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1/4/13

Normally I wouldn't post something like this, but i'm at a point where I feel I NEED to vent and hear others opinions and there is no one in my real life I feel comfortable doing so to.

Disclaimer: I admit that a history of mental illness, suicide, and large scale depression is prevalent in my family. And it may be true that I just need to get drugged to high hell. I just haven't felt that I can admit that failure and see a doctor about this yet.

So, essentially, here is a TL;DR. I have been working AM for about a year and a half since graduation and make far more than enough money for my age. Yet, it's never enough and I can't stop spending I have piled up credit card debt on the back of large amounts of booze, toys, etc. I'm miserable at my work. I hate the job. I don't even work that long of hours (think around 55-60) and I dread it every day. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. A bed that I am consistently laying awake in most nights because of the awful insomnia i'm developing. I slept maybe 16 hours combined friday, saturday, sunday, and monday nights. I can't remember exactly how much because I was so drunk on friday and monday that I blacked out for much of the night. Saturday and Sunday I also drank, but managed to stay coherent enough to remember those days. My alcoholism is getting bad to teh point of waking up, having a drink before work, having a drink at lunch, and then spending most nights drinking heavily either by myself or at a bar trying to grab a poor soul to share my misery and some unfulfilling sex. I don't use drugs, but I'm strongly considering jumping into the habit. That leads into my inability to actually connect with other human beings. I'm callous to others situations and emotionally stunted myself. The last two females i've been involved with couldn't handle my co-dependency and depression and left me. The females who do seem to want to "save me" I want nothing to do with.

I'm in a situation where all my issues with work, boozing, insomnia, and connections to others is starting to stop me from functioning. I strongly considered suicide many times over the past 6 months. I even once pulled out the handgun I own, loaded it, and stuck it to my temple. Only do have the female I was involved with convince me otherwise. I spent yesterday fighting a hangover and feeling like my I was actually going legitimately crazy. To the point that I suicide, institutionalization, or generally dropping off the radar and heading to south america are my only options at this point in my life. I'm not sure how or why I am still alive or if I want to be a year from now. I certainly couldn't stand another year of my current existence. And I feel so isolated from the rest of the world that i'm not sure anyone or anything can help me.

I can't really explain my thoughts that well and I know this was rambling, but Ijust had to have some outlet and since I am a regular here (with a different username) this seemed as good as any.

Comments (106)

In reply to DonVon
1/9/13

OP, good luck and keep us updated.

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In reply to DonVon
1/9/13

DonVon:
assetmanager7:
Just as an update.

I started on lexapro today.


Remember these things take about 6-weeks to exhibit their full effects, and the run-up to the 6-week threshold can often be unpleasant for a lot of people. Try to tough it out if it sucks, but if it _really_ sucks, get in touch with your doc -- might not be the right drug for you.

Ya, right now it is unpleasant. I just feel extremely wired and restless. I'm having a hard time sitting at my desk and just feel like I need to run and run and run. But at least it's more motivation to get in the gym. That said, I read that it's not completely unheard of in the acclimation phase so not to worry about it now. So i'll stick it out for the two weeks before my next doctors appointment and address it then if it's still bad.

Also, I decided to take out an 18 month 401k loan to pay down my credit card debt. It's basically a way to consolidate my debt at a lower interest rate (the 401k loan rate is 4%) and I have credit card debt as high as 22%. Then the payments will automatically deduct from my pay checks so i'll never see it to spend it and If I keep my spending habits in check I hopefully won't get back in credit card debt.

In reply to assetmanager7
1/9/13

assetmanager7:
Also, I decided to take out an 18 month 401k loan to pay down my credit card debt. It's basically a way to consolidate my debt at a lower interest rate (the 401k loan rate is 4%) and I have credit card debt as high as 22%. Then the payments will automatically deduct from my pay checks so i'll never see it to spend it and If I keep my spending habits in check I hopefully won't get back in credit card debt.
that seems like a pretty smart way to go about it.

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In reply to SirTradesaLot
1/9/13

SirTradesaLot:
assetmanager7:
Also, I decided to take out an 18 month 401k loan to pay down my credit card debt. It's basically a way to consolidate my debt at a lower interest rate (the 401k loan rate is 4%) and I have credit card debt as high as 22%. Then the payments will automatically deduct from my pay checks so i'll never see it to spend it and If I keep my spending habits in check I hopefully won't get back in credit card debt.
that seems like a pretty smart way to go about it.

Ya, once I realized it was an option a lot of the weight I felt about it was lifted. It's a few hundred bucks out of each paycheck but It still keeps me well above my normal expenses. It also helps because I feel like it's a real step into making the debt go away as opposed to just see the balances go up and down monthly on my online accounts. And I also might pay off some early with my spring bonus and tax return.
In reply to assetmanager7
1/9/13

assetmanager7:
Also, I decided to take out an 18 month 401k loan to pay down my credit card debt. It's basically a way to consolidate my debt at a lower interest rate (the 401k loan rate is 4%) and I have credit card debt as high as 22%. Then the payments will automatically deduct from my pay checks so i'll never see it to spend it and If I keep my spending habits in check I hopefully won't get back in credit card debt.

This can be really smart, but recognize that it's also very risky, especially in light of your new drug regimen. You are going to have to be very self-aware for this to work.

Most personal finance "gurus" will actually advise against this course of action because of a debtor's natural proclivity toward acquiring more debt. Some look at it as a sort of quick fix "liposuction" solution - if you don't go through the pain of the weight loss, odds are you're gonna put the weight right back on. Same goes for debt.

I may have advised that you wait to do this until you're comfortable on your new meds (some of these prescription drugs actually list "impulse spending" as a side effect - true story), but now that you've done it enjoy the weight off your shoulders and concentrate on becoming completely debt free. There are a lot of financial advantages to doing what you did, not the least of which is the low-interest loan that you're essentially paying back to yourself. However, you have now committed to your job for the foreseeable future (at least for the term of the loan), so be aware of that. If you leave your employer for any reason, the balance of the loan is due and payable immediately or there are some horrendous tax consequences.

Glad to hear that you're snapping back quickly, and know that we're all pulling for you. As things improve, never forget the dark place you were in and keep yourself on the right track, bro.

In reply to Edmundo Braverman
1/9/13

Edmundo Braverman:
assetmanager7:
Also, I decided to take out an 18 month 401k loan to pay down my credit card debt. It's basically a way to consolidate my debt at a lower interest rate (the 401k loan rate is 4%) and I have credit card debt as high as 22%. Then the payments will automatically deduct from my pay checks so i'll never see it to spend it and If I keep my spending habits in check I hopefully won't get back in credit card debt.

This can be really smart, but recognize that it's also very risky, especially in light of your new drug regimen. You are going to have to be very self-aware for this to work.

Most personal finance "gurus" will actually advise against this course of action because of a debtor's natural proclivity toward acquiring more debt. Some look at it as a sort of quick fix "liposuction" solution - if you don't go through the pain of the weight loss, odds are you're gonna put the weight right back on. Same goes for debt.

I may have advised that you wait to do this until you're comfortable on your new meds (some of these prescription drugs actually list "impulse spending" as a side effect - true story), but now that you've done it enjoy the weight off your shoulders and concentrate on becoming completely debt free. There are a lot of financial advantages to doing what you did, not the least of which is the low-interest loan that you're essentially paying back to yourself. However, you have now committed to your job for the foreseeable future (at least for the term of the loan), so be aware of that. If you leave your employer for any reason, the balance of the loan is due and payable immediately or there are some horrendous tax consequences.

Glad to hear that you're snapping back quickly, and know that we're all pulling for you. As things improve, never forget the dark place you were in and keep yourself on the right track, bro.


Just to address the part about being tied to my job. I considered this before doing it and i'm still looking for new work. But if I take new work it'll be an opportunity i'm extremely excited and worth maybe losing some of my 401k base at this early stage of my career. It seems I essentially have to take the loan as income and pay the 401k early withdrawal tax if I leave and can't pay back within 60 days. But that's still probably preferable to the the 22% CC debt and I figure, if I move into another finance job, I can negotiate a signing bonus that covers it.
1/13/13

OP, you are not alone. If you're ever in NYC, shoot me a PM.

In reply to ScoobyDoobie
1/13/13

ScoobyDoobie:
I have rarely met anyone that was depressed without a drinking problem.

Nice to meet you :)

I hate victims who respect their executioners

4/19/13

Thought I would bump this and give an update. Not much has changed. The job search has gone pretty terribly and I still feel miserable daily. The lexapro helped to a point but made it basically impossible for me to have sex so I stopped taking it. I am drinking less in an effort to reduce the amount I spend but not that much less. And my debt is still a bad situation but my spring bonus (which I know the amount of but haven't actually gottten yet) will take care of most of it if I can stay out of debt. I did start a new relationship but she's as fucked up as I am and I think we just make each others problems worse. But she's hot and a great lay so I couldn't resist. I feel pretty trapped in that no matter what I do I can't seem to change my situation. But I am at least still around.

4/19/13

My man - cheer up. You have a hot gf, good lay, and good job. She's fucked up? Aren't they all? Don't stress to much about your debt, you have solid cf, you are young, and you are aware of spending habits. With respect to sleep - I personally feel your pain - I tend to average 4-5 hours a night. Be mindful that though sleep can be a detriment to happiness and performance, a lot of it is mental. Don't dwell on the amount of sleep you got, just do what you need to do.

4/19/13

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In reply to BlackHat
4/19/13

I'm just a humble clown. I juggle around just for a good laugh of yours.

In reply to assetmanager7
4/21/13

I hate victims who respect their executioners

6/3/13
In reply to CoochieMane
6/4/13
In reply to assetmanager7
2/24/14

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