Funniest Stories - The Analyst Years

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Rank: Neanderthal | 2,615

Although working as an investment banking analyst was a living hell at the time, I now look back at my years with nostalgia. Luckily, as time passes, the 100 hour weeks just blend together and the pain has gone away. Of course, I'm still irrationally uncomfortable and nervous whenever I see a red blinking light (Blackberry email) but other than that, all I remember now are the fun times. The 5am nights when you finally get the pitch books binded and shipped to the MD's house and as you're waiting for the driver to call you and confirm that he delivered it, you're joking around with your associate/VP and realize that they're actually human beings too.

However, the best parts were the office gossip and hilarious stories that were shared among the analyst class. The best stories always came from the summer interns, which made sense because 20-21 year olds know absolutely nothing about anything (including common sense).

One of my favorite stories was a summer intern who had a bad case of diarrhea. Unfortunately for him, my BB was proud of their latest technology upgrade for the entire bullpen, the wireless headset (which of course is about 10 years behind the technology of any normal corporation).

Armed with this technology, he was able to piss off an entire deal team and probably single-handedly kill a deal.

After slaving for a month on a huge sellside pitch book for the client, two MDs and a director were off to the oh-so important meeting. The associate, two analysts and the intern in question were left at home base to call in and listen in on the call/meeting.

The company was trying to sell itself and had retained our bank as the sole advisor. The CEO/CFO however, were horribly paranoid about not getting screwed over by bankers. They asked the same questions over and over in different formats and probed around every slide "How did you get those numbers? Are you really sure that's a good comp for us? Is that too much equity to use? How does it look with 100% cash?"

Anyways, this obviously turned the meeting into a 3+ hour affair. The analysts had told him that he should listen in but mute his phone and also that since he had pulled a lot of late nights, he could just go home and sleep. The intern however, didn't believe the analysts and thought he should be alert on the call just in case someone important asked him a question on the call.

After a few boring hours, the intern with his aforementioned diarrhea just couldn't take it anymore.

Hilarity ensued.

His sense of self importance prevented him from simply putting down the headset. He took it with him and kept it off mute. I don't have to provide details on the rest, but the sounds of diarrhea shitting was conveyed to the entire deal team and client (their entire management team and a bunch of lawyers/accountants too).

The hilarious thing is that no one even said anything. If you've ever been on one of these calls, you know that even if the client's inaudible, or reception is bad, or you hear the standard kid crying in the background, everyone ignores it and stays silent.

After literally about 60 seconds of pure shitting/farting sounds, the client had heard enough. Suddenly a booming voice interrupts the MD's pitch of interlopers and you hear, "WHO THE FUCK IS TAKING A SHIT?!?!?!?"

Then there was a scrambling of voices, including someone saying "can you.....*scramble* mute..*scramble* your phone*"

Then there was a long silence and the call was dropped. Apparently the client decided to continue the rest of the meeting live and shut out everyone who had dialed in.

Unfortunately, the client shortly lost his will to continue. The CEO/CFO decided to take a break and the meeting only went on for about 30 minutes longer. The MDs and VP were PISSED as they came back to the office, emailing the associate/analyst to figure out who the hell it was.

Luckily, only the analysts knew this story and though our group was well known for being a sweatshop and having a fratty culture, in the end it was still analysts vs. everyone else. No one ratted out the intern and he was able to keep his job.

However, from now on, we're not allowed to take our headsets ANYWHERE away from our desks and most summer interns are required to mute their phones on calls to clients.

I'm sure there are thousands of other stories out there, and I have a dozen or so more myself, but figured I'd get this started and everyone else can share their memorable moments in banking.

Mod Note (Andy): #TBT Throwback Thursday - this was originally posted on 12/06/12. To see all of our top content from the past, click here.

Comments (74)

Dec 6, 2012

hahahaha, +1

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Dec 6, 2012

Sounds almost unreal. The intern had to be totally daft to take the headset to the shitter. I can't even imagine how pissed the senior bankers were. Hilarious!

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Dec 6, 2012

hilarious story, thanks for sharing. encore encore

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Dec 6, 2012

so classic. amazing this is true.

Dec 6, 2012

Funniest thing I've read in my life.

Please share the dozens of other stories.

Dec 6, 2012

hahaha great story! Mine's not quite as hilarious but this happened during my summer internship at a BB. First assignment I am given.

VP: "Here is a floor plan of the 3 floors that are ours"
Me: "Uh ok..."
VP: "You need to make sure you scour every inch of every single one of these floors and mark down any stains in the carpeting on this floor plan"
Me: "You're kidding right?"
VP: "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Took me 2 hours but I walked up and down the hallways staring at the floor with a floor plan and pen in hand. Needless to say I got tons of odd looks and for a few weeks people on the other floors though I was some kind of janitor who took his job way too seriously wearing a button down and tie.

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell

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Nov 7, 2017

dont understand why ppl downvoted this, hilarious

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

May 24, 2018

Are you sure that wasn't your fraternity's VP?

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Dec 6, 2012

It doesn't matter how old you get, stories involving shit always deliver. Solid story, well, not actually solid, but you know what I mean.

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Dec 6, 2012
SirTradesaLot:

It doesn't matter how old you get, stories involving shit always deliver. Solid story, well, not actually solid, but you know what I mean.

I like your posts, sir. Keep 'em coming (as well as the stories, folks).

Dec 7, 2012
AlsatianCousin:
SirTradesaLot:

It doesn't matter how old you get, stories involving shit always deliver. Solid story, well, not actually solid, but you know what I mean.

I like your posts, sir. Keep 'em coming (as well as the stories, folks).

Thank you.

Funniest
Dec 6, 2012

One year we had this absolutely phenomenal intern - arguably the best we'd had in a few years. He was brilliant, nice, down to earth, put together, and just got shit done. He was allowed to work without analyst supervision within a few weeks of starting his internship.

Fast forward to a party 2-3 weeks before the end of the summer. Kid gets completely smashed, but then has to go back to the office. Somehow ends up getting his work done and goes home. How he did that, I still don't know.

Anyway, the next morning we smell this stench coming from the coat closet as we pass by it. Turns out that in his inebriated state he had taken a piss there the night before. Thankfully (1) he was an amazing intern (2) the group head had been forcing shots down this kid's throat and wouldn't let him say no and (3) no one was really using the coat closet given the season. He got an offer, came back, and crushed it as analyst as well. I think he's over at a hedge fund now.

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Dec 6, 2012

Awesome^

Dec 6, 2012

Jeez monkey shit for telling what I thought was a mildly amusing story...rough crowd

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell

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Dec 6, 2012
leveragealltheway:

Jeez monkey shit for telling what I thought was a mildly amusing story...rough crowd

Here is a silver banana to offset some of the poo. Some people on here are animals. Fwiw, I thought your story was slightly funnier than the coat closet story, but that had slightly better delivery. Execution is key!

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Dec 6, 2012

stories about poop and pee never get old for some reason

If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.

"There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.

Dec 6, 2012

I have some great intern stories but cant share... haha

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Dec 6, 2012
monty09:

I have some great intern stories but cant share... haha

Shitty Post. We don't care if you have stories you can't share.

Tease.

May 24, 2018

weird brag

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Dec 6, 2012

plz keep the stories coming

Dec 6, 2012

Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

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Dec 8, 2012
johnwayne7:

Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

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Dec 8, 2012
rufiolove:
johnwayne7:

Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

Hahahaha......yeah, that would be rough.

Dec 10, 2012
rufiolove:

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

Nah dawg, she taught 10 year olds and kindergartners, in addition to the remainder of the K-8 grades as the computer teacher at the Catholic semi-target (think St. Paul's, Sacred Heart, Pope John Paul) I attended.

Dec 11, 2012
rufiolove:
johnwayne7:

Not an IBD tale, but that story reminds me of a computer teacher we had at my elementary school back in the day. She was fat, old, and had a terribly unpleasant disposition that would choke the life out of any unfortunate room of kindergartners if just one student didn't do his Kidpix project correctly.

She had a procedure done on her vocal cords so she had to wear a wireless mic amped through some small speakers to "teach" because she could only talk at a whisper during her recovery (she still tried to yell at us). One day, she forgot to mute when heading to the bathroom, unknowingly leaving behind a room full of 10 year olds to hear her struggle.

She also fell down the stairs outside the middle school not once, not three times, but twice. On both occasions, assistance from the local FD down the road was requested to help her get up. Good times.

So she taught 10 year old kindergartners?

maybe it was a a group of very special 10 year olds in kindergarden lol

Jun 2, 2016
johnwayne7:

not once, not three times, but twice.

literally never heard anyone rearrange the expression like this, but for some reason I found it hilarious lol SB'd just for that

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Dec 6, 2012

Reminds me of a time...when a friend of mine sharted at the beginning of a nine mile hike.

Dec 7, 2012

Call me a skeptic, not buying it. I don't remember the last time lawyers and accountants were present at a pitch. They cost money and no one spends money on these fuckers for a pitch.

Second, I don't know what bank you worked at but I have yet to meet an MD that would go to see his client and tell him to hang on so he can open up the conference line for his shit head associate, analyst and intern to listen in.

Third, how did the shitting go on for 60 seconds without either the associate or analyst running over to the intern's phone and hanging it up? We're they under the impression that the noise was coming not from their pre-pubescent intern that just scurried off to the bathroom but rather from the CEO who decided to squat on the conference room table and evacuate his bowels all over the stack of spare pitch books?

Lastly, I don't know of this headset was beaming a signal from a satellite in orbit, but just how did this diarrhea inflicted intern get reception in the bathroom? I have a pretty nice headset and it starts cracking/dying 15 paces from my phone.

You're gonna have to do better than that.

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Best Response
Dec 7, 2012
Marcus_Halberstram:

Call me a skeptic, not buying it. I don't remember the last time lawyers and accountants were present at a pitch. They cost money and no one spends money on these fuckers for a pitch.

Second, I don't know what bank you worked at but I have yet to meet an MD that would go to see his client and tell him to hang on so he can open up the conference line for his shit head associate, analyst and intern to listen in.

Third, how did the shitting go on for 60 seconds without either the associate or analyst running over to the intern's phone and hanging it up? We're they under the impression that the noise was coming not from their pre-pubescent intern that just scurried off to the bathroom but rather from the CEO who decided to squat on the conference room table and evacuate his bowels all over the stack of spare pitch books?

Lastly, I don't know of this headset was beaming a signal from a satellite in orbit, but just how did this diarrhea inflicted intern get reception in the bathroom? I have a pretty nice headset and it starts cracking/dying 15 paces from my phone.

You're gonna have to do better than that.

1. They were inhouse accountants and counsel buddy, sorry I wasn't more clear.

2. The conference line was for everyone that couldn't make it. This part proves you are too removed from the industry. Every single pitch I've ever participated in has had a conference line open for the client's management who can't make it and want to dial in. This is as simple as it gets. The associate/analyst calling in is always standard. The associate will usually get asked the questions concerning the numbers if there are any, and he was involved in the call.

3. Because they don't know who it was? Everyone was at their respective cubicles in the bullpen listening on the call. Are you assuming the associate rounded up everyone and got a conference room? This was not the case.

4. There are 2 bathroom doors at my BB on every floor, it's extremely close to the bullpen and far away from the MD offices. Not sure if this fact will out the bank, but I've taken recruiter calls from the bathroom all the time. There is reception.

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Dec 7, 2012

Last week I was waiting for guy to call me for a phone interview and really had to go. He called me right as my business was being conducted. Picked up the phone and might have had the best phone interview to date. Might have to make it my new ritual. Who knows.

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Dec 7, 2012

One of my good friends was doing an IBD internship at a BB a few years back. Everything is going well, he gets along with the team, works his ass off and it looks like they need a junior analyst. Fast forward to the last day of his internship and the whole team goes out for a big dinner and drinks. My friend gets absolutely smashed out of his mind starts a fight with the owner of the club and gets kicked out. So, he's fuming outside and one of the analysts comes outside to see whats up. In his inebriated state he starts crossing the road and BOOM! a car runs him over. The analyst rushes over, the car drives off and my friend is sprawled on the pavement with one of his shoes lying a few meters away. He's miraculously fine- walking around, talking. The ambulance comes, they immediately pop him in and for some reason his MD insists to be inside the ambulance cabin with him. They won't let him. The MD flips his lid and starts shoving the ambulance driver- the VP his holding him back and the driver slips away and drives off.

Needless to say my friend didn't get the FT offer, was in the hospital for >1 week and had to rock a cast for a month.

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Dec 7, 2012

My story isn't from IB, but from PWM. We once had a new client who came in, and as we were getting him to fill up all the forms, one of the interns was sent to make a photocopy of the new client's passport.

10 minutes go by, he's still not back. Awkward silence in the room starts to set in and so the VP sends me to the copy room to check up on the intern.

I run there and ask the intern what's up and he's like hey man, I'm almost done. It turned out the moron was actually photocopying the whole passport (every single page) haha

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Dec 10, 2012
rajpbt:

My story isn't from IB, but from PWM. We once had a new client who came in, and as we were getting him to fill up all the forms, one of the interns was sent to make a photocopy of the new client's passport.

10 minutes go by, he's still not back. Awkward silence in the room starts to set in and so the VP sends me to the copy room to check up on the intern.

I run there and ask the intern what's up and he's like hey man, I'm almost done. It turned out the moron was actually photocopying the whole passport (every single page) haha

This was pretty funny and very believable, +1

Dec 7, 2012

I banged a fellow offeree at a celebration weekend. One of the analysts was late the next day and caught us both getting out of the same cab (we were both also late for the same event). I'm going to get so much shit for this when I start FT.

Cheers.

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Dec 8, 2012

hahaha awesome story

Dec 8, 2012

I suck at telling stories but an MD taking a client call from home did not mute his cell phone while he took a piss. That was pretty good.

Dec 10, 2012

A LONG time ago, worked in an office where the junior associate look a dump everyday, clockwork @ 9am; same bathroom, same stall, every day without fail. One day, we waited and faithfully, in he goes. We cut down a plastic garbage bag and filled with containers of frozen non-dairy topping (CoolWhip); completey sealed the outside of the men's room door with yellow CAUTION tape, sticky side facing in.
Had a canned airhorn that sounded like the fire alarm; tossed in a few firecrakers, and let 'er rip!
POW-POW-POW.......firecrackers going off like the 4th of July, bathroom door gets ripped open from the inside, he steps in the bag of semi-soft CoolWhip, splattering all over his suit, and goes face first into the sticky CAUTION tape!!!!!
It was the Sr. VP of Sales..............the junior associate, it later turns out, had started to follow the VP into the men's room and had gotten scared he might stink up the stall, so he went to another bathroom.
Needless to say, a VERY quiet & controlled sales floor that day. And to the best of my knowledge, no one ever dared attempt a 'movement' in that men's room ever again! Fear of retaliation I quess.
Sometimes, I miss those days.

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Feb 3, 2013

How'd this topic die out? Let's revive it.

Jun 11, 2013

Where are the stories, gents?

Jun 13, 2013

This one's a classic my room mate told me which I'll try on one of the interns I will be working with in 2 weeks. One day, a first year analyst left his desk in a hurry and forgot to lock his computer. It gave some of his colleagues enough time to change his favorite settings and put in the url to the rival bank's HR website, as well as links to recruiting firms (changing intranet links etc...).

It got really awkward when the VP came up to him to ask him stuff.

Jun 2, 2016

the intern that turned out to be doing porn ....shiiiiiit

Jun 2, 2016

link or it didn't happen

Jun 3, 2016
Jun 2, 2016

At an old job they used to give out umbrellas with the company's logo on it to customers and employees, an obvious result being that every employee had the same umbrella.

I spent about 3 months carefully emptying the little paper circles from a 3-hold punch into my closed umbrella, the idea being that I would one day switch it with the guy next to me when he wasn't looking. He'd go outside, open the umbrella, and a bunch of annoying little paper circles will fall out. I realize this isn't that funny, but it was (more or less) harmless and we were working so much that we'd kind of lost it.

Anyway I left relatively early one night and came back the next day to see that my umbrella was gone from its usual spot next to my desk. Turns out an MD had been in the office late, needed an umbrella, and just grabbed mine since I had gone home for the day. He didn't know who I was and I didn't hear anything about it until almost a year later at the summer party when I overheard another MD making fun of him for getting paper stuck all over his suit one rainy night.

Oops.

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Jun 2, 2016

went to a client brunch at 1030, client ordered an arnold palmer so i ordered a long island...fucking southerners.

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!

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Jun 7, 2016

We had an analyst live off his seamless budget for a week. He lost his wallet, couldn't replace his cards (banked with some shitty local bank from back home), and absolutely refused to borrow money from anyone with the exception of a metrocard.

He would order two meals with his seamless budget, stick one of them in the fridge, and eat it for lunch the next day. It wasn't that bad, but it was pretty funny watching him try and game the $25 budget to get the maximum amount of calories out of the allocation.

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Jun 23, 2016

[DELETED]

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Dec 20, 2016

My office was two doors down from one of our more fiesty MDs. One afternoon, we hear a bunch of one-sided yelling, culminating with the MD yelling "Fuck Me? No, Fuck You!" and a phone slammed down. Everyone, VPs, MDs, everyone, steps out of their office/cube, not knowing what's going on but convinced that one of our deals just had the financing or buyer or something back out. The MD walks out of his office, saying "Damn those FedEx bastards."

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Dec 20, 2016

Why was the Bear MD yelling at the first year?

Dec 20, 2016

he said "bless you" after someone sneezed

Dec 20, 2016

I know the kid was sort of cocky, and was a connection hire, and I think he was trying to help with the structuring of a billion dollar arm for one of the traders and couldn't figure out some part of it and when the MD asked him to do it, he said something like i can't do that. i dont actually think he was fired but he was definitely sent home for the day.

rus parantela was the senior md. anyone who went through bear fixed over the last decade would know him. he was known as the biggest hard ass. he is now coo of Zais solutions.

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Dec 20, 2016

I know an analyst that got torn apart for eating some tuna for lunch when an MD about 9 seats and 1 row away smelled it. haha. true story.

Dec 20, 2016

9 seats and 1 row?

Is your bank run out of Madison Square Garden?

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Dec 20, 2016

Um, no. I work on a trading floor. Those are set up in rows. With seats. It was also a slight estimation, but hopefully others got the point.

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Dec 20, 2016

U work at UBS stamford???

Dec 20, 2016

All trading floors are more or less setup like that, it doesn't necessarily indicate UBS Stamford.

Dec 20, 2016

Saw a trader choking on a rolo.

Just my 2c.

Just my 2c.

Dec 20, 2016

Wow, i'm happy to say there's only one banker in my corporate finance department who would chew someone out like that publicly.

Dec 20, 2016

i saw a trader chew out an accountant during my ms interview, and my interviewer just smiled at me and said it happens all the time.

Dec 20, 2016

MD didn't like an analyst's work, crumpled it up, and threw it as a paper ball at her.

Dec 20, 2016

I know a guy who fell asleep during work. MD caught him and sent an email to everyone in HR and the group telling them the intern was sleeping. The intern was snoring too.

Dec 20, 2016
indian-banker:

I know a guy who fell asleep during work. MD caught him and sent an email to everyone in HR and the group telling them the intern was sleeping. The intern was snoring too.

I-B...sounds puuretty familiar. I think I could take a pretty solid guess which BB you are talking about.

Nov 7, 2017

At Starbucks, almost fell out of my chair laughing. Great story!

May 24, 2018

Circling back to this once every 6 months never ceases to bring about a laugh. These are some hilarious stories!

May 25, 2018
Comment
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Jun 1, 2018
Comment

Maybe I led you to believe that this was a God given gift and not something I worked for, every single day of my life.

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Jun 4, 2018

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