In perhaps the most unsurprising news since Tiger's decision to return for the Masters, Lenny Dykstra losing all of his money to late night infomercials, or Cramer getting investigated by the SEC, The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Bern-alicious got his nose broke and face re-arranged by another inmate in the slammer.
Apparently Bernie refused to acknowledge the inmate's invitations to his Gun Show, and thus, was promptly made a bitch. "Ese got out of pocket, so we decided to give him a little tune-up," Mo The Mallet told reporters, "took him out to the yard, did the Watusi on his grill. Dude is lucky he didn't get the shank."
According to reports, Madoff -- a.k.a. Prisoner #61727-054 -- has been trying to gather a prison posse "to repay his assailants" for weeks. Bern-man apparently promised his cohorts some of Steven Spielberg's money and a couple of backrubs if they would take up his cause. So far, no luck.
This is not Madoff's first brush with hand-to-hand combat. In October, Madoff reportedly got into a scuffle with another senior citizen in an effort to assert himself as an in the system. Both were hospitalized with heart palpitations and minor scuffing.
Madoff's lawyers refuse to comment on his actions in prison, or anything else, seemingly because they do not want to jeopardize his reputation. Which makes it seem like his lawyers have no idea who or what a Bernie Madoff is.
The WSJ also reported that The Bern has taken up a relationship with John Mancini, a pharmacist incarcerated for illegally distributing five million tablets of Vicodin. They hope to open a prison bookstore together. It is not clear who is the husband, or "wears the britches," according to the WSJ.
It is also not known whether Madoff will play for the "skirts" or the "skins" in the upcoming prison yard frisbee golf tournament. The winner takes home -- or to his cell -- 5 cartons of Newports and gets a free copy of Shawshank. The loser has to spoon the guy from The Green Mile.
Next month's activities: Bernie gets tatted up.