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mod note (Andy): this was originally posted on 6/20/2011 and was voted one of the top threads of 2011

I'm a jedi knight looking to break into investment banking. I went through the jedi academy (it was kind of one of those things where they recruited me when I was really young and wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do) but anyways long story short I am a Jedi knight now and I'm not really going anywhere. Everyone said that it goes Padawan --> Knight --> Master but its fucking impossible to become a master now. I was always interested in finance while I was in the academy and I know that I ultimately wish to enter Ibanking.
Now I know like all non-traditional job seekers everyone is going to start bombarding me with questions. Do you know what finance is about let alone I-Banking? Can you work 100 hours a week? WTF a jedi knight?
My reasons for going into finance are personal, but because I know that no one will answer my question unless I give my motives here it is.
1. Exit ops to the dark side aren't that good. Back in the day there were tons of positions in the dark side but now the rule is one Sith lord and one apprentice.
2. The Jedi Council is fucking impossible to get into
3. I know money doesn't matter but being a Jedi has gotten really bad. I know I won't necessarily be at a hedge fund making 500K in a year but as long as I can own a car and live in a respectable place I will be happy.
4. I really don't like the whole not having sex thing. I know Anakin did it but he was able to lateral to the dark side. As I said before I really don't have that kind of exit op so if I get fired Im screwed.
5. I know everyone says Jedis have the best job security but I sense a disturbance in the force that tells me that's about to change very soon...
Few stats:
I studied at non-target Jedi Academy, my midi-chlorian count is 900 (I know that's low but I plan to retest), I was the head of my academy's book club
Just a few questions:
1. Do I have a shot of getting into I-Banking straight from the academy or should I enter some other finance field and lateral after a few years of exp?
2. Should I stay in the academy an extra year so I can do an internship somewhere?
3. I currently have an offer for an unpaid internship at a top boutique IB but I currently only have 7,000 republic dataries will that be enough to live in NY for the summer?
4. If I get into a top MBA program can I be hired as an associate?
P.S. to all of you who are going to state the obvious (transfer to a target) I tried contacting the jedi temple on Coruscant but no one picked up.

11 1

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Comments (61)

  • unknown4ever's picture

    someone got baked as fuck...

  • Argonaut's picture

    JKnight:

    4. I really don't like the whole not having sex thing. I know Anakin did it but he was able to lateral to the dark side. As I said before I really don't have that kind of exit op so if I get fired Im screwed.

    Don't you mean the other way around - if you start screwing, you will get fired?

    More is good, all is better

  • rickyross's picture

    After having just watched Empire Strikes Back on Spike this made me LOL hard

    People tend to think life is a race with other people. They don't realize that every moment they spend sprinting towards the finish line is a moment they lose permanently, and a moment closer to their death.

  • AlphaGeneration's picture

    This is hilarious

  • Argonaut's picture

    (The people LOLing hard are also baked as fuck)

    More is good, all is better

  • charmander's picture

    I don't think that you'd be a good fit for IBD. Your post formatting is awful, and you've failed to capitalize "Jedi" on multiple occasions.

    How sharp are your mind-reading skills? If you can keep tabs on Bernanke, you'd make a killing in S&T. You should go talk to that BB rates trader guy.

  • rafiki's picture

    Can you use the Jedi mind trick on your interviewer?

    Seriously people...

  • Bfox33's picture
  • AlexanderHamilton's picture

    hahaha as a semi-geek (okay, total geek), I loved this.

    Liar's Poker has REALLY affected how I view the word "geek".

    Patrick Bateman would eat Eddie Morra's lunch (and probably his brains).

  • El_Mono's picture

    Kudos sir.

    Valor is of no service, chance rules all, and the bravest often fall by the hands of cowards. - Tacitus

    Dr. Nick Riviera: Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!

  • happypantsmcgee's picture

    This was pretty solid work

    If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

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  • guerrillagrrl's picture

    Geeks rule the world. Geeks >>>>>> Jocks

  • ekimlacks's picture

    I don't know if there is much hope for you, but here's some tips.

    First off, your Midi-chlorian count is beyond low. You're obviously no Anakin Skywalker (20,000 per cell), but you're not even up to a normal human's range which is 2,500 per cell. It's no wonder you're having difficulty making it to the Jedi Council with those levels. You should strongly retest as soon as possible.

    Second off, if you demonstrated to a Sith Lord that you were hungry and ambitious enough you may stand a chance making it. Learning telepathy and psychokinesis should already be down, but if you could learn Force Lightning you would really be in good shape to impress the pants off of some of the higher level Sith Lords.

    Lastly, contacting Coruscant without any prior experience and sub-par Midi-chlorian count is pretty bold. I mean...We're talking about the Imperial Center here....Put your expectations a bit lower and you may succeed.

    Good luck!

    I think that we are all clinging to a great many piano tops...

  • AlexanderHamilton's picture

    You're barely galactic rim material.

    Patrick Bateman would eat Eddie Morra's lunch (and probably his brains).

  • D M's picture

    A+, thanks

    "You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer
    "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee

  • cubechimp's picture

    I can understand your desire to lateral out of Jedi Knighthood. Some great perks but the strings attached to the job can be rough. Consider a move into an industry where you can put your unique talents to a better use--gambling, maybe podracing. Banking can be very clubby and if you didn't go to an elite Inner Planets academy you may have a hard time breaking in. That's why networking is so important--have you served with any Knights that have successfully made the move?

  • rickyross's picture

    Argonaut mad cuz he didn't think of it first

    People tend to think life is a race with other people. They don't realize that every moment they spend sprinting towards the finish line is a moment they lose permanently, and a moment closer to their death.

  • chancethebanker's picture

    toasting in epic bread

  • UFOinsider's picture

    JKnight:
    P.S. to all of you who are going to state the obvious (transfer to a target) I tried contacting the jedi temple on Coruscant but no one picked up.

    Visit Degobah - the training is more concentrated then the standard programs.

    "Whats in there"
    "Only what you bring with you."

    Get busy living

  • In reply to rickyross
    Argonaut's picture

    rickyross:
    Argonaut mad cuz he didn't think of it first

    Lol

    More is good, all is better

  • JKnight's picture

    So I've been going through the application process and I was wondering if I can apply as a URM or not. I am of Gungan descent (really underrepresented in the Jedi world, regardless of what anyone says about Jar Jar being the first ambassador or whatever discrimination is still alive and well).
    Also, what do I check? Should I just go with other and/or put it in my personal statement?

  • absinthe's picture

    A gungan jedi...let me guess you can't use the force either...

  • In reply to JKnight
    dagro's picture

    JKnight:
    P.S. to all of you who are going to state the obvious (transfer to a target) I tried contacting the jedi temple on Coruscant but no one picked up.

    JKnight:
    I am of Gungan descent (really underrepresented in the Jedi world, regardless of what anyone says about Jar Jar being the first ambassador or whatever discrimination is still alive and well).

    pure gold!

    AlexanderHamilton:
    You're barely galactic rim material.

    rim material...

    =========================================
    "... then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

  • RKA's picture

    Well, even lightsaber cant helps you get through those vicious Goldman Sach's security guards....

    They even made Darth Vader opened up the helmet for his summer internship..

    Oil & Gas monkey

  • IlliniProgrammer's picture

    Star Wars nerds start in IT. You'll be working with Chewbakka for 12 months on the commodities booking database. ;-)

  • In reply to IlliniProgrammer
    UFOinsider's picture

    IlliniProgrammer:
    Star Wars nerds start in IT. You'll be working with Chewbakka for 12 months on the commodities booking database. ;-)

    Maybe, but it's entirely possible to run into a chick like this:
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110620/ap_on_en_ot/us...

    Get busy living

  • dayaaam's picture

    i know of an old ass jedi who lives in some cave in tattooine - he may help you write a recommendation to transfer to coruscant.

    but you do have to answer this question -

    How fast did the Millennium Falcon do the Kessel Run?

  • hedgefund13's picture

    Jabba runs a global macro strategy hedge fund that would possibly consider someone with your background.

    Looking for a Finance Job - currently unemployed.

  • happypantsmcgee's picture

    You're all a bunch of fucking dorks.

    If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

  • In reply to hedgefund13
    Barboone's picture

    hedgefund13:
    Jabba runs a global macro strategy hedge fund that would possibly consider someone with your background.

    Hillarious I was thinking the same thing... Last time I saw him he was on a trans-atlantic flight; stuffing his mouth with beluga caviar.

    "The higher up the mountain, the more treacherous the path"
    -Frank Underwood

  • In reply to hedgefund13
    Barboone's picture

    hedgefund13:
    Jabba runs a global macro strategy hedge fund that would possibly consider someone with your background.

    Hillarious I was thinking the same thing... Last time I saw him he was on a trans-atlantic flight; stuffing his mouth with beluga caviar.

    "The higher up the mountain, the more treacherous the path"
    -Frank Underwood

  • In reply to Edmundo Braverman
    D M's picture

    Edmundo Braverman:
    dayaaam:
    How fast did the Millennium Falcon do the Kessel Run?

    Parsecs are a measure of distance and not speed, n00b.

    He did it in under 9 parsecs. And they talk about how fast they did the Kessel Run in terms of distance because it involves going through, essentially, a maze of black holes which fucks with the time-distance relationship. So doing it in under a certain distance implies a faster time.

    I may have been a little too into Star Wars in my youth... glad that's come full circle to help me out in serious discussions like these.

    "You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer
    "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee

  • ekimlacks's picture

    Served.

    I think that we are all clinging to a great many piano tops...

  • In reply to D M
    dayaaam's picture

    D M:
    Edmundo Braverman:
    dayaaam:
    How fast did the Millennium Falcon do the Kessel Run?

    Parsecs are a measure of distance and not speed, n00b.

    He did it in under 9 parsecs. And they talk about how fast they did the Kessel Run in terms of distance because it involves going through, essentially, a maze of black holes which fucks with the time-distance relationship. So doing it in under a certain distance implies a faster time.

    I may have been a little too into Star Wars in my youth... glad that's come full circle to help me out in serious discussions like these.

    mad respect for the clarification, i was just reiterating rumors I overheard from freight pirates, i'm only a mere squid-looking oboe player at mos eisley cantina

  • Cookies With Milken's picture

    You should have no trouble making the transition. It's not impossible, it should be just like shooting wamp rats in your T-16 back home.

    I will warn you though the background check is tough. They made a friend of mine go into a cave to face his worst fears AFTER he already spent days running around a fucking swamp with his future associate ON HIS BACK. It's tough bro, mad tough.

  • dwight schrute's picture

    This is the gold standard for all future trolls to hold themselves up to. Excellent work.

    Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art - Andy Warhol

  • wolverine19x89's picture

    lol... good stuff

    If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.

    "There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.

  • maktec5's picture

    Fucking hilarious. Nice work.

    Still I Rise

  • In reply to dwight schrute
    UFOinsider's picture

    dwight schrute:
    This is the gold standard for all future trolls to hold themselves up to.

    yep

    Get busy living

  • Independent Gestion's picture

    Um I was pretty busy at work for a few days but you just made it all worth it OP....

    Golden.

    "Until and unless you discover that money is the root of all good, you ask for your own destruction. When money ceases to become the means by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of other men. Blood, whips and guns or dollars."

  • WSOhusky's picture

    How regulated are the bounty hunter markets?

    Is there Vader-choking-you-upon-failure oversight?

  • Muskrateer's picture

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  • Genesis's picture

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