Goldie's Guide to Fatherhood on the Cheap
Some guys want kids, but don't want to get married. Men's sexual market value (SMV hereon) increases well into their 60s+ if they play their cards right (i.e. stay fit, have your career in order, be an interesting person, dress well, etc.). Whereas the SMV of women decreases pretty much linearly after around 30. That’s because women look at a much broader set of criteria in selecting a mate than men do. This stems from the simple fact that I could go impregnate a small village tomorrow and a woman has to carry a kiddo in the gut for 9 months.
Therefore, a man is genetically incentivized to fuck as many fertile looking bitches as he can get his hands on while a woman must be far more selective. A man wants to knock up a fit chick who will bless his child with good genetics and who has them joocy thighs and wide hips to increase the odds of a successful pregnancy. A woman wants a man who will pass good genes on to her child and who will be a good father, so she wants a man who’s physically attractive but also is charismatic and driven. Makes sense, right? Right. Moving on.
See where the lines intersect? That usually happens in your early 30s. Coincidentally, that’s when women start to “settle down.” Settle down from what? From riding the cock carousel with cool dudes who she likes spending time with, but realizes won’t commit to her. To the herby nine to fiver who she has to convince herself isn’t boring, but who she knows will stick around and pay for her botox and Prozac and her kid’s braces. He’ll definitely need them. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 4. I never needed braces. My mouth is fucking gorgeous. Coincidence? Doubtful. If Plan A and Plan B fall through, I’m becoming a mouth model, kid.
So if you’re a man who has his ducks in a row and you realize you don’t want to commit to one woman (Marriage was instituted by the Church, by the way, and Goldie don’t fux with organized religion in any capacity. Those dicks should have to pay taxes like everyone else) for the rest of your life, but you want to have kids to carry on your genetic legacy and whatever other legacy you set into motion during your lifetime… you face a conundrum.
Aside: I believe that there’s a good chance that technology allowing humans to effectively live forever in some shape or form will come along in my lifetime. I still want kids though. You’ll probably need mad guap to access it though, so I gotta stack cheddar cheese in the meantime. And there’s a chance it will be regulated by the government or some shit and they’ll only let noteworthy people transplant their brains onto hard drives or whatever, so you gotta do some noteworthy shit in your life too. Gotta make the public want to keep your ass around, dig?
So anyway, you want a kid on the cheap? Knock up a chick in college. You should be working internships in college if you’re not retarded. Ask the dumbass working at Arby’s with his Communications degree how many internships he had in college. Even better, ask him how many he bothered applying for. Chances are, the number’s lower than his GPA; which isn’t saying much.
Anyway, if you have a kid out of wedlock, you gotta pay child support. This is fair, but how they determine how much you pay is not. They take a flat percentage of what you’re making at the time and tell you to pay that every month to the mother for the next eighteen years. It’s actually pretty common for comedians and ex-TV stars to be fucking broke because they start getting known, start getting some pussy, fuck around and get a chick preggers, and get their child support rated off of the money they’re making at the time. Then their gig dries up and they’re stuck owing $80K a month to some bitch who drives a pink Rover who was a hairdressed when you met. Meanwhile, you're lucky to get $200 in a night at The Comedy Store.
So what you gotta do is flip the script on ‘em! Intern pay sucks veiny dragon dildos compared to full time. But in college, you have access to all these sexy fertile bitches who will be fucking your boss after graduation. So what you do is you impregnate the most genetically gifted chick you can find at least 9 months before you graduate and get your child support rated off of your bullshit intern pay. Then, you graduate, accept the full time offer, and keep paying that nonsense child support while watching your checks grow each year. Child support doesn't match inflation either, so $1,000 today is only worth $577 (3% inflation assumption) by age 18. Now the chick has 9 months to bail, so you probably gotta lead her on. Might need to cop a cubic zirconia. But she led you on with that pushup bra, so it's a fair trade.
Then, with all that money you save, you can buy your kid a bunch of cool shit and take him on trips and shit so that he loves you more. Let mom pay for the lame bullshit like food and housing. Because life is a competition and all is fair in love and war.
Hire a surrogate or adopt if you want a child and don't want a marriage.
Wow, I never thought of it that way. Maybe it's because I'm having reoccurring nightmares about otherwise prefect 20 year old women who have almost half a dozen kids and want more.
I believe that in most states the mother (or custodial parent) can go back and sue for more child support if/when the non-custodial parent makes more. I've seen it happen to people I know if at least 3 states but I could be wrong and it's only those three states that allow it. However, it's much more difficult to decrease the support.
It all makes sense as to why my birth father hasn't showed up in years... he's saving up all that money so we can get boats and womens! :D
I
Are you gonna go and execute this plan? Sounds wild but respect if you do
@"B4SH"
Nah man, I'm gonna bite the bullet and settle down one day because I want my kids to be raised in a loving two parent home.
^ this is funny. "here's exactly what you need to do to be successful and have kids." "you gunna do it?" "nope."
Kids drive me insane. Good luck and shit
From a legal standpoint, this is some really, REALLY fucking dumb advice.
If you're stupid enough to follow it, you shouldn't be allowed to have children in the first place.
I'm baffled that you guys are taking this seriously.
if anyone has read your post history, they'd know better.
either way, this is gold.
That was masterful bro
How many SB can I give at one time? TAKE THEM.
This is amazing. I'm glad we're best friends (you just don't know it yet).
Why worry about being cheap? It's easier to make more money than it is to deal with crazy women.
Do you have a crazy chick on hand already?
WSO match making? Maybe Patrick can offer a match making service featuring the 4 Asian girls that read this forum.
Lol...I always suspected Bankerella was some sort of Asian, whether East or South is up for debate
delete
The first part is essentially plagiarized (assuming unintentionally) from an old Eddie post. The second part is adorable if you ignore the legal system, though I'm confused why anyone would want "a kid on the cheap" in the first place
So you wrote 3 paragraphs on it because it's common sense? Or are you referring to having kids with college freshmen and then paying cheap child support as common sense?
Catfish.
This made my morning. Genius with a dash of crazy. Perfect combo.
Yes.
wtf is this shit...
This thread reeks of virginity.
Would SB if I had any. This is hilarious in concept and writing style.
word of advice to OPbrah:
probably should avoid linking your blog to this username. the internet doesn't forget. i can tell you from experience, it can fuckin drastically change your life for the worse.
Preface: Gotta give @goldencinderblock cred for being a pretty gifted writer; engaging and conversational with good diction and natural flow.
This particular post was pretty crass - not really my taste - but it was par for the course considering the OP. That said, it's clear that OP's writing is less about his actual opinions than it is a caricature of his beliefs. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he seems like a natural entertainer and entertainers hyperbolize their beliefs for comic effect. I mean... even OP later said he's going to settle down because he figures he will actually love his kids.
So... this message goes out to the groupies in this thread; specifically, the ones that really truly honestly read that and thought "Hey! That's a good idea!". You know who you are, and I assume you are too young and naive to A. get the irony, and B. understand that in practice this is a really, really, really bad idea.
Final thought: I'm young (though older than most of you) and I have kids and I have a really great job. Both are rewarding, and I need the job to take care of the kids. But if I had to choose, I'd choose my kids any day. There is nothing in the world more rewarding than your kids' accomplishments, including your own. My advice is to have all the fun you want but keep your eye out for the right girl. Don't settle. You'll know because she will likely be way out of your league (which is important because if you're too conceited to see any leagues above your own, you'll most likely be lonely and depraved). If you want kids, this is the way you need to do it. After all, OP has a point... you want your kids to grow up in a home where they are loved, and if you do, I guarantee that come 85 years old, you'll be happier than than the guy with tons of money and kids that either hate him, or pretend to like him for his money, or never existed at all.
@"Mr. Manager" just call me Versace Spreadsheet
I thought this was gonna be another arrogant, self-centered douchy post... and it is a brilliant one !
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