Finance." Uh, really? I didn't think finance was actually passion-worthy. And what's with the Capital Letters? Are we in the seventeenth century?
"I believe that the atmosphere at [firm] will help nurture my strengths and satisfy my visceral urge to work in the financial markets." Great. Why don't you tell me all about your... um... visceral urges.
"I would love opportunity to compete for this position. I am very eager to learn and very hardworking. I wish I could apply for all the positions within [firm]. [Firm] has been a dream company of mine for the past three years and I would love to work for such an amazing company." Okay, kid. Calm down. Just breathe, okay?
One kid wrote to "Mr. Alicia Wu". Alicia Wu is clearly a woman.
One kid's last name was "Dorkman", I kid you not. Dude, I feel sorry for you, but if your last name is Dorkman, change it before you apply to investment banks. In fact, change it before you do anything anywhere. No one can possibly take you seriously no matter how hard we try.
"I am currently the Director of Finance and the Vice President of Content for a growing on-line investment service company." Great, glad to hear you and your buddies know how to build a website.
One kid attached his entire school transcript when we didn't ask for it. Dude, do you know how much space you just wasted in our book?
A few select phrases from one kid's letter: he wants to join "the world's most talented individuals," my firm is "the best, bar none," he's "the top finance major in his class", he wants "limitless learning potential." Dude, I call limitless bullshit. I was only one year ahead of you in the same school, remember? Don't say you're the best when you know your resume is going to be looked at by people who actually went to classes with you.
"I have an insatiable desire to learn." Again with the dirty talk? What is it with all these primal urges and passions and insatiable desires? Don't you guys ever get laid?
"Last summer I was exposed to Morgan Stanley's Investment Banking Division." Exposed? How kinky. Got pictures?
Take-aways: Don't be dumb. Choose your wording carefully. Don't let your cover letter sound even remotely like sex. The words "lust," "visceral," "urge," and "insatiable" probably do not belong on a cover letter. You're looking for cool confidence, not warm sweaty palms. Don't bother telling us how badly you want this. Everyone wants this badly.
Nicely done. Are you the
Nicely done. Are you the anonymous pen behind Leveraged Sellout?
Excellent... loved it :-)
Leveraged Sellout is
Re: Excellent... loved it :-)
Don't freak me out...
A propos of Leveraged
lol Mr Alicia Wu. it
Financial Modeling Training
Guide to Finance Interviews
Banking Resume
those are funny
haha
i didn't
LOL what a fag
Financial Modeling Training
Guide to Finance Interviews
Banking Resume
prospie
nope...
Financial Modeling Training
Guide to Finance Interviews
Banking Resume
your post style
Are applicants still calling
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Account Inactive
mis Ind: LMAO, great post!
Yep, nobody got the name of
Re: For those in IBD: Dumbest things you've seen in a resume?
Red flag
with IB yes
my personal favorites are
Exactly...
Do as I say, not as I do...
how bad
Let's open a pandora box :-)
mba gpa?
Solid 3.6... not a 3.8, not a 3.9 :-(
aadpepsi wrote:3.2 Shocked?
LOL
Former Engineering
Yes
What's the best place to
Streeterville or Goldcoast
Ha. A little out of my
Luck you don't have to pay
Yes... FD has lots of "amenities"