how can I help my boyfriend who feels like he is a loser feeling better?
I have been dating a guy I work with for few months and he is an incredible human being.. unbelievably sweet, very thoughtful, funny, one of the most intelligent men I know..( also too hot for me :D ) I really like him a lot, much more than he can ever imagine. I feel happy when I am with him.
I am on the trading desk, and he is my team's business analyst (Middle office or IT depends on the firm I guess, but my firm consider them as a part of IT) and we got to spend a lot of time together, and we started dating after months of being just colleagues.
The problem is, he is very insecure about himself, hates his job, feels very uncomfortable by the fact that he is the only one among his friends who is not successful ( he did LSE and all of his friends are doing very well in finance or other fields, my colleague is also a friend of him from uni before LSE) and is haunted by feelings of lack of self-worth, failures, doubts and uncertainties..
He sometimes also gets very anxious about my "status." I am obviously , at least from the common social standard, in a better position and this annoys him from time to time..not going to discuss in details, but whenever he acts or says something that reflects his "inferior complex", it is so heart-breaking.
I believe he is not a loser and he is still young , he just turned 30, so I really don't want him to feel like his life is a failure. In fact, I think he is very successful and intelligent. Still, he is surrounded by extremely successful people, he feels very intimidated and sometimes gets so depressed I do not know how to cheer him up.
I can seek an advice from a relationship mentor or whatever those kind of bullsh*t, but I think people in finance actually have quite different mentality and personality , so I want to get an advice from other people in finance... Also the visibility of success in finance is the clearest (apart from professional sports) so one is more vulnerable to feel insecure and feels like a failure, without ever reaching the full potential...
So please don't say anything bad about him that he is a pu*sy for being insecure and lacking confidence, I couldn't care less about what others think about him..because I am not dating him for his assets..I love him for who he is.
I would only like to know how can I help him to feel better about himself and not to sink into depression ..it is getting worse these days :(
Thank you guys
You could invite me over and have him walk in on us
Tell him what you like about him; Make it unique.
Good for you for caring about him so so much. Although, this website/forum really isn't the place for it as the previous responses might have already suggested. I too suffer from horrendous bouts of depression that come and go, and this is further augmented by a tendency to self loath, and self depricate. However, I surround myself with some of the most caring people in the world (family, gf) and that helps a lot.
I would suggest that you should always, always cheer him up during these bouts, never leave him feeling like no one cares, or people agree. Talk to him about how he can always make the switch to a better role, maybe non finance, maybe consulting or something else. Heck LSE on a résumé is pretty big deal, love him and show him that if it bothers him so much he can always change gears and shift his career. You'll be there to back him up and ride the tough times with him. Also, everyday leave a note on his desk, or somewhere that he is bound to see, telling him one good thing that you like about him, it could be as trivial as the way be combs his hair. Lastly, if all else fails, and it's full on depression, please see a therapist. There is no shame in seeking help :) I did, and will always support people who do the same.
PM me if you'd like to talk more!
Hang in there friend.
Tell him to set goals for himself. (short-term or long) Might take 5, 8 or even 10 years to go there. Until he can dream and envision himself as being successful in the future, he is only making blind bets and will continue to be in this state of mind.
Find a time where you can talk and tell him what you've told us. Help put things into perspective by stressing that you're happy with how things are and want to support his goals. Success is just managing your expectations vs results.
Tell him to go see a therapist and then dump him. Seriously. You do not want to spend the rest of your life trying to cheer up someone who is depressed. This sort of self-loathing is about much more than his job.
You will not lift him up, he will drag you down. I wish I was kidding.
wait, what?
That doesn't sound productive.
How is dumping him going to help? She loves him.
I only give good advice....she needs to dump him with 100% certainty. Love is not the only ingredient required for success. She is going to marry him, have some kids, and then file for a devastating divorce.....better to get out now. This is going down a horrific path and it is painfully obvious.
Insecurity is a bitch.
It's also hard to make a marriage work if both are super successful. Sometimes the best combination is one ambitious person marrying someone who love to settle for a peaceful and normal life. I'd say she should keep her boyfriend if he can overcome this insecurity problem and accept his better half is indeed better than himself.
Dick is right. You're not going to be successful in lifting him up. It's an internal problem he needs to work out on his own. I think it's REALLY sad for him to allow his career that much control over his personal happiness- life is too short, and every one of you (traders, bankers and all) could be out of a job tomorrow. That's a horrible way to measure happiness. It's not your job to motivate him. He needs to be motivated on his own. I say move on and find a man who is at peace with himself.
I'm leaning a bit towards Dick Fuld on it. If he's always that way it's something to consider whether you can always deal with.
If he's just going through something then you need to be patient and let the phase wear off.
Either way if you want to improve it there's very little that you can do. Where you CAN help him is by being that little kick in the ass he needs to do more. Specific verbiage is important: the only way to cure a situation like that is to honestly assess what motivates you and then take aggressive action. Maybe what you need to do is get him to motivate himself and go to business school to change course in life. Even a top 20 program is more than good enough to help somebody pivot into a new career that they may like better...and finance is hardly the only way to be successful, it's just one of the highest paying "steady jobs". If you successfully grow a startup or do well on the corporate ladder you can end up making more than most bankers.
Another option is to find good community involvement. I'd particularly recommend Toastmasters because practicing public speaking will do wonders for self esteem. Plus since he's got a few years under his belt some form of mentorship program might be great. Big Brothers is a good organization that offers a positive experience.
It's a no-win situation. Dumping him is the only viable option.
(I agree with SSits that this is likely a troll post, but I prefer to answer the question as if it's a serious question anyway)
Why doesn't he just get a new job? It's not all that difficult. Instead of back office IB tech he could go work for a funded startup or at one of the big tech co's. London has a tech scene and doing that will probably make him feel like he's doing more than supporting traders, he could still make good money and there's the small odds of making some money off of options. It could also put him on a better career path and he gets to say "I work for Apple/famous overvalued unicorn" instead of tech support. There's the grass is greener argument but it sounds like he doesn't like his professional life now anyway and it affects his personal world.
Posting about his self-perception of failure on a public forum likely won't help.
This suggests that you either have zero empathy or this is a troll post.
If it's the former, any advice we give you is like handing a screw driver to a toddler and expecting him to fix the car.
It reads more like the latter, as the tone has a certain 'testosterone-fueled swagger trying to walk in high heels' feel about it.
So you like him for who he is (insecure, depressed, etc), and you want to change him. Interesting
Nice try, good effort
While everyone has raised more or less valid ideas, I'd remind you that there is only so much that you can do for him. Unless he understands that he is obsessed/afraid of total bs in the grand scheme of things, you'll just spin your wheels.
.
Just remind him that you only have your job because of your looks/someone wants to have sex with you. Proceed to perform sexual favors.
This should work every time.
I'm so happy to see that WSO is accepting of openly gay members. Cheers!
I heteronormatively assumed OP was female. What was I missing?
EDIT: Actually, I assumed that OP was either female or just a male troll pretending to be female.
well statistically you would be correct. 90% odds, pretty much right?
A female on a trading desk, LMAO!
It's 2015. You're as likely to find spiderman as a girl or a gay dude.
muuup , I've learned something from relationships. It's that the change you want to see in another person often doesn't come until you're gone.
on my old trading desk there were quite a few females
word
Show appreciation. Tell him you love him.
Seconded.
Is WSO GLBT friendly?
This is obviously a guy posting who works in MO. Probably doesn’t even have a girlfriend.
Forget him, he’s a loser and date me -reaaaal khazak man!!!
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