Day 1: To Be A Better Man

My self-development journey started in May 2010. I was broke, overweight and single. Life became one giant question mark, and for me, it was extremely painful and stressful. I went through an emotional journey to rebuild my identity, get in shape and find a purpose in life. It wasn’t easy but I am glad that I came out stronger at the end. Exactly one year after, I am rightfully employed and pursuing my career. I have lost 45 lbs to a healthy weight at 180 lbs. And my dating life has been going well. What have I learned so far? Here are a few rules I think every "young gentleman" should know...

[ √ ] 1. Having confidence and sophistication

[ √ ] 2. Developing a great habit of reading and writing

[ √ ] 3. Learning how to live with honesty, kindness and beauty

[ √ ] 4. Making friends with people who are continuously improving themselves

[ √ ] 5. Fixing bad habits and developing great ones

[ √ ] 6. Learning how to have patience and to forgive

[ √ ] 7. Staying positive (mentally) and keeping in shape (physically)

[ √ ] 8. Remembering to smile often and being a gentleman

[ √ ] 9. Going after the woman, the love of your life without any regrets

[ √ ] 10. Doing everything you can to get the kind of career you want

[ √ ] 11. Believing that you can be successful both in personal and professional lives

[ √ ] 12. Doing things better than women

[ √ ] 13. Helping your partner to realize her dreams

[ √ ] 14. Learning to have courage and taking responsibilities

[ √ ] 15. Having faith in yourself and learning never to give up

[ √ ] 1. Having confidence and sophistication
As a young man matures into adulthood, he needs to invest in himself. He needs to learn who he really is by figuring out his values in life. The most important quality for a confident man is having “class”. A confident man can weather any storm that life throws at him. He is courageous. He fears hardship and difficulties in life as everyone does. But he “chooses” to face them courageously. He conquers his own fears. When a man is confident you can literally feel him glowing. Friends and enemies alike can feel his presence. If you wanted people to have confidence in you, you must learn to be confident about yourself first. A man with confidence in himself can overcome any adversity that life throws at him.

A man with class is like an ocean. He never rejects others and willing to take people under his wings. He is long term greedy because he sees that there are more to life than short term benefits. He is generous with his time and kindness. My father uses to tell me that a strong man aspires to be a big tree to weather the storm for the smaller and older trees who can’t fend for themselves. A real man uses his power to empower others.

[ √ ] 2. Developing a great habit of reading and writing
When a man is in his twenties, he starts entering into society and learn to deal with others. Learning how to articulate your thoughts elegantly and effectively is the best way to influence others. A knowledgeable man is well-read. A wise man writes a lot. No matter how busy he gets, he always take time to read and write. Because reading and writing is one of the best ways to monitor your own thoughts. When you read, you learn new things. When you write, you have the chance to reflect your thoughts.

Every great man needs a great book. A good book is like a good friend. He can help you to reach your goals. Through reading great works, you learn to organize your thoughts better. I remember Socrates once said, “Employ your time in improving yourself by other men’s writings, so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for.” Everything you want in life, someone probably has already dealt with it before. So try to read about their stories and how they deal with their challenges in life, you will find their experience priceless.

Nothing is sexier than a man who is passionate in life. Being passionate is a lifestyle choice. It’s also action oriented. It says that “I am doing something about it.” Then adds on being persistence. A man who is passionately and persistently going after what he loves is truly a man I aspire to be. When a man constantly face challenges in his life daily and keep on working on them, he grows up. He becomes mature. He becomes a grown responsible man.

[ √ ] 3. Learning how to live with honesty, kindness and beauty
When a man is in his twenties, he needs to learn how to face with reality. He needs to live life honestly. It means that he can live with himself and his actions. He doesn’t lie to himself nor lie to others. “Honestly” meant honestly making a living. Honestly putting your nose down the grindstone and keep working for what you want.

Kindness means treating other with respect. And it always means taking care of yourself. Sometimes a little kindness can go a long way. Philosophically speaking, “life is not without beauty, we only need to train ourselves to see the beauty in it.” Life is the same way. Don’t focus on the negatives. You will attract more negatives things in your life. You think life is “unfair” because you can’t face life with positivity. Life is full of hope. When you look up in the sky, you will see the sun gently radiant its warm rays upon you. When you see life in a positive way, you will feel great from deep within.

[ √ ] 4. Making friends with people who are continuously improving themselves
When you are in your twenties, you finally have choices over the kind of people who want to be friends with. In our society, relationship is very important. And your circle of friends can have great impact on your life. A real man needs to have a lot of friends. Most important they have to be friends who want better things for you in life. I remember a famous quote that said,

“Be Selective: I just do not hang around anybody that I don’t want to be with. Period. For me, that’s been a blessing, and I can stay positive. I hang around people who are happy, who are growing, who want to learn, who don’t mind saying sorry or thank you… and [are] having a fun time.” ~ John Assaraf

Because making smart decisions on who you want to be friends with will change your life. My best friend used to tell me “you are average of five people you hang out with the most”. So spend time finding the right people in your life.

“Everyday people shape and influence your life. Find the right people and you’ll be a better person for it. Note: In most case you won’t have to look very hard.” ~ #40, The Rule of A Gentleman

But in order to make great friends, you need to first learn to give. You need to be sincerely got to know them. You need to give them your time, your true friendship and your sincerity. Because people who are really successful and who are really happy inside and out, can see through you very easily. If you were just using them, they will realize it soon enough. But if you truly want to know them and be their good friends, it will pay great dividends later in life. When you really need help, you will find many helping hands. When you are in a battle, you will find many great friends rush to your rescues. These things take time. Most importantly you need to learn to be a good friend to them in the first place.

[ √ ] 5. Fixing bad habits and developing great ones
As you grow up, you need to learn to fix your bad habits. Bad habits are well bad habits. They can be changed. If you have still have bad habits in your late twenties, it will deter your growth. You will miss a lot of great opportunities in life because of them. A few of the great habits I can think of is “being on time” and “keeping your words”. I really value that and it’s one of the yardsticks that I use in making friends.

If you still haven’t learned to rise early, you will never feel the sun warmth in the morning. If you still have not learn to execute your plans effectively and keep dragging on them, you will never get things done. If you were not motivated to learn new things in life, your future will be a very dark one, my friend. I believe that everyone want their lives to be better and to get better in life. To do so, you must constantly evolving.

[ √ ] 6. Learning how to have patience, and to forgive and forget
There are a lot of things that you can’t deal with in life. But you must learn to be patient. You need to learn how to forgive people. I remember Randy Paush (from the book, “Last Lecture”) said, “you wait long enough…. people will surprise and impress you. If you are pissed off at someone,” he said, “you haven’t waited long enough.”

Really successful men are really long term greedy. They are willing to take the hit. They are willing delay short term gratifications because they know that by doing so, they can achieve far greater things in life. They don’t whine or complain. They are only focus on their goals.

You need to forgive and forget not for the other peron who hurt you but for yourself. There is no point of holding such anger towards another person. It will poison your soul. You will get stuck at a point in your personal development. You will not be able to move forwards. In order to evolve further, you need to learn how to let things go. Someone hurted you, do what you needs to protect yourself and move on. Remember, you are doing this for yourself.

[ √ ] 7. Staying positive (mentally) and keeping in shape (physically)
As you grow older, you really need to take care your health. Your body is like a car engine. If you don’t take care of it, eventually things will start breaking down. And your mind is like the gasoline that fuels the engine. You need to put in quality gasoline (positive thoughts) for your engine (your body) to run effectively.

You can get up in the morning and try running every day. It won’t take much of your time. In fact if you were to exercise an hour a day, that’s only 4.16% less than 5% of your time. Would it be worth it to put in an 1 hour a day to really take care of yourself so that you can live longer? Of course it is.

Mentally, you can afford to lose battles in life. But you can’t lose “the drive and the will” to succeed and try. You only truly reject yourself when you give up on yourself. Once you can master your mind, you will be invincible.

[ √ ] 8. Remembering to smile often and being a gentleman
Remember to smile. It shows that you are a positive person. Remember to really smile from deep within. A great smile signals others that you want to get to know them. Don’t look sad and feel like it’s the end of the world all the time. It will only alienate you from other people. People judge you by the smile you put over your face.

People say that the devil is in the details. People usually only take a few minutes to get to know you and how you present yourself matters a lot. You might have missed the opportunities to meet a great mentor, make a great friend, or find the love of your life, just because… yes, because you don’t have a smile over your face. So smile often. :)

[ √ ] 9. Going after the woman, the love of your life without any regrets
It’s human nature to be loved. We all aspire to have someone who accepts us 100%. When a man truly falls in love, he is the most adorable being. When a girl doesn’t know that you are in love with her, take the appropriate time to express your love. You got to at least try. Whether she accepts or rejects you, that’s all depend on how hard you try and whether you guys are destined to be together. You need to understand that every woman wants to be with a man who truly loves her.

A real man understands that love cannot be forced. He needs to know that if she can’t be his partner, he still needs to make sure he doesn’t lose her as a friend, because still maintaining a healthy relationship with someone you love is a wonderful thing. Love is holy because it cannot be forced. Because people have a choice on whom they want to be with. It’s a matter of principle. You have to accept, honor and respect her decision. But if you really tried hard to go after what you want, you will not have any regrets in your life.

[ √ ] 10. Doing everything you can to get the kind of career you want
A real man must been career oriented. His career doesn’t need to impressive or grand. But it must have results. It must be something that he can pride himself of, “I did this on my own. I did my best for this.” A career oriented man, is also a man who wants to win, and also a responsible man. An ambitious man doesn’t want to be conventional. A responsible man, never afraid of hardship. He prides himself on things that he builds with his own hands and that’s make people respect him for what he is made of.

In order to gain something, you must give up something. If you wanted to be successful, you must labor industriously. If you are hesitant to give up something, you are just going to lose more down the road. And you might end up with nothing. I remember reading a quote that said, ‎”People cannot gain anything without sacrificing something. You must present something of equal value in order to gain something. That is the principle of equivalent exchange in alchemy.” ~ Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist

[ √ ] 11. Believing that you can be successful both in personal and professional lives
A great man is a great manager. He will be able to balance his personal and professional lives. People always say that you can’t have both things in life. In order to do well in career, you must give up your personal life and vice versa. But the most successful people I have met are really well-rounded individuals.

Most of my mentors are Partners, CEOs and Managing Directors at major corporations. They are happily married and have a wonderful family. They make things work because they communicate well with their family about the importance of their work in building the family. In the meantime, they work smarter to make time for their families. And I really aspire to be just like them. I really believe that a happy husband makes the most productive worker.

[ √ ] 12. Doing things better than women
If you were a real man, you need to do things better than women. This is not to say that women are weaker than men. It is to say that women are outshining men because they work harder. If a man were to work as hard as a woman, he can definitely do better. In today’s society, women have begun to have higher socioeconomic status and they finally have a choice on who they want to be with.

So if you were a man and you can’t do better than her, why would you she picks you? So as a man, we got to try harder. A friend of mine (Irene) told me that, “I want my man to be like my back-rock. I want him to be strong and reliable so that I can count/rely on him. I need him to be physically strong and emotionally mature.” That sticks with me.

[ √ ] 13. Helping your partner to realize her dreams
As a grown man and if you were married, you also have responsibility to help your partner to realize her dreams. Because that’s what a real man does. Someone said, “A man needs to take over the world to conquer a woman. And a woman need to conquer a man to take over the world.” That being said, for a woman whom you have sworn to protect, its only logical for you to help her realize her dreams.

You can’t let her forget about who she wants to be or where she needs to be just because she decides to be with you. You can’t let her make you the top priority in her life that she forgets about herself. Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Similarly, a great women is the core of a man well being. Whether a woman feels happy in her marriage really depends on whether a man cares about her. And a really caring and understanding husband knows what his wife’s dreams are. Most importantly, he actively help her to realize her dreams. That’s makes him a great husband that I aspire to be.

[ √ ] 14. Learning to have courage and taking responsibilities
As you grow older, you need to take responsibilities. You need to learn to put the weight of the world over your shoulder. Yes you must first learn to take care of yourself. Then taking care of your parents is your job. Loving and caring for your wife and children is your responsibility. Building a successful career is also a man’s job. So a man’s job is not just about taking care of his family and building his career but learning to deal with the weight of his responsibility. That’s because a real man have the courage to shoulder the responsibilities. And there is nothing to complain about because that’s what being a man is really about.

A man can cry but he doesn’t have the rights to grief loudly. A man have the rights to shed tears, but he doesn’t have the rights to do that in front of his parents, his wife and loved ones because if he falls down and breaks down, who else can they rely on? A man has the rights to give up, but he doesn’t have the rights to give up on his family and his career. As a real man, you have no choices but to shoulder your responsibilities.

[ √ ] 15. Having faith in yourself and learning never to give up
As you grow older, you have to learn to have faith in yourself. Because you allow people to reject you when you reject yourself first. If you never give up on yourself, people will not give up on you. You have to believe with everything you have that you are a man who can raise against all odds and adversities. If you don’t even believe in yourself, you have already lost the war.

So believe in yourself. You are unique and great. You can do anything you want in your life, if and only you put your heart and mind to you. Most importantly, never give up. When a door closes, another one will open. You just have to keep moving.

My Story:
Part 1: My Pursuit of Happyness
Part 2: My Pursuit of Happyness

See my previous posts in this series:
Day 1: To Be A Better Man
Day 2: Healthy Competition Among Mature Men
Day 3: I HATE YOU
Day 4: SWAG, Do You Have It?
Day 5: Word of Advice
Day 6: 10 Important Life Lessons
Day 7: Unofficial Guide to Banking & Dating
Bonus: Previous Useful Posts