Silly Shit Interns DoIB
This was a originally posted June 2012 but is a great refresher for the incoming intern class this summer
So the interns are out in full force. Hoards of them.
(Before I get into this-- I have no idea why they are called "SA's" these days- they will always be interns to me.)
I digress. I'm going to keep this brief and to the point, hopefully it's helpful to some young monkeys out there. But first, a joke:
What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer?
The sperm has at least a 1/10,000 chance of becoming a human being.
I digress again. Here is the list:
1) Stick out their hand for a shake EVERYWHERE, EVERY TIME they see you. It's getting to be comical, and I'm about to start leaving these f*ckers hanging. Rule of thumb: don't shake hands when you casually bump into colleagues- in the subway, in the elevator, especially in the restroom- thou shalt not shake hands UNLESS i) you are meeting a senior person for the first time OR ii) if a hand is shown, obviously you shake it.
2) seem not to realize that suit vents need to be clipped. I'm talking about those little flaps on your suitjacket that hang around your ass. They come sewn together - but you're supposed to clip that little string.
3) should watch what they say to one another on the subway. We're listening. Even if we have earphones in, we may have the sound on mute to see if you're shitting on your group. We are smarter than you. Never forget that.
4) should not be concerned about the brand that you're wearing. We don't expect you to come in wearing a hickey suit, Ferragamos and a Hermes tie. In fact, if you do dress as well as I do, I'll probably assume you're a spoiled little shit because I know for a FACT that you don't earn enough to drop $3,000 on one day's wardrobe.
5) should not wear watches that are better than your superior's watch. See #4 logic. Some fucking intern was flashing around the cafe in a patek the other day. Seriously? I assumed it was his fathers, I also assumed the kid has a self esteem issue. Why else would an intern be wearing a 30k watch? Is he trying to make a statement? Well the only statement he made was "im a douchewaffle." good intern watch: tissot.
6) should not leave the office before I do. Sit there and surf the internet or something- don't leave before your colleagues.
7) should only talk about their background when asked. I don't care what you did in high school. When you talk about that shit I feel old - you want me to feel good when I talk to you. Not old. (brotip: bankers like to talk about themselves - generally speaking, we are arrogant and love to gloat about the deals we've structured. Ask us about that - oe our families- and we'll talk your ears off)
8) wear big shirts. Maybe this is just me, but all the interns I see seem to swim in their dress shirts. Make sure your shit fits!
9) should be wary of the company they keep- you will be judged by it.
10) should NOT talk about fake IDs. I ask if you're 21- if you're not, say "no". Don't say "no, but I have a fake." This was actually said to me by my "mentee". Do you really think I'm going to hit the bar with you if you're not 21? Not a chance in hell.
Hopefully this means I will see fewer sewn suit vents, because that shit really gets under my skin.