6/28/12

Since I'm now recruiting for a boutique wealth management firm rather than a bulge bracket investment bank, I'm seeing a whole new type of resumes. Some of them are quite funny, and you all know me -- I love to share.

Since people in the past have been upset by my posting humorous responses to the drek I read in resumes, I considered just posting the drek this time and omitting the humor. However, it just didn't seem as useful. The point is that this stuff doesn't sound that funny until you're a recruiter looking at your fortieth resume of the day -- and in order to submit a good resume, you need to understand your recruiter's point of view. Here we go.

Candidate 1: High school GPA: 3.52. [Not very tough college] GPA: 2.96.
Great, dude. Clearly, you had a lot more fun in college than you had in high school. It's understandable; your school is known for partying. But if you're trying to prove that you have the potential for a 3.52, then you'd also have to answer to why that potential went down the tubes during college and why you're still a top-quality candidate. Sadly, I don't have the time or inclination to ask that question. Next.

Candidate 2: Summers 2001-2006: Burger Patch Restaurant, Sales Associate.
You know what they say -- if your summer group keeps asking you back, it shows that you are hardworking and likable. Next.

Candidate 3: First place, poetry.com Poem Contest.
Hmm -- isn't that the contest that's famous for awarding first place to everyone who enters? Did you shell out the $65 for the heirloom-quality coffee table book containing your poem, the $575 to accept your award at the quarterly conference, and the $169 for the elegant silver-tone trophy cup too? If so, I would like to honor your ground-breaking work in poetry as well. Please PM me for the name and address where you should send your check. Next.

Candidate 4: Diablo 2 -- Self-Run Online Business.
This is exactly the kind of entrepreneurial self-starter we want in our firm. Next.

Candidate 5: "This seems to be an ideal position that will enable me to contribute to your company by utilizing my current skills and experience. I am eager and enthused to be given the opportunity to contribute my diligence and hard work ethic to your company.... My work experience has taught me to work independently as well as exemplifying team work by taking initiative in other aspects of departmental obligations such as administrative support."
My friend, you probably thought that exhausting the thesaurus would make you sound intelligent. Unfortunately, all it did was make you sound like a tool. Also, it doesn't hide the fact that your grammar is disappointing. Next.

Candidate 6: Fanatic video gamer (mainly console).
There is a short list of things that you should never put on a resume, no matter how true they are. Smoking marijuana is one. Drinking to blackout is another. Fanatic video gaming is in the same group. Like many scions of the '80's, I am a huge video game fan and have wasted too much of my life on video games -- from Final Fantasy I in 1990 to Street Fighter II in 1993 to World of Warcraft and Civ 4 and Guitar Hero II now. Does that mean I have sympathy for somebody who feels that this belongs on his resume? Absolutely not. That's something you can bring up on the third round of drinks during a social event when there are no seniors around to hear, but not on your resume.

Comments (245)

8/28/07

Also, there's a big difference between saying, "I am interested in video games," and "I am a fanatic console video gamer. ExTREEEEM!" I don't mind people saying they like video games, even if I don't see why it would help me make a decision about them as a candidate. But if you call yourself a fanatic, I'm going to get images of the pasty rotund boys who can argue for hours about the metaphysics of Megaman. And that's just not good.

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8/28/07

Hahahaha. I get what you mean. Lol.

8/28/07

mis ind, why don't you fly down to NYC to do this instead of forcing sean to fly to cali?

8/28/07

Actually, instead of cushy air travel, why don't the two of you just walk to Des Moines have the fight there? It's roughly half way, y'all seem to have excess energy, and you could brag about who got there faster.

I'll call the local media to cover this great duel of the internet-posting-bankers. All the farmers will come out and watch.

When you come back, more resumes please.

8/28/07

haha. Seanc has a small pee-pee. Miss Ind seems nice - maybe a little full of herself but that's fair enough since she appears to be able to back it up.

8/28/07
8/28/07

Nice site. The world has needed a truly independent consumer review for styles and dojo for a long time. Small nit: I think it's pretty unfortunate and reductive, however, that they rank styles by number: "Kicking: 6. Punching: 8," and so forth. Unless it's a truly large and well-diversified set of people who've actually trained in the home dojo of all these styles (even those styles that lack a home dojo), I think it may be a little thinly researched to actually be able to give a valid numerical rating. For instance, every Shotokan school I've ever trained in has taught grappling of some sort, even though grappling is not a part of Shotokan. Thus, you could give it a 1 for groundwork, but my personal experience would be at least a 4.

Nice to see, however, that the martial arts world at large is finally taking a bite out of Ashida Kim. That man's books are incredibly annoying and incredibly ubiquitous, and you can always tell a fan by the fact that they're seventeen, psychotic, and claiming to have ninja magic that they discovered through his books.

Out of curiosity, was there a particular point you were trying to make by directing us all here, or were you just being generally helpful? The site doesn't seem to be hating on me, any of my people, or any of my styles.

8/28/07

Let's see who can resist the temptation to not provoke the other.

8/28/07

I am merely providing an independent source of information. You're right, of course. It is about time the martial arts community started policing itself.

Check it out in more depth, you might learn something!

Good luck.

8/28/07

If anyone can appreciate the site, it is you, Mis Ind.

Your training in martial arts has a decidedly different flavor than the training one would receive in a McDojo.

8/28/07

I do appreciate it. It's not perfect, but it's pretty frickin' cool nonetheless. It makes me itch to start outing people that I probably shouldn't identify by name -- like my first teacher who, upon learning that his style required that he always be at least two ranks higher than his highest black belt, simply promoted himself every time he promoted his highest student. I think he's up to 7th dan now, in his middle 40's, and hasn't been a student of anybody for at least twenty years. Heh.

8/28/07

What, no msg in my PM? No time? No date? No one is going to die?

Well, this is certainly disappointing.

8/28/07

I tell you...both Mis Ind and SeanC provide some much needed laughs throughout the day...I hope we can all order the primetime fight on Pay-Per-View...LOL

8/28/07

No, Aad. No PMs to me either. He's too busy to follow through with the threats. One would think that he'd either step in the ring or stop running his mouth. To do neither simply marks him out for what he is.

I wonder how much longer we will have to wait before we meet The King. Remember that, Aad?

8/28/07
Mis Ind:

I wonder how much longer we will have to wait before we meet The King. Remember that, Aad?

Yes, but ofcourse. One shant forget The King is in the house. Sigh.

Well it looks like we'll have to cool our heels since it's obvious Seancee will simply keep us waiting.

8/28/07

Out of curiosity, what events did you compete in? I competed at the junior olympic level for a few year and am excited to see another martial arts enthusiast kicking around these boards!

8/28/07

Simple adage that I follow, "Empty vessels make the most noise." You folks are free to interpret it however you wish. :)

Cheers!

8/28/07

Did you ever know Rick Tucci? I practiced muay thai under him for a bit.

8/28/07

I was on the NASKA circuit in the mid to late 90's, as well as whatever crappy regionals I could find (ASKL et al) in the Southeast from 1993 onwards. It was nice to compete against people from dozens of different styles, but it was a bit of a hodgepodge and certainly wasn't perfect. I never found a fair, worthwhile circuit to compete on, so I did the best I could with what I had.

You must have been a TKD student... only judo and TKD are considered even semi-Olympic sports, and only TKD pushes significant numbers of juniors into international competition.

8/28/07

Walter, that name doesn't sound familiar at all. I don't think I ever knew him.

8/28/07

Easy to taunt me when I'm the one supposed to take a weekend off as a First year analyst, book a 6 hour flight to fight some loudmouth who may or may not be a 14 yr old kid.

8/28/07

You must have been a TKD student... only judo and TKD are considered even semi-Olympic sports, and only TKD pushes significant numbers of juniors into international competition.

No, kumite - a karate point-sparring event. There is no karate at the Olympic level but there are multiple events at the J-Olympic level.

You will have to explain what you mean by "semi-olympic" sports when you refer to Judo and TKD. Olympic Judo is possibly the most grueling, dangerous, and intense Olympic sport.

What type of events did you participate in on the NASKA circuit?

8/28/07

Nice. I had no idea karate had junior Olympic kumite competitions. I've seen some of those tournaments -- which rules do you use? The point fighting isn't my style, but it's fast and interesting nonetheless. Good to see another martial artist on the board.

8/28/07

"Easy to taunt me when I'm the one supposed to take a weekend off as a First year analyst, book a 6 hour flight to fight some loudmouth who may or may not be a 14 yr old kid."

Hey, man... you're the one who said you were going to fly out to California to beat me up (which eventually morphed into killing me). As for my being fourteen -- there are now about eight people on IBO who know me or who know people who know me. Additionally, there's the photograph I posted with proofs of the various things you were contesting. And then there are your constant statements: you want me "dead", "fired and humbled", you "can't let this baby die", while at the same time you want to have sex with me or with someone like me? At this point you've made it clear that you're just compulsively malevolent. I do believe that you're a first-year analyst... but you're certainly not behaving like an adult.

8/31/07

Five stars to your post for entertainment.

8/31/07

very entertaining

9/1/07

You are all...retarded. And given the amount of time you all spend on these boards on a thursday morning, *cough Mis Ind* probably unemployed.

9/1/07
Schumacher:

You are all...retarded. And given the amount of time you all spend on these boards on a thursday morning, *cough Mis Ind* probably unemployed.

Thank you Schumacher, a breath of FUCKING FRESH AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9/3/07

funny stuff..ill be sure not to put that stuff on my resume

4/28/09

wow @ reviving a 2 year old thread to spam your website. Good job.

4/28/09

Especially considering the site sucks. If you want to get a call back, this is the only cover letter you should even consider:
http://www.leveragedsellout.com/2004/01/re-lehman-...

5/27/09

I just spent like 15 minutes reading through all the drama of this thread. Only to see it ends with some shameless plug. I will never get those 15 minutes of my life back, you inglorious spamming cocksucker.

5/30/09

Does running your own online business (in high school --> sophomore year of college) decrease chances of getting an ibanking interview? They strictly do NOT want people who are at all entrepreneurial?

11/17/10

what the fuck

6/16/11

haha

6/16/11

I'm glad this was bumped. It's a hilarious read. I do wonder where these people are right now or maybe it was all one person.

6/19/11

cant believe I just read through all these 5 pages of bullshit!

7/11/11

miss IGN finally your back FOR love i wish you were my mother because i would of learn alot about how to become a man since even my parent doesn't have the class like you do and their doctors

TEACH ME please

can you please just write a book one day or something to guide guy like me who 18 yr old out of High school no first clue on how to dress/talk/get a great resume into a become a IB Analyst or S&T trader

Much appreciated

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause
While the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one

6/28/12

candidate 2 could be a manager now.

The Four E's of investment
"The greatest Enemies of the Equity investor are Expenses and Emotions."- Warren Buffet

6/28/12

Great to see how mature some of the prominent users here (I'm looking at you, Bondarb) were 5 years ago...

Most people do things to add days to their life. I do things to add life to my days.

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6/28/12

Holy necro thread batman! How many ibankingoasis threads are going to be revived.

6/29/12
bearing:

Holy necro thread batman! How many ibankingoasis threads are going to be revived.

The more the merrier. Falls perfectly in place with the recent(ish) zombie attacks! Conspiracy theories abound!

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." - IlliniProgrammer

6/29/12

Too funny! That made my Friday. Hi5!

6/29/12

i feel like i missed the high noon of this board by reading threads like this....good times. wonder where these characters are now, did they not make the transition from ibankingoasis to WSO?

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