Interview: Tell me a joke
What if you were asked for a joke during a superday? Any interesting and clean jokes you can share?
(Please also add some brief explanation. I'm an international student and have some trouble making sense of Western jokes, even if I know the meaning of all the words.)
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
It depends how hard you throw them.
cringe.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh...I doubt the interviewer will though lmao.
So glad this is the first post. I will never forget the one I heard on workaholics.
"Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand?"
"I don't eat sand"
Why are you in the office?
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
love these cheesy jokes. you’re hired
What does it mean?
An illegally parked car is towed. An illegally parked frog is toad. That's the joke, it's a play on the word toad to mean towed.
.
The other interviewees
I had a buddy use this one in an interview:
A Pirate walks in a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender notices something peculiar about the pirate and can't hold in his curiosity.
"Hey buddy", the bartender says. "Why is there a wheel sticking out the front of your pants?"
"Yarr", the pirate replies. "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts".
What's the difference between a hospital and a terrorist training camp?
Dont ask me, I just fly the drone!
Too controversial for an interview?
You must be retarded.
Funny. And too controversial yes.
A stupid one but works.
Knock knock
Who’s there
Ach
Ach who?
Bless you
"Whats the difference between beer nuts and a deer's nuts?"
"One will cost over a dollar, the other is just under a buck."
________________________
"Whats the difference between a juicy steak and a meteorite?"
"One is pretty meaty, the other is a little meteor."
________________________
"Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?"
"One is pretty heavy, the other is a little lighter."
Also another one that is most likely not interview friendly but I saw a while back and thought it was funny:
"What do you call a child born of incest?"
"Gross domestic product."
One other really long one that I like a lot but probably isn't great for interviews, since we're tellin jokes. Heard this one from my dads friend pretty recently, got a laugh outta me:
One afternoon, an old man is sitting on his porch. As he looks out into the road, he sees a younger fellow walking by draging a something in the dirt behind him. The old guys says "Hey sonny, whats that?" and the young man responds "chickenwire." "Why do you have all that chickenwire", the old man asks, to which the younger gent says "I'm going to catch me some chickens!" Now the old man laughs and says "You aint catching no chickens with chicken wire!" But to his surprise, that evening, the young man walked by with a bunch of chickens caught in his heap of chickenwire.
The next afternoon, the young man walks by again dragging something different. "Whatcha got there?" the old guy asks. "Duct tape" says the young man. "Why you got all that duct tape?" the old man asks. The young man responds "Im gonna catch me some ducks!" The old man laughs again, and says "You aint catching no ducks with duct tape!" But sure enough, the young man walks by later with a bunch of ducks wrapped in the duct tape.
On the third afternoon, the old man is sitting on his porch and once again sees the young man dragging something behind him. "What you got there?" he asks, and the young man replies "Pussy willows." The old man says "Wait up son, let me get my hat."
How have these jokes not got more SBs? They're great!
Guy walks into a bar with a golden retriever. Takes a seat when the bartender leans over and says "Buddy, we dont allow dogs in here."
Guy, obviously half in the bag, gurgles, "...but you dont understand, Goldie here is a TALKING dog!" Bartender says, "Fine. prove it to me!"
"Goldie", the man slurred, "whats on top of this building?"
Goldie responds, "Roof" (must be said in a dog voice)
The bartender looks warily at the man as the man then asks "Goldie, who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Goldie responds "Ruth" (again in a dog voice.
Later, the man wakes up in the gutter outside the bar next to Goldie after he has been thrown out.
Goldie looks over at the man and asks, "should i have said Dimaggio?""
This one is a hit or miss. From Reddit
When do the coronavirus symptoms kick in? Right off the bat.
Maybe this would be better if it were actually true...
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. Then all of a sudden he picks his dog up and starts whirling the dog over his head around and around. The Bartender says "Man what THE HELL you doing?" The blind man says "Oh nothing just looking around."
A classic:
Micky in in the middle of a nasty divorce with Minnie...
...and he finds himself in front of the judge. “I’m sorry, Mickey,” the judge says, “I can’t legally grant you a separation just because you claim that Minnie is mentally insane.” “I didn’t say she was mentally insane,” Mickey replied. “I said she was fucking Goofy.”
This is great lol
Underrated joke...god damn haha
Underrated joke...god damn haha
A father was washing his car with his son. After they finished, the son asked, “couldn’t we have used a sponge?”
bookmark
Context: Interviewing at DB / HSBC London
Your bonus.
Your firm is the best IB in [sector you interview]
What do you call non target bread? Toast
Have never been asked this, but if I were, this is what I would say:
"While interviewing for an investment banking position, the candidate was asked to share a joke. Guess what he said?"
At this point, the interviewer would probably say to the effect of "what?".
I will respond: "This is a joke".
There’s a female golfer, and one day she gets stubs by a bee on the course. So she goes to a doctor and the doctor asks “where did it sting you”, and she replies “between the first and the second hole”. The doctor says “well you must have a wide stance”
What do you call Batman when he doesn’t go to church?
A: Christian Bale
My fiance fell asleep on the couch last night. As a prank, I decided to write "World's worst mum on her forehead."
When she woke up, I could hear her scream from the bathroom.
I had no idea miscarriages ruined your sense of humour.
Where do all of the unvaccinated children go play?
The plague ground.
Anything that's not sexist, religious or racist and they'll pretend to laugh.
Why do French people eat one egg?? Because one egg is un oeuf (/enough)
Probably don’t try at BNP or Natixis
I'm french and I will definitely use this one if someone ask me a joke in London.
I would, but it would be too WACC. Get it? Sorry I am lame.
Cheesy dad jokes are a safe bet. I literally have a "clean" joke I can share with you that I actually used myself over a decade ago (back in undergrad) in a summer internship interview. It got me to the next round, but I ultimately ended up interning at a different firm.
Interviewer: "Tell me a joke"
Me: (caught off-guard, pausing to think for a few seconds...)
Me: "I have a confession to make..."
Interviewer: "...Yes?"
Candidate: "I used to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean."
Interviewer: "LOL, nice"
bookmark
Saved for later these are the best of corny jokes I’ve ever heard
A penguin is driving his car down the highway when suddenly smoke starts rising from the hood of his vehicle. The penguin pulls the car into an auto-garage and asks the mechanic to have a look. The mechanic replies "sure give me 10 minutes and I should be able to tell you what the problem is." While waiting, the Penguin runs across the street to grab an ice cream cone from a local parlor.
After 10 minutes has passed, the Penguin returns to the mechanic and asks, "so what seems to be the problem?" The mechanic looks at the Penguin and says, "Well, I'm sorry to point this out, but it looks like you blew a seal." The Penguin wipes his lips and replies, "Oh no, that's just Vanilla Ice Cream."
Deutsche Bank's stock price
Clean:
Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: Fshhhhh
lol. i'm just imagining trying to tell this joke in person... enunciating the "F" and "Sh" really hard like FUH SHHHHHH, the interviewer getting confused, and then you have to write it down on paper to show what you mean
nah i love this joke and everyone gets it immediately
whether they laugh is a different story
Double punch line:
An economist and a hedge fund manager walk into a crowded bar. They both take a seat and simultaneously notice a fresh $100 bill under the table. The hedge fund manager says "look how smart we are, we sat at the table where no one else was willing to sit, and we found value where no one else was looking". The economist says, "non-sense, that isn't a real $100 bill, if it were someone in this crowded bar would have taken it by now".
The hedge fund manager reaches down and picks up the $100 bill, which turns out to be real, and says "This is great, we will have free drinks tonight"!
A single tear rolls down the economists face as he says "There is no such thing a free drink".....
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand Eye. "Hand EeyyEEeeE will always love you" <you gotta belt out this part. Play on words of "and I will always love you" and "hand eye" sounding similar
full cheese I know. Likelihood of getting joked afterwards on is 9/10 but success rate of getting a response is 12/10
An officer in the French army during the revolutionary war looks at a British officer and asks, “Why the red coats? Don’t they stand out more?” The British officer replies, “So the enemy doesn’t see our blood when we are wounded.” The French officer goes back to camp to get some sleep. The next day, all the French soldiers report to post wearing brown pants.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh...I doubt the interviewer will though lmao.
Some classic safe jokes for the interview:
1. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
2. What do you call a pig that knows karate? Pork Chop.
I would walk out of the room lol. I swear people running these interviews are a joke - there's no appreciation for the hard work and networking some people have to do to even get in the room, and they want to waste their time like that?
When ur first year analyst fucks up you can be like hey at least they are funny lol clowns
I am a joke.
What do you get if you eat your Blackberry? A Bluetooth
The joke I use at every American Banks:
"Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!"
Good lord man...
Not proud of it but it's still a joke, all my prayers goes to america on this sad day 🙏🏻
What is brown and sticky?
A stick
I'll say "I'm talking to one"
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
Why do melons have weddings? because they cantaloupe
Serious question– has anyone actually asked this / been asked this during a super day?
Why’d the old lady fall into the well? She couldn’t see that well. LOOOOOOL
I got hit in the head by a can of Coke the other day. Good thing it was a SOFT drink! LOOOOOOL
“Ask me if I’m a tree.” “Are you a tree” “No.”
.
Courtesy of my finance professor:
What's the difference between men and bonds?
One of them matures.
A pretty wholesome one I heard a few years back:
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
I heard this one in another thread on here, but I'm using it the first opportunity I get:
"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"You got the job"
"You got the job..."
*Interrupts, stands up and reaches across the table for a handshake* "Thank you, I won't let the team down"
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce the word "unionized".
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