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3/4/10

I recently went for a finance interview at a smaller shop. The interviewer asked me to tell him a joke. I blanked.
I ended up saying:
"A man walks into library and approaches the librarian. The librarian smiles and asks "how can I help you today?"
The man says "Can I get a tunafish sandwich on white?"
Bewildered the librarian says "Sir this is library...".
the man replies (In a Whisper). "Sorry (this where I almost died in the interview of nervousness) can I get a tunafish sandwich on white?"

I got a weak smile from the two guys.

Any good jokes that can be used in these types of situations?

Comments (410)

3/4/10

What was the best part of the Playboy Enterprises IPO?

... The pitch book.

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3/4/10

Mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear, "who do you want to live with?"

Baby bear says, " I don't want to live with mama bear. She beats me"

Judge says, "Okay, so you want to live with papa bear?"

Baby bear says, "No, he beats me too!"

Judge (frustrated at this point), "Well then, who do you want to live with?"

Baby bear, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They never beat anybody"

3/4/10
CaliBankerSF:

Mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear, "who do you want to live with?"

Baby bear says, " I don't want to live with mama bear. She beats me"

Judge says, "Okay, so you want to live with papa bear?"

Baby bear says, "No, he beats me too!"

Judge (frustrated at this point), "Well then, who do you want to live with?"

Baby bear, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They never beat anybody"

lol

3/4/10

I'll get you started...

Guy goes into the agent's office and he says,
"I've got an act for "you." Wait till you hear "this." "Tell me a little about "it." What's the act?"
He says, "My wife and I come out on "stage."

3/4/10
darwins monkey:

I'll get you started...

Guy goes into the agent's office and he says,
"I've got an act for "you." Wait till you hear "this." "Tell me a little about "it." What's the act?"
He says, "My wife and I come out on "stage."

I don't get it. Also learn how to use quotations.

3/4/10
darwins monkey:

I'll get you started...

Guy goes into the agent's office and he says,
"I've got an act for "you." Wait till you hear "this." "Tell me a little about "it." What's the act?"
He says, "My wife and I come out on "stage."

Agent says "what do you call yourselves."
Guy says "the aristocrats"

3/4/10

http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/interview-qu...
http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/the-tell-me-...

You could always repeat what David Del Rocco says in Boondock Saints when the mob boss tells him to tell a joke. Not going to repeat it on here though, look it up if you don't know.

3/4/10

Mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear, "who do you want to live with?"

Baby bear says, " I don't want to live with mama bear. She beats me"

Judge says, "Okay, so you want to live with papa bear?"

Baby bear says, "No, he beats me too!"

Judge (frustrated at this point), "Well then, who do you want to live with?"

Baby bear, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They never beat anybody"

lol

3/4/10

A couple who have been married for a while are in their bedroom. The wife looks in the mirror, sighs, and says, "I feel fat and ugly...give me a compliment". The husband looks her up and down and says, "You've got perfect vision."

3/4/10

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer anything she throws at me."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

3/5/10
geniusisnteasy:

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer anything she throws at me."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

haha.. little johnny is awesome

3/6/10

FREAKING GREAT!

Professional Bro,
J. Cans

3/4/10

^ haha.. that was a good one.

3/5/10

Not sure if you'll be able to use this one for an interview (I'd recommend against it):

A teacher, lawyer, and priest are in a burning school auditorium. The teacher says, " We need to save the children before the auditorium collapses". The lawyer responds, "Screw the children." The priest looks at the lawyer and asks, "Do we have the time?".

3/5/10

banker you're uncouth primate - The Aristocrats...?

I apologize for the awful use of quotations; I copy and pasted from a website, didn't feel like typing it out

3/5/10
darwins monkey:

banker you're uncouth primate - The Aristocrats...?

I apologize for the awful use of quotations; I copy and pasted from a website, didn't feel like typing it out

Oh yeah lol. It's been a while, plus I didn't find that film funny. But nice reference lol.

3/5/10

I was at a pub outside Dublin and was the last one there, clearly upset because I had just broken up with my girlfriend of 3 years. The bartender could tell I was upset, and said, "Come on a walk with me, lad."

So we walked outside and he turned me around to look at the Pub. He says, "You see dat Pub? I been runnin dat Pub for fifteen years. Day after day, pourin shots, providin people like you drinks. But they don't call me Shamus the barkeep. No."

Puzzled, I didn't really know what to make of it, but we kept walking. We passed by an old well that was clearly out of use. He pointed to it and said, "You see dat Well? I dug dat well with me bare hands chwelve years ago. It finally went salt but before dat it provided dis town with all the water dey used. But they don't call me Shamus the welldigger."

We kept walking and passed a long stone wall. "Do you see this wall? I built dis wall 8 years ago to keep wolves away from the sheep. Two miles long, dis wall. Stone by stone, brick by brick I slaved on it...but dey don't call me Shamus the Stonesman."

Then, he turned away, bent his head toward the ground, and muttered just loud enough for me to hear,

"But you fuck one goat..."

3/5/10
guestofaguest:

I was at a pub outside Dublin and was the last one there, clearly upset because I had just broken up with my girlfriend of 3 years. The bartender could tell I was upset, and said, "Come on a walk with me, lad."

So we walked outside and he turned me around to look at the Pub. He says, "You see dat Pub? I been runnin dat Pub for fifteen years. Day after day, pourin shots, providin people like you drinks. But they don't call me Shamus the barkeep. No."

Puzzled, I didn't really know what to make of it, but we kept walking. We passed by an old well that was clearly out of use. He pointed to it and said, "You see dat Well? I dug dat well with me bare hands chwelve years ago. It finally went salt but before dat it provided dis town with all the water dey used. But they don't call me Shamus the welldigger."

We kept walking and passed a long stone wall. "Do you see this wall? I built dis wall 8 years ago to keep wolves away from the sheep. Two miles long, dis wall. Stone by stone, brick by brick I slaved on it...but dey don't call me Shamus the Stonesman."

Then, he turned away, bent his head toward the ground, and muttered just loud enough for me to hear,

"But you fuck one goat..."

Use some proper grammar, because nobody is going to read that crap!

3/5/10

A buddy of mine sent this to me, I thought it was pretty good:

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny to answer. He replies, "There are none left - they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Jack: They're all former investment bankers who were laid off from that economic crisis that Nancy Pelosi caused. They have zero real world skills, but God they work hard.
-30 Rock

Best Response
3/5/10

A pirate walks into a bar with a giant ship's wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "hey, pirate, you got a ship's steering wheel in your pants." The pirate replies, "arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

3/5/10
jhoratio:

A pirate walks into a bar with a giant ship's wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "hey, pirate, you got a ship's steering wheel in your pants." The pirate replies, "arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

This is why silver bananas were invented!

3/5/10

hahahaah jhoratio wins and gets the offer immediately

3/6/10

I've tried the first one....the others have potential.

Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A 'Coz he was dead.

Q What type of bird can't fly?
A A dead one.

Q How do you stop a fish from smelling?
A you cut off its nose.

Q what is invivsible and smells like carrots?
A A rabbit's fart.

3/6/10

why did the chicken cross the road?

1. (einstein) did ze chicken cross ze road - or did ze road move unter ze chicken?
2. (some poet or other) to die. in the rain.

i think there are lots of others... try looking it up.

my favorites tho are the baby jokes.

Q: what's funnier than a dead baby?
A: a dead baby in a clown-suit.

Q: what's worse than ten babies hanging from a tree?
A: a dead baby hanging from ten trees.

Q1: how do you stick a baby in a blender?
A1: feet first.
Q2: how do you get him out?
A2: with a straw.

then there's the baby rape jokes, but that's really gruesome...

=========================================
"... then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

3/6/10
dagro:

why did the chicken cross the road?

1. (einstein) did ze chicken cross ze road - or did ze road move unter ze chicken?
2. (some poet or other) to die. in the rain.

i think there are lots of others... try looking it up.

my favorites tho are the baby jokes.

Q: what's funnier than a dead baby?
A: a dead baby in a clown-suit.

Q: what's worse than ten babies hanging from a tree?
A: a dead baby hanging from ten trees.

Q1: how do you stick a baby in a blender?
A1: feet first.
Q2: how do you get him out?
A2: with a straw.

then there's the baby rape jokes, but that's really gruesome...

Worst post ever

3/6/10

^ not funny

3/6/10

Q. What happens when you eat a Blackberry?
A. You get a Bluetooth.

3/6/10

who let the wet towels in? brighten up kids, it's called humor.
you're just taking up space with your over-conservatism. if you don't enjoy the humor don't laugh. hell, if you really have to say something, PM me. i may not agree, but i'll listen.

you actually remind me of this mother who came to a meeting at my highschool before we went on a field trip. when they asked if anybody had questions, the thing that seemed to bother her the most was if they'd show us violent films on the bus, like the matrix. needless to say we all laughed at him for weeks after that.
you're just like her. loosen up a little.

=========================================
"... then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

3/6/10

for those of you who didn't find it too offensive:
http://www.jimmyr.com/blog/Bunny_Suicide_Comic_Pic...

less gruesome. very funny.

=========================================
"... then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

  • vanillathunder12
  •  3/6/10

I love Mitch Hedberg;

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe s. Reese-apostrophe-s, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

3/7/10

Better hope that you never run into me in real life because I'd love to beat the living daylight out of someone like you.

vanillathunder12:

I love Mitch Hedberg;

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe s. Reese-apostrophe-s, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

3/8/10
SirBankalot:

Better hope that you never run into me in real life because I'd love to beat the living daylight out of someone like you.

Child please.

Mitch Hedberg is one of the finest there ever was.

- Child Please.

3/7/10

So a baby seal walks into a club.......

3/8/10

Bankalot, what crawled up your ass and died? you're not funny at all. maybe u should youtube mitch hedberg before you give yourself a heart attack

3/8/10

Two jokes (a bit dirty)

(not work appropriate)-> Three men go to a strip club a German an Englishman and a Dutch guy.
the stripper dances for the German guy first , he grabs a handful of cash (about 300$)and puts it in her panties
then the stripper dances for the Englishman he writes her a cheque for 2000$ and puts it in her panties
Finally the Dutch guy pulls out his credit card swipes it between her butt cheeks and yells "charge whatever you like"!

(kinda appropriate)-> The prime ministers of England , France and Greece are on a plane but it crashes somewhere in Russia. The three politicians walk for miles and miles to find shelter... after a very long walk they see a red light somewhere in the distance and think they are saved .. getting closer they realize it is a brothel. They go inside and the Eglish PM asks the madam "Could I make a phone call please to get picked up from here?" the madam responds (insert Russian accent) "Fine but for 3 miiiiillliiion pounds" The PM has no choice and agrees. Next comes the French PM with the same question and the madam responds "alllllrrright then for 6 miiiilliiion euro" Having no choice he too agrees. Finally comes the Greek guy (insert Greek accent) "Can I make phone call too madam? how much?" and the madam responds: "for you 1 euro!" the other PMs are freaking out asking "Why does the Greek PM pay 1 while you charge us millions??" and the madam answers "Eh! Between brothels we have friendly prices!"

3/8/10

Also (kinda gross) : A butterface goed to the doctor and says : "Doctor i have a gruelling pain going up and down from my belly to my neck and I feel very nauseous what is going on ?"

and the doctor replies : "Well my dear it is a Fart. Because your face looks like an arse it is confused and doesn't know which way to go up or down? "

3/8/10

An Irishman walks out of a bar

3/11/10

A panda is out one night, and he's approached by a lady of the night. She comes up to him and says, "Hey, why don't we go back to my place for a little while, have a little fun?"

The panda says, "Alright, sure thing." So they head back to the aforementioned prostitutes quarters, and she proceeds to make Mr. Panda a great dinner. They sit down, eat, drink, have a great time, and afterwards they go back to the hooker's bedroom and fool around for a little while.

After their done, the prostitute says to the Panda, "Alright, so that was fun, how about $400?"

The Panda, confused, goes, "Wait, $400, I thought we were just having fun?"

The prostitute replies, "No silly, I'm a prostitute."

The Panda, being a Panda, replies, "Sorry, I'm a Panda, I don't really know what that is."

So, the prostitute grabs a dictionary, turns to Prostitute and shows the Panda the definition:

Prostitute: One who does favors of a sexual nature in exchange for cash payments.

The Panda, surprised, says, "Oh, okay, well in that case, lets go look up Panda in the dictionary..." They turn to Panda, and the definition reads....

Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

------------------------------------------------------------------
"I just want to be a monkey of average intelligence who wears a suit. I'll go to business school!"

3/12/10

This works at any BB (stolen from one of WSO threads)

Interviewer: Tell me a joke
Student: Your balance sheet

5/21/10

A greek, italian and spaniard walks into a brothel. Who's paying?

... The German.

5/21/10
5/22/10

Mitch hedberg is a fucking genius!! However i've never met a person that could retell his jokes and make them as funny as he did.

5/22/10

Any one of these.

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
And went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish..'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
Lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

5/23/10

^ These are priceless. Excellent.

5/23/10

Often a question like "tell me a joke" is meant to throw you off or see how you handle new situations. Just keep a joke on hand that you can tell confidently.

Don' t worry about optimizing for the funniest one, and just relax!

7/29/10
R. Scott Morris:

Often a question like "tell me a joke" is meant to throw you off or see how you handle new situations. Just keep a joke on hand that you can tell confidently.

Don' t worry about optimizing for the funniest one, and just relax!

Hi,

I do not agreed with you. Any way, your ideal make me thinking about some thing for my project.

Apart from that, this link below may be useful: Real estate interview questions
Please try to keep posting. Tks and best regards

7/21/10

how many of these are appropriate to use in an interview? would interviewers be okay with you telling jokes about women (assuming your interviewer is a male)? would they be okay with sexual jokes?

thanks for any help.

7/21/10
NGH09:

how many of these are appropriate to use in an interview? would interviewers be okay with you telling jokes about women (assuming your interviewer is a male)? would they be okay with sexual jokes?

thanks for any help.

Tough question...kinda(?).

Typically no, in fact, I bet more people have been fired for telling an off color joke then have been hired because they left someone in stitches (comedians aside). Be careful. It's all going to come down to how the interview is going and what the person is like. The problem is, you never know that person's background...you never know if the guy who is interviewing you has a sister that was victimized or something, so he might get offend by a joke poking fun at females. Your best bet is to not say anything distasteful.

Regards

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so."
- Ronald Reagan

7/21/10

if it was a nyc job, (im asian) if i got this job and nobody drives in new york, so one less asian on the road is oneless car accident

idk if dead baby jokes are okay? but here it is....
whats the best thing about fucking a dead baby and the worst part
hearing his pelvis break
cleaning the blood off my clown outfit

8/18/10

I really enjoyed reading all your posting.

8/18/10

An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a deserted island with no food except a can of beans.

They begin discussing ways to open the can starting with the engineer. He says, "let's find a stick, calculate the correct angle to position it on the can, and use a rock to apply pressure to it and it will surely open."

The chemist says, "no, no, that will never work." Then says, "let's put the can in the ocean, take it out, wait for it rust, and then it can be easily opened."

The economist has been waiting patiently for his turn and after the chemist finishes he shakes his head and says, "Ok, check it out, assume a can opener..."

8/18/10
rubenharris:

An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a deserted island with no food except a can of beans.

They begin discussing ways to open the can starting with the engineer. He says, "let's find a stick, calculate the correct angle to position it on the can, and use a rock to apply pressure to it and it will surely open."

The chemist says, "no, no, that will never work." Then says, "let's put the can in the ocean, take it out, wait for it rust, and then it can be easily opened."

The economist has been waiting patiently for his turn and after the chemist finishes he shakes his head and says, "Ok, check it out, assume a can opener..."

I got my degree in economics, have heard this many times, but always enjoyed it. Not really hilarious, but another enjoyable economics anecdote / joke that a professor of economics at Georgia wrote:

"Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."

Drinks for the ten now cost just $80
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay! And so...

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! "

Probably more enjoyable if you're a fiscal conservative.

8/18/10

Old but always hilarious:

Guy walks into a bar and sees a huge jar of money with a sign that says,"Win this jar of money, ask me how." He goes up to the bartender and asks him about the jar of money to which the bartender replies,"I have a depressed elephant out back and I can't seem to get him to stop crying. If you can stop him you win the money."
The guy walks out back whispers something to the elephant and the elephant bursts out laughing. Guy walks back in, collects his money and leaves.

He comes back a few weeks later and finds the same sign and jar full of money. "What's wrong now?" he asks. Bartender says, "The elephant refuses to stop laughing." So the guy walks out back and the bartender hears the elephant go silent. Guy walks back in and the bartender asks, "How did you do that?"

Guy replies, "The first time I told him I had a bigger dick than he did, the second time I showed him."

8/19/10

IlliniProgrammer's corny lightbulb jokes:

(Sorry, nerdy engineer can't resist.)

1.) How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place, one to drink until the room starts spinning.

2.) How many MIT graduates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, plus a guy from UMass. Two to design and construct a CANDU nuclear reactor, the UMass guy to realize they've already got electricity and flip the switch.

3.) How many Illinois grads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sorry, Illinois doesn't have electricity yet.

8/21/10

this is the best one.

Whats the best part off being an i-banker?
doing models all day all night.

8/21/10

Q: Whats the difference between Jesus on the cross and a painting of Jesus on the cross?

A: The Painting only requires 1 nail to hang up

8/21/10

Gilbert Gottfried's rendition of the Aristocrats Joke is always a good one to tell. Google it if you havent heard it.

8/21/10

Perfectly classy for an interview. :D

Still, I prefer his rendition of the AFLAC duck.

9/25/10

So a guy walks into a whorehouse, but he only has $3. He walks up to the madam and goes, "Hey, sorry, I left my wallet at home and I only had $3 in my pockets, but I'm really horny, so what can I get for that?"

The madam, obviously pissed off, replies, "Well...there is a dead hooker at the end of the hall...I guess I could let you have a crack at her for $3."

The guy obliges, hands over the $3, goes into the room at the end of the hall, has his fun and walks out. As he's leaving, the madam grabs him and asks him how it went. He replies, "It was definitely worth the $3. But it was weird, her nose kept running."

The madam shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Ah shit, she must be full again."

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9/26/10

women's rights

9/26/10

q) What is the most confusing day in Harlem?

a) Father's Day.

Another approach you could try is Borat's joke:
"Borat: My brother, he retard. They keep him in cage. My sister, she 4th best prostitute in my home town. She spread her leg and tease my retard brother. She say, "you no get none of this, you no get none of this, ....la la la la la laaaa." My brother, he break out his cage...he get himself some of that! "

9/26/10

LOL

9/26/10

I LIKEEEEEEE!

another joke - from Jackie Mason -

"I have a friend half Jewish half Italian - if he doesn't buy it wholesale, he steals it.

I have another friend who is half Jewish, half Polish - he's a janitor, but he owns the building!

I also have another friend, half Polish, half German - hates jews, can't remember why."

ISSSS NICE!

9/26/10

ha

9/26/10

What do you call an MD who doesn't cheat on his wife?

impotent

my friend made that one up =D

9/26/10

-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Fuck you.

9/26/10

I always break the ice with some racial jokes and racial slurs. It lightens up the conversation and generally charms the interviewer.

9/26/10

I actually got this question once and completely choked on it. Just google jokes and find something tasteful that you can tell well.

9/26/10

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

9/26/10

A man comes home one night to find his wife outside with her bags packed.

"Where do you think you're going?" asks the husband.

"I found out that I could make $400/night doing in Las Vegas what I do to you for free."

The husband goes inside and a few minutes later, he returns with a luggage.

"Now where do you think you're going?" asks the wife.

"Oh, I just have to see how you manage to live off $800/yr."

9/26/10

Why did the monkey fall off a tree?
BEcause it was dead

9/26/10

Listen to Mitch Hedberg.

9/26/10

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

9/26/10
gautam_seth:

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Wow... If somebody said that to me as a joke, I would ask them to leave the interview, and tear up their resume.

9/26/10
jbc2436:
gautam_seth:

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Wow... If somebody said that to me as a joke, I would ask them to leave the interview, and tear up their resume.

I second that. Only I would tear up their resume first, then ask them to sweep up the paper and THEN leave. If we were on a really high floor, I'd demand this person take the steps...

9/26/10

Mitch Hedberg has the best one line jokes to use for these

"Escalator temporarily out of service....sorry for the convenience"

9/26/10
stros88:

Mitch Hedberg has the best one line jokes to use for these

"Escalator temporarily out of service....sorry for the convenience"

So few of his performances are up on youtube..any better source?

9/26/10

What's the difference between a tire and a 30% return in one year?

One's a Goodyear and the other is a really good year.

9/26/10
AnacotSteel:

What's the difference between a tire and a 30% return in one year?

One's a Goodyear and the other is a really good year.

I hate myself for laughing at this.

9/26/10

it's all in the delivery, most of hedberg's jokes are shit by traditional standards but his delivery is what makes it hilarious.

there are some videos of his younger days before he developed his unique style and the same jokes are not funny at all. Just my analysis anyway.

9/26/10
StoneImmaculate:

it's all in the delivery, most of hedberg's jokes are shit by traditional standards but his delivery is what makes it hilarious.

there are some videos of his younger days before he developed his unique style and the same jokes are not funny at all. Just my analysis anyway.

You're absolutely right.. The delivery is what makes or breaks his jokes.

My roommate likes telling his jokes, but absolutely kills the delivery. It's like watching someone drive a Ferrari into a wall.

9/26/10

yea its how one puts it that matters most. A friend of mine would make some really regular comments and have me in splits.

9/26/10
StreetLuck:
StoneImmaculate:

it's all in the delivery, most of hedberg's jokes are shit by traditional standards but his delivery is what makes it hilarious.

there are some videos of his younger days before he developed his unique style and the same jokes are not funny at all. Just my analysis anyway.

You're absolutely right.. The delivery is what makes or breaks his jokes.

My roommate likes telling his jokes, but absolutely kills the delivery. It's like watching someone drive a Ferrari into a wall.

Are you sure? I've heard said person tell the jokes and it was pretty decent. Got me to listen to Mitch.

9/26/10

this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNVrMZX2kms

It hurts to watch.

>You're absolutely right.. The delivery is what >makes or breaks his jokes.
>
>My roommate likes telling his jokes, but absolutely >kills the delivery. It's like watching someone >drive a Ferrari into a wall.

9/26/10

there is a chair....the chair walk....with shoes....la la la la la

if you don't do it in borat's voice.... it's not funny...

9/26/10

you have to do the motion he does too.

I think if I was interviewing someone and they told me that joke in the Borat voice, I'd have my next collegue and work friend sitting in my office.

The Mitch Hedberg jokes would do it too.

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to also"

--------------
Either you sling crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot

9/26/10

the key is to keep a straight face

9/26/10

you are real man. high five!

9/26/10

What's the most confusing day of the year in Harlem?

Father's Day!

9/26/10

Japanese archelogist: they recently dug up this site and found telegraph lines. proves that our ancestors knew telegraph.

English arch : thats nothing. they dug up our site and found telephone lines. proves that our ancestors knew the use of telephones.

Indian scientist (thinking he must come up with some good shit to save face):Guys, sorry to disappoint you, but that's peanuts. They dug up our sites and found absolutely nothing!

Jap and Eng arch: What the hell does that prove?

Indian: that our ancestors knew wireless!!!

9/26/10

what's the difference between the government and a bitch?

gov't only takes 40%.

9/26/10

A chicken and an egg were lying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smiling and smoking a cigarette. With a pissed off look the egg said "Well, I guess we've answered that question".

9/26/10

A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

9/26/10
regicide:

A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.

9/26/10
SteveR_ML1:
regicide:

A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.

You're kidding me, right?

9/26/10

hey we're bankers here, not math majors... hahahaha

9/26/10
SteveR_ML1:
regicide:

A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.

Dude.. what are you smoking - i want some of that..

9/26/10
SteveR_ML1:
regicide:

A man finds a genie in a bottle just after leaving his divorce settlement and is granted three wishes. But the genie says "anything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." He wishes for a bentley, but his wife gets two; one for work and one for the weekend. This pisses him off. Then he wishes for a mansion. But his ex-wife gets two, one for her and one for the pooloy. Now he is enraged. So, with his third wish he says to the genie "please beat me half to death"

Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.

a. it's a joke dude, lighten up.

b. i know what you are trying to say, after the first beating she only gets beaten half to death again. you are still wrong though, so i'll geek you right back. the genie says she gets "double" what he does, not what he gets twice in a row. say, hypothetically, i wanted to beat you to half to death by hitting you in the face with a tire iron. this might take 4 hits. now, if your girlfriend gets double what you got, she'll get 8 hits. then you will have one dead girlfriend. qed.

9/26/10

Your math is off.

(1/2) * 2 = (2 * 1) / 2 = 1

Another way to look at it, Genie beats the wife half to death twice, so:

1/2 + 1/2 = 1

QED

9/26/10

Really? 1/2= .5 x 2= 1

9/26/10

A recent study found that gay men check out of a hotel on average thirty minutes faster than straight men. the reasoning being they get their shit packed the night before.

9/26/10

Still, when 1/2 * 2 = 3/4, you have to wonder...

9/26/10

"Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.
"

wow. just, wow.

9/26/10
Jimbo:

"Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4.
"

wow. just, wow.

Though I guess if you said that in an interview, they would probably laugh at you, but then kick you out.

At least you made it halfway there. Try twice as hard, and you'll be 3/4ths of the way there...

9/26/10
Jimbo:

wow. just, wow.

Oh my god...

9/26/10
Jimbo:

"Hate to get all geeked-out about a joke, but in this situation the wife would only get beaten 75% to death (1/2 * 2 = 1/4 + 1/2 = 3/4."

i can't even imagine how Seinfeld would have reacted to that !! No wonder Jim Morrison went 'people are strange'...

9/26/10

2*1/2=1. Not 3/4. See how the 2's cancel? end of story.

9/26/10
Jimbo:

2*1/2=1. Not 3/4. See how the 2's cancel? end of story.

He's not simply multiplying here.
He's saying the wife is half beaten to death. then when she's half alive, she gets beaten half of that beaten out of her (1/4th). so total 3/4th.

geeky as hell tho lol.

9/26/10

How can we balance the budget overnight?

Put a tax on sex :-)

9/26/10

Yeah it makes sense if you interpret it incorrectly.

9/26/10

what's the difference between the government and a bitch?

say that to a female MD

9/26/10

What do you want a joke from me for? Just watch Boston Legal, tuesdays at 10pm, ABC.

"We are lawyers! We sue people! Occasionally, we get aggressive and garnish wages, but WE DO NOT ABDUCT!" -Boston Legal-

9/26/10

Have you guys heard of Hard Gay guy from Japan? He is hilarious. Watch him on youtube.

9/26/10
Mr. Determined:

Have you guys heard of Hard Gay guy from Japan? He is hilarious. Watch him on youtube.

I LOL'd.

Anyway, in regards to the math, WOW. Where do you work, so I can NEVER apply there or do business with them....

  • justanotherbanker
  •  9/26/10

A friend of mine in Asia was interning at a prestigious bank. It was recruiting season and his boss had stack of junior-level resumes several inches thick on his desk. The boss looked at my friend, then looked at the stack, then grabbed half of the stack randomly and threw the resumes straight into his garbage bin.

"Why did you do that? No one has even read those yet." My friend asked.

To this the boss replied:
"I don't want unlucky people working at my firm."

True story.

9/26/10
justanotherbanker:

A friend of mine in Asia was interning at a prestigious bank. It was recruiting season and his boss had stack of junior-level resumes several inches thick on his desk. The boss looked at my friend, then looked at the stack, then grabbed half of the stack randomly and threw the resumes straight into his garbage bin.

"Why did you do that? No one has even read those yet." My friend asked.

To this the boss replied:
"I don't want unlucky people working at my firm."

True story.

BWAhahahahhahahaha. Oh my god I cracked up so hard at that.

9/26/10

pete and ree-pete are on a boat, pete falls off the boat, who's left on the boat?

(interviewer says 'repeat')

you keep goin till they figure it out

9/26/10
ewong:

pete and ree-pete are on a boat, pete falls off the boat, who's left on the boat?

(interviewer says 'repeat')

you keep goin till they figure it out

terrible

9/26/10

So "why cannot a bicycle stand on its own ?"

--> Because it is two-tyre'd!! =)

9/26/10

man that resume one was funny. and the good year one.

9/26/10

Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Billy: I is ...

Teacher: No, Billy. Always say, "I am."

Billy: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

9/26/10

so a guy walks into a bar and he grabs a beer. he notices a bottle of tequila and a pair of pliers sittin on the counter. he asks the bartender "why you got those pliers and bottle of tequila on the counter?"

the bartender says "theres a pool goin around, if you can drink that bottle of tequila without throwing up, then use the pliers to remove the aching tooth from the 200 pound pitbull chained to the fence out back, then go upstairs and make love to the 18 year old virgin blonde beauty three times, you'll win $10,000"

the guy goes "fuck it, ill do it". so he starts taking shots of the tequila, and it tastes like shit but he eventually does it after about an hour. he gets up, grabs the pliers, and stumbles out the backdoor. all the patrons in the bar hear screaming, fighting, barking, and it just sounds like an overall shitshow outside.

finally after about half an hour of this hecticness, the noise subsides and the guy comes stumbling back into the bar. his shirt is torn, theres blood everywhere, and he looks like he just got the shit kicked out him. hes still holding the pliers, and he walks up to the bartender and says "aright, now wheres that 18 year girl with the toothache??"

9/26/10
ewong:

so a guy walks into a bar and he grabs a beer. he notices a bottle of tequila and a pair of pliers sittin on the counter. he asks the bartender "why you got those pliers and bottle of tequila on the counter?"

the bartender says "theres a pool goin around, if you can drink that bottle of tequila without throwing up, then use the pliers to remove the aching tooth from the 200 pound pitbull chained to the fence out back, then go upstairs and make love to the 18 year old virgin blonde beauty three times, you'll win $10,000"

the guy goes "fuck it, ill do it". so he starts taking shots of the tequila, and it tastes like shit but he eventually does it after about an hour. he gets up, grabs the pliers, and stumbles out the backdoor. all the patrons in the bar hear screaming, fighting, barking, and it just sounds like an overall shitshow outside.

finally after about half an hour of this hecticness, the noise subsides and the guy comes stumbling back into the bar. his shirt is torn, theres blood everywhere, and he looks like he just got the shit kicked out him. hes still holding the pliers, and he walks up to the bartender and says "aright, now wheres that 18 year girl with the toothache??"

That is fucking hilarious. Thanks for sharing!

9/26/10
ewong:

so a guy walks into a bar and he grabs a beer. he notices a bottle of tequila and a pair of pliers sittin on the counter. he asks the bartender "why you got those pliers and bottle of tequila on the counter?"

the bartender says "theres a pool goin around, if you can drink that bottle of tequila without throwing up, then use the pliers to remove the aching tooth from the 200 pound pitbull chained to the fence out back, then go upstairs and make love to the 18 year old virgin blonde beauty three times, you'll win $10,000"

the guy goes "fuck it, ill do it". so he starts taking shots of the tequila, and it tastes like shit but he eventually does it after about an hour. he gets up, grabs the pliers, and stumbles out the backdoor. all the patrons in the bar hear screaming, fighting, barking, and it just sounds like an overall shitshow outside.

finally after about half an hour of this hecticness, the noise subsides and the guy comes stumbling back into the bar. his shirt is torn, theres blood everywhere, and he looks like he just got the shit kicked out him. hes still holding the pliers, and he walks up to the bartender and says "aright, now wheres that 18 year girl with the toothache??"

this is hilarious.

9/26/10

Three guys go to heaven.

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates. He tells them, "Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we can only take one of you. To be fair, we've decided to reward the one who had to suffer the most gruesome death. Why don't you tell me how you each died?"

First guys says: "Well, I came home early because I was sure my wife was cheating on me. I hear her in the shower, but I'm convinced the bastard's somewhere in the house. I ran into every room, looking for the guy.

I was just about to give up when I saw him! Hanging off our balcony by his fingertips. I stomped on them, but the fucker just wouldn't let go. So I ran inside and grabbed a hammer and started to bang on his fingers. He finally drops but a gust of wind blows him into a bush ane he survived!!

Well, I was so mad I went inside, dragged out my fridge (damn thing weighed a ton), and threw it over the balcony. It crushed him, but I felt so bad I went back into the apartment, got out my gun and shot myself."

St. Peter, taken aback, nonetheless agrees that this was a gruesome way to die.

He goes to the next guy, and asks him how HE died.

Second guy says: "I was out on the roof of my building when a gust of wind blew me off. I thought I was dead for sure, but I managed to grab hold of a balcony as I was falling. I was about to pull myself to safety when some guy runs out and starts stomping on my fingers. I barely managed to hold on until he gave up. But then he came back out again with a hammer. I couldn't hold and fell ten stories, but another gust of wind blew me into a bush and i survived.

I was just thanking God for my good luck when out of nowhere, a fridge falls out of the sky and crushes me to death."

St. Peter consoles the second man, since he obviously is nursing some broken bones. Shaking his head in disbelief, he asks the third man to explain his death.

The third guy shrugs and says: "Picture this: You're naked. Hiding. In a refrigerator..."

9/26/10
GenghisKhan:

The third guy shrugs and says: "Picture this: You're naked. Hiding. In a refrigerator..."

Hilarious! Haven't heard this one before.

9/26/10

GenghisKhan - you win

9/26/10

old joke, but a good rendition.

9/26/10

President Bush was recently told by a member of his cabinet that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. Immediately, President Bush broke down in tears. His cabinet had never seen him so distraught. After a few minutes, the president regained his composure and asked his adviser, "How many people are in a brazillian?"

9/26/10
compfi:

President Bush was recently told by a member of his cabinet that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. Immediately, President Bush broke down in tears. His cabinet had never seen him so distraught. After a few minutes, the president regained his composure and asked his adviser, "How many people are in a brazillian?"

lol that was hilarious

9/26/10

it's a trick question. the answer tthat he interviewer is looking for is actually something along the lines of,

"you want to know what the biggest joke is? people in finance who don't love what they do. i, on the other hand, find the work very enjo...."

the longer you go on, the better the interviewer rates you. and don't forget the gravitas.

9/26/10
devin:

it's a trick question. the answer tthat he interviewer is looking for is actually something along the lines of,

"you want to know what the biggest joke is? people in finance who don't love what they do. i, on the other hand, find the work very enjo...."

the longer you go on, the better the interviewer rates you. and don't forget the gravitas.

Wouldn't go over well with me

9/26/10
devin:

it's a trick question. the answer tthat he interviewer is looking for is actually something along the lines of,

"you want to know what the biggest joke is? people in finance who don't love what they do. i, on the other hand, find the work very enjo...."

the longer you go on, the better the interviewer rates you. and don't forget the gravitas.

I really hope you're joking, I doubt there is anyone who would actually buy that line.

9/26/10
devin:

it's a trick question. the answer tthat he interviewer is looking for is actually something along the lines of,

"you want to know what the biggest joke is? people in finance who don't love what they do. i, on the other hand, find the work very enjo...."

the longer you go on, the better the interviewer rates you. and don't forget the gravitas.

I would hate you for doing that if I was interviewing..

9/26/10

Lawyer with a frog on his head goes in to see the veterinarian
Vet says boy thataEU(tm)s an ugly looking growth
Frog says Ill say. It started out as a pimple on my ass

9/26/10

true story:
i was on the subway one day and the guy sitting next to me uses the voice recognition dialing function on his cell phone to make a call. he whispers, "son of a bitch." a few seconds later he says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"hey boss..."

9/26/10

Cheney is sitting in his office at the US Naval Observatory, when he gets a call from Bush.

"Dick, I got a problem. I've been doing this puzzle, like you suggested, so I could let you handle the important stuff, but I just can't figure it out. I can't find any of the border pieces, they all look the same, and it doesn't make any sense."

"George, slow down. What is the puzzle of?"

"I don't know, a rooster or something. Dick, will you please just come over here and help me!?"

A few minutes later, Cheney walks into the Oval Office, looks at Bush's desk, and gives him an icey glare. Bush says, "See what I mean, Dick, this puzzle is hard."

Cheney replies, "George, put the god damn Cornflakes back in the box."

That one's a bit long, so this one might be better:

A guy is skiing and gets caught in avalanche. From the bottom of the pit he finally lands in, he hears a faint voice yelling, "Red Cross!"

The guy yells back, "I gave at the office!"

9/26/10

How do you tell and extrovert accountant from an introvert accountant?

The introvert looks at his own shoes, but the extrovert looks at yours.

9/26/10

Bump..I want more jokes..:)

9/26/10

......

9/26/10

what did batman say to robin before getting in the car?

get in the car.

9/26/10

What's the difference between a golf ball and an SUV?

Mr. Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300+ yards.

9/26/10

What did the skeleton say before dinner?

Bon appetit.

9/26/10

so a guy walks into a bar and he grabs a beer. he notices a bottle of tequila and a pair of pliers sittin on the counter. he asks the bartender "why you got those pliers and bottle of tequila on the counter?"

the bartender says "theres a pool goin around, if you can drink that bottle of tequila without throwing up, then use the pliers to remove the aching tooth from the 200 pound pitbull chained to the fence out back, then go upstairs and make love to the 18 year old virgin blonde beauty three times, you'll win $10,000"

the guy goes "fuck it, ill do it". so he starts taking shots of the tequila, and it tastes like shit but he eventually does it after about an hour. he gets up, grabs the pliers, and stumbles out the backdoor. all the patrons in the bar hear screaming, fighting, barking, and it just sounds like an overall shitshow outside.

finally after about half an hour of this hecticness, the noise subsides and the guy comes stumbling back into the bar. his shirt is torn, theres blood everywhere, and he looks like he just got the shit kicked out him. hes still holding the pliers, and he walks up to the bartender and says "aright, now wheres that 18 year girl with the toothache??"

I don't get it...

9/26/10

i think it means he fucked the pitbull 3 times.

9/26/10

LOL Alright thanks.

9/26/10

A duck walks into a store and asks the store owner "do you have any gwapes" (all ducks have speech impediments).
The store owner says, "no we don't have any grapes," so, the duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns, and again the duck asks " do you have any gwapes."
Again, the store owner replies "no, we don't have any grapes," so, the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back and asks, "got any gwapes?"
The irritated store owner replies, "no, we don't have any grapes. If you come back here and ask for grapes again Im going to staple you feet to the floor."
The duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back, and asks the store owner "got any staples"
Flustered the store owner angrily replies "no we dont have any staples"
The duck goes "got any gwapes?"

9/26/10

I don't get it.

9/26/10
superduperanalyst... coming soon:

A duck walks into a store and asks the store owner "do you have any gwapes" (all ducks have speech impediments).
The store owner says, "no we don't have any grapes," so, the duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns, and again the duck asks " do you have any gwapes."
Again, the store owner replies "no, we don't have any grapes," so, the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back and asks, "got any gwapes?"
The irritated store owner replies, "no, we don't have any grapes. If you come back here and ask for grapes again Im going to staple you feet to the floor."
The duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back, and asks the store owner "got any staples"
Flustered the store owner angrily replies "no we dont have any staples"
The duck goes "got any gwapes?"

I literally just dribbled milk everywhere laughing so hard at this joke. 10/10

9/26/10

What do vegetarian zombies like to eat?

(in zombie voice) GGGGRRRAAAINSSSSS

9/26/10

Q: What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
A: It may take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

9/26/10

women's rights.

9/26/10

a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar .....

these genreally work well

9/26/10

I didn't think anyone actually asked these questions until my friend had an interview at some consulting firm...

I've always liked this one:

So there are two muffins baking in an oven
One says, "is it hot in here or just me?"
Then the other says, "holy crap, a talking muffin!"

if you can deliver it correctly, you're guaranteed laughs.

--
Support WSO.com and visit these links!
Financial Modeling Training
Guide to Finance Interviews

9/26/10

A door to door salesman knocks on the front door of a big beautiful house in the suburbs. A little kid, about 8 or 9 answers the door.

He's wearing a smoking jacket, holding a can of beer and a lit cigar in one hand, and a rolled up Playboy magazine in the other hand.

The salesman says " Excuse me son, is your mom or dad home?"

The kid takes a sip of the beer, a drag on the cigar and says " Mister, what the fuck do YOU think?"

9/26/10

Why do women have boobs?
So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.

9/26/10

Any recent jokes to say in a Commodity Trading Company Interview?

9/26/10

How do you handle it? You tell a joke. If you can't think of one then calmly say so - it's just a stress test.

Here's one that I like - it's not just a joke with a punchline so it requires some storytelling ability, but it's also short and clean:

Two investment bankers / traders are walking home after a long day and suddenly a mugger comes up to them with a gun and says "give me all your cash right now." So the two pull out their wallets and start taking out their cash. Then one of the guys pauses, turns to his friend, and says "oh by the way, here is the $100 I owe you."

9/26/10

A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor, hands over a 20 and says "make me one with everything". Hot dog vendor pushes over a hot dog and the Buddhist waits for his change. After a few seconds, he ask about the rest of the money and the vendor replies "Change only comes from within."

9/26/10

If its for Citi:

Interviewer: Tell me a joke

You: your balance sheet

9/26/10
mm2:

If its for Citi:

Interviewer: Tell me a joke

You: your balance sheet

Lol!

A friend of mine thought it was witty to answer that his interview was a joke. No need to say... DING!

9/26/10

Tell that joke.

--There are stupid questions, so think first.
Financial Modeling Training
Banking Resume

9/26/10

PowerMonkey:
Tell that joke.

When I read this post, that is exactly the joke I thought of.

Good way to ensure you never hear from that bank again.

Here it is (warning: NSFW). Extra points for Ron Jeremy appearing in the scene:

9/26/10

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of Starwood Points

9/26/10

I'll have a coke.

9/26/10

Thanks!The investment banker one is good.

9/26/10

hey Patrick 2 guys above are SEO spamming. Either add no follow for all links or delete these guys posts :)

9/26/10

an irishman, englishman and a scotsman walk inside a bar and the barman goes, "what is it, some kind of joke?"

9/26/10

If the interviewer is female,

Interviewer: "Tell me a joke"

You: "Women's Rights"

9/26/10

Hey mm2, Well put, and that's what we want too.

-------
Super Slim Pomegranate | Pai You Guo

9/26/10

What is the difference between jam and jelly?

I've never tried to "jelly" my dick up a girl's ass.

9/26/10

id play the whole interview by ear...if it isnt going well, and given the nature of the banking industry, drop a jewish joke and make the day worth it...if its going pretty well you dont really have a choice....questions like this are usually lose lose, you cant try to do too much and make yourself look retarded, but going too conventional is also boring and shit

9/26/10

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin........

and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the pause."

The bears responds: " FUCK YOU BUDDY, I was born with them."

9/26/10

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin........

and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the pause."

The bears responds: " FUCK YOU BUDDY, I was born with them."

9/26/10

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin........

and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the pause."

The bears responds: " FUCK YOU BUDDY, I was born with them."

9/26/10

^gets funnier every time you read it

9/26/10

Why are there no casinos in Africa...

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

9/26/10
happypantsmcgee:

Why are there no casinos in Africa...

Cause there are too many Cheetahs.....HIYO

But in all seriousness I would go with this; just off handedly ask the interviewer, "Do you think they ever poured Gatorade over Michael Vick's head when his dog won?"

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

9/26/10
happypantsmcgee:
happypantsmcgee:

Why are there no casinos in Africa...

Cause there are too many Cheetahs.....HIYO

But in all seriousness I would go with this; just off handedly ask the interviewer, "Do you think they ever poured Gatorade over Michael Vick's head when his dog won?"

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?

9/26/10

tell me

9/26/10

a cock in an ass?

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

9/26/10

How many MIT grads does it take to plug in a lightbulb?

Two, plus a kid from UMass.

Two to design and build the nuclear reactor, the UMass kid to realize they merely left the lightswitch off and plug in the lightbulb.

(After I realize my interviewer is from MIT- uhoh)
How many Illinoisians does it take to plug in a lightbulb?
None, we don't have electricity yet.

9/26/10
IlliniProgrammer:

How many MIT grads does it take to plug in a lightbulb?

Two, plus a kid from UMass.

Two to design and build the nuclear reactor, the UMass kid to realize they merely left the lightswitch off and plug in the lightbulb.

(After I realize my interviewer is from MIT- uhoh)
How many Illinoisians does it take to plug in a lightbulb?
None, we don't have electricity yet.

Why do I get the feeling that while all the other kids were playing ball you were up all hours of the night plotting how you were going to grow up and take big fat shits on elitist ivy league twats?

9/26/10
Midas Mulligan Magoo:

Why do I get the feeling that while all the other kids were playing ball you were up all hours of the night plotting how you were going to grow up and take big fat shits on elitist ivy league twats?

WHAT? How did you kn... {IP quickly hides several diagrams and a map of Cambridge on his desk}

Naw, naw. I just enjoy nerdy/corny engineering jokes.

How many liberal arts majors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and the other to drink until the room starts spinning.

9/26/10

2 ft. of my cock in your ass...nice try thoough

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

9/26/10
Midas Mulligan Magoo:

2 ft. of my cock in your ass...nice try thoough

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne stops coming all over a kids face after he turns 18?

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

9/26/10
happypantsmcgee:
Midas Mulligan Magoo:

2 ft. of my cock in your ass...nice try thoough

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne stops coming all over a kids face after he turns 18?

actually 12 but you're heart's in the right place...

how abou this what slimy, green, cold and smells like pork?

9/26/10
Midas Mulligan Magoo:

2 ft. of my cock in your ass...nice try thoough

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

They both come all over little boys faces but Clearasil only gets rid of one?

9/26/10

You don't think I asked for a twelve inch pianist do yah?

Man walks into a bar and he starts talking into his hand. After a little while he starts typing in mid-air. The man at the bar says, "What are you doing?" "Well it's the newest thing. I've had my entire office suite implanted into my body so that I can always stay in touch no matter what! Squeeze me gotta take a piss." Five minutes later he comes hobbling out of the bathroom. "Quick! I need a roll of toilet paper I'm receiving a fax!"

9/26/10

Kermit's fingers.

9/26/10

I think you got me on this one 3M...I have a rather racist joke but Ill wait til someone else posts one before I defame the reputation, or wahts left it, of this forum

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

9/26/10

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second ...

9/26/10

Here ya go happypants-

I'd like to tell a little known story about the Alamo.
On that fateful day, Davy Crocket woke up from his room on the west side of the Alamo and headed out into the courtyard. There, he saw Jim Bowie and William Travis standing in the watchtower, looking out to the east. Crockett went up to join them, and gazed out to see thousands of Mexicans steadily streaming towards them.

Upon seeing this, Crockett got a perplexed look on his face..

He turned to Bowie and said, "Jim...are we landscaping today?"

Disclaimer: I'm hispanic so it's ok..

9/26/10

The fact that you're actually hispanic negates you pulling a Jackie Robinson and breaching the racial divide for tacky jokes....that shit was pretty funny though

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

9/26/10
happypantsmcgee:

The fact that you're actually hispanic negates you pulling a Jackie Robinson and breaching the racial divide for tacky jokes....that shit was pretty funny though

Ya I know, gotta get the people off my back though. That's why i put it at the end.

If it helps I'm only half-hispanic actually.

9/26/10

A man goes up to a women on the street and says 'If I give you $1mm, will you sleep with me?'

She replies 'Uhhh, well, gosh I guess for 1 million.'

He goes 'Would you do it for 2 dollars?'

She says snappily 'What kind of women do you think I am?'

He responds 'We've already established that, now we're just haggling for a price.'

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