What your liquor of choice says about you

In a rare moment, I've found myself at a local, wooden, quiet neighborhood bar sitting alone drinking my 3rd Budweiser with a closed out tab. I thought it a pleasant way to break up my week though I hope not to make a habit of it. With not much else to do, and tired of looking at screens all day (until i felt compelled to write this), I decided to look across the bar at a row of bottles and imagine a meaning each one holds for those who call them their favorite.

To my right is a regular hitting on a foreigner, he's doing alright. To my left is a couple on vacation that just called for the check after a long kiss. She's stirring her glass in excitement. Beyond them is another person drinking alone and on his phone. There's some light music, mostly classic rock and 80's hits, and the door is open allowing a cool breeze that welcomely intrudes in irregular intervals.

Woodford Reserve - you spent more money than you should have on alcohol in college and your tastes have not graduated since you have.

Captain Morgan - you've cheated on a partner, even if you don't remember it.

Bud Light - statistically, you're more likely than anyone around you to commit a crime.

Maker's Mark - you're ok, but you've definitely settled down and are probably in a long term relationship, but you're genuinely happy.

Jameson - you are trying to be classy but have no idea what classy is or you know what classy is and want to get fucked up.

Stolichnaya - you're Russian or in the closet, but not both.

Jack Daniels - you're white (there are more implications but this is the most prominent).

Crown Royal - you're black.

Don Julio - you're lying.... Nobody likes Don Julio. Or you're drinking 1942, congrats on your affluence.

Chopin - you like hosting dinner parties.

Jim Beam - you like country music, but none of that mainstream shit. you chew tobacco.

Patron - you love to peer pressure your friends.

Bacardi - you drink to escape.

Seagrams 7 - you'd rather drink in the parking lot.

Grey Goose - you're a yuppie. You may have gotten bottle service this month. You may be getting bottle service now.

Stella - you don't know much about beer but you don't have the stomach for liquor. You don't drink often, you might boring.

Ketel One - you're a yuppie.

Casamigos - you're a yuppie.

Malibu - you're probably going to throw up or cry at the end of the night. You're underage.

Skyy - you're vacationing or have spent a significant portion of your life in a second-tier beach destination.

Absolut - you're doing the best you can, and we're proud of you.

Macallan - you probably have a lot to say but nobody is really interested. You might be overeducated.

Fireball - you're disliked.

Jaegermeister - bitter, young, and white.

Coors Light - you're just here for a good time, and people probably enjoy you.

Effen - you're a yuppie.

IPA - you'd rather be listening to the playlist you just made with your 2 best friends and smoking a cigarette.

I'd love to keep going but my tab is paid, my beer is empty, a cab is outside, and this bar is out of bottles I'm interested in analyzing. Just so you know, the regular hitting on the foreigner is still doing ok, really not bad... The couple left to go make some vacation lovin' and the guy at the bar on his phone is still at the bar on his phone. A large birthday group recently arrived and overran the bar and is now playing Never Have I Ever which is providing an entertainment value that offsets the annoyance of not being able to hear the music.

Troll, critique, add your own, or agree.... Have some fun guys.

Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #32 for the past year

 
N0DuckingWay:

Fireball - You were once in a fraternity.

More like "you were active in a fraternity in the last 5 years." That shit didn't exist when I was in school and it wasn't all that long ago.

Commercial Real Estate Developer
 

haha I'll always take shots of fireball over Jameson

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 
Captain Morgan - you've cheated on a partner, even if you don't remember it.

Bacardi - you drink to escape.

wow.. are you a psychic OP? cause this is me.

+1 this list is great lol.

"It is better to have a friendship based on business, than a business based on friendship." - Rockefeller. "Live fast, die hard. Leave a good looking body." - Navy SEAL
 

Well, Seeing as the Costco/Kirkland 24 Year scotch is just a repackaged 24 Year old Scotch, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Not snobby or cheap. And nice touch with the Peychaud and Angostura in your Rye.

If you can find it, or if you make it back east to Boston, pick up a bottle of Mad River Rye. You'd like it.

 

At the bar: budweisers, jack/makers/bulleit (rye) At home: bulleit rye, scotch (recently in on auchentoshen three wood -- a bit too fruity, but love macallan, talisker)

Bartended for 3 years in college:

Mixed drinks - you're young Fruity drinks - you're annoying Shots - you're dumb Beers - you're awesome

EDIT: fruity beers - get the f*ck out.

 

Beer - you like to have a good time

Scotch - you are classy or like to think you are.

Vodka - You are an alcoholic

Tequila w/training wheels - You are a girl

Tequila - You like to party but are watching your figure

Bourbon neat- You want to impress everyone

Bourbon shot - You like to have fun

Gin - You are British

Beer domestic - You are laid back

Beer IPA - You have a beard and your head up your own ass

 

Wild Turkey - old, rich, white guy from Dallas looking to get sneaky black-out drunk with his best friend Chet

Ace all your PE interview questions with the WSO Private Equity Prep Pack: http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/guide/private-equity-interview-prep-questions
 

PBR Tallboy in NYC: you grew up poor in a shit hole town, had a shitty day and tomorrow is going to be even shittier

PBR Tallboy outside NYC: you grew up poor in a shithole town, had a shitty day and tomorrow you wake up in the same shit hole town to an even shittier day.

 

PBR's stepped it up a bit recently, but when your baseline is the taste of stale hangover piss that's not saying much

Ace all your PE interview questions with the WSO Private Equity Prep Pack: http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/guide/private-equity-interview-prep-questions
 

if you can't laugh at yourself...(most have all been me at one time or another)

tequila suicide - you do excessively stupid shit for snapchat/instagram attention, and you're miserable to be around

gorilla fart - you need new friends, why are you drinking this

four horsemen gone hunting - you have a shitty friend who wants you to die

liquid cocaine - you like to party but are a huge softie

vodka soda - you're hammered, want to keep drinking, but want to minimize chances of throwing up. or you're extremely narcissistic and worried about your figure. either way, man up.

bud heavy - seriously?

mich ultra - just drink water you pussy

RBV - do adderall or a bump like a man. either that, or your friends saw you yawn. wake the fuck up

corona - if you're not outside at a beach bar, there's no excuse, this beer tastes like shit

 

Absinthe - you actually wanted to get high but are a pussy and don't want to break the rules and get weed. Raki - when you want to forget the last 24 hours but don't have access to a neuralyzer (you also like Hennessy but are not Arabic) Pink panty pulldown - sorority girl telling everyone that she will do anything sexual you ask of her (ANYTHING...) Mixed drinks (general) - you have $17 in bank account or don't like drinking but are getting blackout drunk anyway due to peer pressure (hope you enjoy that fucking hangover)

"I'm talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough not to waste time. Fifty, a hundred million dollars, buddy. A player. Or nothing. " -GG
 
the_gekko:

Absinthe - you actually wanted to get high but are a pussy and don't want to break the rules and get weed.
Raki - when you want to forget the last 24 hours but don't have access to a neuralyzer (you also like Hennessy but are not Arabic)
Pink panty pulldown - sorority girl telling everyone that she will do anything sexual you ask of her (ANYTHING...)
Mixed drinks (general) - you have $17 in bank account or don't like drinking but are getting blackout drunk anyway due to peer pressure (hope you enjoy that fucking hangover)

PPP--Have not heard that in ages, but definitely implies fraternity party involved...

 

Not sure how mixed drinks mean $17 in bank account. They usually cost me like $200 dollars.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

One time I drank so much in Spain in Valencia that I woke up in a corn field in a city far away called El Puig. Had no idea how I got there - was at the club before in Valencia. I had to take a bus back to the city. I still had my wallet and my phone. Whaaaatttt happpened... lol

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

and two zig zags - baby that's all I need

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

I was having vodka earlier but ran out of mixers; however, I have lots of Gatorade so mixed with Glacier Freeze and its pretty good. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

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"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

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"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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