Please help edit my cover letter (IBD)

Hi guys,
I would really appreciate some feedback on my IBD cover letter. Thank you in advance, and feel free to be harsh!

Attachment Size
WSO Cover.doc 33 KB 33 KB
 

high-level comments: - "dude. cut this in half. no one is going to read all that" - They don’t care as much about why GS, so you can scratch half of the "why GS" paragraph. They also don’t care why you want to work for them (except the fact you want to do deals). they want to know what you can do FOR THEM - More results. “I was a leader and implemented XYZ project that accomplished X” - no complicated words / fancy english rhetoric. (in banking terms, "distill" is complicated, and NO rhetorical questions.)

PM-ing you with specific comments / edits. i'm doing this really quickly at work, let me know if you have any questions about what i wrote

 

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