In a rare moment, I've found myself at a local, wooden, quiet neighborhood bar sitting alone drinking my 3rd Budweiser with a closed out tab. I thought it a pleasant way to break up my week though I hope not to make a habit of it. With not much else to do, and tired of looking at screens all day (until i felt compelled to write this), I decided to look across the bar at a row of bottles and imagine a meaning each one holds for those who call them their favorite.
To my right is a regular hitting on a foreigner, he's doing alright. To my left is a couple on vacation that just called for the check after a long kiss. She's stirring her glass in excitement. Beyond them is another person drinking alone and on his phone. There's some light music, mostly classic rock and 80's hits, and the door is open allowing a cool breeze that welcomely intrudes in irregular intervals.
Woodford Reserve - you spent more money than you should have on alcohol in college and your tastes have not graduated since you have.
Captain Morgan - you've cheated on a partner, even if you don't remember it.
Bud Light - statistically, you're more likely than anyone around you to commit a crime.
Maker's Mark - you're ok, but you've definitely settled down and are probably in a long term relationship, but you're genuinely happy.
Jameson - you are trying to be classy but have no idea what classy is or you know what classy is and want to get fucked up.
Stolichnaya - you're Russian or in the closet, but not both.
Jack Daniels - you're white (there are more implications but this is the most prominent).
Crown Royal - you're black.
Don Julio - you're lying.... Nobody likes Don Julio. Or you're drinking 1942, congrats on your affluence.
Chopin - you like hosting dinner parties.
Jim Beam - you like country music, but none of that mainstream shit. you chew tobacco.
Patron - you love to peer pressure your friends.
Bacardi - you drink to escape.
Seagrams 7 - you'd rather drink in the parking lot.
Grey Goose - you're a yuppie. You may have gotten bottle service this month. You may be getting bottle service now.
Stella - you don't know much about beer but you don't have the stomach for liquor. You don't drink often, you might boring.
Ketel One - you're a yuppie.
Casamigos - you're a yuppie.
Malibu - you're probably going to throw up or cry at the end of the night. You're underage.
Skyy - you're vacationing or have spent a significant portion of your life in a second-tier beach destination.
Absolut - you're doing the best you can, and we're proud of you.
Macallan - you probably have a lot to say but nobody is really interested. You might be overeducated.
Fireball - you're disliked.
Jaegermeister - bitter, young, and white.
Coors Light - you're just here for a good time, and people probably enjoy you.
Effen - you're a yuppie.
IPA - you'd rather be listening to the playlist you just made with your 2 best friends and smoking a cigarette.
I'd love to keep going but my tab is paid, my beer is empty, a cab is outside, and this bar is out of bottles I'm interested in analyzing. Just so you know, the regular hitting on the foreigner is still doing ok, really not bad... The couple left to go make some vacation lovin' and the guy at the bar on his phone is still at the bar on his phone. A large birthday group recently arrived and overran the bar and is now playing Never Have I Ever which is providing an entertainment value that offsets the annoyance of not being able to hear the music.
Troll, critique, add your own, or agree.... Have some fun guys.
Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #32 for the past year
I used to work in a bar, this brings me back, +1
Fireball - You were once in a fraternity.
More like "you were active in a fraternity in the last 5 years." That shit didn't exist when I was in school and it wasn't all that long ago.
Good point.
fireball - you're "that guy"
haha I'll always take shots of fireball over Jameson
Touche
Surprised you didn't mention skinnygirl. I feel like there's so much that can be said about skinnygirl...
wow.. are you a psychic OP? cause this is me.
+1 this list is great lol.
Please give an assortment of bourbon so I can learn about myself.
Sapphire - you're Dick Fuld
Nice read. Thanks for this.
Four Loko - You're a hoarder.
/you're a white wannabe DJ.
Old English- you're a homeless alcoholic
dos Equis - ur easily influenced
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer dog piss"
I'm drinking Potter's whiskey with coke, does that mean I'm poor?
Costco/Kirkland 24yr scotch...or Bulleit rye with some angostura & peychaud bitters. Does that make me cheap, snobby or both?
Well, Seeing as the Costco/Kirkland 24 Year scotch is just a repackaged 24 Year old Scotch, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Not snobby or cheap. And nice touch with the Peychaud and Angostura in your Rye.
If you can find it, or if you make it back east to Boston, pick up a bottle of Mad River Rye. You'd like it.
I've got a lot of nice bottles in my bar, but there's definitely Kirkland in the cabinets.
yeah, the 16 and 24yr kirkland are pretty damn good (especially the 24), but I think the 12yr tastes like dogshit...
for my daily scotch, i turn to Macallan 12yr...which according to this post means "I probably have a lot to say but nobody is really interested..." which I think is pretty accurate.
SB for Bulleit rye
Sadly don't see any of my go to drinks:
-Ron Diaz -Takka -Karkov -Black Velvet
Fortunately for me, the bar I was at didn't have any plastic bottles.
If you ever see plastic bottles at the bar, run.
Alternative to Crown Royal is you are Canadian
Keystone/Natty Ice/Light - you're a hardo who frequents turtle bay, particularly on dollar beer wednesdays
Truth.
Jack and Coke: You miss Lemmy.
Rum and Coke: You miss the Caribbean.
Heineken: You are watching a sporting event outside North America.
What does a moonshine & Tab cola say about you?
Straight out of Appalachia
No mention of Gins? What about the Bombay, Hendricks, Beefeater, and Tanqueray crowd?
What about Black Label Whiskey?
Leopold Gourmel for me, eh?
At the bar: budweisers, jack/makers/bulleit (rye) At home: bulleit rye, scotch (recently in on auchentoshen three wood -- a bit too fruity, but love macallan, talisker)
Bartended for 3 years in college:
Mixed drinks - you're young Fruity drinks - you're annoying Shots - you're dumb Beers - you're awesome
EDIT: fruity beers - get the f*ck out.
Can confirm a fruity drink chick has annoyed me
Tito's?
you're a stand up guy
Crown Russe - you're going to prison
Jim Beam Black - you are a vomit janitor with zero recollection.
Corona - You are desperately trying to get to a happy place and have actually repeated "Find your beach" out loud many times.
Tecate - You are at your happy place.
Heineken - you're from the caribbean 151 - can't find an orgy and want to start one old fashioned - can't relate to the chicks you want to hit on at the bar
haha the old fashioned line was a good one.
What bars in NYC serve 151? I want to order rounds of that and tell people it's Fireball.
Beer - you like to have a good time
Scotch - you are classy or like to think you are.
Vodka - You are an alcoholic
Tequila w/training wheels - You are a girl
Tequila - You like to party but are watching your figure
Bourbon neat- You want to impress everyone
Bourbon shot - You like to have fun
Gin - You are British
Beer domestic - You are laid back
Beer IPA - You have a beard and your head up your own ass
I guess threads like this are what happens when the country you live in has 21 as the legal age.
Busch (Light) - you're from Boston.
Amaretto Sour?
Guinness with a jaeger bomb or Lagavulin neat depending on the social setting. Done.
Iron City or Steel Reserve.. the mullet of Beer
You still drink Natty but this is a special occassion.. it's the first day of deer season
I remember my first time worrying about what other people like to drink too
you haven't been here long enough, they'll show up
Wild Turkey - old, rich, white guy from Dallas looking to get sneaky black-out drunk with his best friend Chet
goldschlager - you lost your virginity to a guy named Sven
Bombay Sapphire - you are @dick fuld
PBR Tallboy in NYC: you grew up poor in a shit hole town, had a shitty day and tomorrow is going to be even shittier
PBR Tallboy outside NYC: you grew up poor in a shithole town, had a shitty day and tomorrow you wake up in the same shit hole town to an even shittier day.
PBR Tallboy in Atlanta: Bars hand them shits out for $3 or 2 for $4 so keep 'em coming.
Love me some PBR... also Popov + Surge
What is the over/under on the percentage of ppl who drink Red Bull with their liquor that are straight?
PBR's stepped it up a bit recently, but when your baseline is the taste of stale hangover piss that's not saying much
,
Burnetts - You hate yourself and everyone around you
Lol I love crown. Ordered it at the bar.
Burnett's - you're a sorority girl with a drinking problem
if you can't laugh at yourself...(most have all been me at one time or another)
tequila suicide - you do excessively stupid shit for snapchat/instagram attention, and you're miserable to be around
gorilla fart - you need new friends, why are you drinking this
four horsemen gone hunting - you have a shitty friend who wants you to die
liquid cocaine - you like to party but are a huge softie
vodka soda - you're hammered, want to keep drinking, but want to minimize chances of throwing up. or you're extremely narcissistic and worried about your figure. either way, man up.
bud heavy - seriously?
mich ultra - just drink water you pussy
RBV - do adderall or a bump like a man. either that, or your friends saw you yawn. wake the fuck up
corona - if you're not outside at a beach bar, there's no excuse, this beer tastes like shit
Where's the wine?
Ace of Spades or Cristal - Man, I wish I was born a black rapper.
Absinthe - you actually wanted to get high but are a pussy and don't want to break the rules and get weed. Raki - when you want to forget the last 24 hours but don't have access to a neuralyzer (you also like Hennessy but are not Arabic) Pink panty pulldown - sorority girl telling everyone that she will do anything sexual you ask of her (ANYTHING...) Mixed drinks (general) - you have $17 in bank account or don't like drinking but are getting blackout drunk anyway due to peer pressure (hope you enjoy that fucking hangover)
PPP--Have not heard that in ages, but definitely implies fraternity party involved...
Not sure how mixed drinks mean $17 in bank account. They usually cost me like $200 dollars.
Evan Williams - you will wake up in a ditch later. It won't be your first time waking up in a ditch.
One time I drank so much in Spain in Valencia that I woke up in a corn field in a city far away called El Puig. Had no idea how I got there - was at the club before in Valencia. I had to take a bus back to the city. I still had my wallet and my phone. Whaaaatttt happpened... lol
lol Woodford.. says I'm not reading anymore of your posts until you are a certified monkey because I'm calling bullshit
London is all about gin (and some great scotch)
I drink Colt .45
and two zig zags - baby that's all I need
Plz sort alphabetically and submit again - Thx
I was having vodka earlier but ran out of mixers; however, I have lots of Gatorade so mixed with Glacier Freeze and its pretty good.
Have you tried Tito's Vodka? It is from Austin, Texas. It's very smooth and a great mixer.
yeah I like Titos
Where’s Hennessy on this list?
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