Any bankers try OkCupid or eHarmony?

I think you guys should really be careful before you select Investment Banking as your career on any of these dating sites. It was nearly four months ago that I first created my profile on match.com. I'm no Jonas brother, but consider myself a decent looking guy. Anyway, I selected investment banking as my career and listed my annual income, set up the rest of my profile (I like dogs, swimming, cocaine etc), and went to sleep. I figured I'd leave my line in the water for a day or so, and check back on it in a day or two. This is where shit got crazy.

At the time, I had a lenovo thinkpad. Nothing fancy, just a solid workhorse of a laptop. Never had any issues, until that night. At around 3:15 AM, I woke up to a room filled with smoke and noticed a small glow coming from my desk. Upon closer inspection, the bitch was on fucking fire. Quickly, I poured out the dregs of a week-old Coors that was sitting on my desk to extinguish the small flame and opened the window to let the smoke out. I was tired as shit, so I went back to sleep.

The next day at work, I tried to log into my account on match.com, but the site said that it was performing some routine maintenance and apologized for the inconvenience. Whatever I'll check the shit later.

However, after signing into my email, I noticed an unusual message from Site Administration at match.com, and opened it to investigate. I read it. Apparently, the volume of women (and a few flamers) that attempted to message me caused the servers at the match.com headquarters to crash. They notified me that I was required to list my income at less than $80,000 annually, or I could keep my income but had to replace Investment Banking with Consulting. This would obviously cause the number of suitors to decrease and the site could resume normal operations. Fuck them and their site, attempting to degrade me to such lowly status. I went into the site and added my bonus to the annual income. Fuckers.

Within two hours, all major news channels were covering the breaking news: a fire had broken out and engulfed the entire match.com headquarters at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in Manhattan. The CEO at match.com quickly shifted the blame to the women making clothes a few floors below. You can read about the cover-up here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangle_Shirtwaist_Factory_fire). Match.com quickly booted their remote servers and the site was back online within minutes, and thanks to the beefed-up specs of the remote servers, I was able to access my inbox and begin reaping the rewards of my elite status.

These days, in my free time I slay women at an average rate of 2 per hour. It would be more, but I prefer a ham and cheese sandwich in between sessions. The average quality of women is a 9.3 and I never double-dip. However, in order to protect me from the militias of middle-class men who wish to cut off my balls a la The Ladies Man for stealing all of the match.com women, I now have 5 german shepherds who wear bespoke bulletproof vests, and have hired Marvin Harrison as my full time bodyguard. Sometimes we run train.

A few weeks after my apartment fire, FDNY Investigators determined that the cause of the fire was a blunt roach that was not fully extinguished and reignited when it came into contact with some Bacardi 151 that some stupid whore spilled on my desk when me and Marvin were Eiffel Towering her the night before.