How I have made my son the perfect Investment Banker
Let me begin by saying that when my son was born it was the fourth happiest day of my life. I immediately decided he would become a banker.
The Early Phase:
At age 3, I began by teaching my son basic arithmetic and beginning normal 1st grade coursework. Naturally, I was homeschooling him because banking was the end goal. By the time he was 12 He had completed the equivalent of 12 years of schooling and was showing mastery in Calculus and College level writing. However, when I became privy to the rampant Asian stereotyping and discrimination on Wall Street, I immediately renamed him Duke Wakefield and resolved to immerse him into traditionally WASP activities.
The Cultural Phase:
I began to discover that Banking was more than just numbers and words; it was camaraderie. It was at this stage that I undertook my first five-year plan: the cultural conditioning of my son. I sent him to golf classes, polo classes, and croquette classes. I even hired an etiquette coach to teach him the ways of high society. To my amazement I realized bankers tended to bond in some soldier-like manner during their stint. Therefore I began to train my son in a more and more unorthodox fashion.
I hired a PUA (pick-up-artist) to teach my son how to behave at bars, clubs and around women in general with the goal of sleeping with them. I discovered that the male who could sleep with the most women, and provide the most women to his co-workers would be the most revered. By this time my son was 16 and I needed to polish him further. I began to drink with him, sparingly at first, but more frequently as time went on. I taught him to pace himself, to enjoy every kind of liquor, high quality or low and sent him to multiple whiskey, beer and wine appreciation courses to develop his “soft” skills. I had dance teachers come in to teach him the finest of ballet and the lowest of “club grind dancing.” I hired the finest consultants to teach him about the inner workings of office politics and how to manipulate people to his advantage. He was taught by ex-associates how to become an associate, by ex-VPs how to become a VP and service clients and by ex-MDs how to move even further beyond. I trained him to function on 4 hours of sleep and still have a strict diet. In order to assure that, that wouldn’t affect his growth I gave him HGH.
In a sentence, I essentially told him that he must fake having fun, be interesting and engage in the office politics in order to rise through the ranks.
The Quantitative Phase:
After his 2400 and acceptance to Harvard (which was, incidentally, the third happiest day of my life) I knew I needed to do something to differentiate him from the pack. I knew however that the peasants in banking would not identify with such an individual and had him re-take the SAT and instructed him to aim for a 2200, which he got. I immediately signed him up for multiple financial modeling and advanced finance workshops and hired the most exclusive tutors to teach him bachelors and eventually masters level finance. While he studied I passed his resume from colleague to colleague, friend to friend and professional review agency to professional review agency. I then applied on his behalf to over 200 positions and secured an Investment Banking Internship for his freshman year summer, the second happiest day of my life. His manager would later tell him that he was “the finest intern we have ever gotten, and that includes all the Harvard MBA associates.”
The rest, as they say, is history…
P.S. As you can imagine, the day he got his full-time offer was the happiest day of my life.
sorry double.
Contender for worst post of 2012
Your english is too good for an actual fobby Asian dad.
I feel like puking after reading this
So tonight you were sleepless and made a fiction like this. Well done though. I immediately gave you a lot of credits once I saw the PUA being brought up. I saved this and will go through it later. Btw, the mother has been chosen or not?
@ OP See , this is a perfect example of what actual fobby grammar looks like (subject/verb tense jumbling , poor usage of idioms/articles/conjunctions etc).
Phew, thought I've been polishing my English skills all the way here.If I don't normally write this way, must be the "hangover fobby"
nicely done.
How much did Human charge for the PUA services if you don't mind me asking?
I lol'ed at this
I really pity your son. What an abusive father you are.
The part about starting school at 3, no big deal. However, the story started losing credibility when the OP said his son was excelling in college level writing despite homeschooling.
The biggest problem with homeschooling, particularly if it continued throughout high-school, is that often you struggle in your development of College level writing skills. I found that the biggest hurdle going from homeschooling back to mainstream education.
You might need embellish your story a bit more to include the part about hiring an english lit professor or something, while your son is about 10-12.
Also, you need to more adequately explain how, given the child was homeschooling and assumably had little time for sport between 3-12, how he dealt with picking up such a complex, dangerous sport as polo at 12, and furthermore, how he coped with studying sport between 12-16, but not picking up a textbook or going back to writing essays or doing calculus for presumably those 5 years, until he went and sat his SAT.
However, reasonable effort.
I think this actually has the potential to become a full length feature film.
Just imagine: Duke Wakefield, an FOB Asian kid raised by tiger parents is dropped into the Hamptons for the summer of his 18th year. Hilarity fucking ensues.
Nah, it would be Superbad all over again.
And the person who created this topic needs to find a purpose in life. I suggest to start smoking weed.
This sounds like a tragic comedy.
I would not want to work FO if this is what it takes. However, I would cut my hair and change my name.
Post forwarded to my film school friends.
I take back my comment from a while back.
This is now the most stupid post to squirt it's disgusting nut on WSO this year, by far.
Troll, pls pick up a less disgusting topic next time.
For some reason this seemed relevant:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2189877/Meet-Face-Kini-latest-c…
troll
We fired Duke three weeks ago. Besides, the kid wants to be an artist.
This is hilarious.
Polo? Screw that noise.
Get that kid a lacrosse stick. Harvard doesn't recruit for polo.
You could've made it more reasonable.. subtle trolling > obvious trolling
If this is a troll it's not very good, and if you're actually serious then this post is even worse. http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/25036270.jpg
Monkey shits? This post is great
In on EPIC thread
Aw, dad, get off the damn forums. It's not funny.
I think it would have been better if told from the point of view of the son and have him bitter and spiteful towards his mom. Also, it would need to be shorter.
I'd wait till one of Amy Chua's daughters is in rehab. That will be a much more compelling book.
I love how OP doesn't think that his "plan" for his son doesn't fit the azn stereotype. Your son could have probably been as or more successful (lol I'm playing into this) if you got him into a sport like baskeball or football (jeremy lin and hines ward people) and would have probably been a lot happier as well. Also you mentioned that there's an asian stereotype at colleges, and in case anyone actually buys into that, it doesn't work that way at all. Colleges don't care about perfect scores, I know a ton of asian kids with like 2100-2200 sat's and like 3.7+ GPA's at ivies granted that they did interesting things like travel, started a successful business, etc. Tbh I loled after reading but if any of this is actually true than your son is probably pissed he couldn't have become an artist or musician or something.
You forgot to talk about the time you bought him his first fleshlight and taught him how to use it.
Someone was bored at 4am last night... excellent use of time though, +1
Haha I love it! Hilarious post!
Dunno why you guys are upset. I liked the post.
Its cause there are so many Asians on this board. You should have seen the WSO conference; They're taking over. Its obvious they have no sense of humor (or strong social skills).
Can't. Stop. Laughing.
Wow, you are the one who has the gut to speak out the truth. Also, you think others not noticing?
Awesome - funniest post in a long time!
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