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Mod Note (Andy): Throwback Thursday - This was a originally posted June 2012

So the interns are out in full force. Hoards of them.

(Before I get into this-- I have no idea why they are called "SA's" these days- they will always be interns to me.)

I digress. I'm going to keep this brief and to the point, hopefully it's helpful to some young monkeys out there. But first, a joke:

What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer?
The sperm has at least a 1/10,000 chance of becoming a human being.

I digress again. Here is the list:

Interns:
1) Stick out their hand for a shake EVERYWHERE, EVERY TIME they see you. It's getting to be comical, and I'm about to start leaving these f*ckers hanging. Rule of thumb: don't shake hands when you casually bump into colleagues- in the subway, in the elevator, especially in the restroom- thou shalt not shake hands UNLESS i) you are meeting a senior person for the first time OR ii) if a hand is shown, obviously you shake it.

2) seem not to realize that suit vents need to be clipped. I'm talking about those little flaps on your suitjacket that hang around your ass. They come sewn together - but you're supposed to clip that little string.

3) should watch what they say to one another on the subway. We're listening. Even if we have earphones in, we may have the sound on mute to see if you're shitting on your group. We are smarter than you. Never forget that.

4) should not be concerned about the brand that you're wearing. We don't expect you to come in wearing a hickey suit, Ferragamos and a Hermes tie. In fact, if you do dress as well as I do, I'll probably assume you're a spoiled little shit because I know for a FACT that you don't earn enough to drop $3,000 on one day's wardrobe.

5) should not wear watches that are better than your superior's watch. See #4 logic.  Some fucking intern was flashing around the cafe in a patek the other day. Seriously? I assumed it was his fathers, I also assumed the kid has a self esteem issue. Why else would an intern be wearing a 30k watch? Is he trying to make a statement? Well the only statement he made was "im a douchewaffle." good intern watch: tissot.

6) should not leave the office before I do. Sit there and surf the internet or something- don't leave before your colleagues. 

7) should only talk about their background when asked. I don't care what you did in high school. When you talk about that shit I feel old - you want me to feel good when I talk to you. Not old. (brotip: bankers like to talk about themselves - generally speaking, we are arrogant and love to gloat about the deals we've structured. Ask us about that - oe our families- and we'll talk your ears off)

8)  wear big shirts. Maybe this is just me, but all the interns I see seem to swim in their dress shirts. Make sure your shit fits!

9) should be wary of the company they keep- you will be judged by it. 

10) should NOT talk about fake IDs. I ask if you're 21- if you're not, say "no". Don't say "no, but I have a fake."  This was actually said to me by my "mentee". Do you really think I'm going to hit the bar with you if you're not 21? Not a chance in hell. 

Hopefully this means I will see fewer sewn suit vents, because that shit really gets under my skin.

23 2

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Comments (142)

  • Nabooru's picture

    lol this is absolute gold

    have a silver on me

  • tcufinance0801's picture

    this is money hahah

    "An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."

  • Do what I gotta do's picture

    You seem to always get the dumb hoards .

  • In reply to West Coast Analyst
    bonks's picture

    huethan:
    11) fall asleep in a group meeting

    One intern at the office I worked in last summer literally fell asleep while a consultant was training him. Needless to say, he had a horrible rest of the summer.

    Nothing short of everything will really do.

  • gordo's picture

    Absolutely hilarious. I'll keep this in mind.

  • heebbanker's picture

    12) talk about hitting golf balls at Chelsea Piers when I was working all weekend.

  • streetwannabe's picture

    13) Send out emails without the attachments! (I am an intern and do this all the time, just to keep people on their toes of course)

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • blastoise's picture

    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

  • In reply to blastoise
    streetwannabe's picture

    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to blastoise
    streetwannabe's picture

    blastoise:
    im in at 7 am out around 3 pm

    7.30-5.30/6

    My bank is very weird though. Small debt cap markets shop that is primarily S&T. I think they only do best efforts

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to streetwannabe
    jjcannon's picture

    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    You have a 5 hour commute and don't get reimbursed in any way? That's fucked.

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  • marketbeater's picture

    6) is hard
    My colleagues usually work til at least ten
    and they even asked me to leave right after 6.
    I was like "what should i do?" LOL

  • In reply to marketbeater
    streetwannabe's picture

    marketbeater:
    6) is hard
    My colleagues usually work til at least ten
    and they even asked me to leave right after 6.
    I was like "what should i do?" LOL

    I work 10hr days for nothing. I have no qualms about leaving whenever the office starts to empty out

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to jjcannon
    streetwannabe's picture

    jjcannon:
    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    You have a 5 hour commute and don't get reimbursed in any way? That's fucked.

    I do get reimbursed, fortunately. One of the reasons I actually chose this place. However, I'm essentially getting "paid" nothing. They give me stipend each week. Turns out to be an awesome place to work so far, so I'm happy with it though. Wasn't trying to sound like a whiny bitch.

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • Nouveau Richie's picture

    Good stuff. Those silly interns!

    Also, this could be a humor blog a la Stuff White People Like if you wanted it to be. I'm sure you could grow the list pretty steadily if you wanted to and you could pick hits up pretty quickly for a site called Silly Wall Street Interns or Silly New York Interns (if you wanted to be more general to include Law and other professions).

    Just saying, there could be potential here.

  • In reply to jjcannon
    BTbanker's picture

    jjcannon:
    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    You have a 5 hour commute and don't get reimbursed in any way? That's fucked.

    His parents probably reimburse the shit out of him.

  • In reply to BTbanker
    streetwannabe's picture

    Connor:
    jjcannon:
    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    You have a 5 hour commute and don't get reimbursed in any way? That's fucked.

    His parents probably reimburse the shit out of him.

    Haha, yes with encouragement. Fuck off Connor, we're poor.

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • Falcon's picture

    I'm usually in at 8 and out by 6/630. My manager is usually there an hr earlier, at 7 and leave at around the same time.

  • In reply to streetwannabe
    blastoise's picture

    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    my group dosen't have a manager he got fired a while back and so did a large amount of the group every one reports to director and knows what to do and who does what and we even get a group to watch what we do lol

  • In reply to blastoise
    streetwannabe's picture

    blastoise:
    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    my group dosen't have a manager he got fired a while back every one reports to director and knows what to do and who does what lol

    Fortunately most of the people in my office don't give too much of a shit about face time. Small shop and they make their own money. It's a very niche shop as well, so as long as you try, they're happy.

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to bonks
    FlakieBear's picture

    bonks:
    huethan:
    11) fall asleep in a group meeting

    One intern at the office I worked in last summer literally fell asleep while a consultant was training him. Needless to say, he had a horrible rest of the summer.

    Good thing he rested while the consultant was training him. Otherwise, he wouldn't survive the rest of the summer.

    Power and Money do not change men; they only unmask them

  • blastoise's picture

    i added more to my post above u

  • JohnAnthony7's picture

    what's the rule for having a few beers at a company happy hour or team-building event when everyone is drinking and they assume you're 21 but not?

  • blindthoht's picture

    gotta print this for the next intern

    couldn't let go of my pair of aces...

  • In reply to JohnAnthony7
    BTbanker's picture

    JohnAnthony7:
    what's the rule for having a few beers at a company happy hour or team-building event when everyone is drinking and they assume you're 21 but not?

    Show up to the event about 15 minutes early, and empty out some beer bottles and fill them with water. This way your sobriety, intelligence, and social skills will remain intact.

  • In reply to JohnAnthony7
    Falcon's picture

    JohnAnthony7:
    what's the rule for having a few beers at a company happy hour or team-building event when everyone is drinking and they assume you're 21 but not?

    I was tempted to do this the other night at one of my firms events lol, the only person that knows i'm underage is my manager.

  • streetwannabe's picture

    I get to go on a booze cruise later this month. Company sponsored. Even though my internship is unpaid, this makes it worth it. I'm getting annihilated.

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to Falcon
    JohnAnthony7's picture

    Lotin:
    JohnAnthony7:
    what's the rule for having a few beers at a company happy hour or team-building event when everyone is drinking and they assume you're 21 but not?

    I was tempted to do this the other night at one of my firms events lol, the only person that knows i'm underage is my manager.

    Already did it and it was fine because no one knew my age. But not sure if I should be more cautious in the future.

  • RE Capital Markets's picture

    Oh please. OP, here's a list for you:

    Silly shit assistant vice presidents do:

    1) go on wall street oasis and write posts complaining about the silly shit their interns do.

    The end.

    There was a day when you were an annoying little intern shithead, too. So was I. Do the right thing - mentor them, help them instead of making fun of them.

    Not trying to be Debby Downer, but posts like this irk me.

    Man made money, money never made the man

  • In reply to JohnAnthony7
    streetwannabe's picture

    JohnAnthony7:
    Lotin:
    JohnAnthony7:
    what's the rule for having a few beers at a company happy hour or team-building event when everyone is drinking and they assume you're 21 but not?

    I was tempted to do this the other night at one of my firms events lol, the only person that knows i'm underage is my manager.

    Already did it and it was fine because no one knew my age. But not sure if I should be more cautious in the future.

    To refute what the OP said, why should anyone care? You're not at work. I won't get kicked out bc you're dumb ass isn't 21. If you can get in, kudos. If not, too bad. It's really not an issue to me, unless some tight ass higher up directly prohibits such actions.

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • mokey1234's picture

    ...I feel like this is mostly directed towards male interns only. Like really, those only douchey enough to shake someone's hand every time you see them. I mean who does that. It's obviously awkward. There was a good intern tip post earlier but only had like three tips. Don't make mistakes, ask good questions, read the news...Where are the little tips that we tend to overlook as a whole intern populace?

  • streetwannabe's picture

    This is the fucking weirdest thing I've *Like ever read.

    Despite your inability to translate your dialect into comprehensive internet English, I agree with you.

    As a human-being, one should be able to read social circumstances enough to realize what is appropriate, and what is not.4

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • WreckEmFinance's picture

    yep, that's positive encouraging stuff right there. i definitely want to work for that guy one day. since he's so encouraging and all. being an intern for that guy might just be the best internship in the history of mankind.

    "Everything comes to those who hustle while they wait."
    -Thomas Edison

  • In reply to WreckEmFinance
    streetwannabe's picture

    WreckEmFinance:
    yep, that's positive encouraging stuff right there. i definitely want to work for that guy one day. since he's so encouraging and all. being an intern for that guy might just be the best internship in the history of mankind.

    Who are you talking to? You're so mysterious...

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • SlikRick's picture

    When I interned at a Boutique IB, we were given a $25 allowance for dinner. The internship was unpaid, but the dinner stipend and the free downtown parking pass was nice. That being said, one of my fellow interns made it his mission to get as close to the $25 limit as possible. Even when we had dinner at Chipotle, he ordered 3 burritos (2 for later) and the bill came out to $24.75. Needless the say, our MD got pissed and the dinner stipend rules were changed considerably afterwards.

  • In reply to RE Capital Markets
    FlakieBear's picture

    RE Capital Markets:
    Oh please. OP, here's a list for you:

    Silly shit assistant vice presidents do:

    1) go on wall street oasis and write posts complaining about the silly shit their interns do.

    The end.

    There was a day when you were an annoying little intern shithead, too. So was I. Do the right thing - mentor them, help them instead of making fun of them.

    Not trying to be Debby Downer, but posts like this irk me.

    Waw! Someone with common sense, who does not forget where he came from.

    Silver banana for you!

    @ lol Assistant VP LOL

    Power and Money do not change men; they only unmask them

  • In reply to FlakieBear
    streetwannabe's picture

    FlakieBear:
    RE Capital Markets:
    Oh please. OP, here's a list for you:

    Silly shit assistant vice presidents do:

    1) go on wall street oasis and write posts complaining about the silly shit their interns do.

    The end.

    There was a day when you were an annoying little intern shithead, too. So was I. Do the right thing - mentor them, help them instead of making fun of them.

    Not trying to be Debby Downer, but posts like this irk me.

    Waw! Someone with common sense, who does not forget where he came from.

    Silver banana for you!

    @ lol Assistant VP LOL

    Haha, missed this post. LOL very funny. Regardless of if the OP is actually that position or not.

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to SlikRick
    kidflash's picture

    SlikRick:
    When I interned at a Boutique IB, we were given a $25 allowance for dinner. The internship was unpaid, but the dinner stipend and the free downtown parking pass was nice. That being said, one of my fellow interns made it his mission to get as close to the $25 limit as possible. Even when we had dinner at Chipotle, he ordered 3 burritos (2 for later) and the bill came out to $24.75. Needless the say, our MD got pissed and the dinner stipend rules were changed considerably afterwards.

    Don't see why you would get pissed. You're getting slave labor for 25 a day.

  • In reply to kidflash
    streetwannabe's picture

    kidflash:
    SlikRick:
    When I interned at a Boutique IB, we were given a $25 allowance for dinner. The internship was unpaid, but the dinner stipend and the free downtown parking pass was nice. That being said, one of my fellow interns made it his mission to get as close to the $25 limit as possible. Even when we had dinner at Chipotle, he ordered 3 burritos (2 for later) and the bill came out to $24.75. Needless the say, our MD got pissed and the dinner stipend rules were changed considerably afterwards.

    Don't see why you would get pissed. You're getting slave labor for 25 a day.

    Haha, good lord I imagine that guy got shit from the others.

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to streetwannabe
    bfin's picture

    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    You go to UConn?

    The answer to your question is 1) network 2) get involved 3) beef up your resume 4) repeat -happypantsmcgee

    WSO is not your personal search function.

  • In reply to bfin
    streetwannabe's picture

    bfin:
    streetwannabe:
    blastoise:
    why do we have to leave after you?

    Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

    Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

    [Reply] "Nothing"

    "....Oh... really?"

    But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

    You go to UConn?

    No, does everyone from UConn live in Hartford?

    "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

  • In reply to streetwannabe
    WreckEmFinance's picture

    streetwannabe:
    WreckEmFinance:
    yep, that's positive encouraging stuff right there. i definitely want to work for that guy one day. since he's so encouraging and all. being an intern for that guy might just be the best internship in the history of mankind.

    Who are you talking to? You're so mysterious...


    indeed sir. indeed. but just in case, i was talking to silly AVP (read: middle management) who thinks he's too good to offer an encouraging word here and there about things he learned along the way, rather than pooing his pants and thinking it smells like aqua velva. i dunno, it might help the spoiled rich boy to realize sooner rather than later that he's not that special and the only real way to impress is to bust your butt and work hard rather than keep on sucking that parental teet with stuff they obviously didn't buy with money they earned themselves.

    i am on the bottom rung. i haven't even graduated undergrad yet. but i guarantee you i will strive to be the complete opposite of that kind of attitude when i am middle management someday. in fact, i am pretty sure it will give me a better chance of working my way to top management if i work hard enough and am gracious enough to encourage people who have the same dreams i had when i was young and naive; as of course i still am...

    "Everything comes to those who hustle while they wait."
    -Thomas Edison

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