The douchiest things I ever said: can you top this?

bankerella's picture
Rank: Neanderthal | 2,154

Mod Note (Andy): Throwback Thursday: this was originally posted 6/11/12

There are some segments of the economy in which it takes a douchebag to drive value. (This is unfortunate, but empirically observable.) And Auntie Bankerella is worried.

See, over the years I've seen douchebaggery decline little-by-little, both on WSO and in my work life. You young monkeys currently entering the prime of your douche years are just not as douchy as we were back in the day.

I'm not saying it's your fault. Few people achieve their full potential of douchiness naturally; it's something most of us learn by emulation. Which means my generation hasn't properly schooled you guys.

Yeah, I could make excuses. The economy hasn't been douche-friendly, most of the really legendary douches who were our role models are either disgraced or in jail, yadda yadda.

But the truth is that we dropped the doucheball, and I apologize.

However, this week you're in luck. I'm feeling confessional.

During the prime of my own douchehood, I apparently found it necessary to record all the douchebag stuff I was doing and saying. I was reading through this crap recently and the first thing I thought was, "I need to build a time machine and go back and shoot myself at age 21." The second thing was, "Actually, this stuff is educational. And it would be kind of funny if I were somebody else."

So despite my desire to stop reading, erase my hard drive, tie it to a brick, and drop it in the Hudson, I have instead pulled out the statements that made me cringe the hardest. (The things I do for the next generation. Don't say I never gave you guys anything.)

Want to be a Master of the Universe? Read on. Get in touch with your inner douchebag. Break out the Vineyard Vines and clip that phone back on your belt (behind one hip at a casual angle, natch). Stand up tall and brush your shoulders off.

Then I want you guys to get out there and douche like the Dow just closed above 12,000 (or 10,000, or 2,000) for the first time. (That's 2006, 1999, and 1987: perhaps the three finest vintages of douchebag in the history of Wall Street.) Go forth and make Auntie Bankerella proud.

(Did I ever actually say this stuff? Sadly, yes. I either spoke or typed these words to friends or family at some point in my college and analyst years. Did anyone ever tell me I was a douchebag? No. Guess they didn't think they needed to.)

  • To boyfriend: "I've got twelve interviews this week. I'm sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you." (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)
  • As a regular at a trendy restaurant: "No octopus carpaccio? Again? This is the third time, Jared."
  • At the gym, ten seconds into a call from a friend: "By the way, it's nothing personal, but I don't get off the elliptical for anybody."
  • Standard douchy conversation-opener at bars and parties: "So what do you do?"
  • On the way to work, speaking to Japanese tourists taking pictures of her and saying Waaru-Sutreeto ga...: "Jesus Christ, people. Wall Street is in the OTHER DIRECTION. Wakarimasu ka? Go downtown and take pictures of the guys from Goldman Sachs and get in their way, mmkay?"
  • On politics: "Greenspan for President!"
  • "All I want for Christmas is a black leather holster for my Bluetooth earpiece."
  • "I'm not taking advice from anyone who keeps stuffed animals on her desk."
  • "I went into a regular supermarket yesterday. I saw peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Biscuits in a can. Frozen food in little paper trays. How shitty does your life have to be?" (FYI, I now purchase all three of these products.)
  • To teammate at 3 AM: "There ain't no "Guide to Being a Happy and Virtuous Investment Banker." You get through the next two years, you can write that book yourself. I'll buy ten copies. Until then, I'm gonna be down on 14 showing my cleavage to Manuel and Jorge [in the print shop] so we can get out of here before the sun comes up."
  • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: "Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business."

HTH. Anybody got any others they can add?

Comments (145)

Jun 11, 2012

You must be a nightmare to date...

    • 3
Jun 11, 2012

.

GBS

Jun 11, 2012

that is douchey? hahahaha

"targets" are not douchey, you guys try to be. It is so funny, growing up all my brothers target friends hated me and my friends (especially when we were down the beach) because we were complete assholes to them. As in they called the police on the house assholes, but we got away with it.

Get off this forum "bankerella", this isn't a funny post at all. In fact it makes you look like a complete poser.

Whats the matter? Scared of my little red fuzzy anus? Don't be shy,let me show you the way, give me your hand and I will take you to paradise <3

Kind Regards,

ElmElm

    • 3
Jun 11, 2012

Is that it?

Jun 11, 2012

o god, not her again

Jun 11, 2012

i don't understand the hate. i like this chick.

Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

    • 1
Jun 11, 2012

^hahaha, word for word the comment i deleted b4

GBS

Jun 11, 2012

If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

    • 2
Jun 11, 2012
Oreos:

If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

word... she's kind of like a female Tucker Max.

Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

Jun 11, 2012
Oreos:

If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

That GSelevator shit is fucking annoying. So count me out.

Jun 17, 2012
Oreos:

If a guy had come on, said about all the GSelevator esq things he had come out with, you guys would be loving it....

This.

Today I said to a friend telling me I was bitching too much on waiters: "As if you and I didn't have to work our asses off"
(BTW, brings up the issue if you expect people in general to be as efficient and hard working as you are expected to be)

Aug 7, 2014

yep!

Jun 11, 2012

I turn my back for a couple weeks and this is what happens?

    • 1
Jun 11, 2012

I was more of an ass than this when I was in middle school.
Yous soft.

May 2, 2018

totes. I'm not impressed

Jun 11, 2012
bankerella:
  • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: "Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business."

EPIC.

Fuck all you losers. +1

    • 1
Jun 11, 2012
Edmundo Braverman:
bankerella:
  • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: "Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business."

EPIC.

Fuck all you losers. +1

Agreed. I might have to use this little gem myself.

Jun 11, 2012
labanker:
Edmundo Braverman:
bankerella:
  • E-mail in response to alumni fundraiser: "Of course [School] has my gratitude. It also has my quarter-million dollars. I feel this concludes our business."

EPIC.

Fuck all you losers. +1

Agreed. I might have to use this little gem myself.

I second this comment.
This is about the only one that I felt like is actually douchey and/or funny.

Jun 11, 2012

This doesn't make up for your relationship with your father.

    • 3
Jun 11, 2012
wannabeaballer:

This doesn't make up for your relationship with your father.

lmfao!

Jun 12, 2012
wannabeaballer:

This doesn't make up for your relationship with your father.

LOLOL came here to post something similar. Bravo

Jun 11, 2012

awww,,, I can tell that you need a hug from your papa and mama.
Insecure dogs (bitches) bark a lot

Jun 11, 2012
J_monkey:

awww,,, I can tell that you need a hug from your papa and mama.
Insecure dogs (bitches) bark a lot

And what, dear sir, are you doing right there?

BTW, loved the post.

Nothing can stop me.

Jun 11, 2012

These are poor on the whole. Standout is "This is the third time, Jared." The Asians & Wall Street one is contrived. Most of the others are more try-hard (as opposed to actually) douchey.

Also - Vineyard Vines? What is this, 10th grade? Call me when you know what you're talking about.

May 2, 2018

Indeed

Jun 11, 2012

These are not douchey. Some are dumb, some are annoying, some are totally normal.

    • 1
Jun 11, 2012
prospie:

These are not douchey. Some are dumb, some are annoying, some are totally normal.

So true. Can an old school analyst write something about the hay days? I got my hopes up for this post and this was just plain sad.

    • 1
    • 1
Jun 11, 2012

this post had so much hope until the underwhelming anecdotes... classic example of man vs. woman... the actual douchiest thing you did is either A) roll your eyes at guys who approached you (assuming you're hot) or B) acted like you're uninterested in men as a race (assuming you're not)

in summary - the things you think were douchy aren't, and the things you unknowingly did are

    • 1
Jun 11, 2012

... i actually don't consider myself a douche, but here's the douchiest thing i REGULARLY say:

to a stranger on the bus / airplane / in the checkout line / grabbing my credit card out of my hand with unnecessary contact: "Why are you touching me right now?"

    • 1
Best Response
Jun 11, 2012

All your responses to bankerella's post so clearly illustrate the point she's making. I'd like to put a finer point on it though - it's the transition from the "high class elitist douche" of the boomer years, ensconced in a life of luxury and oblivious to everything else, to today "low class douche", who says things like "i can picture this chick wearing a strap-on just so she can suck her own dick..." on an anonymous internet forum, and actively goes out of his way to toss insults around, and bolstering his own misguided sense of
cool with each one.

The true art of elitism has been lost - it's not about making sure everyone knows how special you are, it's about living your life in a way that removes all doubt. To truly be elitist you have to actually be elite, not just constantly run your mouth about "models and bottles".

    • 5
Jun 11, 2012
CaptK:

All your responses to bankerella's post so clearly illustrate the point she's making. I'd like to put a finer point on it though - it's the transition from the "high class elitist douche" of the boomer years, ensconced in a life of luxury and oblivious to everything else, to today "low class douche", who says things like "i can picture this chick wearing a strap-on just so she can suck her own dick..." on an anonymous internet forum, and actively goes out of his way to toss insults around, and bolstering his own misguided sense of
cool with each one.

The true art of elitism has been lost - it's not about making sure everyone knows how special you are, it's about living your life in a way that removes all doubt. To truly be elitist you have to actually be elite, not just constantly run your mouth about "models and bottles".

the "art" of elitism...

if serious, you're up your own ass higher than OP.

Jun 23, 2012
CaptK:

All your responses to bankerella's post so clearly illustrate the point she's making. I'd like to put a finer point on it though - it's the transition from the "high class elitist douche" of the boomer years, ensconced in a life of luxury and oblivious to everything else, to today "low class douche", who says things like "i can picture this chick wearing a strap-on just so she can suck her own dick..." on an anonymous internet forum, and actively goes out of his way to toss insults around, and bolstering his own misguided sense of
cool with each one.

The true art of elitism has been lost - it's not about making sure everyone knows how special you are, it's about living your life in a way that removes all doubt. To truly be elitist you have to actually be elite, not just constantly run your mouth about "models and bottles".

To your comment, I say yay. As in the "I am wearing an english wig yay", not "the 15 yr old first date yay."

Good on you, Sir.

Jul 10, 2012

.

Jun 11, 2012

OP i know this is crazy
but, I pm'd you my number
so call me maybe

    • 2
Jun 11, 2012
blastoise:

OP i know this is crazy
but, I pm'd you my number
so call me maybe

lulz

Jun 11, 2012

never mind bc i don't wanna get le ban

Jun 11, 2012

4 real we can both lose our virgnity op

    • 3
Jun 11, 2012
blastoise:

4 real we can both lose our virgnity op

~15% of troll posts make me lol.... this was one

GBS

Jun 11, 2012

^^^ I don't doubt that 1 of you could...

Jun 11, 2012

Would smash

Jun 11, 2012

Can we get married

Jun 11, 2012
bankerella:
  • To boyfriend: "I've got twelve interviews this week. I'm sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you." (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

Jun 11, 2012
DrizzyDrake:
bankerella:
  • To boyfriend: "I've got twelve interviews this week. I'm sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you." (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

These are the dudes we should avoid being bros with.

Jun 11, 2012
FinancialNoviceII:
DrizzyDrake:
bankerella:
  • To boyfriend: "I've got twelve interviews this week. I'm sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you." (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

These are the dudes we should avoid being bros with.

Lol I'm just saying most guys don't want their girlfriends to be pretentious bitches but to each his own. There are plenty of these type of women out there for you. Take care.

Jun 11, 2012
DrizzyDrake:
bankerella:
  • To boyfriend: "I've got twelve interviews this week. I'm sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you." (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

Actually... i don't find this douchey at all, rather it's pretty sound advice. Young people who prioritize their gf/bf over their career are straight retarded. Don't let the some needy attention-seeking bitch/dick get in the way of moving up in life... especially when you're just starting your career.

Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

    • 1
Jun 11, 2012
sayandarula:
DrizzyDrake:
bankerella:
  • To boyfriend: "I've got twelve interviews this week. I'm sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you." (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

Actually... i don't find this douchey at all, rather it's pretty sound advice. Young people who prioritize their gf/bf over their career are straight retarded. Don't let the some needy attention-seeking bitch/dick get in the way of moving up in life... especially when you're just starting your career.

Agree. However, there is a difference between being or seeming needy and actually giving a shit. Not being able to find some time for your loved ones is a sure fire way to end up alone with a solid career. I never understood the people in relationships, yet never seem to find time for those people. Find a fuck buddy instead.

Jun 11, 2012
DrizzyDrake:
bankerella:
  • To boyfriend: "I've got twelve interviews this week. I'm sorry, but eleven of them are higher-priority than you." (Surprisingly, boyfriend did not dump me.)

These are the girls you should avoid, boys.

Couldn't agree more.

Jun 11, 2012

would let you treat me like shit just to see the "girls" at 3AM!

Jun 11, 2012

I'm having a hard time remembering the douchiest thing I ever said. Guess this means I'm either not a douche OR am one but just don't know it?

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

Jun 11, 2012

Hahaha! Thanks for the laughs this morning.

Jun 11, 2012

This thread made me lol. Side note: I think it was clever of DrizzyDrake to say "Take care"

Jun 11, 2012

You've come a long way since your graduation from the University of Houston.

Jun 11, 2012

i guess you had to be there

Jun 12, 2012

Age 23, to a group of non-finance 23 year olds re: BMW racing school "It's really not that bad, just like a few grand for the weekend"

Jun 12, 2012

Jun 12, 2012

captk I thought true elitists are misers. I knew a rich dude who always counted pennies. This guy would rather get a free one from the fella sitting next to him at a dive bar than buy one for himself if he could sweet talk his way into it. Never met such a sick fella in my entire life.

    • 1
Jun 12, 2012

Funny, well written OP. I get my dousche fix by going to WSO fashion forum posts circa 2007.

Jun 12, 2012

I am doubting bankerella is a chick. I am calling Bullshit on this post and bankerella in general!

Eventus stultorum magister.

    • 1
Jun 12, 2012

As a rich north shore kid in Chicago:

"Half the kids in Gurnee work at Six Flags...
...the other half work at Gurnee Mills."

As an adult:

"Hey, can you help me push my rusty honda up the hill? I'm trying to get it back to Gurnee, IL"

    • 1
Jun 12, 2012

Yea I suddenly am thinking about batting for the other team after hearing how big of a bitch bankerella is

Johnny Ringo...wanna hook up?

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

    • 1
Jun 18, 2012
DeanPortman:

Yea I suddenly am thinking about batting for the other team after hearing how big of a bitch bankerella is

Johnny Ringo...wanna hook up?

No

Eventus stultorum magister.

Jun 18, 2012
Johnny Ringo:
DeanPortman:

Yea I suddenly am thinking about batting for the other team after hearing how big of a bitch bankerella is

Johnny Ringo...wanna hook up?

No

that word has never stopped me before

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

Jun 12, 2012

Bish slap yozelf..

Jun 12, 2012

To a girl at a professional event who spent the better part of an hour telling me about the dozens of companies she's worked for as if I cared, "Sounds like you've been around the block."

During one of my bouts of belligerent jackassery at another school's conference (this one I'm not proud of), I had had one too many gin and tonics at the evening reception and went up to a girl who had spent the better part of the day showing off her engagement ring to the whole conference and asked her whether her fiance picked it out of a crackerjack box.

Jun 14, 2012
down on the upside:

To a girl at a professional event who spent the better part of an hour telling me about the dozens of companies she's worked for as if I cared, "Sounds like you've been around the block.

That there's some good douching. Love it.

Jun 12, 2012

I didn't find much of this douchey. I found myself agreeing as I read some of the comments.

Jun 12, 2012

Stopped reading and went straight to the comments at "boyfriend"

Jun 12, 2012

Does it take you more time to put the makeup on or take it off?

Jun 14, 2012

Recently I responded to "what fraction of new cars sold cost under 30k" with "0% of the ones you'd want to drive".

Jun 14, 2012

I've done and said worse things than that. That was a good read though. I like it.

Jun 15, 2012
Flake:

I've done and said worse things than that. That was a good read though. I like it.

Flake, you can't just leave us hanging like that.

I showed you mine, now you show me yours.

Jun 16, 2012
bankerella:
Flake:

I've done and said worse things than that. That was a good read though. I like it.

Flake, you can't just leave us hanging like that.

I showed you mine, now you show me yours.

It's so bad that I'm afraid of sharing it on an anonymous forum...because someone may recognize me. Rain check though...

Jun 15, 2012

Cleavage gets you promotion ?

Jun 16, 2012
energyanalyst:

Cleavage gets you promotion ?

I honestly don't think cleavage is much help in getting you promoted. All I said is that it seemed to help my stuff get through the print shop faster.

It makes sense from the point of view of the print shop guys. They're hardworking dudes doing a crap job from 8 PM till 4 AM. A lot of new analysts treat them poorly since shit rolls downhill and the print shop is one of the few areas of the bank that is downhill of a first-year analyst. But say a chick is easy on the eyes and treats them like human beings, occasionally stops by just to pass the time of day, ask about the family, et cetera. Sometimes they have the ability to make her life a little easier.

So I'm not really saying the sole reason they printed my stuff faster was cleavage. But irregardless (I love that word), Manuel and Jorge had my back and I loved them for it.

And I got no apologies for anybody about it. Being a chick gives you a thousand headwinds and maybe 2-3 tailwinds (which largely go away as we age). I don't intend to start a throwdown over who's got it harder and which advantages are ethical to exploit, so let's just say that we all use what we have in order to get along.

Jun 16, 2012
bankerella:

irregardless (I love that word)

I hate that word.

Nothing can stop me.

Jun 18, 2012
bankerella:
energyanalyst:

Cleavage gets you promotion ?

But say a chick is easy on the eyes and treats them like human beings, occasionally stops by just to pass the time of day, ask about the family, et cetera.

Are you easy on the eyes though?

Jun 15, 2012

wow OP you're such a badass!

Jun 15, 2012

The douchiest thing I ever did was flex on girls when I worked as a waiter.

I would literally walk up to a female co-worker as she was putting in an order or making drinks, shove my flexed bicep in her face, and obnoxiously say "Ooooh yeah, you just got flexed on!" in a Macho-Man Randy Savage voice. It wasn't always the bicep, it could also be the tricep or rear delt. Once I flexed on a chick with my quad.

"Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes."

Jun 16, 2012
TEX:

The douchiest thing I ever did was flex on girls when I worked as a waiter.

I would literally walk up to a female co-worker as she was putting in an order or making drinks, shove my flexed bicep in her face, and obnoxiously say "Ooooh yeah, you just got flexed on!" in a Macho-Man Randy Savage voice. It wasn't always the bicep, it could also be the tricep or rear delt. Once I flexed on a chick with my quad.

That's pretty douchy, but depending on how you play it and how clear you make it that you're actually not a true douchebag, it could be a funny/hot way to put yourself out there and see how they like you. (You probably know that waitress chicks are not the hardest lays if you already work with them.)

Jun 16, 2012
bankerella:

(You probably know that waitress chicks are not the hardest lays if you already work with them.)

Waitresses are promiscuous?

    • 1
Jun 16, 2012
bankerella:
TEX:

The douchiest thing I ever did was flex on girls when I worked as a waiter.

I would literally walk up to a female co-worker as she was putting in an order or making drinks, shove my flexed bicep in her face, and obnoxiously say "Ooooh yeah, you just got flexed on!" in a Macho-Man Randy Savage voice. It wasn't always the bicep, it could also be the tricep or rear delt. Once I flexed on a chick with my quad.

That's pretty douchy, but depending on how you play it and how clear you make it that you're actually not a true douchebag, it could be a funny/hot way to put yourself out there and see how they like you. (You probably know that waitress chicks are not the hardest lays if you already work with them.)

Very true on all counts. The line between douche and confident/fun guy is very thin. I'd like to think I played it pretty well with most chicks, but I know there were a handful of waitresses who thought I was a huge douche. But really I just wanted an excuse to use my Macho Man Randy Savage voice and the In Your Face Flex was the best means of doing so.

"Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes."

Jun 16, 2012

Girl at the bar asks me to buy her I drink. I say it depends on what it is, she says, Vodka and 7.
I respond: (In snoop voice) I treat a bitch like 7-up, I never have I never will.

Harvey Specter doesn't get cotton mouth.

Jun 18, 2012

S, is that you? If so, please stop dicking around on WSO. I would like to see Brian's changes on my desk before I see another post out of you. Also, you are rapidly sliding from "juvenile" territory into "creepy". Pls. fix. Thanks!

Jun 19, 2012

Oh bankerella, I want to be just like you when I grow up. Can dreams really come true? JK, no such things as dreams in investment banking, just ask Stephen Ridley...

But really, sister has her priorities straight. Dough before Bro? (idk whatever...I tried)

Jun 19, 2012

i was a douche (analyst in 2006-08):

  • in 2006 to father: "in a few years i'll be making more than you"
  • "yeah i smell like cigarettes and strawberries... was at strip club until 5. legs and eggs."
  • to girl - "sometimes i like to take risks... like when i raw dog you"
  • "i'm a white male... MD material, baby."
  • i stopped hooking up with a girl... and completely stopped calling her in the week of her birthday (after 3+ months of dating) because i didn't feel like spending money on a birthday dinner... nevermind even thinking about a birthday gift. then i got a new job and by the time we spoke next (~3 weeks later, i told her i was "making changes in my life"... as in new job, new city... and oh yeah, not seeing you). she pretty much already knew i was not going to see her i think.

idk those are the first ones that come to mind. certainly have others that i bet my old co-workers would recall. pretty much everything i said or did was disrespectful and/or douchey in that gratefully browned-out time period.

Jun 19, 2012
psmoore0:

- in 2006 to father: "in a few years i'll be making more than you"

I said the same thing! Thanks for sharing! I don't feel so bad as I'm not the only one.

Jun 19, 2012
KeepCalm:
psmoore0:

- in 2006 to father: "in a few years i'll be making more than you"

I said the same thing! Thanks for sharing! I don't feel so bad as I'm not the only one.

You should feel bad. Who says that to the parents that reared them? Without them you'd be nowhere. It shows that some people in banking still need to grow up...but then again some never do. And thus, remain eternally douches.

    • 2
Jun 20, 2012

does "no means yes in my book" count as douchy?

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

Jun 20, 2012

A lot of you new WSO members are real tools.

    • 2
Jun 21, 2012
FinancialNoviceII:

A lot of you new WSO members are real tools.

Hey! We learn from the bests here!

    • 1
Jun 23, 2012
FinancialNoviceII:

A lot of you new WSO members are real tools.

Not me though, right?

Jun 20, 2012

Its all usually just lack of perspective, empathy or character. I just prefer to be quiet and patient, man trifft sich immer zweimal im leben :).

Valor is of no service, chance rules all, and the bravest often fall by the hands of cowards. - Tacitus

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!

Jun 23, 2012

From "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Banker," a trader to a back office guy:

"I make the money; you just count it."

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

Jun 23, 2012

I broke up with a girl like a few days after watching American Psycho with her because she "didn't get it"

-Douche

Jun 23, 2012

The new breed just doesn't know how to carry out elitism anymore, and it depresses me. The people who actually were like the stories on LeveragedSellout are long gone, replaced with the guys who talk about dick-sucking and spend their weekends in Union Square playing "Ultimate" and drinking Jager with a bunch of dudes in their Chinatown studios.

Jun 23, 2012
BlackHat:

The new breed just doesn't know how to carry out elitism anymore, and it depresses me. The people who actually were like the stories on LeveragedSellout are long gone, replaced with the guys who talk about dick-sucking and spend their weekends in Union Square playing "Ultimate" and drinking Jager with a bunch of dudes in their Chinatown studios.

Sounds like a Gordon Gekko-ism, a la "Not bad for a city college boy. Now I've got all these Harvard MBA types sucking my kneecaps."

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

Jun 23, 2012
In The Flesh:
BlackHat:

The new breed just doesn't know how to carry out elitism anymore, and it depresses me. The people who actually were like the stories on LeveragedSellout are long gone, replaced with the guys who talk about dick-sucking and spend their weekends in Union Square playing "Ultimate" and drinking Jager with a bunch of dudes in their Chinatown studios.

Sounds like a Gordon Gekko-ism, a la "Not bad for a city college boy. Now I've got all these Harvard MBA types sucking my kneecaps."

Hearing that line gets me all hot and bothered

Aug 21, 2013

one time this homeless guy asked my friend hey man do you have any change please? and my friend scream N%[email protected] STOP BEGGING!!

lol well hes a friend of a friend of a friend.. i think when guys usually want to be a d bag they will usually get physical.

Aug 7, 2014

Bankarella, people are hating but I think you're great. Keep up the good work and please remember to vote for Marco Rubio in 2017. Mercy Madame Tampico

TY

Aug 7, 2014

I found this thread interesting for the monkeys who've come and gone over the last two years

Aug 7, 2014

Once a rather unattractive girl was trying to strike up a conversation with me and a group of buddies. We were having an intense conversation, and she wasn't taking the hint. She asks, what are you doing in the city? Interning. How long have you been here? Couple months. What is your internship? Finance. I turn around and resume conversation.

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face."

Aug 7, 2014

While on a date, against my better judgment after getting into a (minor) political discussion:

Me: You think because we disagree on the indoor smoking policy, we're incompatible?

She: I have my other reasons.

Me: Are they any less stupid?

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

    • 2
Aug 7, 2014

amazing

Aug 7, 2014

This saved the thread.

Aug 7, 2014

Thanks, Paul. Be on the lookout for well-dressed, mad axemen.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

Aug 10, 2014
In The Flesh:

While on a date, against my better judgment after getting into a (minor) political discussion:

Me: You think because we disagree on the indoor smoking policy, we're incompatible?

She: I have my other reasons.

Me: Are they any less stupid?

I legit lol'd. I also miss Bankerella.

Aug 7, 2014

My expectations were so high then it felt like a massive disappointment.
Your stuff is just annoying and weird at best.
You probably did far worse stuff without realizing.

Aug 7, 2014

Some recent ones:

By the pool;
Chick: Are my ears getting red?
Douche: Yea they stick out pretty far.
At the bar;
Douche: Hey I think there has been a little mix up, i reserved this table earlier and you seem to have given it away
Chick: WTF does it look like i Fing work here!
Douche: You are dressed rather similar to the hostess...
At the grocery store;
Bro: Sweet chicken legs on sale
Douche: (look of disgust) Ugh fuck that, meat on sale, poverty
Another bar;
Douche:What lost to that?
Chick: ahah what?
Douche: In your closet getting ready, what came in second to this?

Kind of frightening all laid out...

Aug 8, 2014

To all you bitch ass monkeyz - nothing can beat this

"In one post, he published a picture of his young son using Singaporean public transport, along with the caption: "Daddy, where is your car and who are all these poor people?"

He also posted a picture of his son sitting inside a silver Porsche and added: "Ahhhhhhhhh, reunited with my baby. Normal service can resume, once I have washed the stench of public transport off me FFS!""

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jan/23/banke...

Aug 8, 2014

Is being a dickhead cool? Or is everything here said tongue-in-cheek?

Aug 10, 2014
GMG:

Is being a dickhead cool? Or is everything here said tongue-in-cheek?

Ironically, we do enjoy calling out and being called monkeys because monkeys cool and they're what we think about most of the time.

Matrick:

[in reply to Tony Snark"]

Why aren't you blogging for WSO and become the date doctor for WSO? There seems to be demand.

BatMasterson:

[in reply to Tony Snark's dating tip]

Sensible advice.

Aug 10, 2014
bankerella:

Standard douchy conversation-opener at bars and parties: "So what do you do?"

This is a fun one to respond with trolling answers.

Matrick:

[in reply to Tony Snark"]

Why aren't you blogging for WSO and become the date doctor for WSO? There seems to be demand.

BatMasterson:

[in reply to Tony Snark's dating tip]

Sensible advice.

Aug 11, 2014

Not my finest moment, that.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

Aug 11, 2014

Hard to top this crew:

Aug 11, 2014
Edmundo Braverman:

Hard to top this crew:

Wouldn't be surprised if Richie was fired for that shit

Aug 11, 2014

Damn Edmundo whatever you linked got blocked by our filter: This Websense category is filtered: Sex. I guess time will tell if I get gassed for that or not.

Aug 11, 2014

And I didn't click it either, it was just the embed portion that got filtered.

Aug 11, 2014

Wow, that's pretty toxic. Video is hosted on some shady site because it keeps getting pulled off of YouTube. These guys clearly don't want to be reminded of how douchetacular they were back in the day.

Aug 11, 2014

I forgot how brutal that video was. But none of those lines will top: "The guy in the $4000 suit will hold the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in 3 months. COME ON!"

    • 1
Aug 11, 2014
GoodBread:

I forgot how brutal that video was. But none of those lines will top: "The guy in the $4000 suit will hold the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in 3 months. COME ON!"

classic arrested development quote. very nice.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves. - Abraham Lincoln

Aug 11, 2014
Financier4Hire:

TMF (Total Frat Move)

Have yet to meet a single person in my fraternity, or my entire UG's greek life, who throws this term around in a non sarcastic manner.

Aug 11, 2014

Are these videos sarcastic? I don't get it. Did these lispy kids really get someone to film them living their mediocre lives in their ill-fitting clothing?

Aug 11, 2014
Little Engine Would:

Are these videos sarcastic? I don't get it. Did these lispy kids really get someone to film them living their mediocre lives in their ill-fitting clothing?

LOL. Welcome to 2006, when even the back office mongoloids got bottle service.

May 2, 2018

None of these are really that douchey...

May 2, 2018

is that true?

May 2, 2018
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May 2, 2018
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May 2, 2018

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