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Assuming it has to be funny, non-offensive, and not specific. Any good ones you dredged up for investment banking interviews? Please, no knock-knock jokes.

Interview Coming Up? Be Prepared.

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Comments (87)

  • Salam Shpekov's picture

    Why did the monkey fall off a tree?
    BEcause it was dead

  • AnacotSteel's picture

    What's the difference between a tire and a 30% return in one year?

    One's a Goodyear and the other is a really good year.

  • In reply to gautam_seth
    jbc2436's picture

    gautam_seth:
    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

    Wow... If somebody said that to me as a joke, I would ask them to leave the interview, and tear up their resume.

  • StoneImmaculate's picture

    it's all in the delivery, most of hedberg's jokes are shit by traditional standards but his delivery is what makes it hilarious.

    there are some videos of his younger days before he developed his unique style and the same jokes are not funny at all. Just my analysis anyway.

  • In reply to AnacotSteel
    StreetLuck's picture

    AnacotSteel:
    What's the difference between a tire and a 30% return in one year?

    One's a Goodyear and the other is a really good year.


    I hate myself for laughing at this.
  • In reply to StoneImmaculate
    StreetLuck's picture

    StoneImmaculate:
    it's all in the delivery, most of hedberg's jokes are shit by traditional standards but his delivery is what makes it hilarious.

    there are some videos of his younger days before he developed his unique style and the same jokes are not funny at all. Just my analysis anyway.


    You're absolutely right.. The delivery is what makes or breaks his jokes.

    My roommate likes telling his jokes, but absolutely kills the delivery. It's like watching someone drive a Ferrari into a wall.

  • In reply to StreetLuck
    freeloader's picture

    StreetLuck:
    StoneImmaculate:
    it's all in the delivery, most of hedberg's jokes are shit by traditional standards but his delivery is what makes it hilarious.

    there are some videos of his younger days before he developed his unique style and the same jokes are not funny at all. Just my analysis anyway.


    You're absolutely right.. The delivery is what makes or breaks his jokes.

    My roommate likes telling his jokes, but absolutely kills the delivery. It's like watching someone drive a Ferrari into a wall.

    Are you sure? I've heard said person tell the jokes and it was pretty decent. Got me to listen to Mitch.

  • noob123's picture

    there is a chair....the chair walk....with shoes....la la la la la

    if you don't do it in borat's voice.... it's not funny...

  • In reply to noob123
    BSD123's picture

    you have to do the motion he does too.

    I think if I was interviewing someone and they told me that joke in the Borat voice, I'd have my next collegue and work friend sitting in my office.

    The Mitch Hedberg jokes would do it too.

    "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to also"

    --------------
    Either you sling crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot

  • noob123's picture

    you are real man. high five!

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  • zala rules's picture

    What's the most confusing day of the year in Harlem?

    Father's Day!

  • ghosht's picture

    Japanese archelogist: they recently dug up this site and found telegraph lines. proves that our ancestors knew telegraph.

    English arch : thats nothing. they dug up our site and found telephone lines. proves that our ancestors knew the use of telephones.

    Indian scientist (thinking he must come up with some good shit to save face):Guys, sorry to disappoint you, but that's peanuts. They dug up our sites and found absolutely nothing!

    Jap and Eng arch: What the hell does that prove?

    Indian: that our ancestors knew wireless!!!

  • In reply to StreetLuck
    RMBills's picture

    this?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNVrMZX2kms

    It hurts to watch.

    >You're absolutely right.. The delivery is what >makes or breaks his jokes.
    >
    >My roommate likes telling his jokes, but absolutely >kills the delivery. It's like watching someone >drive a Ferrari into a wall.

  • WizardofOz's picture

    what's the difference between the government and a bitch?

    gov't only takes 40%.

  • In reply to WizardofOz
    regicide's picture

    A chicken and an egg were lying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smiling and smoking a cigarette. With a pissed off look the egg said "Well, I guess we've answered that question".

  • In reply to regicide
    regicide's picture

    A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

  • Gommini's picture

    A recent study found that gay men check out of a hotel on average thirty minutes faster than straight men. the reasoning being they get their shit packed the night before.

  • In reply to regicide
    SteveR_ML1's picture

    regicide:
    A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

    Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.

  • In reply to SteveR_ML1
    freeloader's picture

    SteveR_ML1:
    regicide:
    A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

    Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.

    You're kidding me, right?

  • freeloader's picture

    Still, when 1/2 * 2 = 3/4, you have to wonder...

  • Jimbo's picture

    "Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.
    "

    wow. just, wow.

  • In reply to SteveR_ML1
    wiseguy's picture

    SteveR_ML1:
    regicide:
    A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

    Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.

    Dude.. what are you smoking - i want some of that..

  • In reply to Jimbo
    freeloader's picture

    Jimbo:
    "Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.
    "

    wow. just, wow.

    Though I guess if you said that in an interview, they would probably laugh at you, but then kick you out.

    At least you made it halfway there. Try twice as hard, and you'll be 3/4ths of the way there...

  • In reply to SteveR_ML1
    regicide's picture

    SteveR_ML1:
    regicide:
    A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

    Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.


    a. it's a joke dude, lighten up.

    b. i know what you are trying to say, after the first beating she only gets beaten half to death again. you are still wrong though, so i'll geek you right back. the genie says she gets "double" what he does, not what he gets twice in a row. say, hypothetically, i wanted to beat you to half to death by hitting you in the face with a tire iron. this might take 4 hits. now, if your girlfriend gets double what you got, she'll get 8 hits. then you will have one dead girlfriend. qed.

  • Jimbo's picture

    2*1/2=1. Not 3/4. See how the 2's cancel? end of story.

  • Sunlounger's picture

    How can we balance the budget overnight?

    Put a tax on sex :-)

  • In reply to Jimbo
    ghosht's picture

    Jimbo:
    2*1/2=1. Not 3/4. See how the 2's cancel? end of story.

    He's not simply multiplying here.
    He's saying the wife is half beaten to death. then when she's half alive, she gets beaten half of that beaten out of her (1/4th). so total 3/4th.

    geeky as hell tho lol.

  • de0cy's picture

    Yeah it makes sense if you interpret it incorrectly.

  • MikiLzrd's picture

    what's the difference between the government and a bitch?

    say that to a female MD

  • holymonkey's picture

    What do you want a joke from me for? Just watch Boston Legal, tuesdays at 10pm, ABC.

    "We are lawyers! We sue people! Occasionally, we get aggressive and garnish wages, but WE DO NOT ABDUCT!" -Boston Legal-

  • justanotherbanker's picture

    A friend of mine in Asia was interning at a prestigious bank. It was recruiting season and his boss had stack of junior-level resumes several inches thick on his desk. The boss looked at my friend, then looked at the stack, then grabbed half of the stack randomly and threw the resumes straight into his garbage bin.

    "Why did you do that? No one has even read those yet." My friend asked.

    To this the boss replied:
    "I don't want unlucky people working at my firm."

    True story.

  • In reply to Jimbo
    gautam_seth's picture

    Jimbo:
    "Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4."

    i can't even imagine how Seinfeld would have reacted to that !! No wonder Jim Morrison went 'people are strange'...

  • ewong's picture

    pete and ree-pete are on a boat, pete falls off the boat, who's left on the boat?

    (interviewer says 'repeat')

    you keep goin till they figure it out

  • In reply to Mr. Determined
    WanganRunner's picture

    Mr. Determined:
    Have you guys heard of Hard Gay guy from Japan? He is hilarious. Watch him on youtube.

    I LOL'd.

    Anyway, in regards to the math, WOW. Where do you work, so I can NEVER apply there or do business with them....

  • In reply to justanotherbanker
    edmunsta's picture

    justanotherbanker:
    A friend of mine in Asia was interning at a prestigious bank. It was recruiting season and his boss had stack of junior-level resumes several inches thick on his desk. The boss looked at my friend, then looked at the stack, then grabbed half of the stack randomly and threw the resumes straight into his garbage bin.

    "Why did you do that? No one has even read those yet." My friend asked.

    To this the boss replied:
    "I don't want unlucky people working at my firm."

    True story.

    BWAhahahahhahahaha. Oh my god I cracked up so hard at that.

  • In reply to ewong
    Jimbo's picture

    ewong:
    pete and ree-pete are on a boat, pete falls off the boat, who's left on the boat?

    (interviewer says 'repeat')

    you keep goin till they figure it out

    terrible

  • wiseguy's picture

    So "why cannot a bicycle stand on its own ?"

    --> Because it is two-tyre'd!! =)

  • charlemenge's picture

    man that resume one was funny. and the good year one.

  • NathanielMc's picture

    Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I".

    Billy: I is ...

    Teacher: No, Billy. Always say, "I am."

    Billy: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

  • ewong's picture

    so a guy walks into a bar and he grabs a beer. he notices a bottle of tequila and a pair of pliers sittin on the counter. he asks the bartender "why you got those pliers and bottle of tequila on the counter?"

    the bartender says "theres a pool goin around, if you can drink that bottle of tequila without throwing up, then use the pliers to remove the aching tooth from the 200 pound pitbull chained to the fence out back, then go upstairs and make love to the 18 year old virgin blonde beauty three times, you'll win $10,000"

    the guy goes "fuck it, ill do it". so he starts taking shots of the tequila, and it tastes like shit but he eventually does it after about an hour. he gets up, grabs the pliers, and stumbles out the backdoor. all the patrons in the bar hear screaming, fighting, barking, and it just sounds like an overall shitshow outside.

    finally after about half an hour of this hecticness, the noise subsides and the guy comes stumbling back into the bar. his shirt is torn, theres blood everywhere, and he looks like he just got the shit kicked out him. hes still holding the pliers, and he walks up to the bartender and says "aright, now wheres that 18 year girl with the toothache??"

  • In reply to jbc2436
    A_Bathing_Ape's picture

    jbc2436:
    gautam_seth:
    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

    Wow... If somebody said that to me as a joke, I would ask them to leave the interview, and tear up their resume.

    I second that. Only I would tear up their resume first, then ask them to sweep up the paper and THEN leave. If we were on a really high floor, I'd demand this person take the steps...

  • GenghisKhan's picture

    Three guys go to heaven.

    St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates. He tells them, "Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we can only take one of you. To be fair, we've decided to reward the one who had to suffer the most gruesome death. Why don't you tell me how you each died?"

    First guys says: "Well, I came home early because I was sure my wife was cheating on me. I hear her in the shower, but I'm convinced the bastard's somewhere in the house. I ran into every room, looking for the guy.

    I was just about to give up when I saw him! Hanging off our balcony by his fingertips. I stomped on them, but the fucker just wouldn't let go. So I ran inside and grabbed a hammer and started to bang on his fingers. He finally drops but a gust of wind blows him into a bush ane he survived!!

    Well, I was so mad I went inside, dragged out my fridge (damn thing weighed a ton), and threw it over the balcony. It crushed him, but I felt so bad I went back into the apartment, got out my gun and shot myself."

    St. Peter, taken aback, nonetheless agrees that this was a gruesome way to die.

    He goes to the next guy, and asks him how HE died.

    Second guy says: "I was out on the roof of my building when a gust of wind blew me off. I thought I was dead for sure, but I managed to grab hold of a balcony as I was falling. I was about to pull myself to safety when some guy runs out and starts stomping on my fingers. I barely managed to hold on until he gave up. But then he came back out again with a hammer. I couldn't hold and fell ten stories, but another gust of wind blew me into a bush and i survived.

    I was just thanking God for my good luck when out of nowhere, a fridge falls out of the sky and crushes me to death."

    St. Peter consoles the second man, since he obviously is nursing some broken bones. Shaking his head in disbelief, he asks the third man to explain his death.

    The third guy shrugs and says: "Picture this: You're naked. Hiding. In a refrigerator..."

  • In reply to GenghisKhan
    StreetLuck's picture

    GenghisKhan:

    The third guy shrugs and says: "Picture this: You're naked. Hiding. In a refrigerator..."

    Hilarious! Haven't heard this one before.

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