Advice For Dumbass Cousin Who Moved From London To My Mom's House To Sell AT&T Then Quit

GoldenCinderblock:

I have this cousin. He's a sweet boy, but an utter dummy. He's 21 or 22. He grew up in Ukraine with my "rich" uncle who had just enough money to spoil this kid, but not enough where he doesn't have to work. So he's sort of fucked. I put "rich" in quotes because he's Ukraine rich. He has a bigass house outside of Kiev, some nice cars and boats. But he'd be solidly upper middle class in NYC. Nobody really understands what he does for work. He has a small commercial property and pretends to trade stocks sometimes. He's one of those dudes who got rich when the Soviet Union fell apart and he got in with all the right people under the new system of crony capitalism. It's sort of falling apart now and he's selling off cars. Anyway, he's not a particularly bright dude and I think his son has never read a book in his life. They kind of just drink, grill, and sit in the sauna most days.

So the kid grows up in Ukraine and then my uncle sends him to London to go to school from '07 to '17. He's a proper soccer hooligan. He smokes like a pack a day and has two terrible bold Chelsea soccer club tattoos - one on each arm. He thinks they're really cool. He looks like an advertisement for Hogwarts. So he finishes college in London and decides he's moving to the States. Isn't really sure what he wants to do but wants to blaze his own trail. Cool man, I support that. I helped him put his resume together and told him to stop using his LamboMan Gmail account and to take "Hedge Funding, Jet Skiing, and Going Out" off of his "Interests" section.

My mom lives in the Chicago 'burbs and graciously moves him into my childhood bedroom. I figure, that's a sweet setup. Live rent free for a bit, get a job, get situated, start a life. Well he finds a job pretty quickly selling AT&T subscriptions at Costco. Buys a car. It appears he's doing really well and he's talking about opening up his own office, but then he suddenly quits. Says they were dicking him over. He was surprised to learn that people had to actually subscribe for him to get commission - not just take a pamphlet. So he just chills at my mom's house now playing FIFA and GTA on his PS4 and chain smoking.

My mom got a call from some guy at 4:30AM the other night who had watched him get into a bar fight and get punched in the face. He had somehow managed to get to Chicago without his car and was crying about how everybody is mean to him and America sucks. He doesn't appear to be looking for a job and speaks as if most jobs are below him and he wants to jump right into some managerial role. He said he wants to be an investment banker. I asked him what branch of banking interests him. He couldn't name one.

He's a really nice kid. There is no malice in his heart. But he's a delusional dummy and he's leeching off my mom. What kind of advice would you give this kid? What would you tell him? What resources would you give him? I'm selling my mom's house for her when my brother leaves for college in 6 months so that's how long he has to get his shit together.

I'm selling my mom's house for her when my brother leaves for college in 6 months so that's how long you have to get your shit together.