I have an inability to have fun/form positive relationships. Advice needed.

I know some of you guys are in the same boat as me. I don't work in IB, but my hours/workload is demanding. I cover 5 major cities and pretty much am always working less half of Saturday and Sunday so I am always thinking about work. Additionally I am prone to anxiety (genetic). To be honest I think I work so much to remove myself from reality due to my anxiety issues, but I don't mind it for the time being as I am learning a lot.

A brief story:
I was heading home from work one day and I struck up a conversation with someone who had a Ferrari. We talked about it and had a pleasant conversation. When I was walking away from our conversation I felt happy inside knowing I just had a great conversation with someone, but then I realized I haven't felt this feeling in years. Aside from some of my childhood friends I don't have any friend and nor have I had any fun this past year. I am lucky to have a large family because I use them as my social outlet, but still - in no way can I form a friendly relationship whether it is just friends or for a relationship. Regarding girls It's not that I am unattractive - i've never had a problem getting girls - I would say I am pretty damn good at it, but to keep it going is the hardest fucking thing. Also I just don't care about them. I've had multiple flings and everyone says the same thing - "you seem like you don't care" - and I fucking don't!

So I ask - how do you form relationships? Because I am on the path to a miserable existence. Has anyone ever changed this mentality?

 

first off... and this is important... don't jump off any buildings just yet..

secondly, you don't care - at all? about anyone or anything? Are you a robot? :)

Seriously though... It seems like you are doing alright (from an achievements point of view). start with being thankful for the things you have/had absolutely no control over but have gone right for you none-the-less..

 
Best Response

I feel you on this, or I suppose I should say I used to.

When I graduated college, I got a job in the closest city to me while all of my friends, minus one that I now worked with, scattered throughout the world - Austin, Philly, NYC, Virginia, Afghanistan, Mozambique, South Korea, etc. After six months, the friend I worked with went to NYC too, leaving me not only alone but the only one who didn't "move on." I didn't want to make friends because I didn't want to stay there, and didn't want a girlfriend for the same reason, so I spent a lot of time alone or with family and got my rocks off with loose women who weren't worth keeping around. "Pick up some hobbies" wouldn't have applied to me because I kept myself busy playing baseball, soccer, and video games while also reading and lifting weights. I was pretty content - I just hated my job and was incredibly lonely.

The reality is, it was my own damn fault that I was lonely and when all of my highschool friends got together for one of their weddings, my buddies called me out on it after a couple drinks at the pool. Apparently since graduation, these guys had been calling each other every couple weeks, going to visit every couple months, and I was universally considered the shit friend that didn't put any effort into maintaining relationships. It was pretty shocking. I was a networking ace at work, but in my personal life I pretty much just took it for granted.

So, I started calling them, and started calling my family more, and met a girl long distance and called her a lot and exchanged visits. Over about a year's time, not only did I become a better friend to my friends, but I became a much happier person too. Perhaps this is common sense to a lot of people, but it wasn't to me. I didn't value relationships until I saw what their value was.

I moved to a new city, moved in with my girl, and perhaps the most shocking - I made new friends, just by staying in touch and acting friendly. Met some people through ULI, met some people playing softball, met some people through my girlfriend, met some people at the gym, and have just been more open to it.

My advice is to be involved in things and go out of your way to be friendly. You might not care about these people at first, but that's the point, and they're probably in the same boat you're in. It's hard to make friends after college, and I'm sure it's not any easier for the people you're being friendly with. Go out for a beer or something.

Commercial Real Estate Developer
 
gatorman:

Out of SB's, but +1 on that. Might sound weird but after reading this post I think you and I have a lot in common both professionally and personally. Hope you wouldn't mind a PM to bounce some ideas off you?

I'm not sure if you both not liking other people is a good starting point for a friendship but I could be wrong haha.

I sort of feel the same eay some times though. It's really tough to make new friends after high school and college. Fortunately, I grew up near NYC so the bulk of my childhood friends aren't too far away. I really don't know what I would do if I moved to a different city. It almost feels like all the new friends I make later in life are for networking purposes and there is no sense of loyalty. I've also had a tough time becoming friends with people who don't binge drink.

 
CRE:

I feel you on this, or I suppose I should say I used to.

When I graduated college, I got a job in the closest city to me while all of my friends, minus one that I now worked with, scattered throughout the world - Austin, Philly, NYC, Virginia, Afghanistan, Mozambique, South Korea, etc. After six months, the friend I worked with went to NYC too, leaving me not only alone but the only one who didn't "move on." I didn't want to make friends because I didn't want to stay there, and didn't want a girlfriend for the same reason, so I spent a lot of time alone or with family and got my rocks off with loose women who weren't worth keeping around. "Pick up some hobbies" wouldn't have applied to me because I kept myself busy playing baseball, soccer, and video games while also reading and lifting weights. I was pretty content - I just hated my job and was incredibly lonely.

The reality is, it was my own damn fault that I was lonely and when all of my highschool friends got together for one of their weddings, my buddies called me out on it after a couple drinks at the pool. Apparently since graduation, these guys had been calling each other every couple weeks, going to visit every couple months, and I was universally considered the shit friend that didn't put any effort into maintaining relationships. It was pretty shocking. I was a networking ace at work, but in my personal life I pretty much just took it for granted.

So, I started calling them, and started calling my family more, and met a girl long distance and called her a lot and exchanged visits. Over about a year's time, not only did I become a better friend to my friends, but I became a much happier person too. Perhaps this is common sense to a lot of people, but it wasn't to me. I didn't value relationships until I saw what their value was.

I moved to a new city, moved in with my girl, and perhaps the most shocking - I made new friends, just by staying in touch and acting friendly. Met some people through ULI, met some people playing softball, met some people through my girlfriend, met some people at the gym, and have just been more open to it.

My advice is to be involved in things and go out of your way to be friendly. You might not care about these people at first, but that's the point, and they're probably in the same boat you're in. It's hard to make friends after college, and I'm sure it's not any easier for the people you're being friendly with. Go out for a beer or something.

Thanks CRE - that is pretty much spot on with my situation although as someone mentioned below your comment it may be a hint of narcissism.

I'm going to create an action plan because I have been a bad friend.

Thanks guys - it's amazing the good advice you can get on the internet haha

 

No worries.

As far as the "talked to a guy WITH A FERRARI" comment, it was a bit odd as I'm sure he had some other defining feature (you didn't ask him what he did for a living? totally would have like a little kid), but I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting relationships with successful people either. You get to choose your friends after all.

For reference too, calling up my male friends just to chat still feels weird, but the end results are worth it. It might not feel natural, but it'll work out.

Commercial Real Estate Developer
 

CRE's on point. Also, it sounds like you already know what the problem is:

Also I just don't care about them. I've had multiple flings and everyone says the same thing - "you seem like you don't care" - and I fucking don't!

Honestly I don't really have an answer for you. There's an old adage of "as without, so within".

Also notice that your only great conversation was with someone who had a Ferrari, which attracted your attention: you perceived that person to be on a higher level than you were.

Quick Disclaimer: What follows bellow isn't absolute. It's just a guess based off my own intuition and experiences, and to some extent your posting history.

Best piece of advice I can give you is that you need to figure out how to get the fuck over yourself. I've seen this a lot before(including some good friends) and it's generally either depression or a manifestation of narcissism. The reason you don't care about them is that you don't think they can do anything for you. It's not a good place to be and if for no other reason you should consider it because of the (few) extremely rich people I've gotten to know or meet none of the had an attitude where they only cared about people who could benefit them....although they are willing to call a spade a spade when they think they'd be wasting their time on someone, which isn't the same thing as not giving a shit about anyone else.

 

You felt euphoric after having a conversation with somebody you didn't even really know? My advice would be just to get out there and make a conscious effort to be a more social person, and the meaningful relationships will follow.

 

The reason I picked up on that is that "with a ferrari" was the guy's defining feature....he mentioned that but nothing else interesting about the guy. While there's nothing wrong with wanting relationships with successful people that isn't quite what I'm seeing: there's a difference between wanting to have meaningful relationships with successful people and "networking" where you just try to meet people who you think can give you something.

I will say that you shouldn't expect to care about people a lot right from the start. You need to develop some active listening skills (I can point you towards some resources if you don't want to look it up yourself) which isn't hard to do but takes a bit of time.

Here's something that should put things in perspective: I actually thought my wife was boring as shit the first time we met. I still decided to give her a chance because she seemed like a really sweet and caring person. Turns out my impression wasn't accurate because as I got to know her better and her friends/family told me more about her I just learned that she was always extremely reserved when talking to prospective boyfriends. She's still a very prim and proper, reserved personality on the whole but me thinking she was boring went away very quickly once she got comfortable around me and opened up a little bit.

So at the very least keep an open mind and give people a chance. Although it might feel good to be judgemental you never know for sure until you see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Sometimes they'll be much better than anticipated and other times someone you are impressed by will turn out to be a terrible human being; but that goes with the territory and I'd rather take my chances than stay in my bubble.

 

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