4 Vomit-Worthy Displays Of Office Romance I Was Forced To Bear Witness To This Valentine's Day

I don't know about you schleps but Tuesday at my firm was like an avalanche of cringeworthy moments that left me wanting to Hoover my eyeballs out of their sockets.

In increasingly painful procession occurred the following:

COOKIE MONKEY
Cringe factor: 6/10
Some first-year ESL monkey decided it was a good idea to bring in a truckload of homemade heart shaped cookies to distribute to her couldn't-give-two-shits colleagues. Ingratiating much? Way to be a monkey, monkey.

This particular V-Day deed was offensive for two reasons:
1) Bitch can’t bake. Her cookies sucked.
2) We were all forced to pretend like her sucky cookies didn't suck. And being a fake friendly bitch is not something I care to do outside of dates with rich attractive men.

TOILET TANTY
Cringe factor 7/10
Later in the little girl's room I overheard a colleague holed up in cubicle raging on the phone. From what I could gather she was bitching out her boyfriend for cancelling their V-Day plans at the Meatball Shop or wherever.

She was all like "Ermagod Justin this is the worst thing that's happened to me since dry bar accidently overcharged me for my blowout last month. Baaaa!"

This from a girl who has a sign above her desk that reads “The Future Is Female.” Not if you women like you keep melting down over shit like this it’s not.

SPAM FACE
Cringe factor: 9/10
After returning from the weeping wall (aka ladies room), I opened my inbox to find that some chump had spammed everyone at the firm with a happy valentine’s day email.

Was this a joke? No. Was he being ironic? I wish. Did I vomit in my mug and hurl it at the perpetrator's desk? Almost.

LOOSE CANALYST
Cringe factor: 10/10
This one I'm still recovering from.

So imagine the most awkward analyst you’ve ever met, times it by eight, throw in some of shoulder dandruff and a serious white nationalist open shooter vibe, and there you have the Loose Canalyst.

Right when I thought I was out of the woods on the freak show front, he came quasimodo-ing over to my pod with some shitty piece of Rite Aid V-day merch. Next to me sits one my HR homegirls so I figured/prayed that whatever the hell his tacky AF gift was, it could just as easily be intended for her.

Being the social tard that he is, he took forever to execute. It was like a rose giving ceremony except instead of a hot bachelor it was nerdalicious version guy from Split.

Dude finally muttered something inaudible, shoved the V-day merch in homegirl’s face, and crab crawled away.

And they say chivalry is dead.

I'm just happy I dodged the bullet with this one. Literally. If loose canalsyst does end up losing the plot and going all home-schooled Barron Trump on everyone, homegirl will definitely be target numero uno. Speaking of which, I should probably push for a desk re-assignment.

ON THE FLIP SIDE I GOT TO SEE
-An Indian dude selling roses somehow got onto our floor. Literally have no clue how he passed security but gotta respect the guy for doing so
-Someone accusing another person of stealing their lunch from the staff kitchen. Always a fun time.
-Also scored a free dinner Cosme (#LADYSHWING)