The Thirteen Demands

With yesterday's tragic passing of Steve Jobs and the general negativity trend in anything remotely Wall Street related, I thought we might have a little creative, fun time of our own today...

First of all, a big thanks to Primetime7 for posting the following "demands" from our hipster friends vacationing on Wall Street the past few weeks. Second, let's have our selves a contest to see who can come up with the best responses. If we come up with something nice, I will go ahead and email them the results. Have fun and let me begin the game...

occupy wall street:

Demand one: Restoration of the living wage. This demand can only be met by ending "Freetrade" by re-imposing trade tariffs on all imported goods entering the American market to level the playing field for domestic family farming and domestic manufacturing as most nations that are dumping cheap products onto the American market have radical wage and environmental regulation advantages. Another policy that must be instituted is raise the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hr.

In other words, you want a time machine and a return to late medieval policy. Are you happy to also accept the beheadings which were then a standard part of disagreeing with your government? Twenty dollars and hour sounds good, I will take a diamond encrusted, light pole length laser blasting schlong. Is that an acceptable form of "fair trade"?

Demand two: Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. To do this all private insurers must be banned from the healthcare market as their only effect on the health of patients is to take money away from doctors, nurses and hospitals preventing them from doing their jobs and hand that money to wall st. investors.

So the seventeen gang bangers who got treated for free and their combined eighty nine friends and family who ate free hospital food when I was rushed to the emergency room last year are really trolling for Wall Street? You are right let us ban private insurers, after all, now that we are all making $20/hr. we can all afford to pay $13 of it to fund a government run system.

Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.

Guaranteed Roseanne Barr knob clean for every man with syphilis and free good looking pussy for all ugly, stupid, fat, incompetent creatures with a dick. After all, if I don't need to work to live, why should I have to attract a woman to get her pussy, why should I have to even be a man? You are telling me my German Shepherd shouldn't have a crack at Natalie Portman. That is plain racist. We were an equal opportunity bunch on Wall Street before you people showed up

Demand four: Free college education.

Why not combine #3 and #4 into one big= get paid regardless of what useless, unproductive, producer wage garnishing subject I choose to peruse while taking breaks from hitting the bong and attending Marxist rallies.

Demand five: Begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand.

Fast track? Like "click my heels three times" fast track? Why don't you take each of those 700 douche bags that got arrested last weekend, take two hours worth of their guaranteed $20/hr living wage, send the 700*40=$28K over to me and I will take my diamond dick to fuck the fuel out of all the fossils endangering our happy kingdom. See, shitburgs? Even in your deluded fantasy, you still need capitalism to make shit happen!

Demand six: One trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and Electrical Grid) spending now.

Pitch book please...

Demand seven: One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America's nuclear power plants.

At this point I feel we need a tally, simply so we don't all drown in the sea of change. Up until this point, you basically want some of the most important industries and policies that hundreds of millions of people depend upon destroyed, so that you can have an allowance that will allow you to live in Williamsburg and smoke the good shit all day while attending the Stenciling Hemp International Technical Institute. About right?

Demand eight: Racial and gender equal rights amendment.

Does this mean all transsexuals can now sue for being victims of the bamboo ceiling?

Demand nine: Open borders migration. anyone can travel anywhere to work and live.

Border's closed down last month, I understand this is difficult for you, but your skills as a barista are highly transferable to other industries. Migration is encouraged.

Demand ten: Bring American elections up to international standards of a paper ballot precinct counted and recounted in front of an independent and party observers system.

Ah, yes. But which one of these "international standard bearers" did you mean, specifically?

Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Angola, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Bahrain, Belarus, Benin, Bhutan, Bosnia, Botswana, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burma, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon...

Wait...haven't even gotten to the "Ds" and now I get what you want. Access granted.


Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the "Books." World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the "Books." And I don't mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.

I like Fight Club too. Where is my mind...where is my mind...wheeere is myyy mind. Oh what the guys deserve a video.

Demand twelve: Outlaw all credit reporting agencies.

But how will your dealer know if it safe to "front you some work" if he can't project prepayments and depreciation?

Demand thirteen: Allow all workers to sign a ballot at any time during a union organizing campaign or at any time that represents their yeah or nay to having a union represent them in collective bargaining or to form a union.

But with Border's reopened and you making $20/hr to pour my coffee while struggling hard to be ironic in this white man's world, (even though you are most likely a white man) who needs a union?

Love what you are doing, keep up the good "work"

Your comrade,