These are the skills that no one will ever tell you you'll need:
How to field-strip HP9000 laser printers using only a letter opener and a piece of twine... and no ink on the Thomas Pink, natch.
How to ungroup and alter charts in PowerPoint instead of pasting them in from fresh data. Yeah, don't say you don't know what I'm talking about here.
How to FactSet, massage, then Alt-ESV the entire comp summary sheet. It's parallel to a gangster shooting his opponents and burying them in concrete. It's highly unlikely anyone will ever find the evidence, but if they do... run. Just run. No amount of omerta is gonna save you.
How to change any and all "data as of" dates to something more current without actually rerunning the numbers... and how not to get caught. (Hint: double-check with a data provider to make sure it's still in the ballpark.)
How to make sure nobody actually ever scrubs your numbers. This technique requires many boxes of tiny sticky flags, six colors of highlighter, several big black binders, bad handwriting, and a solid knowledge of the associate mentality. If you drop a truckload of hard-copy backup on their desk with several hundred sticky flags pointing every which way and color-coded handwritten notes that look like they're in Farsi, you really think they're gonna roll up their sleeves and start scrubbing? No. They'll trust you.
How to keep one big dinosaur of a project -- hopefully one requiring very little daily attention -- on your staffing sheet for months at a time so that whenever anyone walks over with a new project to give you, you can point to it and shrug.
And the best one of all: how to bullshit your way into being allowed to take a nap. You can't overuse this one, but it can be a lifesaver if you time it just right. At 3 AM, figure out a critical question that definitely should be answered before you go any further. Email your superior about it in a highly concerned tone. Then head to the lounge and catch a few hours of sleep. And enjoy. You earned it.
computer fun pointers
not mine, but worth postimg. for those who realized that they hated banking from the get-go (this is from a commercial banker, but the tips may earn a few minutes of respite in IB, instead of the hours he gets away with in the slow lane of finance).
- enjoy
originally from http://www.justquitwork.com/index.php?p=34
How To Look Busy (Without Really Trying)
Filed under:
* Corporate Whore
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There are a few things that are necessary when you have to appear to be working:
1. If you’re on a computer, angle your monitor so that nobody but you can really see it.
Duh… I’m sure you know this one already. Most cubicle formations are designed so that a manager or supervisor can snoop on the other employees’ computers from the privacy of their executive cubicle (or office). Turn your shit to a funny angle; if anybody asks, tell them it’s for ergonomic reasons, and that’s the only way that you’ll feel comfortable. They might scratch their heads in confusion, but very few people will openly question you about it. This is especially important when you’re doing your IMing or non-work-related emails. Even if they catch your screen at a slight angle, they don’t get a clear shot.
2. Stack your paper.
I’m a pack rat by nature, and this habit evolved directly from that trait. I keep about 2-3 folders full of unnecessary forms, printouts, and unimportant documents that I employ to maintain the appearance of being busy. I make it a point every morning to take out my stacks and spread as much paper around as I can. I usually like to alternate the folders in case anyone is anal enough to sift through them. I don’t want them to see the same stuff everyday. By doing this, I prevent anyone from dumping extra work on me. I always tell them that I have to “finish up a couple of things†before I can get to anything else. Works like a charm every time…
3. Keep your hands full
You will always see a piece of paper in my left hand when i’m sitting at my desk. I usually don’t even know what’s on the paper. This lets people know that you’re working on something that needs to be completed RIGHT NOW - and they shouldn’t bother you until it’s done.
4. Pick up the phone frequently.
Especially if you’re in danger of being approached by somebody that you don’t wanna fuck with (customer, co-worker, boss). Give the appearance of being on hold. If your phone has the lights that indicate whether or not you’re connected, find a useless 800 number to keep it lit until the coast is clear. My favorite useless 800 number is 713-H-O-U-S-T-O-N. It gives you a bunch of tired information about events here in Houston. I spend the whole time navigating its menus. You might trip, but it works. People will be hesitant to fuck with you if you’re on another line.
5. Look perplexed (my personal favorite).
“Wow. Whatever you’re working on must be serious.â€
“Come holler at me whenever you’re done with that. Looks like you need to knock that little issue out.â€
“Whoa! I won’t disturb you right now!â€
These are all desired responses when you deliver the “perplexed†look. You have to screw your face up and give the appearance of reading something in an alien language. Nobody makes this face unless they’re up against something serious. Nobody will approach you in this situation because they run the risk of being asked for help. Lazy bastards.
Follow these simple steps, and you’re well on your way to looking busy without trying…