I'm miserable and think i'm having a mental breakdown
Normally I wouldn't post something like this, but i'm at a point where I feel I NEED to vent and hear others opinions and there is no one in my real life I feel comfortable doing so to.
Disclaimer: I admit that a history of mental illness, suicide, and large scale depression is prevalent in my family. And it may be true that I just need to get drugged to high hell. I just haven't felt that I can admit that failure and see a doctor about this yet.
So, essentially, here is a TL;DR. I have been working AM for about a year and a half since graduation and make far more than enough money for my age. Yet, it's never enough and I can't stop spending I have piled up credit card debt on the back of large amounts of booze, toys, etc. I'm miserable at my work. I hate the job. I don't even work that long of hours (think around 55-60) and I dread it every day. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. A bed that I am consistently laying awake in most nights because of the awful insomnia i'm developing. I slept maybe 16 hours combined friday, saturday, sunday, and monday nights. I can't remember exactly how much because I was so drunk on friday and monday that I blacked out for much of the night. Saturday and Sunday I also drank, but managed to stay coherent enough to remember those days. My alcoholism is getting bad to teh point of waking up, having a drink before work, having a drink at lunch, and then spending most nights drinking heavily either by myself or at a bar trying to grab a poor soul to share my misery and some unfulfilling sex. I don't use drugs, but I'm strongly considering jumping into the habit. That leads into my inability to actually connect with other human beings. I'm callous to others situations and emotionally stunted myself. The last two females i've been involved with couldn't handle my co-dependency and depression and left me. The females who do seem to want to "save me" I want nothing to do with.
I'm in a situation where all my issues with work, boozing, insomnia, and connections to others is starting to stop me from functioning. I strongly considered suicide many times over the past 6 months. I even once pulled out the handgun I own, loaded it, and stuck it to my temple. Only do have the female I was involved with convince me otherwise. I spent yesterday fighting a hangover and feeling like my I was actually going legitimately crazy. To the point that I suicide, institutionalization, or generally dropping off the radar and heading to south america are my only options at this point in my life. I'm not sure how or why I am still alive or if I want to be a year from now. I certainly couldn't stand another year of my current existence. And I feel so isolated from the rest of the world that i'm not sure anyone or anything can help me.
I can't really explain my thoughts that well and I know this was rambling, but Ijust had to have some outlet and since I am a regular here (with a different username) this seemed as good as any.
Here's my $0.02:
I think you know what you need to do, you're just having trouble actually doing it. The first thing you have to do is just quit drinking. Trust me, this isn't something you jut grow out of and it's amplifying every other real or perceived problem you have in life and causing more problems. Just quit drinking for the rest of this week and see how it feels. Plan some activities that don't involve alcohol (play basketball or go to a movie).
If you still feel suicidal call for professional help.
My guess is that the wreckless spending and other problems go away if you quit drinking. You will also be able to think more clearly about your career, but that shouldn't even be a primary or secondary concern right now.
I see the drinking more as a side effect than a cause, though. The problems at work/girls/my thought pattern were manifested before I was drinking as much as I am. And while the drinking may be making it worse, it's not as if I think I was better off beforehand. I was in credit card debt before the drinking got as bad as it did. The only reckless thing I spend on when drunk but not sober is like rounds of shots for people i'm with. Otherwise the ski trip, motorcycle, new clothes, electronics etc happen while sober as well. I think a lot of that actually stems from feeling I have some sort of image to uphold to my friends, most of who are kind of losers.
Also, i don't really want to focus on the suicidal part. While I could eventually do it, I haven't yet so it's not as if it's going to happen tomorrow.
no offense, bro, but it doesn't look like they're the losers here. you need to reevaluate your shit. good luck.
Get help asap. Doesn't have to be a drug pushing MD, even just talking to someone on a regular basis who can add perspective and set goals is a good start.
Take a few months off and go volunteer or something? It should help you "find yourself" and what you really want to do. I am sure your employer will understand if you consult a psychiatrist and get him/her to recommend to them?
I really doubt I could leave this job for a few months and get it back or even a similar job back in high finance aftewards. And the thought of essentially ruining my career at such a young age seems extremely daunting.
Also, I'll throw you an SB for every day this week you don't drink. Start with this one.
Jesus, man. Good luck with all that.
Edit: Think about taking a week off to do some hiking or trailing. It's cold as fuck, but that'll definitely sober you up.
Most important thing is to stop drinking and talk to a therapist or psychiatrist. Next, find out what makes you happy in life and pursue it. If it's not money and the line of business you're in, drop it! There are changes you need to make in your life that need addressing asap. A therapist or psychiatrist can help you face these issues head on to make you a better and happier person.
Isn't the drinking / insomnia caused by the depression at work?
Sorry to hear about your situation which is far more common than you probably realize. As mentioned above, alcohol, as a depressive, is certainly not helping your psychological state and is more than likely making it worse. You should take a week off from work, schedule an appointment with your doctor and candidly discuss how you are feeling (no shame in that). You seem to be against medication despite your family history but you should strongly consider how it may help your quality of life before dismissing it whether it would be a temporary fix or more permanent solution. Once you get some of these issues under control you should focus on your hobbies and passions. Maybe you like to play basketball, soccer, the gym, etc. Do more of those activities and possibly find a way to volunteer. Nowhere does it say that you should be constantly happy as life is a struggle and a job is a job but you should find ways to make life more manageable and enjoyable.
Hope you can find some peace in 2013.
Get rid of the gun.
Instead of spending money on material things & alcohol, save for a long trip to a different country to fight the addictions.
Get professional help and get on some antidepressants or something.
Like SirTradesAlot said, if you lay off the booze for a while things will get better. When I read this, the drinking was the main problem that stuck out to me i.e. the source. You have to quit it.
Very rarely will I let on about my personal life on this site, because it has been horrific, but I can tell you (from my experience) that there is nowhere to go. The drugs would make things worse. The drinking will make things worse. You will continue to spiral, but never hit the ground. IMO "rock bottom" does not exist, and neither does the opposite. You can constantly work toward either, but I think you will find that it just never happens for you. Eventually, you realize that there is no point in continuing what you are doing, and the 'real you' will be outraged with the false illusion you created for yourself. Suicide will seem like a trivial means to an end. Instead of continuing to drunkenly spiral, take a moment, day, week, to re evaluate what you are doing and WHY. You may be surprised by your own strength.
Best Wishes
Honestly, your not there yet to quit drinking. You haven't realized that it is a problem and justify your drinking habits. I would say that you come from a family of alcoholics due to the fact that they all have depression. I have rarely met anyone that was depressed without a drinking problem. Alcohol causes depression, depression rarely causes alcoholism. I drank heavily from 18-26, 5-7 days a week (15-20+ drinks a night). No one can help you but yourself. For some reason one day I just said fuck it and quit cold turkey (with benzos, and weed). Haven't look back yet. Also, go get the book "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking" by Alan Carr. It has nothing to do with the AA shit but something just clicked when I read it, and I only drink once a month if that nowadays. No one can help you but yourself, you either want it or you don't. You may need to axe all of your friends but friends come and go, you only have one life that we know of but desperate times call for desperate measures. When I stopped drinking massive amounts, all of my depression and anxiety attacks stopped cold. Stop justifying your drinking and quit today.
And i'm not trying to justify my drinking. My only point is that i'm fairly certain the other problems came before the heavy drinking and they caused the drinking as a way to cope. Not vice versa.
Drinking can definitely be a symptom, not a cause. Not to encourage it, but I think ending your self-medication cold turkey like others have suggested may make things worse, not better. I would talk to a doctor first before changing your daily routine.
I can't pretend to know your situation, but if the depression doesn't seem to have a root cause (i.e., things in your life are seemingly good but you still feel consistently unhappy, even when doing the things you used to enjoy), then I wouldn't wait to see a mental health professional. This doesn't sound like something that a change of scenery will fix.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and I hope things get better. Just know that you don't have to go through this alone. It takes more guts to ask for help from others than it does to try to fight it by yourself, but you won't regret it.
Nice to meet you :)
what does this mean? if you are clinically depressed as well, depression must be some trait only quality people have then. ---- A fellow non alcoholic depression club member.
Workout. See gains. --> Stop drinking and happy with oneself.
It's a big step being able to even type that down and acknowledge your misery (semi) publicly. Things I would add to the above posters: 1) Know that you are a not alone - a lot of people (more than you probably realize) have been there before. It's terrible and dark and empty, but it's not terminal. 2) Get help ASAP. Search your firm's health plan for someone, anyone who you can talk to. It may seem completely unfruitful but I guarantee you it is worth it. If the first professional doesn't help, find another one. Don't give up. 3) Seriously, seriously, seriously get rid of the gun. Please.
It gets better, dude, I promise.
From reading your responses so far it sounds a lot like you're trying NOT to put any blame on the drinking, which is an issue. Read back over what you have written, realise the alcohol is clearly not helping you in ANY way, and give it up. Oh, and get rid of the gun.
Best of luck in 2013.
Why are you so miserable? Why are you in so much debt? Why do you spend so much money on unnecessary things? Why do you hate the job so much? What's keeping you up at night, why can't you sleep? Why are you drinking so much?
You wrote a lot in your OP but didn't really give any insight into why all these things are happening (and i mean really why). I don't think we have the full story. Really think about the questions I listed above and let us know.
I agree with people who recommend to stop drinking and get rid of the gun. You might not think the drinking contributes to the issues, but it sure doesn't help.
I tell myself I hate my job for so many different reasons. It doesn't challenge me, it is boring, I am a useless cog in a machine, etc. I am in debt because I tell myself spending more will make me feel better. I'll feel better about myself if I have more things, others will like me more if I flash money, riding around in a motorcycle and having that adrenaline rush will make me feel alive and forget about everything else. Same for the insomnia. It's because i'm generally running through things in my head from why am I here, why am I continuing to put up with this, why aren't I good enough for my ex, why can't I share meaningful connections, why don't I have a job I like more, why am I not in better shape, etc. And the drinking tends to be a way for me to forget about those things. I stop thinking so much with the drinking. Time goes by faster, I focus more on just talking to others and experiencing the time i'm in, I have less anxiety and become more confident and happy with myself.
All in all, like i've alluded to, I think a lot of it is that I feel i'm legitimately going crazy. Also, as far as the insomnia goes, I find time where it gets really bad is the times when I feel the worst. I went 40 or so hours without any sleep whatsoever last week and couldn't have felt worse about myself or gotten myself to do anything but lay in bed, wrap my head in a pillow, and blare some alice in chains.
I don't generally participate in these forums much, but this caught my eye because a friend of mine was basically going through the same thing a couple weeks ago. She snapped out of it after we discussed her feelings. There's always an underlying cause to everything, even though it takes some time and thought to get to.
The irony here is that you feel lonely and that you can't "share meaningful connections", but really you're just like everyone else. You hate your job, you're bored, you're still looking for that special someone, you drink to get away from your problems, you spend more money than you have, etc. You really have the exact same issues as the vast majority of people. Don't fall into the "special snowflake syndrome" and think no one understands you.
Start trying to focus on the positives in your life. Even with all this negative stuff you've written, I can spot some good things, that's truly saying something. You're starting to realize what everyone on wall street eventually realizes: you sacrifice everything to get a high paying job and make more than you need, but it really doesn't mean shit or lead to more happiness. But everyone is still reluctant to give up the crappy job.
What are some things you like to do? (other than drinking) I'm sure there are other things you enjoy that get your mind off stuff
to echo, regardless of the underlying situation, the booze is the main problem right now. have been in the situation before and had the same attitude re cause and effect along with horrible insomnia. stop for two weeks. even if you're just boozing heavily three nights in a row, it'll be a rocky few days without you even knowing it really. after you get through the strange booze anxiety, you'll be amazed how level-headed you become and how much of that internal brain noise goes away without it feeding on alcohol. if booze isn't the problem, as you say, then not drinking for two weeks shouldn't be an issue and you can see if it works for you. at the end of two weeks, re-evaluate and see if you need more help.
Just stop the drinking and think of how fortunate you are right now. You have a great job with good pay Ina good part of the world. A lot of people on this earth are born into poverty with no possibility of making ends meet or ever having the opportunities you have. Don't destroy your life quit the booze.
I agree that he should tone down the drinking and take a few weeks off from any drinking at all.
However, the rest of your post is essentially "why are you upset, think of the starving children in Africa!" That sort of mentality more or less means you can never really complain about anything. No, he's not starving and out of work, but problems are all relative, and OP's current situation is definitely rough.
OP - definitely cut the booze at least for a bit. I've never been down in the dumps to that degree, but I even find myself reflecting after weekend benders and feeling like "uh, what the hell just happened? I spent how much on Saturday?!?" It's easy to make jokes about that sort of thing, but obviously it can become destructive.
My advice is as follows:
--Cut drinking out for a few weeks, will help give you some perspective. If you find yourself craving a beer, instead have a water / diet coke or something.
--Pick up a new hobby. It can be just about anything. Reading, creative writing, learn to DJ, study a language, wood working, any number of things. If you have something constructive to throw yourself into, you'll feel good. Plus, a cool hobby is a great conversation starter and a great way to make yourself more interesting. You'll feel more productive and people will be impressed. A win-win.
--Note: Don't pick a hobby or activity because you think it'll impress others. I'm only saying that people will generally be impressed no matter what it is because seemingly so few people actually do interesting things with their free time. Generally, people go to work during the week, then get hammered Thursday - Sunday, rinse, repeat. I'm startled at times by how even the most basic hobbies impress people. "You write? WOW! That's AWESOME!" as though I wrote the Gettysburg Address.
--Cancel that trip you were going to take. That just sounds like non-stop drinking and partying. Not exactly what you need right now.
Things will get better. Seriously. You're young and have a good job with plenty of time to clean up some of the issues you're dealing with right now.
Gee, that's fucking helpful.
Moron.
While likely well intentioned, I disagree with this post. Hapiness is largely internal and your external environment plays only a small role. Above a basic level of subsistence, your hapiness is largely independent of your physical surroundings, level of wealth, etc. I am positive that there are plenty of people in third world villages that are far happier mentally than a decent chunk of the elite finance professionals in manhattan. Also, it is so easy to tell another to quit something flat than it is to actually do it. Addiction is a very difficult thing to conquer with the snap of a finger, especially when it is used as a coping mechanism.
OP, I would suggest to moderate the drinking as best as possible, but not try to quit completely right away. Maybe make some sort of "schedule" that gradually reduces the amount of alcohol intake, and use rewards and punishments to enforce it (which don't involve alcohol). Perhaps get someone you trust to make sure you're following it. And like others have said, throw away any firearms immediately.
This is very astute advice. I think it is necessary that you quit but you have to be very careful. Alcohol withdrawal is the only substance withdrawal that CAN KILL YOU. Opiate withdrawal, while extremely painful, is not deadly. Alcohol withdrawal can result in seizures and death. Either ween yourself off over 2-3 days, or have professional help where they will give you drugs, probably benzodiazipines that will get your body through the danger zone.
are you gonna cancel the trip and come clean to your pals, or what?
as soon as you admit to them, you'll see that no one gives a fuck about how much of a boss you're supposed to be - they have their own shit to deal with.
by the way, you probably make everyone else feel like crap because of how you spend your money - considering they're "losers" it probably gets pretty frustrating on their part.
This. Everyone. EVERYONE has their own shit to deal with. Some worse than others, but everyone has some shit. People just don't like talking about it. But, I bet as soon as you do, your friends will understand and, if anything, tell you that they've got shit they deal with as well. You're definitely not alone.
This is absolutely when I feel like things like Facebook are poisonous. If you've got crap in your life like the OP does and you spend even a second on Facebook, you'll end up feeling like the only person on Earth with problems. Only, that's not the case, but no one posts anything "real" on the book.
I'm pretty impressed by the outpouring of support from the community. Nicely done, WSO. Now it's up to the OP to listen, and get his life back on track.
I've gone through a lot of shit, and honestly never imaged I could have gotten to where I am today. One thing I'll say, life is all about momentum. It can move in either direction, and once it gets started, it's hard to break free. When you are locked in that downward spiral, you feel powerless to do anything other than the same old destructive routine, day after day. It takes courage and strength to bust out of those patterns. It takes a lot of willpower, but it can be done. Remind yourself that it is possible to have momentum in the opposite direction, where success begets success, and your confidence keeps growing as you achieve things one by one. You have to start small, see that it feels good to make changes, and keep building on them. If you really want it, I know that you can get there.
This, a thousand times this. Everyone just posts a highlight reel of their life - perfect photos with their significant others, crazy parties, extravagant meals, picturesque vacations. Everyone assumes that they are missing out because their lives aren't as great as the ones portrayed on their newsfeed day after day. It's such a facade, a self-perpetuating cycle of insecurity and anxiety.
honestly, significantly slow down (not saying 'quit') drinking and start exercising, running, and eating healthy. you'll be surprised...
honestly, significantly slow down (not saying 'quit') drinking and start exercising, running, and eating healthy. you'll be surprised...
I dunno if this will help you, but when I need to get my shit together I start by making a list of simple things I can do that day to get me on the right track. Simple goals like "I am going to lose 15 pounds" never work have never worked for me, but if I start with writing down "I will not eat anything sweet today besides my latte" that is doable and can physically check off the list (which I keep in a very obvious place). Eventually, as you gain more confidence and feel more in control, you can make goals that extend farther in the future and are more difficult. Why not start by resolving to drink/spend no more than Y today, then 0.95xY tomorrow, and so forth...
While I'm not religious, you need to start going to church. Pastors exist specifically for these problems; I'd recommend a Calvinist one.
LOL best comment wish i had a sb to share.
OP,
I've been there. I came back from the Gulf War with a head full of snakes and thought about suicide all the time. It might not be something you ever get over; I still find the thought appealing from time to time. Shortly after I got back I got hired as a stockbroker (when that still meant something). After about six months I started making bigger money than anyone in my family ever had. On balance, it was not a good thing. My drinking accelerated to a pretty dangerous level, and I introduced recreational drug use - something I hadn't tried up to that point.
Management at the firm I worked for were total pricks whose guiding principle was to get the lower-level guys buried in debt so they'd be chained to their desks and couldn't bolt the firm. I bought it hook, line, and sinker and leveraged myself to the tits. Five figures a month and living paycheck to paycheck. My first decent paycheck I went out and bought not one, but two brand new vehicles on the same day and fucking smiled as I took all that depreciation up the tailpipe when I drove off the lot.
My mailbox was stuffed with credit card offers and I took all of them up on it. I used to have a favorite card with sailboats on it that I would use every day for my happy hour bar tab. It still boggles my mind that I could rack up $125 bar tabs at fucking happy hour four days a week (only four because Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays went to a whole other level). And this was back in '93.
The debt was absolutely crippling, and when I finally maxed everything out and had to stop, it took me five solid years to dig out of all of it. In the meantime I got divorced, ratcheted my drinking up even more, and even toyed with the idea of homelessness at one point - all while making over $10,000 a month. Instead I opted for a place one step removed from a flophouse at $300 a month just so I'd have a place to hang my suits.
Everyone who is telling you to cut out the booze has good intentions - and they're right - but they just don't realize how impossible that is for some people. It certainly was for me. I crashed and burned through a number of relationships and even another marriage while riding the wrecking ball that was my life. But I eventually mastered high-functioning alcoholism, to the extent such a thing can actually be mastered, so things evened out for me after a while.
I've enjoyed a lot of success in my life; certainly more than I've deserved. But many of the same things you're feeling have accompanied me the whole way. I'm better now (relatively speaking), and I credit most of that to finding a woman who was able to accept me the way I am and not try to change me. You say you're having relationship issues. If you are in fact like me, you will continue to have them until you find someone who is not judgmental and loves you for who you really are (which is rare, but I managed it), or someone who is just as fucked up as you are (which is not a good idea, really).
In the meantime, here's a nickel's worth of free advice: You're in a hole - quit fucking digging. The booze might be with you the rest of your life (hopefully it won't and/or won't be a problem). But there is no excuse for debt. Between the two, spending is far easier to quit and has more immediately tangible benefits. Check out the Debt Snowball and slay that fucking dragon. Doing so will open up your options and enable you to get away from a job you hate.
As for thoughts of suicide, I always used good old Marine Corps gallows humor to keep them in check. We used to say, "Look on the bright side. Tomorrow's gonna be even worse." Not sure if an attitude like that will work for you, but it did for me. Sometimes I think I hung in there just to see how fucked up things could get. Whatever gets you through, keep this in mind: it's helpful to have someone to talk to who's been through it. So feel free to PM me anytime if you need to.
Probably shoulda kept those parts out...
Yup.
I smiled at the last line in this post. It's one of those things that you think about as being so dreadful but makes you laugh at the same time.
I'll say, I definitely relate to a lot of the things in here. The suicide thing is interesting as I wonder if I'll always have those thoughts as well. It always makes me wonder if my feelings of hopelessness are something that will be here forever and I just need to get over them. And in that case it feels like just another goal that I can't seem to accomplish. That's part of my thought process at this moment.
I'm luckily not as in debt that I am yet worried about homelessness or anything that you are talking about, but I am bad enough off that I took out a cash advance last month to pay my absurdly high rent last month and still be able to max out my credit card on christmas gifts. It's weird because I didn't even think about it being this bad until I started posting this thread. It's certainly gotten to a point that I didn't realize was even possible for me.
I don't think the booze is impossible to cut out. What I do think is that I can't go out and have fun with out it. If I don't go out and drink one of two things happens. 1) I go out and don't drink. I end up spending the entire time looking around wondering why everyone looks so happy and is having fun and i'm sitting there miserably. Or 2) I sit at home and just think about how shitty I feel the entire time. Both just make me feel worse. That's really where I feel my dependency comes in. Not as much at the base craving level. For instance, I haven't drank today, have no beer in my apartment, and won't be able to buy any because my credit card has almost exactly the amount of money left on it before maxing out to pay my rent that is due by the end of the week.
Jesus that debt stuff is worse than I realized. But that brings me to part of the reason I also haven't seen the doctor. I'm concerned with paying co-pays/prescriptions/etc. I have a medical plan that isn't exactly very good.
As far as the female stuff. I feel like that's been increasingly getting worse and has been on my mind more and more. I can't hide my crazy long enough for anyone to be dumb enough to marry me and then go through divorce. I have had my share of females who "want to fix me" but I generally push them away because I can't handle how condescending it feels and/or how it tends to "bruise my ego" for lack of a better term. I often wonder if I could just find a female who legitimately loved and understood where i'm coming from if many of my destructive thoughts would go away. And the joy of being able to sleep with random girls is almost non-existent these days. And when I do it, it's far more about making sure I have the ability to still pull and less about the act itself.
I will say, your post made me feel better knowing that you have a lot of the same feelings and seem to have found some peace. But I also couldn't help the thought of "shit, he was way more successful than I am, how do I make that happen?"
That part is simple, believe it or not.
You just have to ignore all of your other problems while they get worse and convince yourself that money will fix them when it won't. At least that's how I did it.
Its pretty scary to admit you have a drinking problem because then you have to give up the thing that is sedating you and allowing you not face your other problems. Since the other stuff is less in your control (or you havent gotten to the root of the other issues yet) you have to start with the things that are n your immediate control - not necessarily in any kind of chronological order of how you got to your current position.
Frankly even the fact that drinking is not making the problems any better is reason enough to stop in itself. You dont have to figure out whether the chicken or the egg came first; its kind of irrelevant. The point is that the drinking is making everything else worse.
Some of this might work.
all the best :)
At least you have a job !
Sorry to hop on the quitting drinking bandwagon, but I've found that is extremely helpful. I've had a couple of friends get their issues (depression, bipolar, etc) under control by quitting drinking, as well as myself. I know it's a symptom of the issue at first, but then it starts becoming part of the problem as time goes on. It didn't seem like it in my late teens/early 20s, now in my mid 20s it is readily apparent.
Check your PMs, OP.
First of all, bravo OP! You are very honest with yourself - an extremely good sign of curability. There are so many lunatics who haven't even realized/admitted their problems (much more serious than yours), and I have no doubt you will be fine.
But I am not sure if this is the best place to confess and seek comfort. We love to hear great stories, especially from well-intentioned people like those in your thread. But at this point, you need to maintain focus solely on YOU, i.e. stop comparing yourself with others. Haven't you realized that comparison is useless and disturbing, because you always tend to overemphasize your shortcomings?
So action plan: close the fucking FB, LinkedIn, Twitter pages, turn off your laptop, beat yourself like Edward Norton in Fight Club if you want and, go seek professional help first thing tomorrow.
P.S. have you talked with any counselor before? The probability of meeting a good-looking girl with tremendous amount of compassion is actually VERY HIGH. Good luck.
Jesus fuckin Christ. I don't even know where to begin with this.
Just wanted to urge OP to seek help from professionals (not only counselor), and it seemed to work.
This statement might be true at my school where I was a volunteer counselor for one semester but I don't know elsewhere and I certainly don't want OP to create any false expectation (and others, don't misinterpret).
So, I had a long conversation with my ex last night. And per her prodding I made a doctors appointment this morning (for tomorrow). I also didn't drink last night but instead downed about 20 diet cokes and played Halo.
I agree with a lot of you that I think the FB/WSO/ETC things in my life have led to me feeling more miserable. But it's also helpful to hear others reach out and to realize that i'm not the only one who has faced many of these issues. This thread, whether people realize it or not, has been immensely helpful in just bringing me back to ground a little bit. I feel a little less like i'm spiraling out of control today than I did on Tuesday. I'm in a situation where It's gotten to the point where I feel like i'm forcing myself to take steps through life that are expected of me from others, that I expect of myself, that seems normal, etc. It's almost like i'm begrudgingly living life. My ex thinks that I just need to suck it up and realize that it's not "failure" to get on some medication, especially with my family history. Apparently i'm the only one in my family not on either an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.
So i'm going to hit up the doctor and see if that helps. And i'm going to reach out to an alum I know to try and see if I can make a move into something that I think might be more intellectually stimulating. The spending is an issue and I really don't know if I can cancel that March trip. But i'm planning on taking my tax return and spring bonus and using them to only pay off debt and hopefully try to budget more appropriately. It's small steps and if I start feeling worse I'm not sure I can keep it up. But at least today, in large part to WSO, I feel like I can make some positive steps forward.
My $.02
1 - Ditch the gun, yesterday. 2 - Cut down on the amount of drinking. 3 - It's good that you opened up on here, but you have to continue to do so with people who are willing to listen to you.
Glad to hear you are going to see the Doc also man! Keep posting the positives for us.
I closed my Facebook account for about 3 months during recruitment. Despite the stress associated with absolutely having to convert my interviews, it was an extremely positive three months -- ones that were not spent refreshing my News Feed or swiping the Facebook app on my phone.
When I bit the bullet and went back to the 'Book, the comparisons and anxieties started right on schedule. Facebook really is a pretty destructive e-peen showcase, and I think a lot of people -- myself included -- would benefit in MANY ways from closing their accounts. Tough to do, but probably worth it.
The problem is "reactivating" your account is just as easy as signing back on. Facebook isn't stupid.
But I agree, Facebook has probably caused more harm than good. I've done a bunch of things including changing my name, profile picture, etc. Still isn't the same though. I would honestly pay a small sum to simply never see the mini-feed ever again.
My New Years res: cut that Facebook shit out. Total waste of my time, somebody already said it, but it's a highlight reel, nobody's life is that great, etc etc.
Drinking is a weird thing, in that nobody will admit that it gives as much as it takes away. For most people, drinking in moderation has some social benefits that outweigh the costs. For some people, that equation flips and drinking starts taking away more than it's giving out. For me, I think drinking has "jumped the shark" so to speak - less has become more. It's hard to balance things out, I feel the OP on this one, and Eddie's comments on drinking over time have become more and more relevant.
Sometimes I feel lucky I don't like the taste of alcohol.
Debt - I would suggest you contact an attorney to discuss your financial situation/credit card debt. Depending on the state in which you reside, there are many alternatives to debtors that can alleviate the impending financial strains/prevent harassment from creditors.
As others have said, it would be best to seek professional help. Set aside a small amount of money to use for an appointment with a psychiatrist. They will be able to delve into the issues much more significantly than we can.
I did make a doctors appointment so we will see how that goes. That shit is so awkward, though. I told the nurse while making the appointment that it was just general fatigue.
As for the people talking about my "sick" job. It's definitely a good job than most have. I made less than 6 figures in my first year, but not much less. And 60 hrs isn't bad. I realize i'm objectively doing well, I just can't shake the way my thoughts are shaping me. And i'm extremely bored at this job. I would give up a lot of money to have a job where I was excited to be at and challenged daily.
Honestly bro, grow a pair and stop being such a pussy!.
You have a sick job (by the sounds of it) which 95% of the unemployed contributors on this forum would suck a left nut for.
You just need to re-evaluate what you want/need. First thing is first, STOP the boozing, you need to make these decisions on a clear mind.
Second, look at the pro's in your life, you getting paid handsomely and only working 60hrs/week. I'll take that trade any day (depending on what your definition of 'good money is') you have a bunch of toys, go out and use them!
Third, sit down and figure out (this can't be done over night) what you want, short-term, medium-term, long-term.
As for the in-term insomnia, go to the gym and run your ass off,get a personal trainer to put you through your paces, which will get you tired. So tired that when you get home you just want to collapse into bed. The next day you will be soar, physically exhausted, but your mind will remain sharp.
That is what I did when I worked 70+ hr weeks in IB. I am no juice monkey by any means, but you need an outlet, a consistent, positive reinforcing outlet.
Realistically, this isn't a overnight fix. Small steps. Bottom line, go to the gym 5 times a week and get a trainer, which will motivate you, give you goals outside of work, improve your body image, self-esteem, clear your mind.
That's what you need right now.
I would like to first congratulate you on having the courage to open up to WSO and taking some positive steps forward. Sharing some of your own personal problems openly on the internet is not easy.
I would first recommend you to get rid of your firearm. The fact that this is in your life and has already been brought out as an option to end your life is only a negative object. You should also try to cut down on drinking. I've seen my depressed friends do absolutely ridiculous things when they were under the influence And it endangered all of our lives in a serious and not fun kind of way. I would also reassess the habitual use of drugs. In your post it seems that you are not referring to anti-depressants but to street drugs, but I'm not too sure. I would tell you that by going down this dark path, you will ruin your life. The habit is extremely expensive and it will change you as a human being, and it will easily double your debt. I've seen people at my former workplace lose their job over drugs. What will you be willing to do when you lose your job and have a dependency on drugs and alcohol?
I would take time off and reassess my life. What is important to me and what do I want out of life? Who do I want in my life and how can I strengthen/create my bonds to them? There isn't a quick fix to your situation because simply boosting your self-esteem is not going to be enough. You need to seek professional help and stick to the program/therapy that they will put you in. Stay strong and true to yourself and change will come from within. You can always blame your family, job, environment, but if you can't change yourself then you will be in a similar position in the future.
I went through a pretty bad episode a few years ago. It turned out I was just lonely. It took a whole lot of thinking and introspection to figure that out. But I took it one day at a time and somehow managed to push through it. The key was convincing myself that life would get better and, in the end, it did.
Hi assetmanager7 - my thoughts:
Most, if not all, of "us" are deranged, depressed, angry, suicidal ect - you are the norm not the exception. Secondly, with regards to the suicidal state of mind - consider the world in this manner. You have decided not to kick the stool and therefore anything you do from this day out is free roll to the scoop. You have debt? F it, whats the worse that can happen - you don't pay? You have girl issues? F it (literally), don't actively seek a relationship - hang out with your friends, meet other girls, F other girls and everything will fall into place. You ex? F her, why maintain communication? There is no such thing as a platonic relationship...
Many people will state "be happy you have a job". F them, your company certainly isn't a charity organization and they do not pay you for lost value. Feel entitled, you worked hard to get where you are. Your boss, your co-workers - none of them are doing you any favors, you earn your bread and you make your bed.
Once you understand this sentiment that you are essentially free rolling (sorry for both poker analogies), then you can move onto the next hand. Convert this state of depression into a state of anger / hunger. You will see weaknesses in others, exploit those weaknesses, feed off of those who are weak. Consider their aurora as a sense of ATP, kinetic energy, potion (what ever you want to call it) and become stronger in all facets.
Finally, viciously and inexorably, promote your self interest. This may sound to Ayn Randish but selfishly pursue your own value. I personally get no value from drinking (i think you all can assume my vice), partying, or even vacationing. I get a sense of euphoric through accomplishments (i.e cfa, mba, snatching 225 ect). Find what you value most and relentlessly seek that pleasure.
In summary, misery loves company and I think you found the breeding ground of non-normal individuals. If you do end up taking your life, do it in a noble manner. Go out as a hero, leave your last name as a proud remembrance, die in the name of saving a hostage, rescuing sex slaves, discovering a pharma conspiracy ect.
join a support group, if you are having problem with connecting with others as you call it, it will do you some good if you can find places where others and yourself are suffering the same problem and can vent and help each other in person
Truly, having a stimulating job and a loving community will make a difference. In my opinion, you definitely seems to be looking for a life change. With time I believe it will come as you progress towards it one day at a time. But always seek others advice, as other perspectives are really eye opening sometimes and very fruitful. And always remember how far you have come, how easy it would be to quit now, but how much harder it is to actually continue. Reap the benefits of the future, reflect on the pass after this is over, share your story on how you overcome a seemingly endless road. Then remember to smile, for a smile, whether it be yours or others, and if genuine, will always brings happiness. God Bless you and be with you.
OP - Kudos to you for taking the initiative to honestly evaluate your situation. Honest self-assessment is a really fucking hard thing to do and quite a few people are unwilling or unable to do it. Good luck at your doctor's appointment. Keep in mind that they will have heard stories and seen people in far worse states than you. They are there to help you, not judge you. If you go in and see a general practice doctor (which you probably will for "general fatigue") he will probably recommend you see a mental health specialist. While a GP doctor will have some idea and training on how to deal with mental health issues, it won't be his specialty. Don't be discouraged if your initial visit doesn't seem all that worthwhile. If he refers you to someone else... go! Psychologists and psychiatrists have 4+ additional years of training dealing specifically with mental health. Don't worry too much about psychologist vs. psychiatrist. Psychologists can't subscribe meds, but they can easily refer you to a psychiatrist who can if it seems prudent.
In the mean time, try to be cognizant of the fact your mental state right now is temporary. When in a depressive mood it is hard to remember that. Everyone has ups and downs, and right now you've been down for awhile. You can and will feel better in the future.
Keep your head up. Do you have Netflix? Check out the documentary "Happiness."
Good luck to you.
Go to an AA meeting... now, not later not tomorrow, right now and tell them you need a sponsor. Look it up on the internet. There is ALWAYS a meeting somewhere in Manhattan. If you're employer is large enough, they are REQUIRED to offer you an opportunity at a rehab facility. There are many good ones available. Many people try to convince themselves that they are too important, and have too much going on to take 28 days to seek treatment. That is DENIAL at work. This is a hallmark of addiction and other possible diseases "my inability to actually connect with other human beings." Get rid of the gun for now, give it to a friend, sell it, lock it up at a gun club, something....
Callus' comment was pretty crude but he does have a point... there is a quote from shawshank redemption that i always go back to... "Get busy livin, or get busy dyin"
Callus' comment was pretty crude but he does have a point... there is a quote from shawshank redemption that i always go back to... "Get busy livin, or get busy dyin"
OP sent you a message. Good luck!
Ok I read most of the first page. A few things I would like to say:
Who is the dick head who is throwing monkey shit at all of OP's posts for no apparent reason? It is kind of funny.
You don't keep your gun loaded?
If you get rid of your gun, can I have the ammo? It is hard to come by right now. .40 s&w.
On a serious note, the drinking will destroy you. Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family, and I've begun to see the signs in myself. Hopefully I'm not fucked. I am in the process of accepting that it is a real problem. In fact, alcohol has been the main cause of all of the hurdles I have had to overcome in life.
Focus on a couple things; kick the booze, keep grinding at work. If you keep your comfy income you can focus on your inner person issues. It may be horrible, but deal with it.
You won't be at your current position forever, and staying there will ultimately give you options. Options = freedom. Freedom to do your laundry.
unhappiness is the difference between what you have and what you want. Stop wanting.
Also, listen to this Link. It may help, (note: you have to change the "***" to "org" because WSO won't let me post links)....
media.bswa.***/mp3/Brahmavamso_2012_05_18.mp3
There are tons of other great talks as well... www.dhammaloka.***.au/downloads/itemlist/category/18-ajahn-brahmavamso. html
I feel you...A lot of people go through this. I can relate to a lot of the things you are saying. You have to realize that you're the only one who push yourself out of this--and when you do, you will be 100x stronger and more equipped to face the challenges of life.
What's meaningful in life anyways? How do you know that it's not just your life that feels meaningless or that life is just meaningless in general? We all eat, shit, and die. So, who the fuck cares if you have a fancy motorcycle or can throw down g's on bottles?! The thrill of all that stuff fades so fast and leaves you feeling emptier than ever. The point is to just do whatever makes you truly happy, because at the end of the day, the only person who cares about what you do is yourself. That being said, if you're not happy with your job, then figure out something else. Take charge of your life and find a way to control your impulses. Cut out the toxic people and treat your true friends like family. Stop spending your money on "stuff", stop drinking, pay off your debts. Earn respect for yourself, and others will begin respecting you. The woman you want will be able to pick up on this stuff without even knowing too much about it. I know it's easier said than done, but if you've gotten far enough to ask for help on WSO, I'm sure you want to find a solution to your problems. I say all of this from experience, and I have faith in you...so do all the others who have commented on your post.
Oh yeah, and when I feel like shit I always refer to the Four Noble Truths: 1. Life means suffering.
The origin of suffering is attachment.
The cessation of suffering is attainable.
The path to the cessation of suffering.
See a therapist. If you don't want to get drugged up, that's the best way to both deal with your issues and avoid taking drugs. You have at least admitted to some of your problems. Now let someone else, who has no weird incentives unlike your friends, help you out.
Go for a run when you can't sleep. It'll help you relax, get in better shape, and focus your thoughts.
The booze may not be the underlying problem, but it sure can't be helping. It's only masking the real issues. I'm not saying you should stop drinking. I am saying that you should start looking for the things that worsen your outlook and cut those off your life. F them. Don't let them screw you.
Best of luck.
OP, I'll tell you how to feel like a million bucks in three days.
100% this will make you feel better.
It sounds like that you're not just depressed, you're disillusioned.
A few posters touched on this somewhat, but I want to emphasis it. Depending on the actual reason for your depression, helping others may be a good way to help yourself.
Volunteer to help disadvantaged youth, work with a charity, or help start a non-profit. Or even go volunteer in Africa.You obviously have the smarts and the financial resources (current or future) to make somewhat of a difference. It will also give you a perspective on how lucky your current situation is, compared to others. If you join a church, like another poster mentioned (which is a great idea in itself), get involved in that community.
If you can't live for yourself, at least live for others.
To reiterate what other posters said, see a professional, stay off using the alcohol as a crutch, and keep healthy. Good luck.
OP,
I didnt read all the responses, but honestly I can relate to your problems especially the ones about the drinking.
My escape hatch was exercise and athletics.
Its a great outlet and itll make you look and feel better. Seriously. Put all that addictive energy into triathlons or something.
Just as an update.
I started on lexapro today. So we'll see how that works. I did end up not drinking last wednesday through friday but i drank pretty heavily on saturday. My ex actually came and stayed with me and we hung out for the weekend mostly drinking and in bed. It's probably not a good relationship, but it was a good distraction for the weekend. Also, I kind of needed to drink on saturday because my vikings looked like absolute horseshit. I also sold me gun to a buddy for 500 bucks so that helped me pay down a little debt and got it out of my house. Thanks for listening, everyone.
OP, good luck and keep us updated.
Also, I decided to take out an 18 month 401k loan to pay down my credit card debt. It's basically a way to consolidate my debt at a lower interest rate (the 401k loan rate is 4%) and I have credit card debt as high as 22%. Then the payments will automatically deduct from my pay checks so i'll never see it to spend it and If I keep my spending habits in check I hopefully won't get back in credit card debt.
OP, you are not alone. If you're ever in NYC, shoot me a PM.
Thought I would bump this and give an update. Not much has changed. The job search has gone pretty terribly and I still feel miserable daily. The lexapro helped to a point but made it basically impossible for me to have sex so I stopped taking it. I am drinking less in an effort to reduce the amount I spend but not that much less. And my debt is still a bad situation but my spring bonus (which I know the amount of but haven't actually gottten yet) will take care of most of it if I can stay out of debt. I did start a new relationship but she's as fucked up as I am and I think we just make each others problems worse. But she's hot and a great lay so I couldn't resist. I feel pretty trapped in that no matter what I do I can't seem to change my situation. But I am at least still around.
It's actually uncomfortable how familiar this sounds.
Sometimes the best way past it is through it. Cut the alcohol, find a new doc and get on something that doesn't fuck you up with side effects (it's out there, don't assume they're all the same), and keep your head up until you get paid. Things will change for you as you get more comfortable with yourself, and in the meantime just try to enjoy yourself.
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