Life in Corporate Paradise

You wake up at 6:01

Immediately your neuro-HUD shows a 0.5$ debit to your account due to having slept in trademark “iWhite” sheets. Your sleep cycle has been recorded entirely by Google Inc. Neuroogle’s biosense app and a full register of your brain waves and other bodily activities have been uploaded to Google’s servers for anonymous study purposes. Your Apple iWhite Sheets are actually graphene-based smart devices which detect just how much sweat, skin flakes, oils, farts and mites you’ve rubbed onto its surface and this data is being transmitted to Apple’s servers for big data study as well… all of this so that these companies can provide a better service to their customers.

”GOOD MORNING!” –shouts your personal Google virtual Assistant (GVA) from inside your head- TODAY IS ANITA SARKEESIAN’S DEATH ANNIVERSARY AT THE HANDS OF CHRISTIAN EXTREMIST PATRIARCHO-TERRORISTS, AND TO CONMEMORATE SUCH AN IMPORTANT DATE, GOOGLE HAS CREATED A SPECIAL DOODLE JUST FOR HER [watch Doodle], ALSO: McDonalds’ HAS RELEASED A NEW SOY-MILK SUNDAE IN HER HONOR CALLED “FEMIMINT FREE-QUEEN-ICY”.

You roll around in your bed trying to get around waking up proper, your bed is nice and warm and you’d like to stay in it for a few more minutes, however your relaxation is cut short when a soft and calm bong springs from the back of your head and your bed talks to you

“GOOD MORNING YOU ARE GETTING CLOSE TO THE SLEEP-CYCLE THRESHOLD, IN 2 MINUTES TIME YOU WILL INCUR IN ADITIONAL CHARGES FOR USING APPLE’S iBed SOFTWARE, YOU CAN CHANGE THE TIME THIS WARNING IS GIVEN OR DISABLE IT COMPLETELYBY ACCESSING THE CONFIGURATION’S MENU.”

A second bong reminds you that your iBed license will expire in 12 days; you need to purchase a license renovation if you want to continue using your iBed.
Your eyes are now wide open and you stare at the ceiling for a couple of seconds, and then move your hand towards your penis to inspect it. You’re surprised to see that your daily morning boner is gone. You prompt the voice command to bring your GVA to life and ask him where your boner has gone this morning, to which it quickly responds:

“DID YOU MEAN…. WHERE IS MY CIS-GENDERED GENITAL ORGAN’S INVOLUNTARY STATE OF PRE-PENETRATORY, COITAL AROUSAL?”

To which you reply “…y-yes?”

”CONGRATULATIONS!” -It says- “YOU HAVE BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED FOR THE BETATESTING OF A NEW FEATURE OF OUR CISGENDER-PRIVILEGE COUNTERMEASURES! YOUR RIFD CHIP AND THE Neuroogle IMPLANT HAVE TEMPORARILY SHUT OFF THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT CAUSED THOSE PESKY AND UNFAIR MORNING PRIVILEGES!

Google Inc. Does not take responsibility for any supposed side effects from disconnecting brain functions, all changes are supposed to be temporary unless stated otherwise. Access to this beta feature will incur in a 1.99$ fee charged immediately to any available bank accounts

Neuro-HUD shows 1.99$ debit to your accounts labeled as “GOOGLE software betatesting, thank you for helping us help you.”
With your brain tampered with your consent (you accepted the terms of service, after all) and your iWallet quickly losing money, you decide to jump out of bed to take a morning piss.

As you shuffle to your bathroom, you notice Google is auto-sharing the highlights of your sleep patterns to your social networking sites, ever since your RFID chip was synchronized to your “neuroogle” implant, ALL of your bodily functions are being scanned and some are shared to your Mandatory Facebook account.
When you step on the cold bathroom floor, you notice the iToilet is glowing red, it is mandatory for you to sit down for your morning pee and voluntary consumer’s urine test. You rest assured that the results of these random bi-weekly tests are entirely private, and they are only shared between Apple Inc. Google Inc. The Ministry of health. The local law-enforcement agencies. And your employer.
You sit down to pee; the screen in front of your Toilet displays a number of ads, mostly for female-genitalia hygiene and a new drug to regulate bowel movements.

After a quick morning showers using proprietary hardware and software for maximum skin care and morning relaxation, a bong from your GVA announces a 0.99$ debit to your account due to using full shower features plus 2.99$ due to software updates. Your payday was yesterday, so why not treat yourself with some pampering?

Afterwards, you make your way to your kitchen to get a Starbucks. The company itself being the biggest brand of coffee in your country, has trademarked the use of the word “coffee” and now the drink in general is known as a Starbucks, regardless of brand. As you place your right hand in front of the coffee machine, a 0.95$ debit is made to your account due to software and trademark fees, however the machine tells you that there’s a new software update available, you decline the update but as soon as you try to get the Starbucks again, the machine says that it lacks the required drivers to proceed and that you must update software. This time you agree and you are charged 1.99$ due to license changes in the update and you are told to wait 5 minutes while system installs new package and reboots.

7 minutes later, you sit down with your aspartame-sweetened cup of steaming Starbucks Drink. You get a Social network notification on Facebook, 21 people (12 of which are companies and 4 are Astroturf zombie accounts) have “liked” your neural registers from last night, specially a nice peak in activity at around 11:38 AM during a very intense dream-ad for the “Third fight of the century PPV on HBO next Sunday!” which is shared on your wall immediately.

You pour a bowl of Monsanto’s “Gene-erioos!” genetically engineered Oatcorn puffed cereal which can only be “activated” (made digestible) with Monsanto’s enhanced soy milk. You are notified of yet another transaction, now 0.99$ debited from your account filed under “automated google neuro-sense news” and surely enough, a few seconds later, your neuro-HUD begins displaying a series of articles with very eye-catching photos next to the headlines.

“9 KEY HABITS THAT PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE HAVE!”.
"GOOD NEWS: THE U.N. MIGHT FINALLY MAKE WORLD-WIDE MALE CIRCUMCISION MANDATORY THIS YEAR!”
“YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK TO REGROW LOST PUBIC HAIR!”
“LADY GAGA COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET “I AM TRANSPECIES OTTERKIN AND MORE” SAYS STAR!”.

The pointless news don’t really have anything spicy or worth knowing in them, mostly it’s just random crap with product placement in them. Your HUD continues to show more social networking notifications, your company has retweeted the “COMPLIANT” Results of your piss-test. An ominous bong followed by a persistent vibration-like buzz reminds you it is time to take your mandatory meds, a spike in testosterone was found in your urine test earlier this morning, which reminds you that you have to take your quarterly dose of Testosterone suppressants.
You reflect on how less problematic you’ve become since the hormone regulation law was introduced two years ago. Its purpose was to eliminate “the possibility of rapes and gender inequity through preventive medication.” Surely the price of security for womanhood and trans-womanhood is well worth the emotional outbursts, low energy and occasional drops of milk that squirt from your man-nipples whenever you’re stressed.
You pour yourself a glass of Monsanto’s registered pure spring fluoridated water and down the 10+1 pills you must take to get on with your day.

Having eaten your breakfast and taken your “supplements”, you decide to get dressed for work with some music to pick up your mood and get you going all fast-paced like. You’d like to activate your Smart integral home audio system but it’s been a while since you listened to music at home, so long in fact that there seems to be a whole lot of updates piled up PLUS a software license renovation. Since the updates and the renovation have been held up for quite a while you’ve also accumulated a series of fees and fines; it all sums up to the amount of 198.40$ in total, however your audio system says there’s a new way to update your software and renovate a license extension for free, all you have to do is sign up for a software beta testing of a new service called “AdVoiceU” which can actually hook you up with 0.05$ a week! This seems almost too good to be true and honestly, you’d prefer not to listen to anything at all, let alone get buttfucked with yet another beta testing key.

You’re about to cancel everything and get dressed in your gray gender-neutral work uniform, when all of the sudden something goes horribly wrong… you bump you elbow with a drawer, you hit your Ulnar nerve and send an electric pain down your entire forearm, you curse loudly and flail in the floor while rubbing that damned spot in your elbow.

“THANK YOU FOR AGREEING TO TAKE PART IN OUR “AdVoiceU” beta testing! Your audio system will now update!”

“Wh-what!? NonononNOOO NO CANCEL EVERYTHING GODDAMN IT!” You screech in your bedroom like a madman cursing your bad luck. “UPDATES COMPLETED!- INSTALLING “AdVoiceU” Software to your Neuroogle implant, now!” says the audio system as David Bowie’s “big brother” blasts in the background. Last time you used your Home audio you had it tuned to the “oldies” station. You are shocked and you fall to the ground and slip from consciousness for a while, as software is being installed directly onto your frontal lobe through Wi-fi.
You wake up shortly, drooling and gently having pissed yourself a little, your senses start coming back to you as you hear David sing:
“I know you think you're awful square Lord, I think You'd overdose If You knew what's goin' down!”
A bong comes from inside your stirred head, muddying your thoughts even further with a sedative yet commanding tone “Installation successful” it says. It is followed by another bong notifying you of a 0.67$ debit to your account, this time comming from the record company who owns all of David Bowie’s recordings.

Heavily disoriented and somewhat scared of what you accidentally got yourself into, you prompt your GVA to search for just what the hell is an “AdVoiceU”. The corpopedia article begins reading itself in a gender-neutral, placid voice that describes how the software essentially taps into the parts of your brain that control your speech for short burtst of time and broadcast an ad using your voice, this is done because recent Big Data studies have determined that a familiar face and voice have a better impact regarding product reception in possible consumers than when its relayed through conventional means.

You decide to change your pissed slacks and head to work hoping that this doesn’t mean what you think it means. However, soon enough, you discover that the the” AdVoiceU” synchronizes itself with your Neuroogle implant’s sensory feed systems and every time you see a familiar face, the command of your own voice is stripped from you, and a generic greeting with a pre-recorded message is spoken through your mouth and you’re unable to make it stop. Seeing as the software is in beta phase and it still cannot control all of your facial muscles, all you can do is put on a face of terror and embarrassment as you tell people of Monsanto’s new tasty Soy-based hamburger meat available now in McDonald’s.
Al l day long you blurb random commercials that try to appear spontaneous, but everybody knows what’s really going on, and you’ve just made an ass out of yourself in the entire office.

At lunch break, a scooter-bound disabled body-positive transgender Xhir in a neon blue latex hijab and cat ears, shoots a mean look towards you when you involuntarily spout an ad for bacon-flavored dietary soy treats . Later that day you’re summoned to the HR department with an anonymous complaint of body-shaming and islamophobia filed to your name. la_Shaniqua scolds you for your insulting and oppressive behavior and is typing up a company fine for 200$ while you try to explain that it wasn’t your fault. You accidentally activated a beta test for an ad program and have no control over the ads you relay; however, she isn’t very convinced and says “you cheap-ass cracka shoulda pay fo yo damn licenses n’ shit”.
She gives you a 250$ company fine instead and sends you on your way. Your GVA registers the company fine and the Global Banking and Credit association warns you that this amount will be deducted from your total credit card limit and that you must pay a 799$+taxes fine to have your previous limit restored.
The rest of your day at work isn’t very good after all this; you continue to blurb ads every now and then, and all through the office the Xhirs and Zirs gossip in the gender-neutral bathrooms and water coolers about the guy who was too cheap to pay for a software update and chose to be a goddamn walking infomercial instead.

Such is Life in Corporate Paradise.