Tomatoes, Fees and T.Tees
Still struggling to digest the profit projectile vomit inducing Merrill/Countrywide acquisitions, Bank of America has resorted to new bottom line boosting tactics.
The once mighty pimp hand behind the world's largest ATM stable, has begun to lay the smacketh down on unsuspecting johns and janes nationwide. Formerly free services including: fluffing, free checking, smiling at customers, no fee accounts are being jettisoned in favor of a leaner, "they rape us for raping you, so we rape you in different orifice" approach. In an added twist of fiscal genius, the boys from Norf Cacalack will raise fees on "the most basic accounts which don't generate a lot of activity", further cementing their status as the supermarket bank everybody loves.
In order to combat the predicted ire of literate and cognitively functional customers, the B of A/Merrill M&A team is rumored to be talking to Debralee Lorenzana about coming aboard, figuring that rummaging through Vikram Pandit's trash might result in a buy-ho/sell-lie opportunity.
What's the plan, you ask? As I am sure all my commodity traders who prefer V8 to Red Bull already know, the oversupplied tomato harvest has sent prices tumbling quicker than LeBron in the playoffs.
Florida farmers who recently moved 25lb boxes at $30 are now being forced to take as little as $5 per. An unidentified source from the aforementioned deal team excitedly snapped something about "Biggie being right" and "nickels going for twenty, down south.
Things are no better in California and apparently this geographic arb opportunity is in the front of certain minds at the art institute formerly known as NationsBank.
Certain areas of the too-big-to-fail and too socialist to work state are predicting 40% decreases in tomato revenues compared to this time last year.
As a result local food banks are the big winners, and don't think the boys who were snapping up slices of that Z-tranche cake by the semi a few years back aren't noticing. Reports alleging : "The tomato surplus also means that food banks are getting a mountain of the fruit, often cooked as a vegetable. Fast-food chains are reversing tomato-by-request rationing policies imposed during the shortage earlier this year. And supermarkets are pushing piles of discounted tomatoes at salad, spaghetti and gazpacho lovers." are being looked upon with great interest and strategic curiousity.
Ingeniously, our banking brethren have approached several of the aforementioned food banks with merger pitches, reasoning that if they show enough good will, their balance sheet will soon reflect it and that the move would lead to IPO opportunities as early as, soon. When asked who the fuck would be stupid enough to go for something so idiotic one of the deal team members wiped his chin with an Abacus brochure, quickly Crackberried a pic of DebLo's tetas, while holding two Big Beef F1's in the other hand spinning them around like Baoding Balls and grinned proudly, "because it's gonna be one hell of a road show".
Might I ask, sir, are you drunk?
I like a little wHine with my gubment cheeze, who doesn't?.
Now, please do tell how you feel about the non-commoditization of onions, my good man?
Will I see a proper CME contract in me day?
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