In light of the popular opinion that many of those responsible for the douche-baggery that led to our financial meltdown have somehow escaped just punishment, I give you this historical anecdote. Seems it t'wasn't always this way. Once upon a time, a man could get his revenge. Yeah, I may sound like Grandpa Simpson, but bear with me.
Back in the days when steam power was cool, when mustaches were such that they could suffocate a man without warning -- you know, back before the Internet had been discovered -- justice was a little different. Men lived by a code of honor. F*** with the code, and you's had better get your trusty musket, friend, because you 'bout to get "dueled."
Duels were a pretty common form of conflict resolution back in the day, but that doesn't take away from the absurd fact that Andrew Jackson (not to be confused with famed WWE wrestler, Stonewall Jackson) -- 7th President and the very guy who tried to dissolve the National Bank -- was involved in 13 duels over his lifetime. These gunfights left him so filled with lead that it was said that he "rattled like a bag of marbles." Many of the duels were in defense of his wife's honor ... "biographer James Parton claimed that Jackson 'kept pistols in perfect condition for thirty-seven years' to use whenever someone 'dared breathe her name except in honor.'” No doubt her triflin' ways gave him reason to use them.
In 1806, Charles Dickinson, a prominent duelist and renowned marksman, went and called Jackson's wife some unflattering names and didn't 'pologize. So it was on. They met at the Red River in Kentucky. They were allowed 8 paces. It was said that Jackson knew Dickinson was such a good shot that his only chance to kill him was to forgo a speedy delivery and allow himself time to get off an accurate shot. So, after 8 paces, Jackson turned, stood tall, and CALMLY ALLOWED DICKINSON TO SHOOT HIM IN THE CHEST. He then took careful aim and pulled the trigger. His pistol didn't fire. But did he panic? Naaahh. Not Old Hickory. Jackson simply re-cocked his gun, calmly aimed, and shot the man dead.
Any questions?
Sure, the musket ball he'd been shot with lodged itself in his chest, leaving Jackson with a hacking cough and persistent pain throughout his life, but, WHAT'S A LITTLE MUSKET BALL IN THE CHEST IN PLACE OF COLD HARD JUSTICE? When asked if he regretted his decision, Jackson coolly told the inquisitor to go f himself, saying, "even if he had shot me through the brain, sir, I should still have killed him."
So, Greenspan et al, I'll see you on the steps of the capital at high noon. Hot, steaming justice will be served.
(I will be recording a
very soon.)
He is a motherfucking baller... great post
oh the good old days. with the Second Amendment grief that has been going on, I enjoyed this post and think it should be in most newspapers
Great story. What was up with Jackson's wife though? 13 duels??
^^^^dime piece or flirt ^^^
duels come with the territory
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Jackson
I'd watch what you say... you don't want to have to duel AJ in the after life
She's kind of past her prime in that drawing. Anyone who duels Greenspan gets 10 silver bananas from me.
Greenspan, or whoever has earned some millions/billions, simply won't accept a duel. Well if he does accept a duel I can do that, with even the fact I have never held a gun.
Old AJ was really into his whole marriage thing...I can only wonder how disgusted he would be with the recent threads.
For his sake I hope that wasn't the picture he woke up to every morning.
so i take it youre not into double chin/gobblers?
On her tombstone:
"She delighted in relieving the wants of her fellow-creatures,and cultivated that divine pleasure by the most liberal and unpretending methods...A being so gentle and so virtuous, slander might wound but could not dishonor." --wikipedia
Damn! I could use to some divine pleasuring over here. (if you know what I mean)
The stone carver almost got the last laugh until Jackson dueled him too. Stay ruthless, Jackson, where ever you are.
Maybe instead of Old Hickory they should have called him marble bag.
Haha. Andrew "Old Marble Sack" Jackson. That's not too far from Andrew "Old Balls" Jackson...
The man clearly had some lead cahones. But I am inclined to believe that he may have had a bit of a problem. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he shot the caps off his beer bottles. Or that his wife called him an old windbag, so he promptly dueled her to death. Tho, believe you me, I bet she looked f***ing FINE in a bonnet.
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