HEY you OCR little f*cks

shit on me all you want because idgaf!!!! all your fate is mine, you little f*ckers

i volunteered to do ocr because i thought it'd be a nice break but F*CK i'd rather be hunched over my desk than be dealing with these borderline terrifying besuited assailants.

first of all, GOD DAMN, kids, POP SOME BREATH MINTS. when was the last time you brushed your fucking teeth? the club room should smell like that shitty cookie platter in the corner and stale old spice, not HALITOSIS

second, there's a thing called PERSONAL SPACE. don't lunge your scrawny little turd bodies so close to mine that i'm backing up so far into a table that i have bruised indentations on the backs of my legs. scary as fuck when a whole gaggle of 5'7" dorks with homicide eyes are hanging onto every word i stutter.

third, don't ask contrived, bullshit questions. "what is the group's culture?" shit, i don't know, but i can tell you that it isn't creepy and oblivious as all fuck

fourth, don't tell me you're a neuroscience major or that you're PASSIONATE about healthcare or investing or stocks. who the fuck cares? you don't need to know the fucking krebs cycle to copy and paste shit into powerpoint. and do NOT tell me about how you build excel models for fun, you doofus

finally, don't add me on linkedin at 1am that very night. don't write me an indecipherable email with your three-page resume attached when i never even gave you my contact info. don't send me a nine-paragraph followup email after i send you a short one wishing you good luck as i refer you to hr. the fuck is wrong with you kids?????

 
stvr2013:

2 Krebs Cycle references. Did someone actually bring that up while networking?

some little fucknugget was talking about cancer drugs and why the krebs cycle was important and i was like wtf you really think any of that matters i don't even remember what mitosis is

now i know what bishes mean when they say they can't even

 

I would agree with #1 and #2.

For #3, well they may be genuinely interested in how your group/company operate. Students want to know how the people, training & development or hours are in your organisation. Some examples about what you work with (if appropriate to share) are also great.

For #4, besides the neuroscience major/ the person talking about the Krebs cycle, I feel that talking about Excel models, investing and healthcare show you that the students have some background dabbling in these areas. Wouldn't you want someone who has passion and some experience in these areas?

For #5, I'm not sure what kind of follow-up email the students sent you. Do you mind sharing with us what they wrote? I feel that the students were trying to build rapport with you.

 
Lucas_M:
Wouldn't you want someone who has passion and some experience in these areas?

Claims of "passion" are often contrived, misplaced and spittle-flecked.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, post threads about how to do it on WSO.
 
Lucas_M:

For #3, well they may be genuinely interested in how your group/company operate. Students want to know how the people, training & development or hours are in your organisation. Some examples about what you work with (if appropriate to share) are also great.

HAHA if you want to know this type of info, head to glassdoor. in anonymity veritas, breh

ask us this and we will spew out some bullshit about how the environment is collegial, that everyone gets along, how it's 'just a really great team' and that we always make time to hang out and shoot the shit. no one will tell you about how analysts hide out in the bathroom and silently plot their associates' untimely deaths or that there are those two or three guys that everyone fucking hates or that female members will most definitely feel uncomfortable because shit is basically a frat house. no, we will tell you that it's like one big family. which is a lie. and i hate lying. so stop asking this question.

 
KREBSCYCLEOMG:
Lucas_M:

For #3, well they may be genuinely interested in how your group/company operate. Students want to know how the people, training & development or hours are in your organisation. Some examples about what you work with (if appropriate to share) are also great.

HAHA if you want to know this type of info, head to glassdoor. in anonymity veritas, breh

ask us this and we will spew out some bullshit about how the environment is collegial, that everyone gets along, how it's 'just a really great team' and that we always make time to hang out and shoot the shit. no one will tell you about how analysts hide out in the bathroom and silently plot their associates' untimely deaths or that there are those two or three guys that everyone fucking hates or that female members will most definitely feel uncomfortable because shit is basically a frat house.
no, we will tell you that it's like one big family. which is a lie. and i hate lying. so stop asking this question.

The reality to this is that all big investment banks operate in almost exactly the same manner. Some teams are better than other (but if you hate your team, you wouldn't say that in recruiting - it's freaking sales), but IB works like IB. Some teams are stronger and some teams have better senior bankers with tighter relationships, but there is no IP secret to how banking gets done. It is fundamentally a sales job with a similar product offered by all participants. The market sets the price for every deal...no other way around that.

 
KREBSCYCLEOMG:

HAHA if you want to know this type of info, head to glassdoor. in anonymity veritas, breh

ask us this and we will spew out some bullshit about how the environment is collegial, that everyone gets along, how it's 'just a really great team' and that we always make time to hang out and shoot the shit. no one will tell you about how analysts hide out in the bathroom and silently plot their associates' untimely deaths or that there are those two or three guys that everyone fucking hates or that female members will most definitely feel uncomfortable because shit is basically a frat house.
no, we will tell you that it's like one big family. which is a lie. and i hate lying. so stop asking this question.

Or better yet, network effectively. Sooner or later you'll find a contact who tells shit like it is.

 

Hahhha. "homicide eyes". Good pointers, you must be a Bill Burr fan. I feel sorry for the Neuro major, might be reading this right now. If you love healthcare so much, go be a doctor. Anyway,nice mistakes to learn from.

Thanks

 

If we all be real quiet and let their dreams of being BSD fill their minds we can get them to do our work for us.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne
 

Bad breathe and personal space aside, I think I'd commit a lot of these faux pas if I hadn't spent the time I have on WSO and going through significant rounds of recruiting myself. Banking recruiting norms aren't exactly well known.

 

Did OCR two weeks ago. Engineer leaps into conversation about some material/synthesis/ozone/fuckall analysis about something or other, all the while his hand is shaking like an angry vibrator. If we got any closer i thought this shaking, paired with his resume in hand, would give me a mean paper cut. He is almost done his rambling when the fire alarm goes off, poor lad

 
mattgunner25:

Did OCR two weeks ago. Engineer leaps into conversation about some material/synthesis/ozone/fuckall analysis about something or other, all the while his hand is shaking like an angry vibrator. If we got any closer i thought this shaking, paired with his resume in hand, would give me a mean paper cut. He is almost done his rambling when the fire alarm goes off, poor lad

This story is as funny as it is brutal. Kudos.

Fortes fortuna adiuvat.
 
ramadjaffri:
mattgunner25:
Did OCR two weeks ago. Engineer leaps into conversation about some material/synthesis/ozone/fuckall analysis about something or other, all the while his hand is shaking like an angry vibrator. If we got any closer i thought this shaking, paired with his resume in hand, would give me a mean paper cut. He is almost done his rambling when the fire alarm goes off, poor lad

This story is as funny as it is brutal. Kudos.

He was incredibly intelligent, so he did score our very last interview slot. I was hoping he could turn around the social skills, but to no avail

 
anonymousbro:

If you want to recruit someone that's well adjusted and not awkward, go to a nontarget before the academics get their mits on them. Guarantee you won't have a conversation deeper than football, baseball, or basketball(maybe hockey) depending on the region. Don't even go on campus, just go to bars and house parties.

ok the whole point of recruiting at targets is so that upper management can collect these children like fucking trading cards. nontarget kids could certainly do the work, but then what would your MD brag about? that his analyst class is comprised of chill, good-natured bros from mediocre schools? no, he wants to tell all of his friends about how he picked up all his kids from princeton. why do you think banks have shit like sport leagues for their summer analysts?

you're all just fucking trophies. and trophies shouldnt have breath that smells like decaying hamburger meat. so, for the last god damn time, brush your fucking teeth

 

Let's be real OCR is joke on both ends. I remember when GS came and they had no idea how to answer a basic question regarding openings. On the flip side most of the kids are eager and yes awkward as F***, but understand this we were in that position too once. If everyone wanted to flip burgers then they would've done that already. Every grad wants a job right after school and has to prove that they are not like everyone else applying for the job. Sending out a 3 pager is excessive and just wrong.

Greed is Good!
 

For all the job seekers out there, take heed:

The message here is be authentic, be normal, and generally don't "try to hard."

You understandably want to "try hard" (aka put in hours of effort) to get a job, but do this in preparing, like understanding how to pitch yourself, getting the technical matters down inside and out, front to back, going through mock interviews, talking to friends already in banking yadda yadda yadda--the effort goes into preparing so that the execution is relatively effortless.

And above all, if none of it is making sense and you really want to talk about the krebs cycle (I forgot that even existed!), then fuck banking and go get a PhD!!! Or join the Marines, or McKinsey, or the Peace Corps or whatever you want. No harm in doing what you are passionate about, it just might not be financial markets...

 

Funny how accurate this is. I want one kid to give me an honest answer or even a decent question and I'll personally hand off their resume. One piece of advice for those participating in OCR - anyone who walks in the room with a brown lunch bag; send them out and tell them never to return. Some ass-hopper walked in with a fish stick sandwich (two pieces of white bread with four fish sticks in between) and made the whole area smell like rotten fucking asshole. Just when you thought no one could get more creative with the shit they eat, this fucking guy appears.

 
BrokerJoker:

Funny how accurate this is. I want one kid to give me an honest answer or even a decent question and I'll personally hand off their resume. One piece of advice for those participating in OCR - anyone who walks in the room with a brown lunch bag; send them out and tell them never to return. Some ass-hopper walked in with a fish stick sandwich (two pieces of white bread with four fish sticks in between) and made the whole area smell like rotten fucking asshole. Just when you thought no one could get more creative with the shit they eat, this fucking guy appears.

How much you wanna bet we can do that on here?

 

Greets, I am RealProps, any advice you could give an unemployed 38 year old school teacher who has a degree in Renaissance Literature would be greatly appreciated, as I am having a hard time getting call backs for analyst positions. I would be happy to PM you or you could PM me or I could call you at your work extension or maybe call you or your cell or I could try to find out where you live and we could talk or we could meet for lunch at your favorite restaurant or maybe go watch a game and have a beer no pressure, if not no worries; but please do let me know one way or another.

 

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