There comes a time when we heed a certain call
When The Street must come together as one
There are layoffs happ’ning
And it’s time to lend a hand to bankers
The greatest gifts of all…

Deep in the throes of wintertime, I tend to listen to my iPod on shuffle mode more often. Maybe it’s because my Beats by Dre headphones double as cozy earmuffs. Maybe it’s because my eardrums are liable to spontaneously collapse if I am subjected to a minute more of Christmas music. Maybe it’s because my taste in music is so terrible I can’t fully appreciate the lyrical genius of Beauty and the Beat. Regardless, beyond the immortal Michael Jackson (RIP), trusty ol’ shuffle usually pumps out some inspiring, introspective tunes – and they often relate to my thoughts about Wall Street.

We can’t go on pretending day by day
That someone, somehow will soon make a change
We are all a part of The Beard’s great big family
And the truth, you know
Liquidity is all we need

You see, when you’re a young banker, the lines between your worklife and lifework can get blurry. And in these tough times, it’s especially difficult for those outside the Wall Street bubble to really understand what our lives are like. For some, life is more easily expressed through song, so I put together this shuffle-inspired playlist to help your mom better understand the nature of your work.

Interns

mod note (Andy) see part one here

The breeze is brisk, the Starbucks cups are red, and the sidewalks of New York City are crowded body-to-body with packs of overweight tourists and kids on leashes. With football season in full swing and the winter doldrums looming large, summer days spent slamming beers at The Standard beer garden are but a distant memory. The holiday season is upon us, and while investment banking analysts across Wall Street are girding for a fiscal cliff-induced Christmas deal staffing special, a hint of holiday cheer hangs around the bullpen. That’s because around this time of year, junior investment bankers celebrate a Wall Street tradition as hallowed as the almighty 100-page Strategic Alternatives pitch. Monkeys rejoice – it’s Holiday Party season.

WSO EXCLUSIVE: Titans of Wall Street caught in candid conversation on Facebook! Read on below and after the break:

The New York City area is home to nearly 20 million people and 20 trillion cockroaches living together in blissful harmony. Well over 1 million people alone are packed into the 23 square miles that make up the island of Manhattan. New York is known for high rents, high couture, and of course – high finance. Every summer, waves of newly-minted investment bankers descend upon the city, snapping up apartments left and right in several of the many neighborhoods and areas in proximity to Wall Street.

Let’s take a walk down NYC’s East Side and survey the typical mistmaker lifestyle in a few of the City’s most banker-heavy nabes:

When you’re meeting new people, even in casual social situations, the topic of work is never far off. Maybe this is a general commentary on The Texting Generation’s lacking conversation skills, but I always find myself getting asked about my work shortly after being introduced to someone.

“Sooo… what do you do?”

It's a question I never want to answer...

August

Training’s over, and you’ve just hit the new group. You’re getting to know your bullpen-mates and you’ve picked up a few bullshit staffings. You’re settled into your new apartment in Murray Hill (no roaches yet!) and you’re loving the nightlife in NYC. You head out to the bars with your newfound work bros on Thursdays for happy hour. Life is good, and Joshua Tree fuckin rocks.

September

After Labor Day, things start to pick up a bit...

Props to bankerella for an insightful post delving into the mind of the newly-minted first-year investment banking associate. The only thing it was missing was a blanket apology for all of the seasoned analysts who, for the next few months, have to put up with the insufferable “value add” of their MBAed colleagues.

Analysts, if there’s anyone you shouldn’t be afraid of, it’s a bumbling first-year associate fresh out of b-school. Remember, you already do all the work around here – make it clear that until they find their footing, you will be running the show.

When speaking to a new associate:

Do not attempt to “add value” by “adding work.
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I did not check these numbers at all. Please do your job and check them.

mod note: see part 2 here

Since I’ve been writing for WSO, my most popular posts have been about banking experiences. The All Nighter is perhaps one of the most quintessential experiences of investment banking. While I agree with bankerella in that you can assuage some of the pain of working through an all-nighter with attitude adjustments generally involving ‘sucking it up,’ for most of us, there’s something about that very raw blend of stress and fatigue that just won’t go quietly. And so every year, generations of junior investment bankers – some of the most elaborate whiners on the planet – pass on their legendary tales of brutal nights spent at the office. Relive the horror of yesteryear (or yesterday).

The following post is Part 2 of an investment banking analyst's nightmare all-nighter.

If you missed Part 1, read it here.

After getting ready to leave work at a reasonable hour, you get bombed with a nasty email and get caught up in a fire drill that will have you pulling an all-nighter at work. You just got through an unbelievable load of late-night additions to the pitchbook you've been cranking on, and you're catching a breather after sending the latest draft to your VP....

When you work 80-hour weeks regularly and the staples of your diet are $25 Seamlessweb pasta dishes and burger combos, inevitably, nature is going to call – on your office line. For the majority of analysts on Wall Street, working at an investment bank is your first time in a professional office environment.

To the uninitiated, the bathrooms at investment banks might be imagined as marble palaces, freshly stocked with the finest supplies for bankers’ quiet time atop gold-plated commodes. To those in the know – well, you know it’s not so. Five observations regarding your favorite place to catch up on Words with Friends while at the office:

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the way people in our corner of the world use email. As even the greenest summer analyst knows, on Wall Street, email is the primary means of communication – in other words, the primary method of transferring and generating work. The curse of the buzzing Blackberry afflicts thousands of young analysts and associates, who dream of the days when they only carried one cell phone. On the weekends, the Almighty Blinking Red Light is like a beacon of doom, a grinding reminder of the very much tethered existence of the typical junior financier.

It’s Saturday morning and you’ve slept in hard after a long week of late nights and life-threatening levels of caffeine consumption. You forgot to take out your contact lenses before passing out last night, so your eyelids are fused shut. Buzz buzz – oh no…

You answer the call of the Almighty Blinking Red Light with dutiful purpose and a heavy heart. You fumble with the keys until you hit the unlock sequence, and the screen illuminates. It’s a uniquely terrible feeling waking up to multiple work emails. Deep breath.

From: Jason Brownoser
Subject: Fw: Re: Re: Re:

Not good. Immediately you can tell this is a long email chain, denoted by the multiple response tags. Additionally, it appears as though the conversation has occurred via Blackberry, as there are no all-caps tags (as there would have been if the chain was sent through Outlook).

Want to be a great investment banker? Sure, you do! Do you want to be the one they call in to make the big deals with your expert team that you’ve built? Why not, you’re the Managing Director and your salary reflects this great achievement. So how did you become not just a good banker but one of the best? You checked in your morals at the front door because in order to make it further than any of your peers you had to get creative in bringing in big ticket transactions.

This creativity fits well with Wall Street’s long history of questionable transactions but before you take your first steps towards getting that corner office, you should consider the limitations of your own moral compass and be aware of Wall Street’s culture of corruption and Kozlowski-like thinking. Here are three recent examples of unethical practices that so-called great bankers have engaged in…

“I think my greatest achievement would be ‘Sussudio,’ hands down. Seriously. What are you laughing at?” – from the Uncyclopedia entry on Phil Collins

We haven't had a quality discussion on Wall Street music on WSO since the superday Playlist thread, so here's a tribute to someone who should be familiar to us all...

Much maligned and oft misunderstood. The Investment Banking Associates. To many analysts they are the deadbeat hippie embroidery/glass blowing double majors who decided to get their acts sort-of-straight and become investment banking lifers with no better Buyside tomorrow ahead of them. To the establishment higher-ups they are the next potential generation of BSDs, making it rain and providing the IB its own form of Future Value.

However you slice it, being an associate is almost unavoidable in high finance. Whether you're in it for the long haul or looking to jump elsewhere, one thing is likely... Wherever you go, whatever you do... this may certainly await: