Sharted. Protocol Zero.

"My friend" sharted. Going protocol zero. What would you do? Go to the bathroom and pray to the gods for a moment that it will be empty so you can exit the stall and toss your underwear? Again, "asking for a friend."

 

Here is what you do.

Give your "friend" some Alka-seltzer. Have your "friend" chew on a whole bunch of them and then pretend to start seizing on the ground like an autistic money at a daft punk concert. Everyone will assume the pressure of being a banker gave you an epileptic episode and you'll be spirited away from your cubicle for a free four day weekend. On Monday morning either your desk will be cleared out or you will find out if any of the VP's and Associates has a safe contact for "things".

Alternatively you could buy everyone in the office free tacos to mask the smell and then get your "friend" some pants.

 

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