1) Merkel: 50 pct haircut to cut Greek debt by 100 bln euros (Reuters) - It's gotta suck to be Greek right now. Your creditors feel lucky to get 50 cents on the dollar, your goverment couldn't borrow a buck from a payday loan joint, and now you have full-time fiscal babysitters making sure you don't fuck things up any worse. Pass the Ouzo.

2) Madoffs Attempted Suicide, Wife Says (FIN Alternatives) - Who enters a suicide pact with Bernie Madoff? I can almost hear the conversation. "Sure thing, Ruthie, you take the pills first. I'm right behind you." What a dick.

3) Here's Why Everyone's Freaking Out About BofA Moving Its Derivatives To Its Retail Banks (Business Insider) - This probably hasn't been getting as much attention as it should be. We touched on it last week, but one of you hit me on Twitter and asked me to do a whole post about it. I may still, but this is a pretty good explanation of the situation in the meantime.

4) Number of female 'Fortune' 500 CEOs at record high (USA Today)- This is great news considering where women were in the workforce just 40 years ago. I'm betting the President of the United States will be a woman within the next two decades. And ladies, we men in business are glad to see you to break through the glass ceiling; it makes it easier to look up your skirt.

5) Spenders Become Savers, Hurting Recovery (Wall Street Journal) - I understand the theory behind this, but I just can't swallow that Americans doing a better job of managing their personal finances is a bad thing. Maybe I'm just an Austrian at heart, but saving and investment were what put America on the map in the first place. If the crisis has taught us anything, it's that debt is a disease.

6) The tarnished broker (The Independent) - When it comes to hatchet jobs on bank CEOs, Jamie Dimon generally fares pretty well. And while this piece doesn't rise to the level of "hatchet job", it does make the case that JP Morgan Chase in general and Dimon in particular could be doing a lot better job. By the way, how did I miss the fact that Dimon came to blows with Sir Deryck Maughan in 1998? Would've liked to have seen that.

7) Army Ranger Dies On 14th Deployment (ABC News) - There's bad ass, and then there's taking it to a whole other level. Sgt. First Class Kristoffer Domeij, 29, was killed by a roadside bomb in Kandahar Province this week on his 14th combat deployment. The Army Ranger spent time in both Afghanistan and Iraq, where he was part of the team who rescued Jessica Lynch in 2003. It's men like this who make me proud to have been a part of the military. Elysium welcomes another warrior home.

8) Worst California biker feud in decade erupted at Starbucks (Reuters) - This is some Sons of Anarchy shit here. Apparently the Hells Angels and the Vagos went full auto on each other at John Ascuaga's Nugget in Sparks, Nevada (boy, do I ever have a story about that place) after the two gangs clashed months earlier with ball peen hammers outside a Starbucks in Santa Cruz, California. You read that right: fucking hammers.

9) Rob Gronkowski Apologizes for Pics with Porn Star BiBi Jones; Jones Responds With Tweet Of the Year (Bro Bible) - So Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski spent some quality time with loose end Bibi Jones during his bye week. I don't get why he had to apologize; it's not like he was caught on videotape cheating on the sidelines or anything. In any case, we come to find out that young miss Jones is quite the draw with professional athletes, but at least she's all class about it.

10) Why You Shouldn't Pick Up The Halloween Slut (Ask Men) - While we're on the subject of sluts, Halloween is this weekend, so they'll be out in force. While this can be a feast for the eyes, this piece argues that you're probably better off going after the gal dressed as a Mother Theresa than you are the half-naked witch if you're looking to score. The logic behind it? Halloween is for make believe, so the prudes dress like sluts and vice versa. Makes sense to me.

For the Video of the Week this week, I thought I'd get the female perspective on the subject. Jenna Marbles doesn't entirely agree with #10's analysis, and she's just cute enough to hear what she has to say for 5 minutes. Plus, she says "fuck" a lot. Her daddy must be proud. Enjoy:

That's it for this week, fellas. Let me know what you think of this week's bananas in the comments, and have a Happy Halloween and a great weekend!