POV:
You did it, you busted your ass 16 hours a day for 365 straight days at the top group of your top BB. You ate "pls fix" sandwiches everyday, with a side serving of "I'm interested in a scenario where…" for lunch and dinner, personally arranged by your Director who really is proving that, at 33 years old, he can run a process.
Two weeks ago, you eagerly tune in to the 8:30am earnings call. Your CFO is thrilled to announce that this is your banks best YoY performance of all time. "Let's fucking go", you think, as you give a soft grin and pump your fist really low as to not alert the VP a few offices away that you're having any modicum of fun. You pop open a spreadsheet and start a mini-budget for that 75% mid-bucket bonus that you're an absolute lock for. That second cup of coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so you quietly daydream for the next 10 minutes about how much pus you're going to get balling out at Phebes with your $50k post-tax paycheck.
Today you get called in to the staffers office. You walk in, swinging your shoulders slowly like a member of the peaky blinders. "Great job this year, A1. A few things we want to see improved, but overall well done. Mid bucket performance." You lightly grin and say "thanks, excited to be even better this year."VP doesn't seem to be sharing the same smile. He's looks almost concerned. He delivers in an emotionless tone: "Your bonus for this year is $35,000."
After the disappointment subsides and the hour + of vehement scrolling on WSO, you realize everyone got fucked. The only thing ringing in your head is that cheesy fuck of a CFO so proudly boasting your firms best year of all time.
Only thing left to do now is see how far that $19,000 post-tax will carry you in SWE education.
Best of luck next year friends.
Here's to another record year.
Next chapter: On Cycle is Paradise
LMFAO love this
Love this recent trend of Finance Fan fiction - reminds me of the younger days on Wattpad
Couldn’t be me
($140k base as an1 at FTP btw)
The way you despise FTP is the same way I despise Piper analysts. Much love.
Why do you despise them
What did analysts do?
How much is an1 base at FTP again there's no way I heard you right the first time oh my god 140k that's like so much money like super duper high jesus christ bro please let me suck your dick for an interview I just need my foot in the door hell I'll do it for a hr screen
this should be called "record dealflow is paradise"
Done
I see what you did there
Please do more of these
Good quality, I would even say top of mid bucket. 8.5 / 10.
COO, HR, staffers and team heads in the bonus discussion
HR: “So we propose our mid-tier bucket A1 to be paid $145k - that’s $110k fix +35k bonus
MD:“You guys are sure? That’s the same total comp as last year and we still have $3bn of that Citrix deal on our books that’s looking like it will drive down the bonus pool at year end”
COO“We know, but we need to do what we can to attract and retain talent and we feel this is what it will take. Flat total comp year on year is aggressive since IB is not delivering the same RoA but we have to take a hit.”
Staffer: “you guys realize that the analysts will not take into account the fact that salaries went up $30k and will just compare bonuses vs last year right?”
HR/MD/COO: “well, that’s moronic”
Source: conversation that happened somewhere, maybe
Look at total comp, And look at IB resulta. Big banks are performing because of 1) trading volatility and 2) uplift in NII. Neither come from the work of Investment bankers.
The formula for a stellar bonus for analysts in IB is stars alignment:
I don’t think that 1) and 3) happening this year
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