Given the spike in relationship related threads on these boards in the last few months, I figured I would drop this article here, which seems to address like 90% of them. Despite its potentially maudlin title, it's worth a read. Really like this guy, great writer.
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SB +1
This is a great link and I would encourage others to read it. I think one of the key things for developing successful relationships is to establish expectations and figure out compatibility early on. This is, admittedly, an incredibly difficult thing to do, especially when your judgment is clouded by a dopamine/oxytocin-induced coma of "love" (read: infatuation), and you're likely thrilled simply by the novelty of everything. This article mentions ambitions and world views as being important and I'm inclined to agree. In several of the other threads, people have posted that they'd only be happy if their significant other was in a high-earning/high-powered career track (e.g. doctor/lawyer/etc.) and while that may be nice on paper, I think it serves more as an indication of prioritizing wealth/money over things that, all else equal, should be more important.
My girlfriend is a nurse, and while it's not necessarily the highest-paying career or something that I could ever see myself doing, it's what she's passionate about and I respect that. She absolutely loves what she does, is incredibly curious about the medical field, and is kind and caring with her patients. She has no interest in the financial markets, but she pretends to care about my work and engages in conversations about deals I'm working on. It matters to me that she makes an effort to learn more about the things I'm passionate about, and likewise, I try to do the same. I've seen her interact with patients and people who need medical attention, both at the hospital and in public, e.g. if one of our friends does something stupid while they're drunk and needs assistance, and I appreciate what she does in those situations. She's not incredibly materialistic, and she genuinely cares about other people, and I really value that in a relationship.
I realize that the common sentiment on this forum touted by quite a few vocal users is "money over everything, never get married, women suck and you should sign a prenup if you're dumb enough to fall into their trap" and I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I feel like that's such a jaded and cynical way to go about life. Realistically, having someone who knows you well and supports you is invaluable. Finding somebody who has similar world views and doesn't argue over the petty shit is worth a hell of a lot to me. I think as you grow up, you find out what does, and what doesn't, matter. It's so so easy to angry over the little things, and I sometimes catch myself doing it, but holy shit it does not matter. My girlfriend left the milk out? I don't give a shit. She's going out to the bars for girl's night? Cool, have a good time, I'd love to hear about it when you get back. Pissing away your time in a relationship arguing about things that don't matter is such an easy way to make your life miserable. If I come home from a day of work where my MD just absolutely shit on my work, I want to come home and enjoy the company of someone else - not arguing about whether we need Venetian or Roman blinds in the kitchen. And it's so nice having that support system after a particularly trying day.
It's also important to find somebody who is happy alone, as well as in your company. I need time to myself, and I shouldn't be made to feel like a shitty person if I just want to come home, throw on some shorts and watch hockey. Finding a person who you are comfortable just hanging out with doing nothing in particular is a great test of compatibility. Obviously finding somebody like this takes work and it's not going to magically fall into your hands, but if you put in the effort I guarantee it'll be worth the work. Relationships take work, no shit, and the whole "grass is greener" belief is such a crock of shit. No, the grass isn't always greener on the other side - it's greener where you water it.
A lot of people have an incredibly convoluted view about what a relationship should, or should not, look like but realistically speaking it's different for everybody. I seriously cannot stress compatibility enough. I can't remember the source, but one of the greatest indicators of a relationship's long term potential is whether the two people come from the same (or relatively similar) socioeconomic backgrounds. Having similar expectations for what you'd like your live(s) to look like saves you the headache of arguing later down the road. I think a lot of people end up hating relationships because they have unrealistic ideals of what their relationship should look like, but a lot of the times, it's about compromise and finding somebody who is able to compromise with you, too. Sure, you'll get in arguments, but the argument isn't a zero-sum game and there doesn't have to be a winner or loser. It should be "us vs. the situation" rather than "me vs. you".
That isn't to say that you should be an absolute door mat and always be the one who compromises. The article mentions that it's normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice your own desires, needs and time for one another, and I agree - so long as it's reciprocated on the other end. It's a two way street, and while I think you should pick your battles, I would also hope that you can find a relationship where your significant other respects your opinions, beliefs and choices and also knows when to back down. You should never be made to feel ashamed, or degraded, or belittled for anything. And if you're unhappy in your relationship -- not just temporarily, but chronically -- then fucking change it.
Relationships are built on trust, good communication skills, ability to compromise, having similar expectations, mutual respect, and a few other things. It's important to step back and analyze your relationship every once in a while. If you wouldn't tolerate certain behavior in a close friendship, then why would you ever allow yourself to be treated that way in a relationship?
"I think as you grow up, you find out what does, and what doesn't, matter. It's so so easy to angry over the little things, and I sometimes catch myself doing it, but holy shit it does not matter. My girlfriend left the milk out? I don't give a shit. She's going out to the bars for girl's night? Cool, have a good time, I'd love to hear about it when you get back. Pissing away your time in a relationship arguing about things that don't matter is such an easy way to make your life miserable."
This.
Great post.
Giving the author a run for his money. Have a banana.
+1 SB. Good stuff.
Damn well put. SB'ed.
Excellent post, and very true. All great points, hoping this makes it to the FP so everyone can see this.
After going through many shitty situations with plenty of women, I've come to a similar conclusion.
The sad thing is how few people actually try to use this mindset in their lives. When I look back at all the relationships my friends have been in (and even many of my own), I see the exact opposite of this. It's mind-blowing how sometimes as people we just don't get it.
I can't tell you how many people I know who force themselves to stay with someone just because they're too scared to let go. It's all they have....the relationship has become its own separate entity apart from the two people involved in it, and one of them is afraid of that entity ceasing to exist. I think many have been there, but unfortunately few seem to realize why it happens and how to avoid it going forward.
I try to help people see this when I'm in a position to, but so many are actually more comfortable in their "relationshit" than they are being single. This is the main problem, I think. There is an absolute lack of ability to be independent in so many people these days. Unfortunately, so many have learned to become emotionally dependent, and it shows in the way they conduct their relationships. It's quite sad too, because it's basically self-tortue. You put yourself in a position where you tie yourself to this person who you almost hate but you cannot stand to let go of them. They ruin your life, run you down, derail your career or other goals, a million other things...yet you stick around. I see this far too much, and it's quite frustrating.
Like you say, I also agree that the whole "Women are all blood-sucking liars who want nothing more than to suck the life out of you and turn you into a pile of rubble" point of view is extremely misguided. There are certainly women like that...just like there are assholes who cheat on their SOs, abuse them (mentally, emotionally, or worse), and generally beat them into submission with their words and actions. There's scumbags on both sides of the coin, and neither speak for the majority of people. I see so much of this on other sites where there's a majority of male users, and it's silly. Usually people enter into these types of relationships when they're young and inexperienced, and then are scared for life. Plenty of women are like this too.
There is nothing better in the world than a relationship like you describe...someone you can just be around, hang out with, communicate easily with about anything. There is literally no better thing in the world than being in a committed relationship with someone like that. However, it's rare to see that. That's what a relationship should be, however people use relationships for validation, safety, free sex, a million other things that all but ensure they will fail from the start.
@"Going Concern" That's a great piece, one small thing I would maybe modify is that the author seems to pain "lust" or "infatuation" with the same brush as real love. He's pretty much right, although I would add that anyone who is truly in love with someone else would follow through on all the points he made. Someone who's only attracted in a physical way or who has an emotional dependency (not love) will exhibit all the negatives he speaks about, or the relationship will after a period of time.
Wow too long but really, this seems to be something that is on everyone's minds lately.
Fair point. Though I think that ultimately comes down to semantics. I think the author's main point of emotional vs non-emotional considerations is an interesting one.
Will read at the airport tonight. Thanks for sharing.
It cracks me up at some point! good article
Good read. +1.
Amazing piece. So many thoughts here so I'll try to keep it brief.
I believe that modern U.S. society, influenced by feminism, TV/movies, and social media, have played a major role in this disturbing trend whereby "love" and the feelings that accompany it, are placed on a pedestal over everything else. Virtues such as loyalty, values, compassion, intelligence, trustworthiness, etc., are considered secondaray to whether the guy can make you "swoon" and feel those "butterflies" that society says is the ultimate goal of a relationship. One of the main reasons why reasonably nice guys become assholes and why the cottage Pick-up artist industry has taken off is due to this reason. In today's hypergamous U.S. society, where narcissism and feeling good are what matters, guys are forced to adapt and modify their behavior in order to get desirable chicks. Women in turn go out with more and more guys and eventually get disillusioned and lament as to why they can't just find a "nice" man they can settle down with. Well the answer is right in front of them, but they are too jaded and self-absorbed to see what's going on.
U.S. society in general is undergoing some unpleasant shifts right now, and it's only going to get worse.
I mostly agree with this, though I would argue that feeling good is actually the ultimate goal, just not exclusively in a physical sense, but in a more holistic way, in terms of overall emotional health. The author actually has a book that criticizes most of the pick-up artist industry as just shallow gimmicks and argues that confidently and honestly being your true self is the best way to establish more genuine connections with the fairer sex and maximize your own happiness. Very insightful read.
I agree that we all aim to be happy. No question about it. I guess my main argument would be that people have a very short-term and superficial definition of happiness. In the context of this discussion, the feeling of lust and infatution are taking precedence over a genuine deep connection you have with another human being.
I also agree that most of the PUA industry is a scam and exploits guys who are struggling with girls. However, there are some PUAs such as "Tyler Durden" (real name is Owen Cook) who brings to the table a lot of great insights into human psychology and social value that are ultimately rooted in evolutionary biology as well as the realities of modern society.
Thanks for sharing
great read
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