Funniest Stories - The Analyst Years

Although working as an investment banking analyst was a living hell at the time, I now look back at my years with nostalgia. Luckily, as time passes, the 100 hour weeks just blend together and the pain has gone away. Of course, I'm still irrationally uncomfortable and nervous whenever I see a red blinking light (Blackberry email) but other than that, all I remember now are the fun times. The 5am nights when you finally get the pitch books binded and shipped to the MD's house and as you're waiting for the driver to call you and confirm that he delivered it, you're joking around with your associate/VP and realize that they're actually human beings too.

However, the best parts were the office gossip and hilarious stories that were shared among the analyst class. The best stories always came from the summer interns, which made sense because 20-21 year olds know absolutely nothing about anything (including common sense).

One of my favorite stories was a summer intern who had a bad case of diarrhea. Unfortunately for him, my BB was proud of their latest technology upgrade for the entire bullpen, the wireless headset (which of course is about 10 years behind the technology of any normal corporation).

Armed with this technology, he was able to piss off an entire deal team and probably single-handedly kill a deal.

After slaving for a month on a huge sellside pitch book for the client, two MDs and a director were off to the oh-so important meeting. The associate, two analysts and the intern in question were left at home base to call in and listen in on the call/meeting.

The company was trying to sell itself and had retained our bank as the sole advisor. The CEO/CFO however, were horribly paranoid about not getting screwed over by bankers. They asked the same questions over and over in different formats and probed around every slide "How did you get those numbers? Are you really sure that's a good comp for us? Is that too much equity to use? How does it look with 100% cash?"

Anyways, this obviously turned the meeting into a 3+ hour affair. The analysts had told him that he should listen in but mute his phone and also that since he had pulled a lot of late nights, he could just go home and sleep. The intern however, didn't believe the analysts and thought he should be alert on the call just in case someone important asked him a question on the call.

After a few boring hours, the intern with his aforementioned diarrhea just couldn't take it anymore.

Hilarity ensued.

His sense of self importance prevented him from simply putting down the headset. He took it with him and kept it off mute. I don't have to provide details on the rest, but the sounds of diarrhea shitting was conveyed to the entire deal team and client (their entire management team and a bunch of lawyers/accountants too).

The hilarious thing is that no one even said anything. If you've ever been on one of these calls, you know that even if the client's inaudible, or reception is bad, or you hear the standard kid crying in the background, everyone ignores it and stays silent.

After literally about 60 seconds of pure shitting/farting sounds, the client had heard enough. Suddenly a booming voice interrupts the MD's pitch of interlopers and you hear, "WHO THE FUCK IS TAKING A SHIT?!?!?!?"

Then there was a scrambling of voices, including someone saying "can you.....*scramble* mute..*scramble* your phone*"

Then there was a long silence and the call was dropped. Apparently the client decided to continue the rest of the meeting live and shut out everyone who had dialed in.

Unfortunately, the client shortly lost his will to continue. The CEO/CFO decided to take a break and the meeting only went on for about 30 minutes longer. The MDs and VP were PISSED as they came back to the office, emailing the associate/analyst to figure out who the hell it was.

Luckily, only the analysts knew this story and though our group was well known for being a sweatshop and having a fratty culture, in the end it was still analysts vs. everyone else. No one ratted out the intern and he was able to keep his job.

However, from now on, we're not allowed to take our headsets ANYWHERE away from our desks and most summer interns are required to mute their phones on calls to clients.

I'm sure there are thousands of other stories out there, and I have a dozen or so more myself, but figured I'd get this started and everyone else can share their memorable moments in banking.

Mod Note (Andy): #TBT Throwback Thursday - this was originally posted on 12/06/12. To see all of our top content from the past, click here.

 
Funniest

hahaha great story! Mine's not quite as hilarious but this happened during my summer internship at a BB. First assignment I am given.

VP: "Here is a floor plan of the 3 floors that are ours" Me: "Uh ok..." VP: "You need to make sure you scour every inch of every single one of these floors and mark down any stains in the carpeting on this floor plan" Me: "You're kidding right?" VP: "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Took me 2 hours but I walked up and down the hallways staring at the floor with a floor plan and pen in hand. Needless to say I got tons of odd looks and for a few weeks people on the other floors though I was some kind of janitor who took his job way too seriously wearing a button down and tie.

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell
 
SirTradesaLot:
It doesn't matter how old you get, stories involving shit always deliver. Solid story, well, not actually solid, but you know what I mean.

I like your posts, sir. Keep 'em coming (as well as the stories, folks).

 
AlsatianCousin:
SirTradesaLot:
It doesn't matter how old you get, stories involving shit always deliver. Solid story, well, not actually solid, but you know what I mean.

I like your posts, sir. Keep 'em coming (as well as the stories, folks).

Thank you.
 
Best Response

One year we had this absolutely phenomenal intern - arguably the best we'd had in a few years. He was brilliant, nice, down to earth, put together, and just got shit done. He was allowed to work without analyst supervision within a few weeks of starting his internship.

Fast forward to a party 2-3 weeks before the end of the summer. Kid gets completely smashed, but then has to go back to the office. Somehow ends up getting his work done and goes home. How he did that, I still don't know.

Anyway, the next morning we smell this stench coming from the coat closet as we pass by it. Turns out that in his inebriated state he had taken a piss there the night before. Thankfully (1) he was an amazing intern (2) the group head had been forcing shots down this kid's throat and wouldn't let him say no and (3) no one was really using the coat closet given the season. He got an offer, came back, and crushed it as analyst as well. I think he's over at a hedge fund now.

 

Jeez monkey shit for telling what I thought was a mildly amusing story...rough crowd

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell
 

stories about poop and pee never get old for some reason

If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough. "There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.
 

Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

 
johnwayne7:
Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

 
rufiolove:
johnwayne7:
Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

Hahahaha......yeah, that would be rough.
 
rufiolove:

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

Nah dawg, she taught 10 year olds and kindergartners, in addition to the remainder of the K-8 grades as the computer teacher at the Catholic semi-target (think St. Paul's, Sacred Heart, Pope John Paul) I attended.

 
rufiolove:
johnwayne7:
Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

maybe it was a a group of very special 10 year olds in kindergarden lol

 

Call me a skeptic, not buying it. I don't remember the last time lawyers and accountants were present at a pitch. They cost money and no one spends money on these fuckers for a pitch.

Second, I don't know what bank you worked at but I have yet to meet an MD that would go to see his client and tell him to hang on so he can open up the conference line for his shit head associate, analyst and intern to listen in.

Third, how did the shitting go on for 60 seconds without either the associate or analyst running over to the intern's phone and hanging it up? We're they under the impression that the noise was coming not from their pre-pubescent intern that just scurried off to the bathroom but rather from the CEO who decided to squat on the conference room table and evacuate his bowels all over the stack of spare pitch books?

Lastly, I don't know of this headset was beaming a signal from a satellite in orbit, but just how did this diarrhea inflicted intern get reception in the bathroom? I have a pretty nice headset and it starts cracking/dying 15 paces from my phone.

You're gonna have to do better than that.

 
Marcus_Halberstram:
Call me a skeptic, not buying it. I don't remember the last time lawyers and accountants were present at a pitch. They cost money and no one spends money on these fuckers for a pitch.

Second, I don't know what bank you worked at but I have yet to meet an MD that would go to see his client and tell him to hang on so he can open up the conference line for his shit head associate, analyst and intern to listen in.

Third, how did the shitting go on for 60 seconds without either the associate or analyst running over to the intern's phone and hanging it up? We're they under the impression that the noise was coming not from their pre-pubescent intern that just scurried off to the bathroom but rather from the CEO who decided to squat on the conference room table and evacuate his bowels all over the stack of spare pitch books?

Lastly, I don't know of this headset was beaming a signal from a satellite in orbit, but just how did this diarrhea inflicted intern get reception in the bathroom? I have a pretty nice headset and it starts cracking/dying 15 paces from my phone.

You're gonna have to do better than that.

  1. They were inhouse accountants and counsel buddy, sorry I wasn't more clear.

  2. The conference line was for everyone that couldn't make it. This part proves you are too removed from the industry. Every single pitch I've ever participated in has had a conference line open for the client's management who can't make it and want to dial in. This is as simple as it gets. The associate/analyst calling in is always standard. The associate will usually get asked the questions concerning the numbers if there are any, and he was involved in the call.

  3. Because they don't know who it was? Everyone was at their respective cubicles in the bullpen listening on the call. Are you assuming the associate rounded up everyone and got a conference room? This was not the case.

  4. There are 2 bathroom doors at my BB on every floor, it's extremely close to the bullpen and far away from the MD offices. Not sure if this fact will out the bank, but I've taken recruiter calls from the bathroom all the time. There is reception.

 

One of my good friends was doing an IBD internship at a BB a few years back. Everything is going well, he gets along with the team, works his ass off and it looks like they need a junior analyst. Fast forward to the last day of his internship and the whole team goes out for a big dinner and drinks. My friend gets absolutely smashed out of his mind starts a fight with the owner of the club and gets kicked out. So, he's fuming outside and one of the analysts comes outside to see whats up. In his inebriated state he starts crossing the road and BOOM! a car runs him over. The analyst rushes over, the car drives off and my friend is sprawled on the pavement with one of his shoes lying a few meters away. He's miraculously fine- walking around, talking. The ambulance comes, they immediately pop him in and for some reason his MD insists to be inside the ambulance cabin with him. They won't let him. The MD flips his lid and starts shoving the ambulance driver- the VP his holding him back and the driver slips away and drives off.

Needless to say my friend didn't get the FT offer, was in the hospital for >1 week and had to rock a cast for a month.

 

My story isn't from IB, but from PWM. We once had a new client who came in, and as we were getting him to fill up all the forms, one of the interns was sent to make a photocopy of the new client's passport.

10 minutes go by, he's still not back. Awkward silence in the room starts to set in and so the VP sends me to the copy room to check up on the intern.

I run there and ask the intern what's up and he's like hey man, I'm almost done. It turned out the moron was actually photocopying the whole passport (every single page) haha

 
rajpbt:
My story isn't from IB, but from PWM. We once had a new client who came in, and as we were getting him to fill up all the forms, one of the interns was sent to make a photocopy of the new client's passport.

10 minutes go by, he's still not back. Awkward silence in the room starts to set in and so the VP sends me to the copy room to check up on the intern.

I run there and ask the intern what's up and he's like hey man, I'm almost done. It turned out the moron was actually photocopying the whole passport (every single page) haha

This was pretty funny and very believable, +1

Frank Sinatra - "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
 

I banged a fellow offeree at a celebration weekend. One of the analysts was late the next day and caught us both getting out of the same cab (we were both also late for the same event). I'm going to get so much shit for this when I start FT.

Cheers.
 

A LONG time ago, worked in an office where the junior associate look a dump everyday, clockwork @ 9am; same bathroom, same stall, every day without fail. One day, we waited and faithfully, in he goes. We cut down a plastic garbage bag and filled with containers of frozen non-dairy topping (CoolWhip); completey sealed the outside of the men's room door with yellow CAUTION tape, sticky side facing in. Had a canned airhorn that sounded like the fire alarm; tossed in a few firecrakers, and let 'er rip!
POW-POW-POW.......firecrackers going off like the 4th of July, bathroom door gets ripped open from the inside, he steps in the bag of semi-soft CoolWhip, splattering all over his suit, and goes face first into the sticky CAUTION tape!!!!! It was the Sr. VP of Sales..............the junior associate, it later turns out, had started to follow the VP into the men's room and had gotten scared he might stink up the stall, so he went to another bathroom. Needless to say, a VERY quiet & controlled sales floor that day. And to the best of my knowledge, no one ever dared attempt a 'movement' in that men's room ever again! Fear of retaliation I quess. Sometimes, I miss those days.

 

This one's a classic my room mate told me which I'll try on one of the interns I will be working with in 2 weeks. One day, a first year analyst left his desk in a hurry and forgot to lock his computer. It gave some of his colleagues enough time to change his favorite settings and put in the url to the rival bank's HR website, as well as links to recruiting firms (changing intranet links etc...).

It got really awkward when the VP came up to him to ask him stuff.

 

At an old job they used to give out umbrellas with the company's logo on it to customers and employees, an obvious result being that every employee had the same umbrella.

I spent about 3 months carefully emptying the little paper circles from a 3-hold punch into my closed umbrella, the idea being that I would one day switch it with the guy next to me when he wasn't looking. He'd go outside, open the umbrella, and a bunch of annoying little paper circles will fall out. I realize this isn't that funny, but it was (more or less) harmless and we were working so much that we'd kind of lost it.

Anyway I left relatively early one night and came back the next day to see that my umbrella was gone from its usual spot next to my desk. Turns out an MD had been in the office late, needed an umbrella, and just grabbed mine since I had gone home for the day. He didn't know who I was and I didn't hear anything about it until almost a year later at the summer party when I overheard another MD making fun of him for getting paper stuck all over his suit one rainy night.

Oops.

 

We had an analyst live off his seamless budget for a week. He lost his wallet, couldn't replace his cards (banked with some shitty local bank from back home), and absolutely refused to borrow money from anyone with the exception of a metrocard.

He would order two meals with his seamless budget, stick one of them in the fridge, and eat it for lunch the next day. It wasn't that bad, but it was pretty funny watching him try and game the $25 budget to get the maximum amount of calories out of the allocation.

 

My office was two doors down from one of our more fiesty MDs. One afternoon, we hear a bunch of one-sided yelling, culminating with the MD yelling "Fuck Me? No, Fuck You!" and a phone slammed down. Everyone, VPs, MDs, everyone, steps out of their office/cube, not knowing what's going on but convinced that one of our deals just had the financing or buyer or something back out. The MD walks out of his office, saying "Damn those FedEx bastards."

 

I know the kid was sort of cocky, and was a connection hire, and I think he was trying to help with the structuring of a billion dollar arm for one of the traders and couldn't figure out some part of it and when the MD asked him to do it, he said something like i can't do that. i dont actually think he was fired but he was definitely sent home for the day.

rus parantela was the senior md. anyone who went through bear fixed over the last decade would know him. he was known as the biggest hard ass. he is now coo of Zais solutions.

 

Circling back to this once every 6 months never ceases to bring about a laugh. These are some hilarious stories!

There's a closer meaning to my user name. Try reading it quickly. Perhaps you will then understand ;P
 

Apologies if there is another thread like this for trading - please direct me if so... but I'll share this.

I was working for an Equity Option Market making firm and we had a trader who did risk arb. This was back around 2000 when you needed an actual broker on the floor to get filled on NYSE stocks otherwise the locals could just trade ahead of your order all day long. Our risk arb trader used a fairly well known floor broker on the NYSE and they had just hired a new floor clerk.

The trader calls up the broker around 9:15 and gives a bunch of orders for one of the deal stocks he was trading in pairs. Around 9:40 he calls up to get fills (or so he thinks)... it turns out the the clerk had forgotten to put his orders in....

The trader calmly says into the phone: "I'm going to come down there and FUCKING KILL YOU....and NOBODY can stop me."

To me the humor is in the last part...call the cops...call the national guard...Hell, get Batman...but NOBODY can stop me from killing you....

 

My very first job in finance was on a desk that was filled with interesting characters. That literally covered everyone, from the head to most of the juniors.

Our head of the desk had a "side project" in the city and would normally sneak out to her place for lunch. The guppies on the desk (including yours truly) got pretty adept at covering for him when his wife called and he was out. He appreciated our male (and female) solidarity until a little mishap.

One day he's running late in the morning, we assume the usual and when his wife called we told her something like "oh, we just saw him, he's gone to a risk meeting". Apparently, he drove to the train station (he lived in Summit, NJ) and managed to lock both his wallet and the keys in the car. Since this was before the era of the cell phones, he decided that the best solution is to walk a couple miles back home. Just so it happens that he knocked on door of his house about two minutes after his wife was told that he was in the risk meeting. The wife was a shrewd lady, figured it all out. Soon, she hired a private dick and he was free as a bird (and just as unburdened with assets) shortly thereafter.

The sole female trader (call her Jane) on the desk was an endless source of quotes and quips:

Clip 1: Sales: For Worst Fucking Client, Jane, where are you on 10y5y +150 payer in a 100, please? Jane: 32 @ 36 Sales: Yours, WFC sells Jane: What's the cover? Sales: This is WFC, they never give cover Jane: You know, if I am getting fucked at least I want to cuddle once it's done

Clip 2: MRD: Jane, should I quote this as a spread or leg it? Jane: Legging a spread is like spreading your legs, you know where that leads

Clip 3: Summer Intern: Jane, did you just hit that offer? Jane: no, I lifted the offer, but I am going to hit you

Clip 4: Broker (on the hoot): 5y5y in 50 Jane: mumbles something into the hoot Broker: ok, mine Jane: I did not fucking say "yours", I said "yawn"

I have a friend who lives in the country, and it's supposed to be an hour from 42nd Street. A lie! The only thing that's an hour from 42nd Street is 43rd Street!
 

Story from Undergrad days but..

So in my last semester as a senior, final few weeks so we all know how that goes. Have a professor from Asia - super smart and wealthy and married to an heir to a fashion company over there. Also super creepy always would talk about girls in class kissing and such, just an interesting bird. TA, who I had known was being funneled money by the guy to invest in a trading strategy they had developed together (hello tax evasion).

Anyway, professor has like his 20th heart attack (the school had been trying to get him to retire for sometime) and is out for the week to recover. TA had keys to his office and jokes that we should throw back a few cold one's in his memory. I had a leftover rack in the car so we end up playing beer pong on the professor's desk with the TA's girlfriend and another student. Professor had a bunch of Asian robes and shirts hanging in his office so after a couple cold ones I throw one on with a hat.

All of a sudden the door opens, it's the f'n professor and his wife coming to pick up our tests from that week (it's like Friday night at 7pm). His jaw drops and almost back hands the two of us and knocks all the beer pong cups off the desk. Wife is trying to take out her phone to record us as we all sprint out of there beer in hand still dressed in his Asian shirt and hat.

We panic. I think I'm screwed (still have two weeks of class with this guy) and need this class to walk. TA is of course fired on the spot. I show up early Monday morning before class starts (I've told all my buddies in class the story already). He looks me dead in the eyes, pauses, looks out the window. He's still clearly out of it from his medication: "Even when I tell you I hate you it means I really love you." He didn't tell a single soul. Ends up giving me a C- (I had an A- at the time) and lost out on latin honors by a point. One for the grand-kids. Miss you Professor Kim!

Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career.
 

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