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So no one is returning your sad, sappy, suck up emails? People think you are cold calling for girl scout cookies? Well man the f*ck up and lets trick someone into reading your resume. Don't bother with this unless your resume is stellar, not because it wont work, but because you probably aren't smart enough to get the job anyway. I had a BB MD tell me this while I was doing informational interviews 2 years ago...

1. Print your resume on paper that would give Patrick Bateman a hard on

2. Go to the Fed-Ex store and secure the most bad-ass looking padded over-sized Priority Overnight envelope you can get your hands on. Insert your resume like, a metaphor for penis entering into a vagina.

3. Figure out an address to send this thing to so it will be slammed down on said MD's desk like it was (and probably is) the most important thing he will ever read. If you don't have one, fucking find it: here are some tips. Address in his email signature, call and ask a secretary where to send a very important priority document if you need it to get to said-MD. Send it to the group - attn: MD name, analyst will not think twice about throwing it on his desk. Google..etc.

4. Send it on a Friday. He will see it on his desk Monday morning and think "Oh shit a client sent docs over the weekend. This must be do or die. Who would spend money on priority overnight (or paper) unless it was important - I better look at this now."

5. He slides open the envelope to see a resume and EXTRAORDINARY cover letter. At first he is mad because you took him to school - and then laughs because your balls are so huge. Now he remembers you sent him an email a week ago, AND THIS MORNING reminding him that you are interested in talking to him about his super successful career.

6. Secure interview, and get ready for a shitty job.

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Comments (39)

  • bankerella's picture

    Actually not a bad idea, if you've exhausted other options. I would probably be pissed for roughly 2.5 seconds but would then be impressed by the cojones. If the resume were good enough, I'd call the person and say, "Okay, you got me. Take five minutes and tell me why."

    N.B. If you follow this strategy, be ready to pick up your phone on Monday morning and dive right into your five-minute spiel. A lot of people (self included) don't leave or return voicemail.

  • WSOusername's picture

    I don't know why this thread made me think of this, but what about paying a singing telegram service to hand deliver your resume door to door throughout the city? Idk about you guys, but if someone delivered their resume to me via a mariachi band or some ass hat dressed up as the California raisin they would certainly have my attention.

    GBS

  • kyleyboy's picture

    That shits awesome. +1

  • In reply to WSOusername
    Billy Ray Valentine's picture

    GoldmanBallSachs:
    I don't know why this thread made me think of this, but what about paying a singing telegram service to hand deliver your resume door to door throughout the city? Idk about you guys, but if someone delivered their resume to me via a mariachi band or some ass hat dressed up as the California raisin they would certainly have my attention.

    The OP's idea is great. I would find it hilarious and prob give the person a shot.

    The quoted post... Wayyyyyy too much. I'd be aggravated

  • In reply to WSOusername
    ChickMakingDeals's picture

    GoldmanBallSachs:
    I don't know why this thread made me think of this, but what about paying a singing telegram service to hand deliver your resume door to door throughout the city? Idk about you guys, but if someone delivered their resume to me via a mariachi band or some ass hat dressed up as the California raisin they would certainly have my attention.

    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA California Raisin!!! Classic.

  • jpmoranmonkeysachs's picture

    Sounds like a legit plan. Is there actual evidence of this working?

  • Onetwobit's picture

    wow you really tried hard to insert humor into your post.

  • WSOusername's picture

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    This service is for real, and this is their California raisin. Not gonna lie, I'm slightly underwhelmed

    GBS

  • huanleshalemei's picture

    Good strategy, better than kidnapping

    The Auto Show

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  • KKS's picture

    What if the MD turns around and scans and e-mails your resume to his buddies at other banks, telling them to auto-ding you? Could be Jeffrey Chiang all over again.

  • esbanker's picture

    i think this is a pretty interesting idea with great potential upside and minimal downside. unless the resume is utterly ridiculous, you don't run the risk of becoming the next jeffrey chiang - simply not worth his time to go after you that way.

    whoever decides to try this, let me know how it goes - curious to know whether it's really effective.

    Capitalist

  • av8ter's picture

    So, I have done this before. My strategy was a little different. I didn't use Fed Ex because it's stupid expensive. I just bought white folder envelopes and stuck my resume/cover letter in and mailed it for 2$. But not to an MD, to HR. Why HR? Because they keep the resumes on file. I followed up my mailing with some calls. Not returned...no matter. Got a call back 6 weeks later.

  • In reply to av8ter
    Senvik's picture

    av8ter:
    So, I have done this before. My strategy was a little different. I didn't use Fed Ex because it's stupid expensive. I just bought white folder envelopes and stuck my resume/cover letter in and mailed it for 2$. But not to an MD, to HR. Why HR? Because they keep the resumes on file. I followed up my mailing with some calls. Not returned...no matter. Got a call back 6 weeks later.

    Did you get the job tho?

    "You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." - IlliniProgrammer

  • Relinquis's picture

    I've done this and have had phone calls through this. The least you'll get is a nice letter, email or message from his/her assistant.

    Only do this if you have a strong case to put forward. I had a few years experience at the time I did this.

  • Funderbold's picture

    Great advice! I actually did something similar:

    I (i) printed my cover letter (signed it with my chewed BIC pen I found on the living room floor) and resume, (ii) sealed them into an envelop and (iii) personally delivered it to the firm i was applying to.

    Upon my arrival at the firm, I (i) dropped off the letter to the secretary, (ii) smiled, said my 'This is for X, thank you,' and (iii) disappeared into the elevator before the secretary got to ask me any questions. This way, the secretary has no choice but to pass the letter onto the MD since the secretary usually do not take the risk of trashing an MD's document.

    When the MD receives my delivered letter, the MD should find it awkward how there are no stamps on the envelope but opens it anyway (same reason as why the secretary would pass on the letter to the MD). In addition to reading my cover letter and resume, the MD should be able to figure out that I took the time to deliver the letter to him/her in person.

    Result - with 3 years retail banking experience, I was hired as a first year Analyst at a Boutique with no previous IB experience.

  • pktkid10's picture

    I've done this before. It'll get you in the door, whether you ish the bed from there is up to you.

    I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it

  • fermion's picture

    this idea could backfire in the worst way. we're talking about a bomb with a 10 megavayner yield that will wipe out all career prospects within a 1000 mile radius.

  • In reply to fermion
    andyinsandiego's picture

    fermion:
    this idea could backfire in the worst way. we're talking about a bomb with a 10 megavayner yield that will wipe out all career prospects within a 1000 mile radius.

    Mailing someone a printed copy of your resume could backfire on you in the worst way?

    Calm down.

  • In reply to andyinsandiego
    fermion's picture

    andyinsandiego:
    fermion:
    this idea could backfire in the worst way. we're talking about a bomb with a 10 megavayner yield that will wipe out all career prospects within a 1000 mile radius.

    Mailing someone a printed copy of your resume could backfire on you in the worst way?

    Calm down.

    i was referring to the mariachi band and california raisins. calming down is a good idea, andy.

  • linoxgill's picture

    I think it's a good idea. 'Older' people like things printed out (analog solutions). You're just doing them the favor to print upfront.

    finance is the science of goal architecture.

  • wolverine19x89's picture

    lol. I'm gonna do this. This technique seems to have a pretty good reaction from most people here, so fugg it. I don't think I'd mind getting something like this... worst case scenario is I would throw it away. BUT lets say some d-bag wants to send an email to all his buddies to blacklist you... would anybody really even take that seriously? Does that level of d-baggery even EXIST!?

    If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.

    "There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.

  • wikileaks's picture

    The risks outweigh the returns, why not just shoot an email to meet up an MD for coffee who is part of your alumnus. This is more common, and will likely yield you the same return with 0 downside.

  • In reply to fermion
    andyinsandiego's picture

    fermion:
    andyinsandiego:
    fermion:
    this idea could backfire in the worst way. we're talking about a bomb with a 10 megavayner yield that will wipe out all career prospects within a 1000 mile radius.

    Mailing someone a printed copy of your resume could backfire on you in the worst way?

    Calm down.

    i was referring to the mariachi band and california raisins. calming down is a good idea, andy.

    For sure my bad.

  • wsrookie's picture

    hmmm, sounds interesting. Might have to try this (or some version of it) in a year when I'm a junior.

  • In reply to Relinquis
    Aimez's picture

    Relinquis:
    I've done this and have had phone calls through this. The least you'll get is a nice letter, email or message from his/her assistant.

    Only do this if you have a strong case to put forward. I had a few years experience at the time I did this.


    +1
  • In reply to Senvik
    av8ter's picture

    So this was fairly recently, and I haven't heard back regarding the position...made it to final round and am waiting on a decision. Full disclosure would also be fair in that I had done an informational meeting at the firm and a phone call with another employee before sending the letter - which i referenced. I think the letter put me over the top though and separated my resume from just the rest of the people who did just a meeting.

  • In The Flesh's picture

    *clap clap clap clap clap clap clap*

    Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

  • In reply to In The Flesh
    Ron Paul's picture

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